Thursday, May 07, 2009

I dare say, It's a war zone out there, ole chap

My favorite coffee place in NY has turned on me. It used to be all the neighborhood locals. The really old school pool player gang of dudes in their early hundreds. The little old lady Lorraine and her little dog. All the cool artists, even some hippies. It was sesame-street-sit-on-the-stoop-with-Mr-Hooper and a hot coffee and a bagel. Sigh. The good ole days.

THEN somehow in my absence, probably because I was not there daily to make everyone else feel excluded and give the non-desirables the stink eye, it has been overrun with wall street suits and (don't take offense here) the, gulp, STROLLER CROWD.


Gone are the days of walking up to Jack's seeing 8 dogs tied up to the the bench and stoop. That has been replaced with double wide strollers, double decker strollers, giant motorized strollers that spin and do wheelies and toddlers running amok, waddling up to my pets like subdued chuckie's mumbling "dogggyyyyy. doggyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy" and the moms going "no. no. Wren and Raven, those doggies will bite and maul you. Mustn't touch." Or when their sticky little hands grab for wads of their fur "YUCKY YUCKY Jacques! We have to wipe your hands NOW. Doggies are DIR-TY"



I tried to be nice at first. I really really did. When the moms would ask "Can my little Leila Ayn Rose pet your dog?" I would be all "YAH! They're totally friendly. They LOVE kids!" And then said child would come up and bang on their faces and the moms would go "OHHH! Isn't SHE CUTE?! We don't even have a dog and look how brave she is!"

OH and the topper? When these GIANT double strollers would come down the block and run over my dog's feet. WITH NO APOLOGY???

I love kids and all. Moms even. But there is a certain 'je ne sais quoi' about the stroller moms of manhattan. Ha! That should be a horror movie title!!

Anyway. I still go there, in complete fascination about these moms. And along those lines...

Here are some words and their contexts that you ARE NOT allowed to say unless you were born and raised on british soil and/or learned english as a second language in London.

Pram...never.

Brilliant...as in "let's have a play date this weekend...after latin lessons, guitar, and advanced toddler chemistry!" "Brilliant!"

Lead...as in "no no Amaretto Chablis! Don't pull on the doggy's lead"

splendid....as in...any sentence.

snog...NO

flat...as in "Oh, I left my braided hemp nipple cushions back in my flat"

rubbish and/or bin..."oh Madisyn, go put that in the rubbish bin."

nappy...you can say "oh my god...my hair is so nappy" you can NOT say "Oh, who has a poopy nappy?"

queue... "daddy's going to get in the coffee queue. Stay here with you nanny Guadaloupe"

holiday..."We're going on holiday to rwanda this year! Aren't we clever?"

Again, born in England? sure. cute. hot even.
Born in America? LAME.

Oh, and PS...A FIVE YEAR OLD SHOULD NOT BE CARRIED IN A BABY SLING!

23 comments:

Kris said...

Can we still be internet friends if I own braided hemp nipple cushions, as long as I don't say I left them in my flat? Cause I own 3 pairs, colored with organic vegetable dye.

I have to admit, I may have used the word queue once or twice. Now that I know how lame it is, I will cut it out. Full stop.

See what I did there? heh

Kathy B! said...

It cracks me up that those hoity-toity mommies are worried about your dogs being dirty. Have they seen what their toddlers pick up off the ground? And all the crackers and sticky juice that has gummified (new word!) to their grubby fingers?! I'd say the dogs should beware of the toddlers and not vice versa. Oh, and the dogs don't have a plstic bag of poop tied around their waist as they walk around, either. I'd say the dogs are the clean ones.

peewee said...

wow Kris...That last bit was brilliant!

Lady of Perpetual Chaos said...

Wow! I'm at a loss for words. Hemp nipple cushions? I must get me some! And I love the children's names! Why even give them a chance at a normal life?! I call my husbands feet nappy all the time, but not in a british way. I must admit I am a bit fascinated by all this, in a train wreck sort of way.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Girl, you are on fire with this one and pardon the Brit quip but "Spot on".

I am a procreator, but I know the exact type of stroller bitch that you refer to. I put her in the same "dust bin" (couldn't help myself) with PTA harpies and stage moms. They are sucktastic self-servers. Ooooh my hormonalness was supposed to be gone. Go figure.

Kristina P. said...

Hey, at least she wasn't breastfeeding the 5 year-old.

Counselormama said...

ugh, the stroller crowd bugs me, and I own one! Something about seeing strollers en mas is annoying.

rychelle said...

please do your best to drive away this crowd before we get there. you know how kristina hates kids.

peewee said...

I will try...but those stroller moms are like roaches...they multiply and don't leave

abalone said...

brilliant!!!

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Oh my! That was awesome! Those mothers sound like a trip and a 1/2!!
About Francesca not approaching you... no comment. I plead the 5th! Or the 8th!

Kathy B! said...

You need to go into your profile ASAP and open up your email address so that I can reply to the comments you leave on my blog! You crack me up and I can't even reply back...

And to answer your question, we had canned ravioli for dinner. At least the kids did. I had Pinot Grigio. I may or may not have single-handedly polished off the bottle.

Court said...

I hate those big strollers too! The day care down the street uses it and they must run everyone over b/c we have the tiniest stroller and I have had to like dive with my kid like an action hero to get out of the way.

Debbie said...

I'm sensing these moms are causing you more stress than tolerable. Are you sure you don't need to rethink the whole coffee place?

3 Bay B Chicks said...

You know that you are my favorite person on the Internet, right? I mean, my love for you in so pure that I sent you candy and I am now making a mix tape. I don't do that for ANYONE...and I mean ANYONE else in my life...both on and off the Internet.

Are you a closet fan of these little blog games that we play? Could it possibly be true? If it is, just say the word and we'll work on something together. But beware, e-mails and crazy ideas from me are sure to follow.

Are you ready?

-Francesca

forever folding laundry said...

I've got to go with Kristina on that. Slinging a 5 year old in a sling is bad enough, but here in the Bay Area in good ole NorCal you wouldn't be shocked to see that one breastfeeding as well. ~~Shudder~~

I think you should print this out and post it in the coffee shop right next to the "Nanny Wanted" ads.

~Keri

Carin said...

that sounds like some seriously entertaining people watching...nothing more fun in my opinion! are you missing the west coast yet???

Kristina P. said...

Did you get killed or mugged? Are you still alive? If you do get killed, can we still stay in the apartment?

Chaka said...

I am not a fan of baby slings either. They turn women into kangaroos.

Vegas Linda Lou said...

Totally, totally agree. Let's add "footpath" to the list. (I got that from my ex, who's from New Zealand.)

A sling for a 5-year-old? I hate to say it, but there's a whole breed of doting moms out there that make me want to puke.

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