when yoga teachers go bad...

I just took a yoga class. It was an ANUSARA yoga class. In hindu, Anusara means "sucky" Well, I mean, i think It does. I read it somewhere.

anyhoo, the "teacher" said the words "express" and "kidney" in every other sentence. It went something like this.

(read in sing song voice)

"I want you to EXPRESS your leg towards the front, leading and opening with your KIDNEYS, not your leg. And then EXPRESS your heart center towards the back, EXPRESSING your hands on your KIDNEYS, EXPRESSING your fingers into the KIDNEY line. Not below the KIDNEY line, but right in it, which allows you to EXPRESS your back correctly so you don't close off the KIDNEYS. And then bring your KIDNEYS over your leg, EXPRESSING your toes into the mat."

FIrst off, I barely know where my kidneys are. i mean, I know they're SOMEWHERE below my ribs, I think, so I don't really KNOW how to Express them or lead with them. Second, I only like to use the word EXPRESS as in " i would like a double EXpresso please..." or in the context of "HURRY THE FUCK UP!" or the EXPRESS 10 items or less line. NOT in my yoga practice please.

by the end of the longest 90 minutes of my life, I was ready to Express my fist right into her kidneys (if I knew where they were!)