Monday, February 23, 2009

I am handsome I am smart, I am a walking work of art...

I had a "date" of sorts last night. You don't really need the details of the hows and whys.

Suffice it to say I didn't know the guy per se, he was a friend of a friend of a friend from high school twice removed on her step-mother's side. I ONLY SAID YES because he's a comedian, a Three-Time-ED McMahon-STAR-SEARCH-WINNING- COMEDIAN thankyouverymuch! (he threw in that bio)(how could you EVER say no to a MAN, an adult man, who was on Star Search??)

He ended up in my living room for, a little hand holding (I've learned A LOT from the Duggars) and I went into the kitchen to get a bone for the dogs because this was a new happening for them. A guy. On their couchmy couch. Who was TOO CLOSE to me. Mick kept jumping on him. I kept laughing. He wasn't QUITE as amused.

Anyhoo, I get up and as I'm in the kitchen I hear this singing.

I froze. Looked around. WHERE? is that coming from. Is Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor cd and/or dvd that NO ONE (but my bestest friends who I have many years of blackmail on) knows about?

I peeked around the corner. Star Search guy was totally reclined on the couch, like LYING DOWN, with his eyes closed, SINGING showtunes. DONNY OSMOND SHOWTUNES. Not just singing, like regular singing. but SING-ING. Like it was his fifth callback and he'd better bring it.

hmmmmm. what to do, what to do.


HIM: *opening one eye* oh, just singing some musicals. you like musicals?

BEFORE I CAN EVEN RESPOND he starts belting out a song from rent. One of the cheesy love songs (that I love, but still) AND, he doesn't just sing a FEW lines like the rest of us might do he sings the entire song.

I am not one to ever be speechless. SO I started laughing. I couldn't help it. There was NO OTHER response to this!

HIM: Why are you laughing? You don't like musicals?

ME: uh, yah, I mean, I LOVE musicals. But, but, (laugh laugh)....

HIM: What's your favorite?

ME: uhhh (I'm a total showtunes whore, and again, this is information given on a need to know basis, IF EVER.)

HIM: (again, before I can answer) I LOVE them. May as well tell you that now. I know every single lyric to RENT, WICKED-OH MY GOD I LOVE WIICKED!!, LES MIS, JOSEPH and the AMAZING TECHNICOLOR DREAMCOAT and EVITA. "Oh I know you can't buy love and I know you can't rent it.....

HIM: (in falsetto) "bring him home, oh bring him home, lord on high, bring him home...."

ME: (when he's done. finally) Hey yah. you DO know all the words. I thought I was a showtune whore who knew all the words, but uh, you got ME beat. And uh, I'm a girl...sooo...U gay or what?

HIM: NO Man. I just F*ckin' LOVE musicals, you know? LOVE. I mean when I fist saw Wicked, it's like I had to see it again and again man. I saw it like every WEEK while it was here. (he was getting caught up in the emotion of it by this point, reliving his 'wicked' memories)

ME: huh. *arm stretch, yaaawwwnnnn. Well, I have an early client, sooooooo...

He got up and pulled me in for THE KISS. CLEARLY he hasn't seen the Duggar Wedding Episode. 'Else he'd know I was saving my first kiss for MY HUSBAND. And at that point I realized I maybe shouldn't have stopped the singing. He gave a new meaning to "suck face". I think he was frenching my chin/jaw line. THANK GOD my dogs FINALLY made themselves useful by jumping on him in that moment. Good to know they have my back once in a while. Sure, they just wanted to play, but in SOME way, I'd like to believe they read my s.o.s. body signals.

He suctioned himself off and looked into my eyes and said "you have the smallest mouth"

HAHAHAHHAHHAHAH. Dude. No. YOU have a MUPPET mouth! What I said was..."welll, in comparison, yes"

You know? I always thought I would LOVE a (straight) guy who was a showtune dork like me, who understood Donny Osmond's depth and expertise, the intricate workings of RENT and the emotional delicacies in LES MIS. Instead I felt robbed. I AM THE ONE WHO KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO JOSEPH NOT YOU.

Next thing you know he'll be telling me
the history of Hostess.

Hmmm, it's just not gonna work.

I would IMDB link you to him, and his website, cuz it's Unintentionally HILARIOUS, but he's totally the type to google himself all day and I just KNOW he'd find this.

Oh, and we're going out again. oh yes. He's my new scientific research subject.

I just have to figure out how to divert the kissing. **tapping fingers on keyboard** GOT IT! I'll just keep singing showtunes too...

Imagined scene....He says "hey there baby, papa needs a little TLC, let me put my big giant muppet sized mouth all over you..."and right as he leans in...I go "CLOSE every door to me, Keep those I love from me, children of Israel are never ALONE!...."


dede said...

ha ha ha ha ha - I am glad the truth got out about you and Donny - to bad you don't have a thing for Elmo, maybe the night would have been more pleasant. Please continue to date him - I haven't laughed this hard all week!!

Counselormama said...

Man, this sounds like something that would happen to me! When he left did he point his fingers at you "gun style" wink and say, "Later babe?" You never fail to make me LOL! I love, love, love your blog!

rychelle said...

oh, this is SO great! (maybe not so much for you, but for us!)

i think you should bring him to vegas to see donnie and marie and introduce him to your vegas friends. ;)

p.s. why don't you just email his IMBD link and website. :)

Kristina P. said...

I totally second Rychelle's idea. An email would be lovely.

3 Bay B Chicks said...

If you are e-mailing the link the Muppet Man, I definitely want to be on the distribution. Please.

I should probably figure out a way to sweeten the deal for you, though. Hey, what about if I give you Emi? Kacey shouldn't mind. You don't even have to give up your dogs or your muddy bed.

What a deal...Emi + dogs that keep Muppet Man at bay + muddy bed = the 411 on Muppet Man for me. it.


Meg said...

Okay, first of all I must preface this by saying that I *hate* musicals and people spontaneously bursting into song for no good reason really freaks me out. Really. Really. Freaks me out. A lot.

That said, Mr. Muppetmouth would have gotten a "here's you hat. What's your hurry?" from me on the first bar of the first Joseph song.

I do have to admit that his appearance on Star Search and subsequent addmittace of such and appearance is totally rad.

peewee said...

wow. such a response for an email! hmmmmm, how can I make the most of it? Let me see. Let me seee...

I will auction off the info one clue at a time.

The bidding starts at 1 zinger.

Do I hear 2? 2? TO zingers to the lady in the striped sweater and pink skirt....DO I hear 3? 3? 3 zingers?

forever folding laundry said...

I'm intrigued. Now I'm thinking, is he like 60 years old? When is the last time there were comedians on Star Search? So now you have to end the speculation otherwise I will be forced to think you are dating Ray Romano. And I'd rather not envision him belting out tunes from musicals.



peewee said...

eeeeewwww....he's NOT 60. I do NOT do older guys. (and by "do" i mean as in "i have nothing to do with" not "do like DO" )(but also that too!)

Here's the best part Laundry, He was on the LOSER star search..when Ed McMahon tried to revive star search called "Ed McMahon's Next Big star!" HAHAHHA...makes hime more desirable, no?

Carin said...

"well, in comparison, yes"
I love that you said that- absolutely CLASSIC!!!

At least he didn't sing "Castle on a Cloud!"

Carin said...

p.s. does he know LES MIS in YOU DO!!!!?

peewee said...

ha! yah Carin...AT LEAST he only sang boy parts :) And no, Only I lay that clam to fame...and yes..I DID mention it to him! He was just a wee bit too proud of his lyrics!

Hillbilly Duhn said...

Giant muppet sized mouth! Totally made me laugh at LOUD!

I had seen you stopped by so thought to return the favor, and almost spit my coffee out on my computer screen. Too Funny!!

I was thinking he was gay too, with the show tunes, but gay or not, a kiss like that, arg! I had a guy once that thought french kissing was something that involved your tongue ten feet from your face and you sort of kissed outside your mouth?? I don't know, it was really wierd.

San said...

Oh man!!! I look forward to reading more on your new scientific research subject! :)

Kathy B! said...

Okay. I was drinking my Diet Coke while reading... got started laughing hysterically mid-swallow... proceeded to nearly choke to death... causing DH to charge in to save me...

You need to put a warning banner at the top of your blog. This is my first visit and if I'd known I would've been a little better with my drink timing.

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