Can you hear ME? Can You Hear Me at all? Gotta Get the Operator Make a Telephone call...(YAZ:Upstairs at Erics, circa 9th grade)

Uh, I had to go to the EAR doctor yesterday. No, not the EAR,NOSE,THROAT doctor, that we've all heard about. Just ears. At what point, in med school, are you all "you know, I am SO bored trying to be a brain surgeon. But the EARS! ooohhhhh yah. That's the ticket!"

I mean, I know there are specialties, but ears seem so, so boring. EYES! Now THAT's Exciting! And then at what point was someone all "I'm totally bored with just ears...how about EAR, NOSE....AND THROAT!!!" (the medical trifecta, as it were) (yah! that's right. I WENT THERE!)

There was a "children's book" on the waiting room table. It was called "Chris Gets Ear Tubes." Wow. I can just see the author sitting at her desk, tapping pencil on her temple.

"what to write? what to write? hmmmm....Nancy gets a Puppy!? nah. BOR-ing! how about, hmmm, Billy gets a BASEBALL BAT! no. no. too predictable. Come ON BETTY! Get your shit together! I KNOW!!! CHRIS GETS GLASSES! mmmmm...almost...but....CHRIS GETS EARTUBES!!!!!! That's MONEY BETTY! PURE MONEY! When I got it I GOT IT! THIS BOOK...is gonna blow THIS BOOK outta the Amazon water!!"

Well, and hey...honestly, one could argue that 'Chris gets Eartubes' is at least more benign than say, this one..

But I think this one probably has a better plot line.

Those were just the things I was thinkin' 'bout as I sat in the Ear Doctor's office. I had already decided that I had a HORRID ear infection. That she was gonna be all "OH MY GOD! you. have. to. go. to. the. emergency. room." What she SAID was "There's no infection. Your ears are healthy. You have TMJ."

say what?

She said a bunch of other non-sense. Something about grinding my teeth at night, getting a mouth guard blah blah.

I didn't like this diagnosis ONE BIT. I had already decided what I had damnit! I wanted a drug to make it GO AWAY.

A mouth guard for the rest of my life? yah. THAT's HOT.

"Come on baby, let's take it into the bedroom...wink wink...let me slip into something, more comfortable...wink wink...do you like my negligee? *coy smile* Do you like my football player mouth? *said with sexy lateral lisp*

Anyway, my ear still hurts. I didn't even get Vicodin out of it. AND I can't get out of my workouts anymore either. bleh.

Happy saturday to ME!

blog-fecta!

There was just a story on the news, and I was reading blogs, so all I heard was..."...OCTO...." and I was like 'ENOUGH ALREADY!!! I AM SO SICK OF...." and then I looked up and saw that it was a REAL story about an Octopus. Annnnnd, it was about how the octopus had pushed a water tube out of it's tank and flooded the aquarium.

Yah. THAT is SO newsworthy. Seriously, That octopus OWES its 10 mins of fame to Octomom. Basically anything Octo is gonna make it in the news these days.

I fear that everyone is now going to think they're VERY clever to use octo as many times as they can. Like someone's cat is gonna have 8 kittens and they'll be all "hey yah! We have Octocat!" Or some GUY (yes, a guy) will be at a restaurant on a friday night with 7 of his friends and..."sir, how many are in your party?" "we're the OCTOparty!! HA! GET IT! OCTO!" OR some sized 2 woman will be pregnant and be al "I am so fat! you'd think I was having OCTUPLETS!" Or some woman after eating two cheeseburgers will go "UGH! Look at this -points to tummy- I'm like OCTOmom! I have an octo food baby! hahaha! Aren't I clever!"

Just wait. Juuust you wait.

And while we're on the subject of annoying phrases....here's one that is making the rounds here...Especially at my job, but it keeps popping up everywhere.

ME: HEY John! You taking my class today?
JOHN: *wiping sweat* wheew...yah! I am doing the trifecta today!
ME:huh? tri-what?
JOHN: THE TRIFECTA!! Spin class, your yoga class, then hard core abs class!

or this last text...
ME: hey! wat r u doing 2nite
GAY FRIEND: the usual fri nite tri
ME: huh?
GAY: fri nite tri-fecta!
ME:and that is.....
GAY:DInner, Drinks, Dancing!

AT NORDSTROM (some make-up line)
LADY: And THIS is the new Urban Trifecta! mini Eyeshadow/mascara/eye liner...all in one!

Pretty soon it's gonna be the "Holy Trifecta"


You know what? I'm just going to go ahead and start a new phrase. and I'm gonna use it ALL.THE.TIME. Like this...

"yah. see that guy? he's HOT. He's got abs, white teeth, full head of hair, huge biceps, can sing, dance, and act and is RICH! He's got the full Octofecta!

come on. I am tagging EIGHT people to use OCTOFECTA in their blogs today and see if anyone says anything! HAHAHAH!

Man, I should seriously be a game show host or something.

Things I am obsessed with right now...

This isn't like one of these memes goin' round. I don't really wanna know anything about YOU.

BUT I think with all the super fun people blogging lately, it would be convenient to say the least, to know everyone's obsessions RIGHT NOW. I mean like, in general, I am obsessed with, say Nutella. But not at the moment. SO I would not put that on my list. Get it? Got it? Good!

K, first up is my shoe closet. I just re-did it. I bought the shelves which are SO convenient, at Bed, Bath and Beyond for 20 bucks! PLUS the 20% off coupon! These shelves EXPAND to fit your space AND your growing shoe collection! Whenever I feel down or frustrated that I'm not married or have kids, I just go stand in my shoe closet. Then everything is sunshine and unicorns again! SO what if I don't have an Emi and a Lucia, or a Pink puffy Kate and Sophieor, or, an adorable child who writes cute notes

Sure! My shoes can't write notes....BUT does YOUR toddler go with a DVF dress? I think not.


AHHHH...and then there's my Nespresso Espresso Machine. sigh. It makes the PERFECT shot of espresso for my morning mochas (note the hershey bottle in the background) But really? look how CUTE it is! Plus it has these little espresso pods that you just drop in, push a button and in seriously like 10 seconds makes the perfect shot. NO mess! If it weren't for the whole coffee thing, I'd probably be Mormon. So to my Mormon friends out there? you may need to drop that in your church suggestion box.



OH, and the Williams Sonoma Hand Soap/Lotion combo in olive oil and coriander. LOVE the smell, LOVE the look, LOVE IT ALL!!! I have been washing my hands A LOT. I think this is how OCD hand washing starts. (I also have their distant cousins, the counter top spray and dish soap...pretty cleaning products rock!)


This is my favorite magazine of ALL TIME! I know I know, you'd THINK it would be US weekly, and for sure US weekly is #2, but The Sun is just incredible. Hard to explain, but if it's even a day late in arrival I fall into a panic. There are NO ads in it. I read EVERY.SINGLE.ARTICLE. My favorite part that I go to first thing is called "readers write" and they post a monthly topic, like say 'the dinner table' or 'rain' or 'walking home' and people write a paragraph or two and I cry almost every time at least once. They have a whole page of quotes and a monthly interview with someone totally fascinating. Like this month it's "Nicholas Carr: How the internet is rewiring our brain" and like one month it was Mother Theresa. And they are always thought provoking/controversial or just fascinating.


MY sharpie pens! I love sharpie anyway. That's all I'll use. BUT since I got this amazing glass container for my Bday FILLED with all new shiny sharpies (thanks dede and carin!!!) I'm even more obsessed. I will go over to grab a pen to just write a check to the housekeeper, and I'll sit there deciding which color to use. This takes many many seconds, and many instances of picking a color, and then putting it back for a DIFFERENT shade of the same color....to write a check.(note the giant nutella jar...on.my.desk.)



My bottle of 'Fresh' Lemon Sugar perfume. MMMMMMM. It's like lying around in lemon drops all.day.long.


My Target White Jersey King Sheet set! $19.99!!! ALL THE TIME! They're so soft! AND more importantly SO cheap. Which for me is VERY important as I have to buy a new set almost monthly (not kidding) because I insist on white, and Mick and Maggie insist on MUD.


Which brings me to my next obsession...TIDE STICKS!! I go through these like lip gloss. I spill EVERYTHING. Especially in my car attempting to drink coffee/talk on my phone/adjust the music with the dogs in my car all at once. This has SAVED my white shirts. YAY!


And my last obsession right now...

yah. that's right. Mick. I love both my dogs SO MUCH. But right now I am in love with everything he does, even being on the couch soaking wet this morning from rolling in mud at the dog park and then needing a bath. but look at that widdle face!!

K, Now I wanna hear from you. Not just in the comment sections...but BLOG IT. I want pics!

ERNIE WATCH: he called last night. said he wanted to "come over' and I was all "uh, NO, you can't just COME OVER. I require expensive dinners first, usually including steak!" And he said "okay. I can stop at Carl's Jr. On the way over. What do you want?"
I laughed like he was joking...but I'm not sure he was.

ASH WEDNESDAY!!!....has nothing whatsoever to do with this post.

I COULD make life easy for you by emailing you *his name* (see post below if confused) and website so you could laugh 'till you cry. But what fun would THAT? be! I am gonna bring out your inner Nancy Drew super sleuth.

CLUE #1 -Scene 1: INT: DELIVERY WARD... his mom just gave birth and they laid the wee baby in her arms and he opened his mouth wailing, and she was all "I want to call him _____ for some reason" and the Nurse was all "_____? why _____? is that a family name?" and she was all "no. no. he just. he just....LOOKS like an _____ for some reason. Reminds me of someone...." .......fade to the Hospital TV in the background....




CLUE #2 His last name is 'G' and if you add his firstname with his last name PLUS .comm voila! You HAVE a website!!

This is for those of you desperate for entertainment because People's Court is on re-runs this week

There you go!

Are you thinking "what's the point?" There is none really. I mean unless you wanna see for real the guy who sent THIS message to me on FB yesterday...

"Hey! I just saw your birthday party pics. Nice dress. Really shows off your HOOTS and Freckles."

Yes. yes. I can NOT wait for my second date with a man who says HOOTS.

I do this for YOU my friends.

I am handsome I am smart, I am a walking work of art...

I had a "date" of sorts last night. You don't really need the details of the hows and whys.

Suffice it to say I didn't know the guy per se, he was a friend of a friend of a friend from high school twice removed on her step-mother's side. I ONLY SAID YES because he's a comedian, a Three-Time-ED McMahon-STAR-SEARCH-WINNING- COMEDIAN thankyouverymuch! (he threw in that bio)(how could you EVER say no to a MAN, an adult man, who was on Star Search??)

He ended up in my living room for, a little hand holding (I've learned A LOT from the Duggars) and I went into the kitchen to get a bone for the dogs because this was a new happening for them. A guy. On their couchmy couch. Who was TOO CLOSE to me. Mick kept jumping on him. I kept laughing. He wasn't QUITE as amused.

Anyhoo, I get up and as I'm in the kitchen I hear this singing.

I froze. Looked around. WHERE? is that coming from. Is that...is that....my Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor cd and/or dvd that NO ONE (but my bestest friends who I have many years of blackmail on) knows about?

I peeked around the corner. Star Search guy was totally reclined on the couch, like LYING DOWN, with his eyes closed, SINGING showtunes. DONNY OSMOND SHOWTUNES. Not just singing, like regular singing. but SING-ING. Like it was his fifth callback and he'd better bring it.

hmmmmm. what to do, what to do.

ME: UH. WHAT. R.U.DOING????

HIM: *opening one eye* oh, just singing some musicals. you like musicals?

BEFORE I CAN EVEN RESPOND he starts belting out a song from rent. One of the cheesy love songs (that I love, but still) AND, he doesn't just sing a FEW lines like the rest of us might do he sings the entire song.

I am not one to ever be speechless. SO I started laughing. I couldn't help it. There was NO OTHER response to this!

HIM: Why are you laughing? You don't like musicals?

ME: uh, yah, I mean, I LOVE musicals. But, but, (laugh laugh)....

HIM: What's your favorite?

ME: uhhh (I'm a total showtunes whore, and again, this is information given on a need to know basis, IF EVER.)

HIM: (again, before I can answer) I LOVE them. May as well tell you that now. I know every single lyric to RENT, WICKED-OH MY GOD I LOVE WIICKED!!, LES MIS, JOSEPH and the AMAZING TECHNICOLOR DREAMCOAT and EVITA. "Oh I know you can't buy love and I know you can't rent it.....
"

HIM: (in falsetto) "bring him home, oh bring him home, lord on high, bring him home...."

ME: (when he's done. finally) Hey yah. you DO know all the words. I thought I was a showtune whore who knew all the words, but uh, you got ME beat. And uh, I'm a girl...sooo...U gay or what?

HIM: NO Man. I just F*ckin' LOVE musicals, you know? LOVE. I mean when I fist saw Wicked, it's like I had to see it again and again man. I saw it like every WEEK while it was here. (he was getting caught up in the emotion of it by this point, reliving his 'wicked' memories)

ME: huh. *arm stretch, yaaawwwnnnn. Well, I have an early client, sooooooo...

He got up and pulled me in for THE KISS. CLEARLY he hasn't seen the Duggar Wedding Episode. 'Else he'd know I was saving my first kiss for MY HUSBAND. And at that point I realized I maybe shouldn't have stopped the singing. He gave a new meaning to "suck face". I think he was frenching my chin/jaw line. THANK GOD my dogs FINALLY made themselves useful by jumping on him in that moment. Good to know they have my back once in a while. Sure, they just wanted to play, but in SOME way, I'd like to believe they read my s.o.s. body signals.

He suctioned himself off and looked into my eyes and said "you have the smallest mouth"

HAHAHAHHAHHAHAH. Dude. No. YOU have a MUPPET mouth! What I said was..."welll, in comparison, yes"

You know? I always thought I would LOVE a (straight) guy who was a showtune dork like me, who understood Donny Osmond's depth and expertise, the intricate workings of RENT and the emotional delicacies in LES MIS. Instead I felt robbed. I AM THE ONE WHO KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO JOSEPH NOT YOU.

Next thing you know he'll be telling me
the history of Hostess.

Hmmm, it's just not gonna work.

I would IMDB link you to him, and his website, cuz it's Unintentionally HILARIOUS, but he's totally the type to google himself all day and I just KNOW he'd find this.

Oh, and we're going out again. oh yes. He's my new scientific research subject.

I just have to figure out how to divert the kissing. **tapping fingers on keyboard** GOT IT! I'll just keep singing showtunes too...

Imagined scene....He says "hey there baby, papa needs a little TLC, let me put my big giant muppet sized mouth all over you..."and right as he leans in...I go "CLOSE every door to me, Keep those I love from me, children of Israel are never ALONE!...."

Snuggie Schmuggie! I'm gettin' this SCARF to keep ME warm!

It goes REALLY well with my church outfits

Why I want to give birth to a 5 yr old

I randomly ran into the cutest 5 yr old girl on my block. I live in a Hasidic Jewish neighborhood and they HATE dogs. The kids usually run screaming when they see me by myself, let alone with my two hounds of hell. I saw her, and started to walk away so I wouldn't scare her...

HER: HI! I SURE LIKE YOUR DOGS! (yelling)

ME: OH! Well, do you want to pet them?

HER: SURE!

(Mick is beside himself that a child is TALKING to me, let alone looking like she might want to see him. He goes right up to her)

HER: (giggling) HE sure does like ME! Does he like YOU?

ME: UHHH, YAH. Mostly. when I give him treats

HER: HE LICKED ME!!

ME: Is that Okay?

HER: YAH! Of course. I like when he dogs lick me. Just not on my face. Cuz I would hate for a dog to see my cry.

ME: hmm. okay. What are you, like 5?

HER:YAH! How old is he?

ME: 1 and a half

HER: oh. Where do you live?

ME: I live right across the street.

HER: (sad) oh. I'm not allowed to cross the street. I'm only in kindergarten. Kindergartners aren't allowed to cross the street. (pause. thinking) Maybe when I'm 6!

ME: sure! whenever you want! Do you have brothers and sisters?

HER: YAH! I have 3 sisters. Plus also me. I'm a sister. Plus a bunch of brothers but i don't know how many brothers I have. Just a lot.

ME: SO do you have 2 more sisters? or 3 more sisters?

HER: (thinking, counting on her fingers) I DON'T KNOW! I'm only 5! But one of my sisters is a baby. She's 1. Not 1, like your dog. But a different kind of 1.

ME: you mean she's not 1 and a half

HER: yah. she's just the regular 1.

(her sister comes out and says..."mom says you need to come inside now!")

HER: (petting mick, looks up at her sister) mmmm. mmmmmm, no.

ME: well, the dogs have to go eat lunch now anyway, but we'll see you again! It was nice meeting you!

She smiles and skips off. Then turns around and waves "BYYYYYYY! I SURE LOVE YOUR DOGS!"

Something Sugary for Your Friday

I watched this a few times. It didn't make me go "awwwwwwww" like I did with the dog/elephant video. (which made me cry) I was just fascinated that a DOG would let a CAT hang out on its back like that. I watched the video, looked at Mick, watched the video, looked at Maggie. If I EVER attempted to put a cat on their backs, Maggie would kill it. Mick would run under the bed and never come out.

But the real point here is that I wouldn't even be able to GET near them with a cat.

And a rat?? Mick would need to be on heavy meds for the rest of his life.

It was like watching cirque du soleil . Fascinating yet incomprehensible.

Annnnnnndddddd....MORNING NEWS UPDATE!!

THE ECONOMY HITS THE OSCARS
No gift bags this year! If I was a star I'd be kinda pissed. Those "gift bags" used to have like, rolexes and chanel sunglasses and other "party favors" like that. Don't you think they shouldn't be so EXTREME? I mean, at least give them a gift bag with some milk duds, smarties, and a swatch watch? SOMEthing. Geez. Way to be dramatic about the economy!

WOMAN SHOT IN HER HEAD...
But saved from her hair weave.UNBEWEAVEABLE!

"officers found the slug entangled in her weave" She says she does have a headache though. Well, I'll SAY! How much you wanna bet this ends up on a Law & Order episode? And people say the news is all depressing!

LIES LIES LIES, YAAA-AAHHH

Mon Dieu!

I am at my coffee place outside on the patio innocently sipping my iced latte. There's a table of people behind me, and one of the women is LOUDLY belting out a Mariah Carey song. It is SO awful and she just finished and all her friends applauded and one guy was like "That was beautiful, really...you should get a career out of that!"

WHO does that? SINGS out loud at a coffee place?

See? THIS is how people audition for Idol and think they can sing. BECAUSE THEIR FRIENDS LIE TO THEM!

I can't even get a break at my coffee place.

sigh.

Thursday Morning News Flash

I am SO sick of hearing about bailouts. For real. I mean, I WANNA BE BAILED OUT! When are they gonna bail out my ebay bill? huh? HUH? Bankers, car dealers, homeowners! When do they start bailing out pet owners?? Seriously! A bag of dog food is $50! I wanna bailout! STAT!

I'm obviously watching the morning news, which I gotta say gets better every day. Is it the bad economy? do people just start getting crazier and crazier as the $$$ run out?

Aside from bailouts, here's what I've heard in FIVE minutes.

1. CHIMP goes "bananas" on woman..."FURIOUS GEORGE"
A woman, who raised a chimp as her own child, is sobbing on TV b/c her chimp went off and started attacking her friend, allegedly b/c she gave the chimp Xanax. Here's what she's choking out in between sobs..."I..I..shopped for him, I...I...I...cooked his food...I clothed him...I can't believe this happened..." I feel her pain. Hope Mick never attacks my friends. Especially since I need to put him on Ridalin.

2. Octomom May Be Homeless!
The name alone makes me giggle each time. Makes me think I better not just have 2 kids. Then I'd be called a bi-mom. HAHAHHAHAH. Her house is supposedly going into foreclosure. Hmmph. She'll probably get bailed out.

3.Man Dies After Shoplifting
Man falls over dead after stealing from CVS. Like, literally outside the store. Huh. Wonder what he took?

4. A bank robbery suspect was caught..
...and I quote " They are calling him the salt and pepper robber because of his grey hair." Talk about adding insult to injury! The guy gets busted AND made fun of for being old.

5. A car crashes into clinic!
An "urgent care" clinic. I know it's not funny. And yet...

and then at the VERY end, the last headline is...

...wait for it....


...wait for it....

6. OBAMA IN CANADA!
who cares? why is he in Canada? We CLEARLY need him HERE.

We are in the worst economic time of our lives and these are the headlines.

Also...On OTHER news...I am going to speak my shame this morning.

DEEP SHAME.

I..I...I...CRIED during Real Housewives of Orange County. Like, CRIED. I won't say WHY, cuz don't wanna ruin it for everyone! (I know you all watch it. And if you don't I know you WANT to!)

AND...

I Tivo'd idol last night and fast forwarded through most all of it JUST to the end because I couldn't WAIT to see Tatiana's face when she lost. That was my sole purpose. I already knew that what's his face with the glasses won, but I couldn't wait to see HER lose!

Yah, I should probably have MY SOUL bailed out.

What ELSE is there to do on a rainy tuesday?.......

.....but make a homemade grainy porno movie?

The Gospel According to ME

And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, “You may surely eat of every tree of the garden, but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die.”

Yyyyyahhhhh. I DON'T THINK it's a coincidence that THIS? is Mac's logo. Nope. Not.at.all.

You see? APPLE STORE = forbidden fruit= verily MUST NOT partake....and yet....we are sucked in by this serpent, if you will.

Evil, Evil mac serpent.

Notice that BITE out of the apple? yep. We were warned back in the day. We didn't listen.

The i in all the iphone and imacs and ipods? let's take a historical look at the lower case letter i

Damien, Evil, satanic, forbidden fruit, cain, Hitler, Nixon, wicked, Lucifer, deceive, credit card bills, spiders diets...and so on.

THERE ARE NO COINCIDENCES!


Verily, this is what came to pass...

ME: Hi. I lost my iphone and also someone stole it. I need to get a new one!

LUCIFER: Wellllll, you know you we don't replace it. You know have to pay the FULL price right?

ME: Yes Yes, I know. No warranty. No insurance. By 'full price' do you mean the $199 I paid in the first place?

SATAN: no. you have to pay $399. The full price.

ME: but. but. I already have AT&T, I'm a LOYAL customer ALREADY.

DAMIEN: yah, but still, since you already had a phone now you have to pay full price.

ME: (in my mind "walk away, just walk away,. get a blackberry...but for the love of GOD don't take the bite!" ) fine. whatever. I'll just pay full price. I have no other choice.

SERPENT: Okayyyeeee. Let's seee...oh says here you're at your quota. You can only have 2 iphones in an 18 month period. Annnnnd you've had two! So, sorry, you can't buy an iphone. You'll have to get a different phone. (a pause) from an AT&T store. not here.

ME: (flames coming out of head) WHAT?!?!??!?!??!?!

BEELZEBUB: Yup. can't buy one. until July '09.

ME: WHAT?!?!??!?!?!?

DEVIL: Well, hey, don't tell anyone but I'll just sell it to you....for full price of course.

ME: (actually HAPPY and RELIEVED)(Total mind control they have here)(quickly threw credit card at him before he changed his mind) THANKS! Oh my gosh THANK YOU! (for selling me my same phone for twice the price)

And as I was walking out, GOD came around the corner....

And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden grove in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife stupid woman hid herself from the presence of the Lord God among the trees mannequins of the garden grove. But the Lord God called to the lady and said to her, “Where are you?” And she said, “I heard the sound of you in the grove, and I was afraid, because I was naked holding a new iphone and I hid myself.” He said," Have you eaten of the apple of which I commanded you not to eat?” The man I said, “The woman Mac employees whom you gave to be with me, they gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate bought” Then the Lord God said to the woman, “What is this that you have done?” The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I atebought it.”

Didn't have to change too many words here.

Coincidence? Look closely my friends.

LOOK CLOSELY

Diary of a Single Girl's Valentine's Day

THE END

Jesus Loves the little truckers....

.....all the truckers of the World
Red and Yellow Black and white
All are precious in his sight
Jesus loves the little truckers of the world!

On my drive to the desert last friday I happened to see this truck ahead of me. So, as ANYONE would do on the freeway, I leaned out the window while driving, doing 70mph, with my cell phone attempting to take these pictures. I risked my life for you! But more importantly I risked my iphone for you. What if I had, gulp, dropped it? I think the results were worth it. You know those reporters on the war front? I'm like that.



Now, I don't know if it's the 'trucker vibe' in general, but that quote from Jesus seems almost threatening. "I'll be back (schwarteneger anyone?) to GET YOU" eeek!

I really really tried to get a good look at the driver. I couldn't even see him. That guy was driving FAST. Like, speeding. I don't think jesus would approve of that.

Do you think that at the Flying J's truck stop that the other truckers snicker at him? You think he gets beat up a lot? Does this guy CHOOSE this truck? Or did he just get a job as a trucker and they handed him the keys, and he walks over and is all "oh MAN!"

Maybe my favorite thing is the 'dove' mud flaps. Such a refreshing sight from the usual....



(hmmmm, lesbian trucker??)



Nice. Classy.

Turns OUT there is an entire world of Christian truckers out there.

(oh how I wish I'd seen THIS truck!)


And there are actual trucker ministries



I mean, I suppose, why not?

And I wonder how well this is received at the drive-in starbucks on the Vegas route?


I'm not judging here, I mean, Truckers need their faith too. But still, I wanna see them at the Flying J's. Just to see. Do you think this whole thing will catch on? And then we'll have catholic Truckers, and Mormon truckers and Baptist truckers who get in fights at the Flying J's?

hmmmm. I wonder......

Jesus Loves me this I know
For the truckers tell me so.
Little truckers to Him belong.
They are wheelin' but He is strong.

...........

Aaaaaa-mazing Grace, How sweet the sound
That Saved a speeder like meeeeee.
I once was lost (on route 66) But now I'm found.
Was drivin', but now I seeeeeee.

I know, I know...

Listen, i know it's been a while and that that video didn't cut it for 4 days (though I have watched it many many times)

I just have not had A/the energy to post and B/My life can't be fascinating & riveting 24/7

Now I finally have a moment to myself at my coffee place. Oddly, this is an italian espresso caffe, but i swear EVERYONE here speaks french. Note to self:bring xavier the french roommate to be around his people.

I taught my desert yoga retreat this last weekend and I slept for 3 days after. AND then I had to catch up on target binges and pedicures and what-not. ADD to that my newfound obsession/addiction to CAKEWRECKS.BLOGSPOT.COM. Seriously, if you haven't been there yet...GO. leave this blog RIGHT NOW and go. And you will be mesmerized for DAYS.

Next week will be even worse cuz The real housewives of NY will start. PLUS Lost is still around. PLUS the Top Chef final four. Plus Idol!

It's EXHAUSTING, my life.

(mmmm...this espresso is SO GOOD)

I'm about to teach a class, so maybe something interesting will happen. Tuesday was kinda boring. No Taye, No Drew. No fabio working out with his flowy hair. (Blogger is saying flowy isn't a word, but it SO is!) I didn't even run into any freaks at Target. I wonder if all the weirdos are home, broke, opting for TV dinners and TV rather than shopping and stuff. (hmph. Blogger is ALSO saying that weirdos isn't a word. I seriously think they need to revamp their spell check)(never mind...I just spelled it wrong...there's an E at the end. huh. go figure.

Bored yet?

yyyahhhhhh.

A little loving clip for Valentine's....

I Digg Yoga!

Guess who came to my class tonight? Just guess!

Go on, guess.

TAYE DIGGS! (for real ANNIE)


Yah, and don't think for even one minute that I didn't make it a Very Special Edition Yoga Class: Stretching Your Glutes! if you know what I mean

I put them in lots of poses, like this....
                                              I'm the teacher there on "top" if you will

and, ummmm, this....


and just a few of these...


and this...I stood behind, and uh, 'held' his 'hips'...


And maybe one or two of these....you know, for the stretch.


Jus' doin' my job guys. jus' doin' my job....cuz SOMEone's gotta do it!

This Is the BEST Whoreish Trampy Klepto blog EVER!

Turns out Xavier the french roommate is an "actor." Though not an IMDB actor. Which means he was probably once a mime in a French Traveling Theatre Troupe. He says they don't have TiVo in France!! WHAT? Why? What kind of third world country has France become? I was thinking of moving there too. But no Tivo? They probably don't even have' tar-shay.' So that's not gonna work for me. Though they DO have Crepe carts on every corner. Hmmmmm. Dilemna.

I wonder if they do stuff like WTF and OMG. But WHAT is "quoi" and THE is "le." soooo, maybe they go "QLF?!" And God is "Dieu" and Oh My is "Zut Alors!" So maybe it would be ZAD! I'll have to find these things out. I'll let you know in case you find yourself in paris and you need to send a text.


Did u know that you can read my blog in spanish?? AND FRENCH!! And tons of other languages?? SO does this mean I can be all "My blog is translated internationally?" Yah. I think it does. And the Fabio story read way better in french. WAY more romance novel-y.

Now that I know this I will most likely spend the greater part of the day blogging swear words and words like 'whore' and 'tramp' and 'stalker' and ;cleptomaniac' and stuff to see how they translate into say, swedish. And if I know my readers...so will you!

UPDATE: There is no translation for "stalker" in spanish...but there is in french....hmmmmm, I always KNEW the french were my peeps! Voila!

The Passion in the Parking lot, Chapter one

Last Night after teaching an actual fun class sans any crazies (except for the guy who wore his boxer shorts. But at least they didn't show anything)(and he was kinda cute an clueless) I was coming out of the parking structure and so was a silver mercedes and we both came to a point where one of us needed to yield. So OF COURSE, being the considerate person that I am, I paused for this driver to go, but he wasn't sure what I was doing so I looked up to mouth "I am gracious, go ahead"

Lo and behold it was Fabio in his super slick silver lady machine. And he smiled and waved me to go. And I Waved back "No Fabio, YOU go" and then Fabio was all "no fair maiden, YOU go" in hand gesture, and I was all "No, it's okay Fabio, like YOU go" and Fabio was all "No seriously, you will be swept away with my passionate wave. i'm fabio and I must let you go, damsel, go" (still in hand gestures)

SO I finally went and waved "THANKS fabio" and Fabio all waved "No, dear sweet voluptuos lady, I am Fabio, and I am nothing if not a courteous gentleman with HOT Flowing highlighted hair"

Then we were both on our merry way.

I had an entire hand conversation with Fabio. Which I find hilarious. HE still has THAT HAIR, and he's what? like 55? I think that if we had lived in Romance novel time, this was Fabio's way of picking me up and carrying me over the parking lever. He probably woulda paid my 50 cent parking fee too.

Because, that's just Fabio.

Vive La France!

While waiting painstakingly for Gossip Girl/The bachelor/The City to start last night my adorable new french roommate came home from a day of walking around (walking! too cute) and shopping. (if he weren't 23 I'd have a crush)

He came home loaded with Nordstrom bags, Apple Store, Barney's,etc. (like I said, LOVE HIM) And then he comes in and is all...

"Kristeeen....I have some present pour you." And then he hands me a lotion/manicure kit from this cart in the Grove. SEACRET The cart that ATTACKS you with the lotion bottle every.single.time. you walk by it. So you have to like walk on the OTHER side of the outdoor shopping mall street. And even as you're darting away they're chasing you..."It's free sample. Who doesn't need lotion from minerals from the dead sea? Just try it!!!!!" And you think "who BUYS this stuff? Someone must or else they wouldn't still be here. "

Well, now you know. I mean how CUTE is that?

Having a 23 yr old french kid living with me is like having an entire new species in the house. Oh, and also? He came home with the most adorable blonde girl who is also French.

He's been here 4 days. Found The grove, Nordstrom and A cute girl.

Je suis tres lucky!

Oh and on other news, Denny's is giving away a free grand slam breakfast This morning. I get that that's exciting and all. HOWEVER, The line is down THE BLOCK and People are all "I have been in line since 5 AM!!"

Seriously! the grand slam is what? $2.99? $3.99? Shameful, people.

I gotta go give myself a mani now with my new Dead Sea minerals.

Au revoir!

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

BEST OF TIMES

Do you know, that even in our crashing economy where the Carl's Jr. SIX DOLLAR BURGER is actually $6, there are still little rays of cheap and/or free sunshine!? YES! THERE IS! And who better than moi to let you know about this stuff? That's right...NO ONE is better than moi! ***

Can u believe, that available online...literally right at your fingertips..are FREE origami how-to videos? Yah! You read that right! Learn how to do the cutest origami ever! ALL BY YOURSELF!
These could be YOURS soon...

MY FAVORITE...The hamster!


Seriously...Could you REALLY resist making this super cute elephant!?!?


UGH! How adorable is this bunny in his orange little suit!? You could probably make this by this afternoon!


And, you know, if you always wanted a grand piano? Well, NOW you can!! sorta.


They even have categories for "useful origami" which include coasters, toothpick holders (who doesn't need THAT?) and My MOST favorite useful item, the DOG BOX. I don't know WHAT you'd use it for? Are those eggs in there? Probably candy!


There really are too many to list. You could spend ALL day just looking at the cute designs. AND they are rated with stars as far as difficulty level. AND you can either watch an animated video or follow the diagram! Seriously...too easy. Just one more cuz I can't resist....The Polar/Brown bear buddies....

Seriously, if you aren't already on their website after this pic then you have a cold black little heart.


Wanna make SURE you sound super smarty pants and Know-it-all at your next party/dinner with the hubby? Ever found yourself minutes into a conversation with the hottest, smartest person you’ve ever met, (like, me) and she asks your opinion on the foreign policies of some two-bit senator from a fly-over state and you break out into a sweat and panic and start hammering out words like "unity" and "change?" NO MORE! Now you can just whip out your cell and send a text!
Try out CHACHA! It's FREE and gives you a personal answer to ANY question you type in...in seconds! Even knock-knock jokes! And if you're a yoga teacher like me, and you want to quote great spiritual leaders on the fly, put your students in a closed-eye meditation and sneak over and type in "dalai lama quote" That's just an example. I WOULD never do that! I'm just saying for those, less well versed than MOI!***

And then, a lot of you have been getting these from moi*** lately. Because they're SO funny it makes up for the fact that you were too lazy/forgot to send a card for whatever special occasion. And I HATE e-cards...but these are great. SOME of them have naughty words, but just ignore those...



And then, when you save all that money on stamps and B-day cards...you can get YOURSELF some of this.


These aren't thrifty, per se, but WORTH it! I mean, a picture says a thousand calories words!

You harboring some amazing talent but alas, it's gone unrecognized? (read:unemployed) (and under appreciated) Well, now you could at least trade your rice krispy making skills for say, a massage? win win! I haven't tried this site but it looks like it could be useful. If only I could trade some yoga expertise for a pair of Christian Louboutins? anyone? anyone?

If you're thinking I get PAID for this FREE advertising then you're WRONG! I wish! But if YOU want to pay me for these priceless resources in these trying times, you can "donate" cash to my paypal acct. Or just consider it my birthday present to you charitable contribution to the blog world! Because I? am NOT for sale!*

*unless you wanna pay me for stuff

***I have a new french roommate. I will be using my fancy knowledge of the french language from now on. yah. I don't just teach yoga. I am tres fancy.

au revoir! and you're welcome!