Saturday, June 14, 2008

Waaaa Haaaaa

Remember when I used to complain about Jake-the-trainer?

yyyaaaahhhh.

Remember when you were in 4th grade and you thought school was ruining your life? and you couldn't WAIT to be a grown up, only to find how much it sucks to pay rent?

Well, enter Tunde (toon-day). Now close your eyes. go on. close em. Does a vision of a giant black man from South Africa who speaks in only 1 to 3 word sentences appear? The kind of African black man who wins marathons barefoot and moves to America to practice voo doo?

yah, that's him. Only, his "voo doo" is personal training. If you can call it that. It's more like in the movies when the big black African guy who speaks in 3 word sentences comes out of nowhere and says "Hello my friend," and he smiles a kind gentle powerful african smile but then he pulls out his Ak-47 and blows someone's head off.

It's more like THAT.

I'm desperate. I trained with jake on and off for 5 months and GAINED weight because I was putting on muscle and then hitting In 'n Out on the way home. So I became this like, behemoth with strong FAT arms. I thought it was just ME, like I was defective. Like I was Nick Cage in "Leaving Las Vegas" except instead of coming home with boxes of tequila, I had the Hostess Family packs. And the Costco size totino's pizza rolls.

So my "friend" was telling me about her trainer and was all "no, he's DIFFERENT. He KNOWS stuff. He KNOWS when I have eaten bread!" And then she threatened that if I didn't schedule an appointment she would stop playing scrabulous with me. (Anyone reading this? LET'S PLAY!) SO I called him.

Which brings me to my point here. HE MUST HAVE WORKED IN AFRICA in their super stealth torture regime. He was probably their "go-to-guy" for the real hard stubborn insurgents.

He makes Jake's sessions seem like a little girl's hopscotch match.

When I got there he was waiting outside. He had NEVER MET ME before and he yells across the parking lot, commencing the first of many 3 words (or less) sentences...

"KRISTIIIIIIIIIN."

My stomach lurched into knots. I seriously gulped. I put on my smiley "I LOVE TO WORKOUT" face, and bouncd up to the stairs and in a way too high voice was all "hiiii-yeee! Nice to meet you!"

"YOU AH LATE." (my session was 1:30. It was 1:29)

(stammering,unsure ) umm, no? I'm...right...on..... time?

YOU. AH. LATE

ummmm...uh...

DO PUSH-UPS NOW (he looks at pavement)

silence from me.

RIGHT HERE. PUSH-UPS.

long awkward silence

.........

..........

..........

(I maybe peed my pants here)

HAHAHA. COME IN!

puts his arm around me, I'm relieved AND terrified. But then huge relief like..."good, phew! this guy is only JOKING! He's funny! He's welcoming me in. I'll probably have to fill out some paperwork...

GET ON ELLIPTICAL.

I'll BE BACK

I hopped on, hit "start" and ellipticalled away. not bad. do-able. Glad he walked away for a bit, give me time to take stuff in...

ONLY LEVEL ONE?

where'd he come from? He was suddenly right by my side, pushing his finger on the "level" button until I couldn't breathe within 10 seconds.

and he hovered. With that weird african voo doo stare.

WHY YOU HERE?

"huh?"

WHY YOU HERE?

"umm, you mean like specifically here? like in personal training? or like personal training with you? specifically?"

WHY YOU HERE?

"um ,well, um, see, I have gained a lot of weight? very recently? umm, since I moved to LA..."

HOW LONG AGO?

"oh, umm, 3 years? ago."

NOT SO RECENT

"well, yah, umm, I mean, I just can't seem to get it off, and well, I have had a trainer, but I still ate a lot, and then Ahsley said I had to come to you so I did. and so, yah." (it was like truth serum had invaded my body)

AH


SO anyway...an hour AND FIFTEEN MINUTES of that plus some other rogue experimental tactics that probably brought down apartheid ensued.

Then he walked me out and said

NO BREAD.

pause

NO SWEETS.

pause

NO CHEESE.

pause

ONE MONTH.

pause.

I. WILL. KNOW.


He looked me RIGHT in the eye as he said all this. He was sealing his voodoo curse. I drove off in terror. I would NEVER be able to not show up, cuz this guy? will FIND ME. Better cancel my pizza and peanut butter delivery before the postman goes mysteriously "missing"

On other news, Tara, my new roommate who moved in last week, moved out. Oh yah, and she was an anorexic alcoholic and had a fake eye. Hence the apple cider vinegar. for the anorexia. not the eye. I'm not judging. I'm just saying.

3 comments:

dede said...

I am laughing so hard!!! I am going to have to save this as a favorite post for whenever I am eating a twinkie and need a pick me upper! oh - you need new friends!!

whore said...

whore i am laughing my ass off!! i saw your doppelganger at MY gym today. miss you!

Julia said...

Kristen,
I will play scrabulous with you any time
Julie P.