Saturday, February 14, 2009

The Gospel According to ME

And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, “You may surely eat of every tree of the garden, but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die.”

Yyyyyahhhhh. I DON'T THINK it's a coincidence that THIS? is Mac's logo. Nope.

You see? APPLE STORE = forbidden fruit= verily MUST NOT partake....and yet....we are sucked in by this serpent, if you will.

Evil, Evil mac serpent.

Notice that BITE out of the apple? yep. We were warned back in the day. We didn't listen.

i in all the iphone and imacs and ipods? let's take a historical look at the lower case letter i

Damien, Evil, satanic, forbidden fruit, cain, Hitler, Nixon, wicked, Lucifer, deceive, credit card bills, spiders diets...and so on.


Verily, this is what came to pass...

ME: Hi. I lost my iphone and also someone stole it. I need to get a new one!

LUCIFER: Wellllll, you know you we don't replace it. You know have to pay the FULL price right?

ME: Yes Yes, I know. No warranty. No insurance. By 'full price' do you mean the $199 I paid in the first place?

SATAN: no. you have to pay $399. The full price.

ME: but. but. I already have AT&T, I'm a LOYAL customer ALREADY.

DAMIEN: yah, but still, since you already had a phone now you have to pay full price.

ME: (in my mind "walk away, just walk away,. get a blackberry...but for the love of GOD don't take the bite!" ) fine. whatever. I'll just pay full price. I have no other choice.

SERPENT: Okayyyeeee. Let's seee...oh says here you're at your quota. You can only have 2 iphones in an 18 month period. Annnnnd you've had two! So, sorry, you can't buy an iphone. You'll have to get a different phone. (a pause) from an AT&T store. not here.

ME: (flames coming out of head) WHAT?!?!??!?!??!?!

BEELZEBUB: Yup. can't buy one. until July '09.

ME: WHAT?!?!??!?!?!?

DEVIL: Well, hey, don't tell anyone but I'll just sell it to you....for full price of course.

ME: (actually HAPPY and RELIEVED)(Total mind control they have here)(quickly threw credit card at him before he changed his mind) THANKS! Oh my gosh THANK YOU! (for selling me my same phone for twice the price)

And as I was walking out, GOD came around the corner....

And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden grove in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife stupid woman hid herself from the presence of the Lord God among the trees mannequins of the garden grove. But the Lord God called to the lady and said to her, “Where are you?” And she said, “I heard the sound of you in the grove, and I was afraid, because I was naked holding a new iphone and I hid myself.” He said," Have you eaten of the apple of which I commanded you not to eat?” The man I said, “The woman Mac employees whom you gave to be with me, they gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate bought” Then the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this that you have done?” The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I atebought it.”

Didn't have to change too many words here.

Coincidence? Look closely my friends.



Kristina P. said...

Wow, no wonder I don't like i anything!

And Mario Lopez also has an "i" in it. Coincidence? I think now.

Meg said...

Only two in 18 months? What the _____? Why are they rationing them? Is the end of the world near?

forever folding laundry said...

Well, I, too, am a member of the cult of Mac, so I can't really say anything to you about this. Once you're in you can never get out!

seriously? said...

I, too, am a member of this group but, have not been fully initiated yet. I am still visiting my Iphone in Hell, I mean at the Apple Store. I am allowed to have congugal visits with the Iphone once a month. I am still hoping to have it home with me at some point but, the prison warden (my hubby) keeps telling me NO!!

rychelle said...

Reading this (from my iPhone) totally makes up for skipping church today.

peewee said...

Well, Rychelle, I do try my best to bring the WORD to my people.

Chaka said...

Very funny stuff. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one with technology frustrations. Thanks for including the Mac Wheel link. you gotta love the Onion.

dede said...

I feel your pain - I have been through 4 phones since December (lucky for me, they will sell you blackberry after blackberry - full price of course!)

I am so glad I haven't showered yet - the tears from laughing so hard are uncontrolable!!

Counselormama said...

You are so funny, I will never see them the same way again!

Annie Miller said...

I think you and Dede are in a secret "lost your phone and have to pay full price again" club. I'm glad you didn't invite me--not offended one bit.

Shauna said...

I am new here! What a great blog :)

Carin said...

i want an iphone...
i am not going to lie...
i was hoping for one for Vday
i didn't get it...

but this post cheered me up!

i have read it to anyone who would listen!!!!

Dads(2) said...

This is priceless!