Thursday, June 05, 2008

New Roommate

HA! not her. I just posted her so in case you were sitting down with your egg McMuffin and checking my plucky blog, you might choke and spew coffee. You know, just a little morning humor!

I rented out my guest room for the summer, and this girl was a friend of a friend in NY. Well, not even a friend, she was a fellow washington square dog park-er so immediately I knew 2 things.

1) she would be crazy. medicate-able, but still.

2) she could have hippie genes in her buried somewhere.

Last night i came home from work and she had unpacked some stuff. I sniffed around everything more than the dogs did. I became nervous when I saw organic items in the fridge from whole foods. Not just organic, but ORGANIC stuff that looks foreign, like it was packaged by a little old chinese lady in her hut on her farm where she grows exotic medicinal herbs.

There were 'vitamins' I had never heard of. Vitamins that were spelled with letters AND numbers. little bottles of creepy looking liquids where the lid is a dropper. I opened the cupboards to find "salmon jerky" ( I mean. REALLY?) and the biggest bottle of organic apple cider vinegar I have ever seen.

uh oh.

I looked for ANY sign of a hostess product.

So I called out "Tara?" (I needed more info here) and she came out of her room and we were both all "Hiiiiiii"


ME: I'm so glad you're here! Did you, um, find everything okay? (trying to peer over her shoulder to see what's in her room)(if there was incense we'd have to have a "talk")( I never had her sign a lease for this very reason)(see? People's court ain't just for entertainment)

HER: YAH! It's so great here!

ME: good! Well, you know if you need anything or have any questions feel free to ask :) I'll be watching TV...I watch A LOT of TV! ha ha chuck chuck ( didn't want to give TOO many details here, like WHAT I watch on TV...just puttin' feelers out here) Do You?

HER: Well, I didn't have cable in New York...

(I think I fell over dead her and she had to revive me. I don't know because my mind went blank. Was there running water where she's from? HUGE. RED. FLAG. I went right back to the time I got a roommate in Utah, and she came over and said she'd be moving in her SNAKES that weekend but don't worry because they'll stay in their snake cage, which she had custom built as a coffee table, you know, so you could put your feet up on the snake cage while watching the evening news....)

HER:....I just was never home and when I was I would just rent whole dvd series of Law and order and anything else like it.

ME: !!!!!!!!! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! (One plus for her!)

HER: yah. it would get bad because I wouldn't go out all weekend, I'd just pull the curtains closed and watch back to back law and order ALLL DAY. I couldn't stop!

sister? are you my real long lost sister?

ME: Yah, I do that too!

MASSIVE conversation ensued about Law and Order do's and don'ts and every other TV series in the world. I was in heart with her. The hippie food I had witnessed earlier I had shoved into the back of my brain.

ME: (making good segue into food) So we have GREAT delivery stuff around....u vegetarian? ( I said this SO nonchalantly, but on the inside it was, I imagine what it feels like for a guy to propose, and that space in between the asking and the yes/no)

HER: NO! are you?

ME: (HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF)(The blood and color came back to my face) NOOO! no. I was just curious, you know, I mean, I totally don't CARE if you are, I mean, lots of people are, I have friends who are, and I'm totally FINE with it. I mean. i have been vegetarian before (chocodiles have no meat products) and I LOVE vegetables and all. Just wondering.

HER: yah...well I just went shopping so if you want any of it, I got a big bottle of apple cider vinegar and some Kefir and salmon jerky. So if you want any, help yourself!

ME: Oh. Oh! that's soooooo sweet of you. I mean, I brought dinner, but uh, thanks. sooooo what do you do with the apple cider vinegar? I mean is it a drink, orrrrr, a condiment to your salmon jerky?

HER: I just drink it with each meal because it's supposed to be really good for your stomache.

I almost puked at the thought of it.

ME: mmmm. I think I've heard something like that before. But unfortunately, I am totally allergic to apple cider vinegar. It's a weird like family thing. vinegar. yah, my mouth itches and stuff when I have it. ( I say this with grave disappointment like I was saying i was allergic to coffee) But thanks!

she is SO not my sister. But whatever, to each his own. I wonder if this is the kind of disappointment a parnet feels when their children don't turn out the way they'd hoped. When perfect little bobby comes home in a pink dress, or when little amy sue gets arrested for her porn ring in 6th grade.

That was day ONE. This morning I came back from the park and the whole house REEKS of apple cider vinegar. So I made coffee and I am sitting here in my den drinking coffee hoping the smell of coffee would trump the ACV and it does not. In fact my stomach is churning because I am drinking coffee and inhaling APPLE CIDER VINEGAR. What? did she spray it around the house? I can't escape it.


She's super nice and cute, but how am I going to get over this!? And in THE MORNING?! WHO DRINKS APPLE CIDER VINEGAR IN THE MORNING!!

This will be interesting. maybe it's just the thing I need to get me outta the house, and KEEP me out. She better deliver on the TV end though.


dede said...

you are hilarious - I hope your new roomy doesn't find your blog so you can "share" more - in her defense (being a roomate once myself - thank goodness before the days of blogs) don't knock the ACV before you try it - weren't you the one that convinced me that shredded wheat nachos were SO good - and I actually tried them - in fact I think we had them every night for like a week! I do, however, agree with the incense - that would be too much!

peewee said...

WHAT!?? NOT shredded wheat...wheat THINS nachos! and those ARE good!!!

dede said...

no my friend you are wrong - you took the large shredded wheat - broke it all apart and put fat free beans, cheese and sour cream on them!

peewee said...

I think you're thinking of your OLD roommates...maybe that one weird one who had a portrait of her and her cat. I hate shredded wheats...though I don't trust my memory any longer. who knows? maybe I saw a segment on oprah!

dede said...

who had a portrait of her and her cat??

Ashley Pittman said...

omg cant wait to come over and see this weird shit

Connie said...

I've got tears running down my cheeks from laughing. She might be the beginning of a book!!!!