Why God Loves not-quite-models!

ONE OF (because there are MANY) my favorite things about America's Next Top Model, is when a girl wins something, or gets picked, and she buckles to her knees, tears welling in her eyes and chokes out...

"Thank you JEEEESUS. THANK YOU JESUS!!!!!!"

or she gazes her pious face into the camera and says "...well, God was on my side tonight. HE knows what I need."

or when the winners clamor together to pray gratitude, bibles in hand, "...Jesus, heavenly father, THANK YOU for being with us today."

Now, the GOD I BELIEVE IN doesn't just sit around with Jesus on one side and Moses and NOAH on the other deciding who they will support on Tonight's ANTM!

Wait....yes he does.

Family sacrifices...

My little baby sister got married last weekend. It was adorable and sweet, she was also preggers, so it made it even more emotional...I cried blah blah...BUT she got married on Easter weekend, which in and of itself was not inconvenient.

HOWEVER when I flew home MON night I realized that I missed the big See's candy %50 off easter chocolates sale. I plan my ENTIRE year around this. I buy costco see's gift certificates so that not ONLY do I get half off, but it's also like getting another 30% off!!

you may be thinking "well, it's ONLY ONE DAY FOR CHRISSAKES!!"

You would be wrong in that thinking. This is a sale, where you have to line up the morning after easter BEFORE the place opens, shmooze all the grannies who are also lined up, patent leather purses all ready to go, ready to fight you for every last bordeaux egg, and be ready with your game plan in your head.

The part of my brain that LOVES to be in denial said "welll, maybe if you go tues morning there MIGHT be some eggs left, because MAYBE this is the year that they had LOTS of leftovers and not as many people showed up?!" (this is the same part of my zoloft induced brain that also justifies oreos and chocodiles as being "not THAT bad")

SO I went, ever the hopeful, looked around for the easter section, found it, and allllll that was left were JELLYBEANS!!! Because who in their right mind would buy JELLYBEANS at a chocolate store?!?!?

OH well, this is what it means to have FAMILY. Sacrifices need to be made sometimes. You have to think of THE OTHER PERSON. There is no I in LOVE.

BUT if that bitch goes into labor on the opening day of the Nordstrom Pre-Season fall sale, well sisterly love will fly out the window faster than you can say HALF OFF!!

no offense or anything,,,

This is what I am wondering, since I there are a few running around my gym...

WHY is it that transvetites are always like, the largest, gangliest, 6 ft 8 MEN with the hugest adam's apples on the planet? I NEVER see any trannies who are small wimpy guys to BEGIN with. In fact I know MANY smal puny men who would make GREAT women! (don't worry joe, even though you'd make a pretty lady, I am in fact NOT calling you PUNY)

But it seems like all the trannies running around my gym, as ummm, WOMEN, are larger than life. They look like giants, running on the treadmill, a good 3 feet higher than everyone else, with their false eyelashes, and long stringy weaves flinging every which way. This is all happenning while the puny straight boys are across the room, all 5 feet of them, trying to bulk up on the bench press for their Imaginary girlfriends...hoping to score with the ladies later with their teeny little pecks and little golf ball biceps. now THEY would be cute girls!

Well, guess the grass is always greener.

ebay is the new porn...

I rushed home last night, quickly fed the dogs, brushed my teeh, half-watched Idol because I was trying to get ready for bed, and then FINALLY went into my room, shut the door, turned off my phone, crawled in bed, made sure I had enough battery power, and opened my laptop as I literally went "ahhhhh"...

it was TIME to take care o' bidness. I have NEEDS.

Then the excitement began...

I waited with baited breath, my heavy breathing starting to fog the screen, so I took my sweaty hand and wiped it clean and waited for the page to load. I was dying with anticipation. the tension building...and building....going from opening page, to secured password page, to advertisements...(this is e-foreplay) and then , finally, there it was in front of me, in all it's glory.

RAW. NAKED. HUGE.

what I had been waiting for allll day....I moaned with ecstasy!!!!!!!.......

"YOU HAVE SOLD 3 ITEMS!"

I squirmed with glee. my heart was pounding, blood rushing to my nether regions as I pounded the keys...that feeling was climaxing to final glory...

"YOU HAVE BEEN PAID FOR 3 ITEMS!"

my eyes rolled back in my head...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA....

phew. what a night! I paused, sighed, swept the hair outta my face. Then went to paypal, calculated my earnings, had a few last shudders of ecstasy as I saw how much shipping they all paid, fondly took a look at the rest of my auctions, closed up the laptop and snuggled into a dreamy sleep.


I woke up this morning with a certain glow. I rolled over and felt a hardness pushing against my thigh. "oh you little rascal," I thought.

it was time for a second round.

I had another auction about to end.

seriously...

I was concerned about my morning outfit being too matchy matchy.

And then there's this.

Snoop Dog.

And his hair beads match his granny shower cap.
He needs zoloft. or something.

RAZOR THURSDAY

I woke up this morning VERY depressed, which is weird since I take stuff for that, and I figured it was the cold foggy morning.

except i LOVE cold foggy mornings. So then I paddle into the kitchen, make my NY coffee imported form NY and figure that will take the blues away, all the while thinking of how to seek revenge on our neighbors (that's a whole other blog that I can't wirte yet because am still too angry and may do bad things)

except it doesn't. I was still sitting here crusty and scowling, so I turned on the TV to fox news, which is like IN TOUCH weekly disguised as news, WITH weather!!! (I can't believe it took me so long to figure this out...soooo many wasted boring mornings tedioudly half-listening to the today show or good morning america!)

anyhoo, THAT's when I realized why I had a mean spirit. BRANDON DAVIS WAS VOTED OFF!?!?!?!?!??! but wait. there's more. HE WAS VOTED OFF AND SANJAYA STAYED!!!!

I don't even know what to do with this major upset. I thought, given the odds of life, that after LAST week's crazy ass upset, that THIS week HAD TO BE BETTER. and THIS is what happens! There were like 3 people AT LEAST who were WAY WAY WAY worse (haley,phil aka powder,creepy sanjaya) than brandon. I don't know what to do. It's not like I can boycott. But at the same time It just all seems so WRONG and a waste of time if only retarded 10 yr old girls who DON'T KNOW WHAT "GAY" means yet, are the only people voting. The lifeblood has been sucked out of me. the world does not make sense. this is worse than when W won....again.

it's gonna be a dark day. Thursdays aren't looking good for the next while. consider yourself warned.

spring diet

I am starting a diet today.

WHY NOW? you ask.

WELLL...

NOT because I pay $200 an hour for my shrink to tell me that I need to lose weight.

NOT because I was prescribed anti-depressants because my shrink said gaining so much weight was a sign of depression.

NOT because none of my clothes fit, including my stretchy yoga clothes and underwear. when underwear gets tight you're in trouble...but that didn't even motivate me. I actually bought bigger undies.

NOT because I just noticed I have fat-lady-feet.

NOT because I went to vegas this weekend and pulled my back AND sprained my ankle because I am too fat to dance in heels.

,.,,but BECAUSE yesterday at the dog park my lovely little girl lab AND my old lab mistook me for this MUCH LARGER, shall we say, heavy set, lady WHO was also poorly dressed and a good 50 lbs heavier than me but her hair was in a bun like mine (never again) and they both went up to her thinking it was ME!!! they were noticeably confused when I SCREAMED at them to "get the hell over here" to me. They looked at me, looked at her, and THEN realized they had the wrong owner!! REALLY!!

They got no treats that night. stupid mutts.

So that was the perverbial straw that broke the fat camels back.

call me LIZA...

I have never been shy about my shrink prescribed meds...zoloft, adderral. BUT I am nothing if not discreet about it. I keep my little blue pills in a cute adorable pill case that LOOKS like a big tylenol. SO hip I can hardly stand it.

ANyhoo, as it so happens, my old dog Beck takes LOTS of meds and they come in these GIANT green prescription vials. Seriously, they look comical, the size of say, a coffee mug. He takes 3 different ones and one is a narcotic so it has a big huge label that says "THIS DRUG MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS AND MAY BECOME HIGHLY ADDICTIVE."

SO of COURSE I picked up all his meds at the vet one day, threw them in my purse and went along my merry way to teach my private client and his wife. After I was all done I went to leave and my client pulls me aside and he's hemming and hawing and I thought it was weird and he says...

"ummm, I just wanted to tell you that I thought your purse was my wife's purse and I was looking for her dayplanner, and I went searching in YOUR bag on accident and I am really sorry, because ummm, I didn't want you to think I was searching through YOUR purse, and ummm, invading your privacy, and ummm I'm REALLY SORRY."

I just chuckled and said, "oh, no big deal. it's fine. haha." I was perplexed as to why he was so nervous. so then he says...

"I mean I think I messed up some of your, ummm, STUFF, you know, and I feel really bad...because you know that's YOUR business and I feel like I really invaded your privacy because I moved some of your STUFF around"

and I was still like "oh I don't care...it's fine REALLY" all the while thinking, "man this guy has privacy issues"


THEN when I when I picked up my purse and got in my car, I realized why he was all nervous. all those big giant green pharmacy prescription NARCOTICS were askew. The labels glowing in the dark of my coach bag HIGHLY ADDICTIVE. DROWSY. REFILLS.MY NAME.

I just started snorting laughing to myself. he was probably in his house right that second telling his wife that her yoga instructor had some serious prescription drug issues.

oh well. when in hollywood....

old

I can BARELY deal with all these grey hairs that are getting INCREASINGLY difficult to pluck (my right temple is becoming quite bald) not to mention the new little spider veins creeping behind my knees...but today was icing on the alzheimers cake when I was just chilling on my couch, half watching regis and kelly, half trolling ebay, when my boss called and I answered cuz I thought maybe she wanted me to cover some no show or something. turns out I was the NO SHOW. I was supposed to be teaching a class and I 100 percent forgot. how lame is THAT? I FORGOT!!!!! And, unlike in my youth when "I FORGOT" was a half assed excuse, it is now a serious offense to my youth, because i actually forgot!!!!

AHHHHHHHHH.


what is WRONG with me? I was SO mad all day that it put me in a horrid mood that not even zoloft or the season premier of ANTM could touch.

running 'idol' commentary

Blake Lewis is going to win Idol...unless he completely fucks it up. he is SO cute and SO good. And also everyone else is sucking tonite. also he gets my vote for best dressed and best hair. he has, as simon says "the whole package."

on other news, I was witing for class to start and I was reading my new book THE TIME TRAVELER'S WIFE (which I can't put down) and one of my regular students walked in and said, shocked "WHAT are you reading? Are you reading something other than IN TOUCH?!?!?!?" THEY just don't KNOW me. I like to keep a nice line between me and student.

back to Idol...there's a michael jackson look/sound alike who creeps me out. his name is sanjaya. he needs a brow wax. that won't help him much. he would just look less, eddie munster-ish.

I had to pick up dogfood for my roomate yesterday (otherwise he "borrows" mine and my precious chosen ones eat only venison and duck, and it ain't cheap!) and he feeds his dog pedigree, and I was trying to figure out which flavor, and I was laughing out loud when they had "beef and noodle stew" because before man domesticated dog, back when they lived wild and hunted spaghetti, they were MUCh healthier! people are SO stupid. anyway I bought it cuz hey, not MY dog.

happy day-after-valentine's day!!

THIS is THE BEST day of the year. Why? because Valentine's is the lamest-yet-campiest holiday ever...but the day after??? NOT ONLY do all the heart chocolates go half price, BUT also the stores bust out the cadbury easter eggs, the fake egg crates filled with, not yucky egss, but perfect marshmallow filled chocolate eggs AND the "whopper" robin's eggs in the fake milk carton are released to the general public.

so in other words, you can have "eggs" and "milk" for breakfast and, you know, that counts!

I took the day off. this should be a legal holiday.

Can I also note, that in the "RALPHS" supermarket down the street, all the ceramic lawn easter bunnies are "dark". ALL. no white bunnies here. this is da hood. what I don't get though, is that we live in a hasidic jewish neighborhood. so not only is there no easter, but there are also no black people. so did our Ralph's get the wrong shipment?

on other news, there are these new shoes called MBT shoes. they are THE UGLIEST shoes ever (well, not as ugly as earth vegan shoes) and they cost about $300 per pair, the thing is, they make you build muscle and are like a workout just by walking around your house and/or office and stuff. I tried them on yesterday and just from walking around the granny store (they are sold at 'easy spirit'!!!) my legs were burning! I must have these crazy expensive shoes.

please. someone buy this for me!

this is what happens when you take a day off.

hooky

I am playing hooky today. I subbed out my class and am going to spiff up the guest room, hang my amazingly cute pictures of my amazingly cute dogs...



...and then do some yoga and stuff. right now however, I am watching regis and kelly. I am still reeling from the lame-ass TOP CHEF finale. Marcel lost. :( And more importantly he was a sore loser which THANK GOD, because THAT was the only entertaining part. he shoulda won. and TOP DESIGN? pffft. borrrrrrrring. could todd oldham BE a more lame ass YAWWWWNNNN host?

anyhoo, this is fun. taking a day off for NO REASON. I have nowhere to go. nothing to really do. don't have to fake a cough. don't have to clean (lucy polished my ugg boots) and don't have to pay any bills!!! wooohooooo. I highly recommend it.

i don't know

I really have nothing to post. But am sitting here and nothing is on TV, waiting for the TOP CHEF finale (in case you were wondering i am rooting for Marcel and his foam dishes)(and ONLY because it will make all those other asshole contestants SO mad! heeehehehhe) so I figured I would just write something. so um, let's seeeeeeee....

These are some pressing issues in my life.

1. The one and only bill that's NOT in my name is the cable bill. I hate feeling so out of control here. We have no DVR and my "roommate" keeps saying that he is calling, but I suspect like all hollywood people he is lying. So i am bitter every time I miss something good and am secretly plotting SOME sort of revenge but can't even THINK of anything that would be as torturous as NOT HAVING A DVR!!!!

2. we have a new maid. her name is Lucy. she brings her husband with her on sundays. they clean like CRAZY and make me so uncomfortable that I now can't come home for a nap after my sunday classes, because Lucy and mr. lucy will be hand scrubbing the inside of the vacuum and ironing the dogs and I can't just plop down on the newly fluffed couch to watch TV and eat a snack while they are breaking a sweat. So this week I actually went to yoga. Maybe this is what will get me to lose weight. i will be a size six in IRONED jeans!!

3. I went to get my Zoloft refill prescription last week and since it's a new year I guess I have to do the deductible again, only I didn;t know that. So when the pharmacist said "$78.85" I said matter of factly "uh NO. I only pay a co-pay" and he said "that IS the co-pay" and I said louder "NOOOOO. MY COPAY IS $25. NOT $78!!" and he said "welll, ma'am, maybe because it's a new year you have a deductible?" and I said now angry and very rude "NOOOOO! I don't start my new year until MARCH. YOU made a mistake and I don't appreciate you telling ME that I have a NEW deductible when in fact I KNOW I DO NOT!" and he said very calmly like he was talking to a psychotic "i do not know ma'am. we only go by your insurance. maybe they made a mistake and you could call them." and I said, still yelling and shaking "well YAH. I WILL. but the only mistake made was by YOU GUYS!! And I will NEVER come here again!!! and you shouldn't treat people like this!!!!!"

then I realized that I was in fact getting Zoloft and they were probably thinking "boy, she sure NEEDS that stuff!!"

assholes.

4. top chef is on!!!! we're all saved!

the lemonade diet aka...the master cleanse

I tried to go on the lemonade diet a few days ago. I bouht all these amazing meyer lemons, juiced them,started one morning and ended the day with a triple venti mocha. I failed.


sooo, what to do with all that lemon juice? well, I considered trying again today. I got the juice out, looked at it, told myself if I didn't start today then all that amazing lemon juice would go to waste, for motivational purposes.

Ended up making the MOST amazing lemon cream pie!!!! yummmmm....

one more thing....

should I get a lab puppy or have a baby? Either way i wanna name it callie.

okay okay...I'm still here

Sorry, I was in a New Year's downward spiral. THAT and it has been the week of all new tv shows like Idol and my super sweet sixteen, and the apprentice and the real housewives of orange county...and...and...and then with all the media fight between the donald and rosie, i simply had no TIME to blog.

But what was on my mind this week is this...what is the protocall during the holidays in regards to giving your shrink a gift? I mean, obviously, you don't give him a money bonus/tip or anything. I mean, they're already loaded. And then I thought "do I send a card?" But the only reason you send christmas cards anyway is to show off your perfect amazing successful life, and well, your shrink already knows how fucked up you are, so what's the point? and if you're a clepto, you just CAN'T give him a gift, cuz he'll KNOW. And if you're an drunk, then ditto on the nice wine/champagne option. Do you get him a nice box of guest soaps? but who ever visits a shrink? A mug? do they even DRINK coffee? A nice pair of socks for when he's visiting in-patients? And then if you do pick out a nice frame or tie, you then start to psycho-analyze YOURSELF "what will he think?" "does a box of soaps MEAN something" "will he open it and shake his head and say 'oh, she's worse than i thought' ?" It's all very confusing and I don't even want to ASK him because his answer would cost me like, at least $25 and that's the very amount I WAS going to spend on the shrink gift.

dilemna.

NEW YEAR resolutions....why start off the year failing?

How the hell are you supposed to start your resolution on New Year's day when there are SO MANY leftovers to be eaten and half full bottles of vodka to be consumed and all the New Years sales happenning? Seriously it's completely screwed up and backwards. If you're gonna have a resolution (IF) then make it a valentine's resolution....arbor day resolution...presidents day resolution...something that is just more CONVENIENT than this crazy "new year's resolution" nonsense.

holiday tips from dad

Here are some tips to consider when you are at those holiday parties:

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet
table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see
carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum
balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt
scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch.
You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares
that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going
to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have
one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of
gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of
your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or
whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It 's like buying a sports
car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat
other people's food for free. Lots of it.

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.
This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the
buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of
eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before
becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of
shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or
if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always
have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have
some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party
or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read
tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Have a great everything!!!!!!

the perfect holiday recipe...

this is what I have had for breakfast the past 5 mornings....

1/2 zoloft
1/2 speed
triple gingerbread latte.

Friends are amazed at my great disposition, family are awed by my pleasant demeanor...it's the perfect holiday breakfast cocktail.

you're welcome.