Monday, December 31, 2007

Happy New Year!!

I am so sick I want to DIE.

I have been reduced to shuffling around the house carrying my 'airborne' mug around in one hand, the remote control and my codiene cough syrup in another. My cough is so deep that when an attack comes on I pee a little. (i just wanted you to KNOW the severity here) I've gone through an entire sleeve of airborne but it's not working cuz I think this kind of disease HAD to be 'spit-borne'

I have watched OS many episodes Of Law & Order Criminal Intent and SVU that I am but a mere 9 millimeter glock pistol away from being a pee smelling serial killer.

This is My typical New year actually. Let's just go over it.


I FINALLY was invited to spend the night on the rose parade route by my very first boyfriend Walter. We weren't QUITE bf/gf yet, but I knew that the 'night on the route' would seal the deal. Walter was cute and funny and kinda short. I was finally gonna be "cool" I had spent my entire youth lying about spending the night on the parade route, and now I didn't have to lie! It was gonna be a GOOD year!

Enter my big oafy football playing brother who was WAY into his college years. Clearly trying to relive his youth trolling the route for beer and chicks with his other oafy football gang, all drunk and grunting. I almost died when I saw them lumbering down the street. I was sober enough to know this was BAD. Walter was already pretty "wasted" (dude)

As I am cringing in my lawn chair, hiding under my big blonde bangs, I hear a big drunken "WHAT THE HELL U DOIN WITH MY SISTER HUH!?!?!?" Walter wasn't quick enough in his state, as Craig Lifted him up in a bear hug kinda way and I swear Walter peed his pants. He didn't know what hit him. He didn't even know WHO it was. Then Craig plopped him down while his football buddies were all hooping and whooping and grunting and laughing so hard they were giggling like little school girls. Walter was still terrified. He looked at me for support. Which is when my brother put a big fat paw fist into his arm and said "hey man, just jokin' with ya, I'm craig....Kristi's brother. nice to meet you man. hey...I think I made you piss your pants, uh?! uh!?"

Walter never recovered.


I was living in Stockton CA. You've never heard of it. Just leave it at that. I went over to my dad's house, having NOTHING else to do. My little brother Derwood was there, as was my sister and the rest of the fam. they all went to bed. Derwood and I wanted to do SOMETHING more festive than bed, after all we were young and CLEARLY the hippest most normal of the family (we still ARE) But alas, there was still nowhere to go. So we rooted around the Videos for a movie or something. What we found were my little sister's MENUDO and New Kid's on the Block videos.

We were VERY excited about this. we ran to the kitchen to make mint cookie milkshakes, and hunkered down for an evening of Spanish Music videos. We watched We laughed so hard, I was spitting mint shake out my nose. We even attempted some dance moves. We were up till dawn, and then crashed.

That was my favorite New Year's EVER. We made a pact to do it again EVERY year. Our Mexican New Year tradition. Of course, life moves on and children grow up, and the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man on the moon, when you comin' home son, I don't know when, but we'll get together then, yah, I know we'll have a good time then...bam, ba bam bam bam.


I decided that THIS was the year I would lOVE New Year's. I was living in NYC. I was gonna go to paris, or or London, or or, Italy! I was gonna do something fun and outrageous.

I went to Utah. yes, utah.

I decided to try and relive the ONE happy new year with Derwood, and go to Salt Lake, party with college friends, and then on New Years Day I was going to learn to snowboard with Derwood!!!! Wooo. FUN! Innovative! This was the stuff memories are MADE of!

I flew out there the day before and immediately got SICK. SO sick. Sick like how I am now, only running snot everywhere and a massive fever.

Not wanting to bring My little brother down, I told him to go ahead to his party and maybe I'd be better in the morning. I ended up on my friend rebecca's couch, alone, freezing with chills, watching the stupid ball drop in Manhattan, the fireworks over the thames river, the light show on the eiffel tower. i couldn't even get up to go back home into bed.

Well, anyways, Darrin got SO drunk at his party that he wouldn't have snowboarded the next morning anyway, or the next, or the next....he sure had outgrown those mint cookie milkshakes!


I decided to drive from NYC to Wash party with my best friend Joe. His friend Paul had scored us an invite to some great club in the hip DC area and we got to go for FREE because Paul's friend needed people to hand out the champagne filled glasses right before midnight. Sounded like a sweet deal.

Except it was an ALL GAY party. And yes, I still arrived hopeful, because all the gay guys said "oh yah, but ton's of het's go there on New Years! TONS!"


I was SURROUNDED by the hottest guys in the city. who were ALLLL gay. AND Joe was doing NOTHING but trying to hook up with his new love interest. I was invisible. and trapped. My hair was all dyed and straightened. I looked cute and had on my cute party face. But after an hour or so I just kept kickin' back the free drinks until almost midnight arrived and we had to pass out trays of VERY TALL glasses filled with champagne. our only job.

They started handing me trays and I was so drunk, and in "stacked heeled" boots, and it was SO crowded, that i kept spilling EVERY.SINGLE.TRAY. I did not even hand out one single glass, because I dropped a good 5 trays and then that was it.

I walked home ALONE in DC, with my Light-up Top had that was still blinking 2002 and watched tv while eating reese's puffs cereal, still drunk.

I could go on.

But I'm too sick to type anymore and Goren & Eames are on and it's one that I HAVEN'T already seen.

So, you know, HAPPY NEW YEAR 2008!

1 comment:

joe said...

My lawyer will be contacting you regarding this post. Please cease and desist your slander concerning my behavior on the night of 12/31/02.

Joe Riddle