Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Spin Cycle=TWO things I HATE

I hate more than anything TWO things.

LAUNDRY.

SPIN CLASSES

We're gonna deal with the latter today, kids. I am Obama. And I'm going to tell you a thing or two about SPIN "eductaion."

FIrst off, let's deal with the name, shall we? SPIN? Seriously? In the olden days it was a Stationary BIKE. It's a BIKE people! It's a BIKE CLASS. BICYCLE CLASS. Here's the Ad Exec's meeting....

VP of ADVERTISING: Okay. how can we reinvent the BIKE class?!? huh? Huh? come on people! I want sexy! Nouveau! Insanity! Modern! Fitness Forward!!

INTERN: I know! PEDAL PUSHERS!

GUY in BAD SUIT and HAIR PLUGS ABOUT TO BE MADE REDUNDANT: I know! I got it! RACE FACE! You know, like 'get your face ready to RACE!'

NEW GUY: Dude. ROCK a "ROUND!" get it? ROUND? Like the wheel is ROUND. And and, we'd play ROCK music! Like "dude, you wanna party tonight?" and I say "no way dude...I wanna ROCK.....A'ROUND!' Riiiiiight? Riiiiiighht?

HOT GAY GUY: SPIN. We'll call it SPIN. And the men shalll wear shorty tight shorts for no reason whatsoever. SHORTER than biker shorts. And no shirts. (jazz hands ensue as he says...) SPIN!

fade out

I've spoken in the topic before. HERE, and HERE.

But today? was NOT by choice. I was coerced. Cajoled. Trickery was used. My quote unquote friend has been harassing me for WEEKS to go. Then she used her special police skillz to entrap me. It went like this...

HER: You're coming to spin tomorrow, RIGHT?
ME: ummmmmm, maybe.
HER: Well, are you WORKING?
ME: ummmmm, well, yyahhh.
HER: your clients, right? the ones who live RIGHT NEXT TO THE GYM? The ones you have every WED MORNING??
ME: ummm, yyyahhhh
HER: GOOD! Then I'll see you right after! You have NO excuse because I also know you're not working the rest of the day.
ME: wellllll, um, don't WAIT for me or anything.
HER: (thinking.....silent....thinking) OK. If you come to spin class I will buy you breakfast after. Anywhere you want to go.
ME: (pondering)
HER: mmmmm....FREE BREAKFAST
ME: wellll, I mean, I am not coming JUST for that!
MY THOUGHTS: oooh. pancakes! bagel! eggs! hash browns! free!

She knows me well.

Here's the thing about spin. It attracts THE CRAZY. Today, we had the old late 50's couple, front and center, with NEON RED earplugs in. MATCHING earplugs. Because when you're OLD and wrinkly? The ears are just too sensitive for all that LOUDNESS.

Annnnnddd, then there was the girl next to me chugging her TRIPLE RED BULL X5 ENEGERATOR 2000!

Annnnd, it wouldn't be complete with out the 40++++woman in front with her mayonnaise jar filled with her lemonade 10 day master cleanse! No. Can't bring water to spin class. Can't find a NORMAL BOTTLE to put your "lemonade" in. Gotta use that recycled mayo jar. That doesn't stand out AT ALL. After all, poor dear is trying to lose those saddle bags any.way.possible.

And when the spin instructor bee bopped his way over and gave me a TWO THUMBS UP, I decided then and there that I was ordering the Hungry Man's Lumberjack Breakfast WITH a side of French Toast! HA! That'll show HER who to make come to spin class!

20 comments:

Kristina P. said...

I always feel like I am getting bike raped when I do spinning. I HATE it.

Kathy B! said...

Someday I MAY burn enough calories to eat that breakfast. Maybe. I'm old.

2busy said...

Um, okay, now that doesn't sound like fun at all. Remind me not to try a spin class.

Mega8815 said...

HaHa!!
Sounds like me... I'd probably also fall for the breakfast... but after the spinning class - Also go for the HUGE breakfast. Definitely teach her. Heehee!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

I'm with you, it's a lame way to make a stationary bike sound high tech and since I can remember an episode where I love Lucy went to a gym and rode one, how "High tech" can it possibly be?

Hope the pancakes were awesome - I'm guessing that the spin class was something less than awesome.

carin davis said...

when I almost KILLED myself by trying to -heaven forbid- stop with my feet during my only spin experience...I vowed NEVER again! you need better "friends"....although the breakfast sounds good!

dede said...

Carin is right - I think I fall under the "better friends" catagory, since I took you to a french toast breakfast with no requirement (except for possibly a nap) afterwards! Thanks for reminding me what a good friend I can be!

btw - I think some oj went up my nose when you mentioned the mayo water bottle - now I need a cleanse!

peewee said...

yes dede! I will remind my "friend" what true friends DO! Like RIce Krispy treats with no strings attached!

NIKOL said...

I've never been to a spin class because I simply don't think one should work that hard to remain in one place.

I can't believe you hate laundry. I LOVE LOVE LOVE doing laundry. It's my favorite household chore. Maybe I should seek counseling?

rychelle said...

1. my mom didn't sign a permission slip for me to listen to your "obama speech".

2. your naration of "the naming of spin class meeting" was brilliant.

3. i have never been to spin class. and unless someone offers me a free hungry man meal, i never will.

4. the mayonaise jar. hilarious.

Kris said...

I confess that I've wanted to go to Spin Class but they are never scheduled at a convenient time for me. Perhaps I should be thankful?

Kristina, I think you should fill out a police report or a complaint or something. Protect the next victim. How many others has that bike abused?

Lady of Perpetual Chaos said...

Call me crazy, but I think that doing a "cleanse" and going to a spinning class is just a bad combination.

I haven't been to a spinning class all summer. I'd like to say I miss it but....not really. Maybe I need the cleansing lemonade....

Lin said...

love rychelle's comment. LOL!

What IS the deal with the mayo jar??? I think I'll skip the spin class too.

bernthis said...

my derriere could not handle those spin classes, then again neither could any other part of my body

Counselormama said...

Ooooh, I am too scared to even take a spin class, I am afraid I would leave early with my head hanging down in shame....I am with you on laundry, ugh!

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

I need to meet you and see your life. It is a must. MUST.

bernthis said...

yeah, there you go! Love the meeting, sadly so close to the truth

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