happy birthday to meeeeeee!!!

Well, another day, another year older. THIS year, I got, as an early present, a prescription for Zoloft. So, now with my zoloft/adderral cocktai, you can actually start calling me again and I will be LESS likely to yell at you. (though, no guarantees) SO bring on the birthday calls!!

When my shrink said, too matter of factly for my liking, that I was depressed, I started arguing with him, which he in turn said was a sign of depression (see blog about NOT ever dating a shrink) I was QUITE certain that my measure of whether I was depressed or not was quite scientific. You know that commercial where they voice over says "WHO does depression hurt?" and it shows various scenes of depressed people neglecting their kids or zoning out at work etc.....well they also show the sad forlorn dog sitting by the door pathetically holding a tennis ball in his mouth. just sitting there because his depressed owner is too depressed to play with him.

THAT used to be my depression check point, because I would say to myself "oh, well, I am NOT depressed because I do in fact, every single goddamn morning, play ball with my spoiled brat dogs" and then I look at said dogs, passed out on their designer dogs beds, exhausted from their morning ball playing and I say "you guys don't EVEN know how good you have it! You could ba like that sad dog with a depressed owner!"

But alas, that check point was wrong. when I drove away from the shrink's pad, I was so confused. I kept thinking "how did that happen to me? My dogs never sit by the door with a sad look holding their ball...I CAN'T BE DEPRESSED if I play ball with my dogs!!!" it just didn't compute.

then the light bulb went on. Here's the X factor i had not calculated....

MY dogs would NEVER just sit by the door with a ball in their mouth looking sad. It actually would never even occur to them. When they want to play ball, they stalk me around the house, each with a ball in their mouth. If I try to ignore them via depression, one drops the ball repeatedly on my lap, while the other shoves the ball in my face over and over. If I still try to ignore them in my depressive state one will drop the ball, stare at the ball and bark..., while the other climbs 80 lbs of fat yellow fur on my lap and hovers over my face mere centimeters away, breathing HARD with the ball in her mouth growling. My depression was masked you see, by obnoxious relentless labrador pursuit. Good think I had a shrink intervention!

anyhoo, back to MY BIRTHDAY. I'm off to vegas tonight to celebrate. Hopefully I'll catch a good .99 cent buffet. I like all things COACH and Pottery Barn. just in case anyone was wondering.

lonnnngggggg day.....

today was one of those long ass days where all you wanna do is come home and throw yourself on the couch and veg out to mindless tv like Next Top Model or people's court or something like that. But no, you throw yourself on the couch and your two cooped up dogs think this is a sign to wrestle and/or play ball. so even though I am completely ignoring them one is staring at me while dropping a wet ball on the couch and the other is pawing me with her fat paw, making what looks like heroin track marks on my arm. I don't even have the energy to swat them away, so like the single welfare mom that I resemble, I just go get the bag of treats and keep throwing them on the floor. Apple needs to make an ipod for dogs or something. where is technology when I need it?!

on modern psychiatry....

what I think is this....if you're a woman you should never fall in love with your shrink.

I've heard of it all the time, and I GET it...I mean there you are on the UGLY couch, pouring out all your evil dark shit, being all vulnerable, and this guy just looks at you with compassion, no judgement, no shock, and tells you that you are fine, you just need a few colorful pills, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. You get to be completely self indulgent and a guy sits there, LISTENING, not interrupting, not watching football, just listening.

So OBVIOUSLY you would fall in love, even if he DOES have a semi-bald head, a combover, is short, and rather resembles freud.

But here would be the downside, if you think about it. He would ALWAYS win any arguement. you don't stand a chance. he will always ALWAYS pull out the soft voice and make you think YOU'RE crazy. And he will have lots of text books to back it up.

Also your kids will be screwed up. In the tradition of the "preacher's kids" who are always goth drug addict athiests, your kids will be serial killers or chess players or something weird and creepy like that.

These are the things I think of when I am paying $200 an hour and listening to him talk. And I also think, "every minute this costs $4. thats a mocha per minute. If I leave to go to the bathroom that's like 5 wasted mochas." So not only do I talk fast, I hold my pee too, try not to sneeze or cough, and I am NEVER never late.

when living in LA has perks...

I just got home from the WORLD movie premier of RUNNING WITH SCISSORS. I was in the presence of SO many stars I don't know where to begin.

So let's begin with the ones I physically touched...voluntarily or not (on their part) There was Joseph Phinnes (yes, you read that right greeps and riddle) (read on my friends, read on) and he is VERY cute in person, and way younger looking than you might imagine. And then there was my intense connection with annette benning and warren beatty. I didn't touch them per se, but we certainly connected as we stood back to back. And then there were the brush-by's with cheryl hines and jill clayburn and jacqueline bisset...just to name a few ole chums from the h'ood. Dave Navarro and I waited for our cars from the valet station and I think I handed a fork to kristin chenowith.

but the MAIN event, the highlight of my life, was meeting and shaking hands with Augusten burroughs himself. If you haven't read RUNNING WITH SCISSORS or DRY or MAGICAL THINKING...do it now! And then see the movie because it's really great and I would say more but I am so overwhelmed by my "peers" tonight I can't think straight. if I had more nights like that I wouldn't even need a shrink!

i'm sick.

it's friday nite. barely made it home. have fever. achey. barely can type. am starting to get chills.

this is a result of rescuing 2 baby kitties from the nasty ghetto druggy park down the street and said kitties were laced with nasty germs and fleas and crack dust and the asian bird flu.

anyways, snoop dogg is on "weeds" tonite. thank GOD for small favors.

little ipod on the prairie...

First there came the internet/cable combo package with the "movie" tier option.

(i stopped calling people in the evenings)

Then there was On Demand.

( i stopped calling going out in lieu of "catching up" on entire seasons of shows I otherwise would not have watched)

Then there was TiVo.

( I never left the house on weekends)

Then there were podcasts and ipod downloadable tv shows.

(patient could now leave the house armed with portable tv and make it to starbucks to watch missed shows. patient was able to function in outside world again and no longer sported bed sores from late nite Tivo watching)


NOW....they have made available FOR FREE missed tv shows that are now watchable online!!

(patient has retreated to bedroom with laptop and is now able to order meals on wheels while watching the CSI season premier from 3 weeks ago and answer emails all at once)


I feel overwhelmed. Having this much responsibility is too much for the modern woman. we can't just DO IT ALL. gone is the simplicity of the cleavers and the cunninghams who just had to turn the tv on and off. ahhhh...simple times. simple times.

happy yom kippur!!

well well, here comes Fall. And what I love most about autumn is watching nature's changes as we transition from regular lattes to pumpkin lattes, bundling up all cozy in longer shorts and transitioning from tank tops and flip flops to tee-shirts and leather slides...watching the fake plants at pottery barn shift from cherry blossoms to scarry halloween twigs...thank god for mother nature's ever changing ways.

And who ever knew that fall brings on lots and LOTS of jewish holidays? it's weird that I would move from NY to LA and learn MORE about the jews. The puzzling thing is that there are WAY more jews per capita in my neighborhood than good bagels. And to me, that is very very disturbing and puzzling. Why? I ask. LA just challenges me on every level.

Anyhoo, on more interesting news, I have 2 new BIG announcements.

1. I GOT CABLE!!!!!

2. I also got a new roommate.

SO let me tell you all the new exciting stuff....ANTM seems a little wacky this season...I mean CYCLE...the girls are very young and way way dumber than ever. Which is why I am so excited to watch. Mo-nique and Melrose are my fav's. I mean without them it would actually be boring. and then let's talk about tyra's hair. I just can't take her seriously this cycle. the short hair? when did jerry curl come back? I missed that in the Gap Skinny pant ad. And then there's "heroes" which I can tell is like the new x-files and will drive me crazy with anticipation for the next few years or so...

I can't even keep writing...there are too many shows and too little time....

oh yah, and my roommate's great too.

i am citizen, no?

I am in NYC right now. Haven't had time to post b/c computer has been tempermental and I have been spending all free time enjoying TOO much coffee, so I can't exactly think...or rather my thoughts race so fast I can't type. anyhoo, so I was on the subway today, standing, and the guy sitting next to me was studying what could only have been a citizenship test. It was half in russian or something, and then half in english. So I was reading the questions on the whole page, and I can honestly say that I did not know even ONE answer. not ONE. I would have WAY failed the citizenship test. There were trickster questions like
1.what job does congress do?
2.how many senators do we have?
3.what is the job of the supreme court?
4.who elects congress?
5.who makes the laws?
6.what is the house of representatives made of?
7.name 2 of your state's senators.

here were my quick answers...

1.mmm...i dunno
2.a lot? 12?
3.to make laws?
4.ummm, .......THE PRESIDENT! (i know THAT one!)(oops, not really)
5.The PRESIDENT!
6.umm, congress?
7.oh, uh, what's his name. that one guy.


***note to all my zealous DC friends and Jason....I don't NEED to know the answers, because I already know that every one of them was wrong, so as you're rolling your eyes in disbelief, calm those fingers down and DO NOT send me the correct answers. ignorance, is in fact, BLISS.

Here's the point, if stuff like that were relevant OR important, then it would be on TV. A LOT. and it isn't. DO I know how many judges are on AMERICAN Idol? YES! 3! I ain't no retard! I AM AN AMERICAN!!! How many channels on AMERICAN cable...300! how many seasons of AMERICA'S next top model....5! I am a true red/white and blue all the way. I LOVE apple pie.

So I really think the test needs to reflect current american values. oh and also, a quick thanks to my polish and mexican ancestors...god bless em, for passing that heinous test so I wouldn't have to! PHEEEEEE-eeeewww! My ass would be back across the border. Good thing they don't do random citizen testing. (see, we don't REALLY care about all that gov'mint stuff, or they WOULD do random citizen testing!)

ALL i'm saying is this...is it really fair to put the poor immigrants through unnecessary torture for useless outdated information. shouldn't they just be given a map of the mall, all starbucks locales and an US weekly? A dictionary for all idiomatic expressions like "it's allllll good" and "wassup?" and "totally lame" "grande latte" and stuff like that. I'm just saying.

no room for baby jesus...

I still don't have a roommate. I don't know what's wrong. I even had a guy from "queer eye for the straight guy" come look at it. he seemed perfect. Gay, makes good money, kinda famous...but as soon as he said "i LOVE the decor...my moroccan furniture will look GREAT in here" it was the beginning of the end.

there's NO ROOM for more stuff in here. A plasma TV, perhaps. but otherwise I have been very clear in my ads that it is FULLY furnished, and yet this is the third time someone has wanted to come in and re-decorate. It's such a quagmire (old english major rears it's ugly head) I want a gay roommate, except I want the kind of gay that does NOT want to decorate. That just isn't happenning.

ho hum. what's an LA girl to do? I am up to my ears in rent, therapy bills, mocha latte's, and Target is just way WAY too close to me. I am starting to "collect" cleaning products that are "cute" and "pretty" like their METHOD WOOD WIPES and LAVENDER LINEN SPRAY. LINEN.SPRAY. I don't even know what it's for, why anyone would spray linens, except the bottle was nice, and matched my laundry room rugs.

I need an intervention of some sort, I just don't think Betty Ford has wing for this.

Why I hate LA and other cliche's

It is so blase ( I am sure there's a way to accent that last -e- but I don't know how) to hate LA. Everyone Hates LA. I was always the one who said "well, I don't HATE it, it's okay. so now I have joined the masses. I can't find ANYTHING redeemable about it. And when I say that people here look all shocked and say "but the WEATHER! you must at least LOVE the weather!"
nope. hate it. miss the fall. miss wearing tights and jackets and cute furry boots. I wake up and it's just another sunny day. BOR-ING.

and then, there's the freaky people. I can't even post an ad on craigslist without attracting a serial killer who I then invite into my home, as a roommate nonetheless. Harvey. from vegas. mid-forties. an "actor" who works for "central casting" (that's where everyone goes to get put on the EXTRAS list) but he said that was his employer all the while staring at my crotch, asking me if me and my husband lived here while he twitched both his eyes every half second still looking at my crotch.

I deleted my craigslist ad for a roommate so now I am stuck with all the rent. AND I am sharing my perfect spanish pied-a-terre in the city with TERMITES too. I think this is outrageous, while my neighbors think I am being a spoiled diva. here's what peter the downstairs neighbor said "...well YAH, of course there are termites! everyone in LA has termites! you can't just rent a place in LA without termites! In fact, back when I was in college, a termite got into my cable box and just LIVED there forever. I think he just loved it because it was warm, and he could be alone and he would just munch on the particle board. Well, He lived in that box until I moved and turned it in. it was actually kinda cute."

(I am NOT taking poetic license here, this conversation, word for word, actually took place yesterday in my backyard)(if you don't believe me ask the termites. i am SURE they heard)

it got even better when peter went on to say "yah, last year I discovered that they had built a nest in the didning room, so I found their nest and just broke it down. that's just what you do."

Nest? dining room? break it down YOURSELF?!?!??!?!

I think there IS such thing as getting too much sunshine in your life. makes you delusional.

not even white trash...

I have fallen to an all time low. I am not even on the level of white trash because in order to BE white trash, truly and effectively, it is implied that you will have appliances collecting on your front porch. I, on the other hand have NO appliances to put on the porch. I am paying what most people would consider a double mortgage for my perfect 3 bedroom in hancock park, and i have NO fridge, NO a.c. and NO washer/dryer. I paid top dollar because i insisted that I have laundry hook-ups. I do in fact have the hook-ups. And a big empty place in the kitchen wall where sits 2 target ice coolers (that I fully intend on returning when I get my actual fridge) which I have to buy ice for AND drain every 3 days.

So when I went to Trader Joe's last night with my friend I had to just pass the dairy, the frozen goods, basically anything you would need. Her cart was full. I left with 2 bottles of water and a plastic box of fiber muffins. mmmmm. can't WAIT for dinner.

ANGRY MONDAY

I'm having what I would like to call an "ANGRY MONDAY" That's when EVERYTHING is pissing you off and not going your way. And it's monday, so on top of everything being "off" you have a million chores to do. THis is going to be an angry spoiled apathetic brat blog, so I'm just warning you. Because it's only 8:30 AM here in tinselfuck and my "NEW YORK" bagel is dry and stale and cost THREE DOLLARS!*** (Murray's Bagels in NY, one of THE BEST, is only $2.75 and they're THE BEST) and my carmel latte is bitter, too much ice and not enough carmel, and my internet connection is slower than dial up.

***the added bonus here was that I tried to "charm" the new bagel store guy up so that I would get a GOOD bagel and he said "you have a big personality. i bet when you walk into a place everyone notices you...(a pause)...well, when you dress nicer and put on make-up and stuff"

My new dog park that is across the street from Nordstrom's (and you would THINK would be pristine) is totally ghetto and nasty, with garbage and mud and bums everywhere. I don't mind the bums, but in LA you just have to watch out because these bums could be just bums OR they could be violent ex-gang bums from their hey-day in the 80's and early 90's riots who are all pent up, have had too much heroin residue, and are ready to unleash their fury on anyone who walks by. You just never know. SO all bums are potentiallty a threat. AND then this is called the PAN-AMERICAN park so there are about 80 percent OLD asians who are all terrified of dogs. PLUS there are a LOT of runners, who are the yuppie running type who are running with their business partners while discussing hedge funds. SO this so-called morning dog park is like a mine field for me. Oh and I almost forgot, the people who DO bring their dogs are also old and crazy or just crazy and they ALL want to talk to you because you are not 1.asian 2.running 3. a violent bum.

So after all this drama this morning all I wanted was a nice perfect coffee, and a nice perfect bagel while I surfed the net. Nature is clearly against me. ALSO the chores facing me today are the kind you avoid until you can avoid no longer. LIKE....setting up the cable appt, trying to figure out WHICH 9 hour block of day you have to staple yourself home and wait and wait and wait until the last 5 mins of the 9 hour block when they show up only to tell you that you need a special wire that they have to order so when would you like to re-schedule another hook-up appt?

...applying for a parking permit for the street and having to provide every legal document to prove that you do in fact live on that block so you can be ALLOWED a permit that costs $125 to park which you just KNOW will require you to change your address at the DMV which will be a WHOLE OTHER ANNOYING CHORE!!

... and last but certainly not least on my TODO list is the unavoidable (but I've SO been trying to avoid) trip to....to....HOME DEPOT. I don't even know where it is. I don't WANT to know where it is. It was bad ENOUGH last monday when I had to go to, gulp, SEARS, but this is SO. MUCH. WORSE. Why can't I just be a lesbian and have a nice butch lesbo girlfriend to do all this FOR ME? I am not geared for Home depot. I grew up in a single MOM household. we had handy men, gardners, people who did this stuff for us. And back then, if and when we did need say, a nail or hammer, we had a local hardware store, where you walked in, told them what you needed (a nail thingy for wood stuff) they KNEW what you needed, got it for you and wrapped it up so you never had to actually look at it or anything, and you certainly never needed to look for it yourself.

Best if you don't try to contact me today. oh and also, all the plants that my mom forbid me to take, but I took anyway cuz they are SUPER CUTE (potted orange and lemon trees...adorable! and potted ficus trees...super cute pots. and the pretty pink bouganvelia) are all dying because I just notcied that they haven't been watered since I moved. oops. I just figured my new gardeners would just KNOW that I don't DO that. SO on top of all these annoying chores I also have to WATER MY PLANTS!!!!

HE
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My new "hood"

I seem to constantly find myself where I don't technically belong, per se.

I lived in south pas. in the 70's when everyone was catholic, rich and a FAMILY, we were protestant and poor and latch key kids.
I lived in Utah when I was not at all a mormon or a hippie or a skier.
lived in harlem when I was clearly not a blaxican.
lived in pasadena where I was clearly not a married yuppie with 2 kids in private schools.
lived in stockton when i was clearly NOT white tra...okay. stockton kinda fit.

So yet again, I find myself out of my element. I tried to avoid this too. on THIS apartment hunt I kinda tried to avoid West Hollywood, because as my so so wise mother said "WHAT? WEST HOLLYWOOD? don't you EVER want to get married?! Are you just gonna hang out with the gays your whole life?!"

enough said.

SO. I moved to the sweetest neighborhood on the sweetest street in the best location...but I started to look around. It was ALMOST wisteria lane. almost. except for "syd's pharmacy" on the corner, "Brenco judaica bookstore" across from starbucks, and why is coffe bean closed on a saturday? i wondered. Oh and why is everyone wearing those funny big black hats?
oh.
I am in a hasidic Jewish neighborhood.

perfect.

NOW what will I do with my waving santa figurine? My christmas tree that lights up when you walk by? My stuffed snowman that sings "it's beginning to look a lot like christmas..." Will I get vandalized? Will my neighbors hate me? Why the big black hat? why? I saw fiddler on the roof, but they didn't wear the hat. And coffee bean closing on sat? I thought it was bad in utah when stuff was closed on sunday....but the big chains stayed neutral. You could alway go to Barnes and Noble say. or Nordstrom. But coffee bean? that's serious shit. (luckily Starbux has satyed true to the corporate heathen profit dollar and is open) And now I am going to have to be aware of all those weird holidays becasue I am SURE I will be so confused when my bank is closed on rosh hoshana (sp?) and all that other stuff I can't spell.

Oh well. I guess this too will make me well rounded. And my mom will just have to be disappointed yet again, i probably had a better change of finding a kinda straight guy in WEHO than ANYthing here!

ho hum...

This blog brought to you by "THE NEW DIET" infomercial.

I have found THE diet secret. Seriously. It's free, actually SAVES you money, AND I have lost about 20** lbs in 3 days! how? you ask. Wellll....here is it....

GET rid of your refrigerator AND cable just for a few days, 2 or 3 even. This limits you to foods that are sustainable only for a few hours, and or food that can live on a counter, like wheat bread and bananas. Now you may be saying to yourself, "yah, but kiki, I would just eat fast food, the perfect excuse for a McDonalds bender!"

ahhhh, you would be WRONG round eye, so so wrong. This is where the NO CABLE comes in. When there is nothing to watch on TV, and NO REASON to plop onto your couch, you become so depressed that even McDonalds is no longer appealling, cuz really, where are you gonna eat it? inside the actual McDonalds???? GOD NO! You haven't been INSIDE one of those since they had the big plastic Ronald and Hamburglar figurines all around. No, instead you will become sooo frustrated with life, and all the limitations no cable and no fridge put upon you that you will just sigh, grab a stupid protein bar and throw in the towel.

Now you think this is all of it....BUT WAIT! as an ADDED bonus, turn off your electricity too! Without that, there are no night munchies, cuz you can't see anything, and your days of watching nick at nite with a bag of oreos in bed are OVER! Then with nothing to do and nothing to see and no cell phone or computer (they have all lost power too) you have no choice but to get a good night's sleep. AND THEN when dawn breaks, you are UP because you are SO excited that there is LIGHT!! And since no one else is up, and you can't cook any breakfast, or surf the net, or call anyone, you just go out for a walk, given all other opportnities are now exhausted.

AND you just keep walking, cuz really, there's nothing to come home to anyway, so may as well.

SO you see folks, THIS is the foolproof diet we americans have been needing, and it costs you nothing AND your electric bill is nothing!!!

and I am proof cuz my pants all fit now, and it has only been 3 days!!***


**results a-typical

***as an added enhancement to this diet, and for faster weight loss, move out of your 3 bedroom overly furnished house to an upstairs apartment.

the prison yard

"hey hey pretty lady. why dont you come over here so we can get a good look at ya. are those space pants you wearin' cuz your ass looks OUTTA this world!"

you probably thought I was exaggerating...

bedroom gets GREAT sunlight!

what? me? dogs? Never!

MORE creative advertising...

"steps to the mall"= IF and only IF you're King Kong.

"Terraces at the grove..."= By "at" we mean that IF you rent the top unti on a sunny clear day and have 20/40 vision you may be able to catch a glimpse of "THE GROVE" sign.

"completely renovated!"=home depot had a "last chance" clearance sale so things don't MATCH per se, but still, they're new!

"luxury!"=if you were once homeless, and squatted in an adobe hut with a clay floor and no running water and couldn't see the light of day, then you will find a popcorn ceiling, plush shag carpeting, mirrored closets AND doors (pretty girl) and brass trim on EVERYTHING luxurious.

"ultra luxury"=bigger words equal bigger shiny things made of materials from the sixties that have been banned due to toxic shock.

"Courtyard"=couch and/or appliances on porch.

"laundry on premises!" ="now the laundry is right here in the buliding! Just 4 flights down these stairs, turn left, walk around the building, through the alley, and then down the basement stairs, then through the crawlspace, go right and then continue all the way under the building, then double back track through the boiler room, and then right behind the water heater and incinerator, you'll see TWO! washers and dryers! Don't forget your quarters!!"

"art deco"=you will PAY, oh yes you will.



I am still apartment hunting.
well, actually "hunting" would be a good word because that would mean you have a chance in hell of "catching" your prey.
but no.
not so in LA.
it's apartment stalking.

at this point my skills are getting so honed that I could be a P.I. Yesterday Starr and I went about our now daily trek
because I THOUGHT I had found my perfect apartment. I THOUGHT I was done. I just wanted her to see it to make sure that even though it wasn't THE BEST neighborhood, I wasn't crazy to pay $2,200 for it. See once you see soooo many laughable shitholes, you start to lose perspective...you get REAL excited at the mere sight of a real wood floor and running water, and are then willing to pay top dollar for it even if there ARE a few bums in your garage space, even if there ARE two "jewish retirement hotels" on either side of you, even if there ARE no stores with english writing on them in the neighborhood.

So she kinda turned her nose up at it, but we couldn't get inside because of course it's impossible to even get anyone LIVE to actually return your calls, so I tried to break in, and then I tried to break into the "manager's" apt because i KNEW she was home but wasn't answering her door. So all that failing, we decided to walk around the neighborhood, to see if I felt safe. I kept trying to justify everything to starr "see! look! there's a nice building way down there!" "see! look! a nail place where pedicures are only 10 bucks!!!!" "see! a market...or something..okay, a fruit market, but I mean, everyone needs fruit!" "see, how close we are to the grove? the neighborhood is BOUND to get better!" "see, I am surrounded by two retirement homes, yah one is a shelter, but old people are harmless..." I barely got those words outta my mouth when, and i am NOT kidding here, a gun shot went off. We both ducked. I looked at her and said "uhhh, what the fuck WAS that? was that....was that...a GUNSHOT????" She said "YAH! probably!"

We walked in silence. I said " are you sure? you really think that was a GUNHSOT?"

"YEEEEEES!" And then we heard all kinds of police sirens rolling towards us. so she continued "and those are probably the police coming to see who just got murdered."

There goes my "perfect" apartment. (I might still get it)

THIS is how my apartment hunt is going. and this is only ONE episode. Others include such highlights as....

...being invited in to a russian mafia lady's house (it was THE cutest apartment complex ever) and she was sitting in her wheelchair holding a cane, patted the couch and commanded "SIT." I sat. SHe looked me up and down. she looked starr up and down in silence, then turned to me "YOU HAVE PETS?" I choked out in a high pitch "me? noooooo. no pets. nope. none. never had a pet. not me." She squinted at me "NO CATS? NO DOGS?" I gulped. "nope. no pets. just me. heh. heh. just, um, me." I couldn't even look at starr. So she approved of us being able to LOOK at the apartment. Of course it was HEAVEN and a great (2,100) price. The perfect place. For someone with no pets that is.

...(on the phone)...yah, I am a yoga teacher, good income, VERY quiet. Pets? um, yah, I have A dogtwodogs.

...looking at the "lovely 2 bedroom guesthouse" as we walked through the main house, littered with trash and STUFF crammed everywhere. The hippie bi-racial couple was nice as could be, hemp and incence candles burning everywhere, to mask the smell of the TWO INDUSTRIAL WASTE bins and their no-door-garage that was literally cramed floor to ceiling with STUFF, which all happened to be on the walk to the "lovely 2 bedroom guesthouse." They showed me everything and when I said "sooooo, there's TWO bedrooms?" they walked me through the kitchen to where would be an entryway to a backdoor and he said "this is the second bedroom, well, it could be you know, an office, or a...a...guest room, you know, it could fit, a futon or something." He stopped then. even he knew he was lying. On the way out, past the Industrial waste bins that most people only have when they're renovating, but I suspect these guys use for storage, starr said 'PLEASE! you cannot live with those hippie packrats!"

...the toothless manager who "wasn't exactly the manager" (his words) saying "yah, these units is REAL NICE. they got them nice REAL PREGO (not a typo) floors!

old people gone wild

My dad came to visit me for 2 nights.

wait.

that's not entirely true. He needed a FREE place to stay ON HIS WAY elsewhere. It's fascinating to see. I haven't been under the same roof with my dad, and only my dad, for two whole days and nights since...since...I can't even remember. I always THOUGHT he was a nice clean old man, polite, decent. But I realize now that any of THAT was clearly the way of his wife. I got to see, clear as day, where my white trash roots came from. Not just white trash, but polish trash. (the mexican crazy lazy manic bipolar was from mom)(good combo guys, GOOD COMBO) (thank GOD they're sterile now)

Anyhow, as I was saying. FIrst off, he turned his nose up at my "expired" half/n/half which smelled just fine, thank you very much. And were you thinking he needed the h/h for his coffee? no no silly, his CEREAL. Because I only had skim milk (unacceptable) so he poured the rotten h/h in to mix things up a bit. to polish people this makes perfect sense.. a little skim, a little h/h and voila! Whole milk!

Moving right along, after breakfast he just left the dishes in the sink. no rinse. no wash. then this AM he doesn't get a NEW bowl and coffee cup, he just runs the old nasty ones uner the tap. no soap. (it gets better, keep reading) I just watched with fascination. he then goes to the coffee maker, which has the brewed coffee from YESTERDAY still in it, and proceeds to pour it in his rinsed mug. At this point I intervene.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!?!"

him: (matter of fact) well, don't you have a microwave?

"YAH BUT WHY? that coffee is from YESTERDAY. It wasn't REFRIGERATED. It's probably moldy.!"

him: Moldy! ha! where's your microwave? this coffee is perfectly fine. where's the expired half n half?

"BUT that's gross!" and then I notice the bowl and spoon "hey! I HAVE lots of bowls dad. and spoons! Those aren't even washed!"

him: oh well, I rinsed them. they're just fine.

end scene.

Also he had brought this little water bottle with him. the kind from 7/11. and he kept refilling it and putting it in the fridge. I kept asking if he wanted a NEW bottle, a bigger and better and fresher bottle because I AM sure he had that bottle the whole way from San Fran.


I wish I could claim I was adopted. But as I watched I just PRAYED that I would remember this when I'm old. Because otherwise I'm on the same path.

apartment hunt continues...

Today I went to see an "luxury" apt in an "up and coming" neighborhood, "west hollywood adjacent" Now, we knew it wouldn't be so great. the pink building was surrounded by hooptis. Some cars I haven't seen since my "stockton" days. It took the "manager" william, about half an hour to answer the door, and when he did he was twitching and he had a stray eye. he lead us to the alleged apt and opened the door, but the crack family hadn't moved out yet. LaMont and his cornrolls were sitting on the couch watching maury, and our whitey methed out manager said "oh. heh.heh. sorry dude. didn't know you still lived here." Lamont just eyed us up and down. Me, and STARR, and meth head. he was too drugged to protest. he didn't even get up off the couch.

I needn't bother you with the silly details of the apt, only that he informed us that we would indeed need to provide our own fridge. "oh, we neeeeeee-eeever provide the refrigerators man, nope never. tenants have to bring their own. (pause) and then (pause) when you like, move out (pause again) (more pausing....I think he forgot what he was saying)you take your fridge with you! (he said this with excitment, like we would be winning a prize)yep, you just move the fridge in and then you move it back out."

got it. right.

mornin' sunshine

just couldn't resist. I can't even write anything here. if a picture says a thousand hairs....