Friday, June 18, 2010

T.G.I.-SGF!

I HAD a post for today. But I am still laughing at these. They have already made my weekend.







And if you don't already read her site regularly then run click don't walk click over there! She's practically my best friend! never met her before in my life

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Remember when you were supposed to do your homework and you were all "I can't WAIT to be out of school so NO MORE HOMEWORK!" yah.



HEY! Did anyone know that it costs OVER $300 to insure a 19 yr old in a car?

PER MONTH.

$320.

PER MONTH.

Yah. I didn't know that EITHER.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Black Cars are the New Binky

I spent all day yesterday getting Tslave (that's her new LA rapper name) a car. I didn't mean to. I went to get MY car washed at the dealership and one thing lead to another and also I'm "ridin' the crimson wave" and hadn't had enough coffee and poof!


I am EXACTLY the target for whom car salesmen hold weekend seminars at the airport econo-lodge. The quintessential female "suckah."

There are so very MANY levels about this purchase that were wrong, not the least of which is the mere fact that Tslave still hasn't even passed her CA driver's test! I didn't mention that as I was signing the paperwork.

details details

(The upside: SHe can take HERSELF to the DMV to pass that test!)

All I can say in my defense is that I was under the duress of a month of listening to "P*ssy" lyrics in MY car.

I have a feeling I would be the type of parent that gave her kids lollipops to just shut them up.

Friday, June 11, 2010

stalkarazzi

Teen slave and Mick bonded yesterday as they stalked and mocked Diane Keaton. We, I mean THEY clearly need a better telephoto lense. I had NO part in this. THEY were parked on our couch as they filmed directly across the street. In NO WAY was I involved and or instigated this behavior! At one point DIane looked directly at us....THEM!



video

I think she has a great career ahead of her for star magazine.

Wednesday, June 09, 2010

Public Service Announcement

There ARE some good things that come from having a teen around. They like stuff like KFC. And because of this I FOUND IT!

"What IT?" you ask?

The long lost McDonald's fried apple pie. yummmmm.


As I'm sure you all know, back when someone had the worst idea in the history of ideas, they did away with the fried apple pie and replaced it with the baked aplpe pie. Who even cares about a BAKED apple pie?? From McDonalds? "I'll have a Big mac, super sized fries, and hmmmm, let's see...OOH! A healthy baked pie please! I'm watching my cholesterol don't you know"

Well, The GENIUS buyers at KFC saw an opportunity, and being that it's KFC and not KBC, they were all "F*ck it! Let's just do the fried!"

I tell you, it's the exact same fried apple pie of Micky Dee's yore. I am thrilled beyond belief. I maybe went through the drive-thru TWICE in one day to get them. It was sad. The lady was all "that's it? four two apple pies?? No chicken bowl? Drink? No?"

I think I've hit a milestone in life when the KFC drive-thru lady feels sorry for me.

Anyhoo. all I can says is 2 for $1!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS...you think I'M CRAZY? Yah. There are others.

PPS. I swear I am not the author of that Investigative chart. I love how it has an entire column for "confirmed" and "rumor". I think I've found my soul mate.

Tuesday, June 08, 2010

The Dark Side Of Fake Parenting...

Teen Slave had to go to the DMV today. I had to take her. This means I HAD TO GO TO THE DMV FOR NO REASON FOR ME WHATSOEVER!!!!!!!!!!!

This is like, PURE EVIL. I think this should be an installment for Birth Control. Let people KNOW that when if you have/adopt kids, it means EXTRA trips to the DMV. {shudder}

And here's where she REALLY got me back for all the advanced spin classes and 14 hr day "extras" jobs. SHE FAILED THE DAMN TEST!!

This means....you guessed it.....ANOTHER TRIP TO THE DMV!!!

Kill me now.

Monday, June 07, 2010

Yogabitch is the new Dr. Spock

I am really thinking of turning this blog into a child-rearing/dog training advice column. Okay fine. Just child rearing. That seems to be my forte anyway. Who knew!?

Today's column: How to find some" ME" time away from the kids

You find yourself having to entertain your teen 24/7? Take them out to expensive meals? Tired of having to pay for TWO movies and TWO mani/pedis and TWO massages??? Need a good chunk of alone time w/out hiring a handler/baby sitter? WELLLL.....

Make them be extras in a low budget tv show/movie. Yesterday Teen Slave worked from 5:30 am until 6pm (ON SUNDAY!)!!! Today she started at 6:30 AM and will get out MAYBE by 5.

YAY SWEAT SHOP STYLE LABOR aka hollywood!!!

I've had my nails done, taken 3 naps, bought mochas for ONE and watched MUCH needed hours of Law & Order SVU: The killer coeds marathon.

The Pitfall? They might complain and refuse to get up. But never fear! You just nip that in the bud immediately by saying stuff like "wow! maybe TODAY you'll get to MEET Angie Harmon like how you got to talk to Lorraine Brocco yesterday!!" ( LOTS of exclamation pts helps)

My methods may seem rogue but hey! My nails look sooooo good!

Friday, June 04, 2010

TGI FREAKIN-F

QUOTE OF THE DAY:
Remember ladies, when entering a room, greet everyone, and soon, you'll be invited and entitled to the grandeur!
-"money can't buy you class" The countess

I had free time on my hands b/c I put teen slave to work. She was an extra on a tv show today. She was SOOOO excited, until hour 9 when she was STILL working. heh heh. THAT'll teach her to borrow my hoodie w/o asking! Seriously, I should write a book on how to torture your teen. Who knew I'd be such a natural at this whole parenting thing!

I am mourning the season ending Of RHONY. My friend and I were shopping at Barney's today, depressed that we've me our shoe quota for the year already (last year), and we were talking about Ramona's fake wedding and what everyone was wearing and who looked terrible and whose hair looked the best....as if we were talking about real friends at a real wedding.

Then we talked about how depressed we were that we DIDN'T live in France.

But you know what?

Like Jesus teaches... "Money rich and manners poor, Never got the boys too far. Money talks but I just walk when I can't stand it!" (Jesus, or someone just LIKE jesus)

Here are some VERY wise tips for your weekend. nay, your LIFE.

Thursday, June 03, 2010

Teen Slave: The Pre-quel

People are DYING to know how I inherited a teen slave (slave-in-training)(and if that's anything like my dog training skills, I'm in TROUBLE)

It all started back in 1992. SO pull up your futon, put on your Eddie Bauer wool sweater, plug in some Ace of Base and kick up your doc marten'd feet.

I was teaching pre-school, which quite frankly is not much different than teaching yoga to spoiled LA brats. There's just less drooling. On the pre-schooler's part. I am one who likes to dominate and boss around. Shocking!

It was a TOTAL white trash preschool in Utah. But it was next door to me. So I put up with teachers yelling at the kids stuff like "you did too hit little malachi...I SEEN YOU DO IT!" and "Don't give Bryce those crackers...HE DON'T WANT NONE!"

Then one day the cutest child ever came in. She was new and terrified and the sweetest 3yr old EVER. She was crying and hiding under a table with these giant blue eyes and blonde hair with long bangs. And the Director, who had big giant fake horse teeth was yelling at her to come out "YOUR MAMA DON'T WANNA HEAR YOU THAT I SEEN YOU CRY LIKE A BABY!" I hated her.

I was all "I'll get her out! I am the kid whisperer!" And of course she was attracted to my natural coolness and charm and came right out and wrapped her arms around my neck and didn't let go. I was hooked. When her mom came to get her I told her I'd babysit ANYtime...for free. (I could kinda tell they were struggling. I can sniff out a single mom a mile away)(besides, no self respecting married couple would ever send their kids to that place)

And she was all "for real?" and I was all YAH! and she was all "ok. how 'bout friday?"

We made the deal and as I was SO excited that I got to watch this cutie pie all to myself, and then.....out trots another scruffy scrapper with a brown ramona-the-pest-bob cut and the teacher says...."here's your mommy!"

Sooooo...there were TWO kids. I was kinda bummed. I was prepared for ONE unpaid kid. Not TWO. And this kid was all confident. And 2yrs old. And all smiley and just screamed TROUBLE.

yah. THAT one is Teen Slave.


Well. Their mom dropped them off friday night and I never heard from her again until SUNDAY night! This was pre cell phone. Well, not pre....but when they were all HUGE and cost $500 and were called CAR PHONES. That's when I made it VERY clear that she could leave them ANY time, no questions asked.



And boy did she! My roommate and I (DD!) used our FInancial Aid money to buy them clothes and shoes and take them to movies etc. They grew up calling my brothers and sisters and friends "uncle" and "aunt". Teen Slave was the one who took scissors to her hair and threw tantrums and screamed in my car that pee was coming out. SHe was the one my younger brother shook his head at and said "she's gonna be TROUBLE when she grows up!" yah.


Then I moved to NY and wasn't around for their high school years. When I was last in Utah we all re-united and Teen Slave was all "I'm interviewing for a job at Burger king this week" and I was all NO YOU ARE NOT. And I made her move to LA with me and register for school. Her sister gets here in July.


Its gonna be an interesting year. FUN. But interesting.

Wednesday, June 02, 2010

coffee talk

Ahhh. Those blissful hours when teen slave is asleep and I can just have my coffee and my recorded shows to watch. And I'm just gonna go ahead and say this now....Glee kinda sucked last night {ducking all the fists flying through the screen} There was just something so VERY disturbing about Will shaking his ass at Sue while singing "funk." VERY. DISTURBING. And I'm SO confused about the Jesse part. WHy did he turn into such a douche? It's ok though. How can you really follow the lady gaga episode with anything good? SO, I forgive you Ryan Murphy, for making me listen to Finn sing Beck.

Speaking of awkward....Yesterday after I taught class we were headed down the elevator to my car and it was me, teen slave, and...FABIO. For real. She didn't know what to do with herself. The look on her face was PRICELESS. He just kinda stood there smiling. I mean what DO you do when you're Fabio and you're in an elevator with people?? Which of course made me think wow...imagine poor Fabio on a first date! I mean, how do you even MEET that expectation of Fabio when you ARE Fabio?! You think he has to show up on a horse each and every time? Poor guy. What if he wants to take you to Olive Garden? I just don't think he can get away with that.

I also took teen slave to open her first bank acct. at my bank. And they said as we were sitting there, that for the referral, I would get a whopping $25. The Bank lady says this with the enthusiasm AS IF she just said $2,500. Teen Slave looks over at me and goes "You're WELCOME!" And no. She wasn't being sarcastic. I almost smacked her upside the head. But I held my cool and just said "yah. That's about what you cost me PER HOUR." Does she NOT understand how many more spin classes/colonics are in her future??? (thanks Nikol!!)

I also took her to register for her college classes. She was told she would have to take an english placement test. But she had already passed english 101 in her first year of school. SO she had to go to a different office and ask if she REALLY had to take that placement test. We wait in line. She approaches the guy behind the desk JUST like this.

GUY BEHIND DESK: How can I help you?
HER: Hi. I was just wondering why the hell I have to take a placement test for english when I already passed english.

Being that the guy behind the desk had tattoos on his eyelids he didn't even bat a tattooed eye when she said that. I, however was horrified. Looks like we have to work on some people skillz today. You know, for when she addresses people who AREN'T ex-cons on work-release.

Motherhood is very challenging. Are babies any easier???

Better enjoy my coffee before IT wakes and asks me what the hell is for breakfast.