I dare say, It's a war zone out there, ole chap

My favorite coffee place in NY has turned on me. It used to be all the neighborhood locals. The really old school pool player gang of dudes in their early hundreds. The little old lady Lorraine and her little dog. All the cool artists, even some hippies. It was sesame-street-sit-on-the-stoop-with-Mr-Hooper and a hot coffee and a bagel. Sigh. The good ole days.

THEN somehow in my absence, probably because I was not there daily to make everyone else feel excluded and give the non-desirables the stink eye, it has been overrun with wall street suits and (don't take offense here) the, gulp, STROLLER CROWD.


Gone are the days of walking up to Jack's seeing 8 dogs tied up to the the bench and stoop. That has been replaced with double wide strollers, double decker strollers, giant motorized strollers that spin and do wheelies and toddlers running amok, waddling up to my pets like subdued chuckie's mumbling "dogggyyyyy. doggyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy" and the moms going "no. no. Wren and Raven, those doggies will bite and maul you. Mustn't touch." Or when their sticky little hands grab for wads of their fur "YUCKY YUCKY Jacques! We have to wipe your hands NOW. Doggies are DIR-TY"



I tried to be nice at first. I really really did. When the moms would ask "Can my little Leila Ayn Rose pet your dog?" I would be all "YAH! They're totally friendly. They LOVE kids!" And then said child would come up and bang on their faces and the moms would go "OHHH! Isn't SHE CUTE?! We don't even have a dog and look how brave she is!"

OH and the topper? When these GIANT double strollers would come down the block and run over my dog's feet. WITH NO APOLOGY???

I love kids and all. Moms even. But there is a certain 'je ne sais quoi' about the stroller moms of manhattan. Ha! That should be a horror movie title!!

Anyway. I still go there, in complete fascination about these moms. And along those lines...

Here are some words and their contexts that you ARE NOT allowed to say unless you were born and raised on british soil and/or learned english as a second language in London.

Pram...never.

Brilliant...as in "let's have a play date this weekend...after latin lessons, guitar, and advanced toddler chemistry!" "Brilliant!"

Lead...as in "no no Amaretto Chablis! Don't pull on the doggy's lead"

splendid....as in...any sentence.

snog...NO

flat...as in "Oh, I left my braided hemp nipple cushions back in my flat"

rubbish and/or bin..."oh Madisyn, go put that in the rubbish bin."

nappy...you can say "oh my god...my hair is so nappy" you can NOT say "Oh, who has a poopy nappy?"

queue... "daddy's going to get in the coffee queue. Stay here with you nanny Guadaloupe"

holiday..."We're going on holiday to rwanda this year! Aren't we clever?"

Again, born in England? sure. cute. hot even.
Born in America? LAME.

Oh, and PS...A FIVE YEAR OLD SHOULD NOT BE CARRIED IN A BABY SLING!