"SHIT!-I'M-OLD" SUNDAYS

LAST WEEK'S ENTRY

STOP GOING SO FAST Little Oprah! Grammybitch can't go that fast in her sturdy shoes and walker!

Now. Let me tell you something Little O with your fancy schmancy Roller Knives. What? Oh, yah. Roller BLADES. WHATEVER! Now what was I saying? Oh yah, when I WAS YOUR AGE I rolled around on roller SKATES. yah. SKATES. Some of these SKATES looked like sneakers. And some looked like boots and had red wheels and the REALLY cool girls had pom poms on the tip of their white skates.


I never had pom poms on my skates.

I had THESE skates. Year after year after year.

And here's the problem with these skates little O....THEY WERE ADJUSTABLE. SO when your feet grew...you could ADJUST them and they would "grow" too.

DO you understand? Do you get what I'm saying?! YOU COULD NEVER GET RID OF THEM! And they clanked down the sidewalk. They were SO.SLOW. and the cool girl would blow past you on her little white skates with her little red wheels! HELL...even the half-wits who picked their NOSES would blow past you with their NORMAL skates.

And you had to wear your regular old sneakers WITH them. That's why they were "practical."

And your Great GrammyCrazyBitch wouldn't buy me new skates! EVER. And I couldn't pretend they didn't fit. CUZ THEY GREW WITH YOU.

SO you see how lucky you are? Thanks to modern day greed, NOTHING is made to grow with you anymore. You'll never have to grow up and spend thousands and thousands of dollars on fancy designer shoes because you were traumatized with the metal skates from kindergarten-12th grade.

You damn kids have it SO GOOD.

I wish there were a weekday that began with P...

Cuz then I would SO have a blog day called "I HATE PEOPLE PATURDAYS" or something.

A "friend" of mine on FB posted this in her update....
CRAZY MOTIVATIONAL LIFE COACH is laughing at my son's classic comment tonight... when told he could not go over to his neighbor's house before dinner, he replied with " mom, I'm mad at you. You are making my heart dim!"... No, I did not teach him that - it was his second day back to school lesson he learned today.


This is the response of one of her friends....(have your barf bags ready)

Children hold serious spiritual power and messages for us, sometimes we overlook them. That is amazing, you should look into that and see what part of him is expressing that and what it is in regards to. I bet that is a serious spiritual fruit, and gift his soul is extending to you! Lots of love to you, in light- Lauren.

I would rather wear THOUSANDS of sturdy shoes than have dinner with THAT girl!

But a Diaper and Jello Cubes Away From Adult Day Care

Had a check-up with the Orthopedic SPORTS Doctor today for my foot. I was determined to NOT see a podiatrist cuz that just sounds old. And I am avoiding "OLD," I know it makes no sense. But we all have our insecurities. And seeing old people doctors like podiatrists? I am avoiding.

Did it do any good? Attempting to escape old age stuff?

Uh no. You can't fool Mother Nature!

Because this is what my orthopedic SPORTS doctor said "well, the only thing you can do from here is blah blah blah and wear sturdy shoes.

Gulp. STURDY SHOES?? STURDY????


Sturdy shoes comes second in the list of words you NEVER want to hear as a female. Second only to "STURDY GAL." Right up there before having to stay at places with the word "paradise" in them.


Sturdy shoes are the gateway to canes and girdles and bedpans! Oh my!


And even though I will NOT be wearing sturdy shoes EVER, it was a cruel cold reminder that my designer heels do in fact have an expire date. And that date is sadly in the foreseeable future.


sigh. bye bye shoe closet :(



Hello future.

"SHit!-I'M-OLD" SUNDAYS

LAST WEEK's "SHIT!-I'M-OLD" SUNDAY

Listen here Little Obama, Back in my day we had these things called RECORDS. And we had Record players. I remember when your Great Grammycrazybitch bought me my first RECORD. It was a band called The Stray Cats. And I only wanted to listen to "Stray Cat Strut." It went like this...

Stray Cat strut I'm a ladies man, hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm I wish I could be as carefree and wild, BUT I GOT CAT CLASS AND I GOT CAT STyyyyyyyyyyyyyyLE!

Now THAT was good music Little O. Good good music! I would put the needle on that song over and over and over. Yes, that's right. NEEDLE. Not like the needle your mummy uses to knit her organic hemp tampons, a record needle. And that needle played the music. And no, we did not have headphones. Definitely ask your Great AuntieHippie about her CASSETTE tapes of New Kids on the Block, and her BOOMBOX.

Now, let me tell you about your GreatUncleDumbass, who's WAY older than me, and listened to 8 track tapes....

Priceless

I know I know. Two posts on a friday=LOSER. But I just HAD to cuz it's so funny. If you've read Twilight You'll LOVE it.

Mudderella

I just got back from the dogpark. I need to explain something here. We go to this giant park. And I endlessly throw the ball for my dogs on the baseball field where the bums sleep under the bushes. There are ALL KINDS of crazy in this park. Especially at 6am. Which Includes but is not limited to hobo sex under the bushes, 90 yr old grannies JOGGING in skirts, various drug deals, people walking around talking to themselves, ne singing to themselves and the world, and Little old asian men doing tai-chi and chanting.

Well today beat ALL of that. I got to the baseball field and I see a guy with a tripod and I think he's a land surveyor or something (they've been doing construction everywhere) but no. That was a video camera. And I notice the guy is in his Jack Trippers (shorty shorts) and that he's hairy.

But no. He's not covered in hair. It's MUD. Annnnndddd, he starts jogging and I'm all well HE'S a messy jogger. But no. he doubles back around and THROWS himself into a huge mud puddle right in front of the camera.

okayyyyyyeeeee. I am frozen. Don't know what to do. Run away fast or act like this is all normal, nothing to see here. So I quickly walk away. as he gets up and slides into the mud belly down.

It FELT like a porno, only it was just him and he WAS wearing shorts, though once bathed in mud he did look naked. And I was like, this is some kind of fetish film, surely to end up on youtube later.

I couldn't stop watching. Apparenty Quintan Mudantino finished his um, film and walked his tripod and camera to his car. Was he gonna get into his car? ALL lubed up in mud?? This is riveting.

He puts his camera in his trunk, then WALKS BACK to the mud. I thought maybe he forgot something? But no. he throws himself belly down AGAIN sans filming.

Soooo, he LIKES it...HEY MIKEY! And THEN while belly down in the Pudddle O' Fun, he buries his FACE in the mud and moves his face side to side really gettin' in there. Much like Mick does after a long hard run. But he's well, you know, A DOG.

I am so grossed out I get a gag reflex. I mean, I freak out when Micks does this, because do you know what's in that mud? Squirrel poop. Dog pee. And various other fluids of questionable origin.

"Look away KK, just LOOK AWAY." But I couldn't. I was transfixed. Then he turns over on his back and wriggles around a bit and then gets up and saunters back to his car. AND THEN pulls out some clothing and puts his clothes on OVER his completely muddy self. And then drives away.

Huh. Now THAT's a whole lotta crazy before 6:30am.

Wonder what he's gonna call his film. When Harry Met Muddy? Mudaholic? The Usual Musdspects? Hannah Mudtannah? Extra Dirty Dancing? Sixteen Puddles?

Geez. The rest of my Friday is gonna be SO boring!

Plumbing 101

My Annoying Neighbor Downstairs: Hey. Sorry for just coming by, but are you guys having any kitchen sink problems? Cuz we're having water leak down our kitchen ceiling.

ME: mmmmm, not that I KNOW of. But feel free to check. I don't do the dishes or anything, so I haven't noticed.

HIM: (under the sink) Well, I don't see any leaks or anything. hmmmm. (looks on top of sink and counter) Well, it looks like at some point you need to seal that tile cuz water might be leaking down from there.

MY ROOMMATE: OH! I can do that! I can totally caulk that. But we don't have any....Do you have any we can borrow?

[wait for it...]

HIM: Yah, but I can't find my caulk.

ME: HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA. You can't find your CAULK!! HAHAHAHHAHA!

HIM: (bright red) Oh yah. I didn't mean...oh. ha. ha. (trying to recover by being funny) My wife took my caulk YEARS AGO. ha.

Dude. Awkward. You just killed my buzz.

Seriously? What happened to good ole War stories, Stock Market Crashes and Cop Beatings?

It would be REALLY nice to turn on the TV in the morning and NOT have to hear about the horrors in your community FIRST THING. This morning was worse than usual. They were showing innocent stories about Obama haters, underhanded bankers, the earth eroding away...and then BAM they have to sneak in the most horrific of all.

You might wanna stop reading.

A MAN.

Was going outside of his house on a sunday evening.

And his little girl goes "Daddy! A snake!"

And the dad looked over on to his FRONT LAWN to see an 11 FOOT PYTHON creeping across.

All non-chalant like. Like it was a little field mouse, or squirrel who was just makin' his evenin' rounds.

The dad was all "I looked over and was thinking 'oh, a snake' until I saw it and then I was pretty scared'"

PRETTY SCARED???

I don't even know what amount of psychopharmacology would have been required for me to function in daily life after that.

Oh, and in case you're wondering, it's not like he lived in the woods in North Carolina, where stuff like this happens ALL the time! He lived in the OC! Where teen shows are born. Where people shop and go to the beach and stuff.

AND they ended it by saying "It's probably a female and she is lost, so if you're the owner please contact us!"

No. Don't try to make me be all "awwwwww...poor little lost snakey girl." NO.

And if someone's ELEVEN FOOT PYTHON is LOST? Then they should go to prison. NO PAROLE.

How am I supposed to enjoy my coffee now, huh!??!?!?

"SHIT!-I'M-OLD" SUNDAYS

There are a lot of blogs around with "Not Me Mondays" and "Wordless Wednesdays"(whatever that means...pictures?) and "Freak Magnet Fridays" (LOVE) and I think there's one for every day of the week but I can't remember the rest.

Well, I figure NOW, on sunday evenings we can ALL sit down and tell the annoying tales we will tell to our grandkids someday even though in our youth we swore we would NEVER TELL THESE TALES. I have found myself saying these things in my head. I know the day is JUST around the corner when I will start blurting them out in public. So may as well start now!

Tales from the Crypt Keeper

Come on over here little Obama & Oprah! (I'm sure no matter how hard I try to raise little pinstripe-suited republicans, my kids will inevitably end up being poor hippie assholes who dress my grandkids in purple hemp and pray to mother earth) GrammyBitch wants to show you something.

You see that Rite Aid over there? THAT store used to be called "thrifty's". And when I WAS YOUR AGE, a scoop of butter brickle ice cream was 10 cents! and a double was 20 cents. And get this Little O's...a triple scoop was 30 cents! Can you believe they try to make us pay $10 for a scoop of ice cream these days? Highway Robbery I say!

And did you know that WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE we had a phone. That PLUGGED INTO THE WALL. And there was this thing called a DIAL. And you had to stand in the same place to talk to someone. Oh, and you whipper snappers will NEVER believe this. We had NO REMOTE CONTROL for the TV. We had a DIAL on the TV too! And you had to GET UP and change the channel on the DIAL.

"Oh, grammy...now THAT is not true. you're lying to us grammy! No remote! HAHAHHAHAHA....And Grammy? What's a DIAL?"

***If you don't want to use a swear word you could substitute SHAZAM or SHITAKE or SCHIZZLE

Pampers Pants...or Pamps

I was gonna write a post about Nutella and how I just saw a commercial for it used as a nutritional breakfast food because, and I quote...

..."Nutella is FILLED with wholesome ingredients like hazelnuts, skim milk, and real cocoa! (they left out the FIRST 2 ingredients, healthy sugar and Hydrogenated Palm Oil) AND I put it on whole wheat toast for a nutritious breakfast! AND as A mother I feel good about it!"

But I'll keep it simple because IT IS THE WORST FOOD OUT THERE and I LOVE IT. And If I love it, your kids should NOT be eating it.

THEN an ad from THIS NEW product landed in my email box and ooohhhh boy! I couldn't let you move on to your weekend without the new....




...PRANCING LEOPARD PANTSUIT! You sexy kitten you! Meeeeeoow! Who needs a widdle witter box when you can just poop right in your widdle onesie!
You don't like a jumpsuit style? Don't worry! They have poop-in-your-pants PANTS too! They're called the "Harlem Pant" cuz you know, for people who like to JUMP AROUND. JUMP AROUND. JUMP UP JUMP UP AND GIT DOWN.



And to GO WITH your Harlem Hot Pants....AWESOME SOCKS so that you can wear socks with your flip flops! Or even your new bandals! PHEW! As a yoga teacher my feet get WAY cold when I wear flip flops and FINALLY they have created socks for ME!


And for those rare days when I get sick of flip flops, they have created these...

These will for SURE stay clean and you won't trip over those ties AT ALL! But having elfin-like feet with the "dumper jumper" will be HOTT!! Yah, that's right. DOUBLE TT HOT!**

**You need to put your orders in NOW so that when I host the Blogger Yoga retreat (which I really am gonna do soon....dates will be discussed later) you will be prepared to show up decked out and ready to rumble in the desert jungle!

She totally takes after me...

I don't have kids because I think "if they don't turn out like my niece, how will I love them?"

(Thanks for the pics dede!!!) (and the trampoline!)

Sat Morning Marathon....HAHAHA....right.

I scheduled painters to come at 10:30 on a SATURDAY MORNING! What the H-E-double hockey sticks was I thinking!?! AND...AND I still have to go to Home Depot (AAAHHHHHH) and get the paint. On a SAT. When it will be crazy busy.

I'm having a quadruple big gulp sized coffee this morning.

The painters will be here in 28 mins.

Did I mention I don't have any paint?

And I'm still in pajamas.

But they have to tape and stuff right?

And I'm still here typing.....

This blog has a 5 cow rating, as no cows were inured in its making. People, however, may have been punched once or twice.

Being that I'm apparently turning Hippie, I am ALL concerned about the dairy my milk products come from. I know I know...If ONLY Hostess were organic...I'm sure it will be soon, if only in name.

SO in my VAST research (google) I have learned some interesting and shocking stuff. Now, I am not sharing this with you because I am being all up on my soapbox, but just so you don't waste your hard earned $$$ on buying organic stuff that isn't even organic.... When that good money could be spent on Leather shoes from italy!

LIKE apparently Horizon Products are full of it. this was interesting....

And also I read a BUNCH of stuff on how you shouldn't pay MORE for "free range eggs" cuz they're not. There's just ONE GIANT cage, or "barn" as they say. But it's all the same. So just buy regular eggs unless you're gonna be like me and raise some chickens in a SUPER cute chicken coop!

Also I found this rating chart for those of you who wanna know where to get REAL organic milk stuff.

This is all very difficult for me, as you can imagine. I am the people I make fun of!! But here's the thing. I will still and forevermore eat chocolate and if it comes from the ghetto of all cow farms...like the lock-down-prison of dairies, like the cows smoke a pack a day and eat off of food stamps...well, I did my part by buying good milk!

AND? I do NOT mention this stuff in public. As far as anyone knows...I kill bunnies and voted republican all the way.

There's no place like home and a king sized bed

ahhhhhh. Back in MY BED with my nespresso home made mocha and Fox morning news and two muddy dogs on my bed.

Just slid RIGHT back into my LA life.

Here were some Utah highlights....

1. My friend to her kid: "Hey Chase! Who got your dinner for you?"

Her kid pointing to me: "HIM"

2. My Niece: How OLD are you auntie Kristi?

ME: thirty eight

{pause}

{contemplation}

HER: you look MUCH older than thirty!

ME: That's because I said thirty EIGHT.

HER: {looking at my face} oh yah. that's about right.


I had a great return to my classes last night too. Standing ovations, tears, and whatnot. The usual. Even the famous people sighed sighs of relief at my return.

All is well in Hollywood again.

We're not in kansas Anymore. No. Really. FINALLY.

Because I know you're on THE EDGE of your seats, I decided to make you a VLOG. This is gritty cinematography at it's best. Spielberg already called me in for a sundance entry.

poos and granny shoes

Had to go to the geriatric care unit foot doctor today. I won't say the P word because I've already been through enough 'old lady trauma' these past two weeks. But I had to look at x-rays of my feet. EWWWW! Creepy! I looked all Jack Skellington.


Now I can't even look at my feet without being grossed out. Like there's a DEAD THING living inside me! {shiver}

And can I just mention that whilst I was waiting for the foot doctor I had an interesting array of products and fungus toe pictures and hammer toe skeletons staring at me? Like I was in the house of foot horrors. The upside? Pre-xrays I was VERY enamored with my perfect non fungal, non hammer-toed feet.

Then the doctor said "I can tape up your foot OR you might want to consider orthodics"

I was all TAPE IT UP I WILL NOT GET ORTHODICS UNTIL I AM 75

THEN for the rest of my super fun day I had to take a poo sample to the vet! I just LOVE Mick. If there is something to GET, he gets it.

And this, folks? Is my glamorous life in New York. Whatever Whitney Port and your tan grover arms! I'll show YOU the city!

This is a yoga-mercial. The ideas expressed in this blog are in no way endorsed by anyone.

I had to go to "physical therapy" today for the first time. I was all excited for a nice foot massage, or a therapist to just sit there and move my foot around and stretch stuff and be all "I can NOT buh-lieve you've been walking around with this horrible foot injury! You poor poor thing! You are SUCH a brave pioneer!"

I did NOT expect "okay, so sit here for a second and I'll be right back and we'll start with some exercises."
"Whach you talkin' bout Willis?""Physical Therapist lady say Wha?"

ugh. Injuries are NOT what they make them out to be on TV! I mean, all those people who call Jacoby & Meyers are sittin pretty in their mansions, on their Rascals that they got cuz they slipped at work! They got THOUSANDS! Hundreds of thousands! They didn't have to EXERCISE! Pfft.

I think I'm ready to just head back to CA now. I'm bored all holed up in an apt in NYC ordering delivery all day doing nothing. When I COULD be driving across Nebraska listening to Book 3 in the Twilight series!

You don't understand. Things are dire here. I am watching TV shows I've never even HEARD of before. I even did the ultimate boredom no no. I watched an entire half hour of...of...an INFO-MERCIAL. An info-mercial with heidi Klum and her magic disappearing wrinkle wand tide stick looking thing. And...and...I considered ORDERING IT.

And then I saw a show about a "natural" mom who gave birth on her boyfriend's LAP. On purpose. And they SHOWED IT. And a show about a woman adopting a baby in Korea...and I cried! I DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT ANYONE ADOPTING THINGS IN KOREA!!!

These aren't even shows discussed amongst my already low-brow circle of sisterhood. (no offense to anyone.) I mean, discussing today's Tyra show is one thing...yesterday's Soap Network Battle of the Stars? no.
These things have scarred me for life.

Oh my gosh...Cash Cab Marathon is on!!! See ya.

waiting for guffman....

UGH! I HATE HATE HATE waiting for people who are traveling to see me to GET HERE! Especially when everything is all ready. I mean...I vacuumed for these people! And now I find myself wandering laps around the place, making sure everything is ready. Moving the salt shaker two inches to the left. Pulling the shower curtain closed JUST SO.

I seriously need to start working again! (HAHAHA! Just kidding!)

I already just found out that one of my friends isn't coming because she forgot to pack her snuggie started puking on the plane. Then had to get off the plane. Isn't that SO SAD? That people were probably pointing and laughing at her like that?

I mean, if it were ME and I were puking on a plane I would just be all furrowed brow, weak voice "I. just. need. to. be. up. front." And I woulda done it AFTER they took off. And even if first class were full, they would request someone to switch seats and if they didn't they'd feel like a real A-hole. And then I'd be all "I. just. need. something. for. my. stomach. Sprite. and. warm. cookies. would. be. fine."

But I can't expect EVERYONE to have my gifted skills.

So now I'm extra neurotic like "did R make it?" "is her plane delayed?" "did she bring a snuggie too??"

Hey, It JUST occurred to me that MAYBE R poisoned K somehow. So she could have me ALL to herself! I mean, it wouldn't be the first time.

Hopefully she'll get here tomorrow morning. But I can't guarantee that her portion of the british candy bars will still be here.

Guess I'll go around once more and move the table chairs around.

The only cat in my life....

Oh, those crazy brits!

First, they INVENTED the kit kat bar. YAY UK!

THEN they went ahead and made it CHUNKY sized. THEN they added caramel...


and now???



OH MY HECK! This was the best thing EVER. It's made by Nestle, not hersheys, which MEANS that it's made in the UK...and as we ALL KNOW, candy from the UK is the best candy in THE WORLD.

I found it here. Hope you can find some!!

(I bought two for my arriving guests. Then I ate one. And then I ate the other one. oops. Sorry!!)

City Slipper

I have been put on "NO ACTIVITY" house arrest. SO I have been sitting in my apt with my foot elevated popping pills and cheese puffs!

I know the ENTIRE TV line-up from 8AM to Midnight. 2pm is a VERY dead hour in cable land. So I've been blowing through books.
The highlight of my days are chinese delivery and when my mom calls my cell and I don't answer and this is what she says on voicemail:
"Hi Honey! Are you there?............................Pick up if you're there!....................................................Okay! I guess you're not there..Call me!" This cracks me up. She still calls her cell "the car phone." I wonder at what point I'll be doing crazy old lady stuff like that?

Um, did you know that on the west inferior coast we don't have TWO very necessary items.
1. PUFFY cheese puffs. We have Cheetos cheese puffs, but they're skinny. The ones here are the original cheetos FAT cheese puffs. I have no idea why they make them skinnier on the west, but IT'S LAME! Suffice it to say that my keyboard has a not-so-mysterious orange tint to it.
2. Wonder bread! And I'm sorry, I know wonder bread is barely even food, but egg salad, bologna and peanut butter & Jelly (not all together) BELONG on wonder bread! And they don't sell it in CA anymore! I know! RIght?! But they have it here! And boy oh boy have I made the most of this rarity!

Basically I have reverted to 8yrs old here in NY during my "recovery" (Hi workers comp people! I am WAY in pain!!)

When you are homebound you discover TV shows that you would otherwise never watch. I highly recommend that if you're gonna slip on the stairs at work, that you do so for Fall Network Sweeps. I am now hooked on "18 kids and counting." has anyone seen this show? I.LOVE.IT. It's so freaky, and yet, so so, I don't even know. The dad's name is Jim Bob...need I say more? Between TLC and Bravo, I am learning all I need to know about life.

People keep calling me asking if I need anything, like groceries. I mean, the answer is YES. But can you just IMAGINE the list I would have? Yah. You don't HAVE to imagine it. See paragraphs 1 through 3. That is why I believe that EVERY single daytime commercial is for The Jitterbug phone, Larry H Parker accident attorney, and lap band surgery. Man, do they know their old, fat, "medically" unemployed audience. ( oh and also cash4gold commercials. For those of us fat old unemployed people who cross the line into pure desperation and go stealing from grandma's jewelry box)
Hostess is missing a real ad campaign op here.

ooooh...NEW episode of Tori & Dean on! My Guests are gonna have SO.MUCH.FUN here!!!