How to Train your Teen Tuesday

I had an amazing weekend. There were beaches and biker bars and Kardashians involved. But Today! Today I made Teen Slave go to SPIN CLASS!!!!

MWAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAH!!!

AND.

It was her first spin class EVER. You don't even know my joy. I practically rolled on the floor giggling when she said "what IS spinning anyway? Is it just like a name for riding a bike? Like at the gym?"

MWAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAH!!

She can't walk right now. She's in bed. Oh sweet sweet revenge. For all the times I have found myself humming one of her delightful ditties "I got a P*ssy so fine like yo ass. I got a p*ssy so smooth like a glass..."

It was an advanced spin class.

MWAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!

Does Bose even MAKE a noise canceling product for this?

This is my Teen money suck slave. Back when she was the most adorable thing EVER.


RIght now she's passed out reeking of a vodka/tequila/rum combo from last night. Nice. I tried to count how many times I said last night..."When I was your age....."

It's just tragedy all around. Teens SUCK. Their mere existence reminds you how very old you are! And then THEIR MOUTHS remind you also. Here are some choice tidbits...

HER: You have to talk to my sister about the way she dresses! I mean she wears this crazy OLD LADY shit, and I'm all 'YOU'RE TWENTY, Not FOR-- {PAUSE} EIGHTY!


HER: My friends got this pit bull and named it BECKY! HAHAHAHH! I was dying laughing.

ME: WHY? What's wrong with Becky?

HER: UH....because a 'Becky' is a BLOWJOB!

SINCE WHEN?!?!?!??


HER: I don't even think you can call it sex if you don't even bust a nut.

ME:WHAT???????

HER: {she repeats louder b/c she thinks I didn't hear her b/c I am old} BUST A NUT.

ME: WHAT?!?!?!??!?

HER: ORGASM! Stupid!


OH! To hear these things out of this adorable mouth. I think I seriously need to buy some earplugs to survive this endeavor in my life. THANK GOD Mick can't talk.

a whole gleek of posts all in one.

I don't even know where to begin.

First let's start with my new teenage slave...who is less slave and more money suck machine. MAN! are teens expensive!!! I threw her a Welcome to LA brunch sunday. I let her have a mimosa. A. Single. And I don't drink. And everyone else had coffee, etc.

There was like a 3/4 bottle of champagne left.

I wake up this morning, go to teach, come back (10am) and the bottle is empty on the sink. I just figure she dumped it out.

no.

she drank it.

at 9 am.

In the morning.

ALL OF IT. BY HERSELF.

I made it clear that even hard core alcoholics don't even drink bottles of champagne at 9am!!

Oh well. Alanon here I come!

BUT THE REAL NEWS?!?!?

THE REAL REAL NEWS?!!?





This show was SOLD OUT. And because I am the luckiest person in the world a fellow blogger called me up and invited me to go! And this blogger approved of me being invited too. I think they took huge amounts of pity on me and my gay first date. And I mean, rightly so! I deserved a night of showtunes of PURE ROCK CONCERT!

I would go into detail about the awesomeness and all. And how I may or may not have swooned when this guy sang directly to ME. (I mean SWEET JESUS!)

But then I would sound like I was bragging. DId I mention it was sold out? NATIONWIDE? But that I WENT?

If you don't watch hot teen guys Glee....DO.

I'm finally a Mormon Mommy Blogger! Well, not really Mormon. And not really mommy. But close enough!

My mormon friends, well and even my non-mormon friend ALWAYS accuse me of being a Mormon poser wanna-be. Why? Because I live for Friday night game night, Jello molds, Wal-Mart, and anything with marshmallows. Also I want tons of kids. It's just that whole no-coffee thingie is a deal breaker. Oh, and that no-gay-marriage thingie. I heart my homos and double iced mochas.

As for the mommy part? I just inherited a 19 yr old. it's been less that 48 hours and I have heard myself say things that I thought I WOULD NEVER SAY. Like...

1/ "I can't believe what you kids are listening to these days!"

Seriously cringe worthy. I would repeat here. But I can't even type some of those words. Lets just say that would make my grandma, who is already dead, fall over dead AGAIN.

2/"Ugh! Turn that God-awful music DOWN. Better yet, OFF!"

3/" When YOU drive you can listen to whatever you want, but when I DRIVE, we listen to what I WANT. (to which she ignored me and shoved in her dirty rap CD anyway)

Clearly, I am but a shotgun away from sitting on my porch shaking my fist in the air screaming "you crazy kids get off my lawn before I MAKE you!!"


And here I thought I was all young and hip. She ALSO made fun of my Zac Efron shoulder bag. I may un-adopt her soon.

But you just KNOW I love playing bossy mom. I TOLD YOU awhile ago I needed some kids to do chores for me. So I got one. But so far I am doing DOUBLE chores. huh. Guess that theory was shot down to hell. I mean outer darkness. Gotta keep up that Mormon front.

A brush with the grim reaper, in the Keebler aisle.

I had a near death experience....at TARGET!

A woman ran around with a butcher knife and a carving knife and randomly stabbed people!!

I guess she was as upset as I was that they were out of Liberty of London large tumblers too. I totally get it. I couldn't help but wonder if she grabbed the knives at Target or brought her own. Then I thought OH MAN! I hope this doesn't mean Target and all other stores will start storing knives behind the counter along with all the cough syrups and allergy meds. SO ANNOYING! Why does one person have to ruin it for the rest of us?!?!

WELL. I was ON MY WAY to that very target on monday. AND I was delayed because I was being lazy. Then it was all crowded and cops were everywhere so I just went to another target figuring they were filming a cop show or sumthin'.

I COULD HAVE BEEN STABBED!!! Whew! Laziness saved my life!!

That's what happens when you live on the mean streets of West Hollywood! Angry lesbians run amok!

My first date. (seriously)

For those of you who are still on the fence whether or not people "choose" to be gay....



....will you JUST take a look at my very first ever date?? I think I was like 13. And TRAY (maybe guys do TURN gay when given a gay name) was like 15. My only concern for that evening was that I was too young for him. Which MUST be why I chose to dress like a church librarian. So he'd think I was "older."

My dad kept alluding to the fact he was gay...to which I screamed "JUST BECAUSE HE'S AN ACTOR DOESN'T MEAN HE'S GAY!!!!!!!"

He never called again. I was crushed. If only someone could have told me that was the first of MANY a night out as a fag hag.

I have been SWAMPED with home renovations. And when I say "renovations", I don't mean like how you all rip out your kitchens and tile your own bathrooms and such. I mean paying my housekeeper's hubby to paint my walls AND totally organizing every single cupboard and shelf in my ENTIRE place. And get this....EVEN THE GARAGE!!

Every single bill now has a file folder.

Every drawer is no longer scary.

The light bulbs have a home.

The Glad containers all have COORDINATING LIDS!

I only have two more rooms that need paint but I can't decide on the color yet. Are you riveted? I think I could work this whole post into a novella.

Get ready. It's a long one...

Living room. The yellow is NOT this crazy neon. I hope.



DIning area




Entryway.


MY NEW OFFICE!! This is now my favorite room in my house.






You don't even KNOW how scary this closet was. The housekeeper used to duck in order to get to the vacuum.


My Bedroom. I promise this is the first day THIS YEAR my bed has been made. So don't think I'm all that fancy.



WOuld you check out the mad or-GAN-I-zational skillz!!




Guest bedroom. Cat from Pottery Barn


Ahhhh. A peaceful laundry room!


Mick was exhausted with it all.

There was an old lady who lived in a shoe/sandal combo.

They're Baaaaa-aaaaaack! With a vengeance!

The ever popular BANDAL! We thought they went away last season?? OHS NOS!



For the, uh, cowgirl? in us all.


oooh. For the fancy nights out.


The MOC Marten!


uhhhhh.


Time to tighten those boot strap...er, ankle straps!


Wearing these with socks is ALMOST as pretty as wearing Birkenstocks and socks. ALMOST.


You'd THINK they'd be as cheap as they look? yah. Not so much.

I don't think I've ever, ever, EVER been so UNtempted to buy shoes in my entire life.



And they don't call them "bandals" (my original term!) They call them "hybrids."

Oh, and hey, you biker bitches out there? Don't worry! We have some for YOU TOO!



I simply canNOT wait for UGGS to jump on the bandal wagon!!

It's Tuesday. yep. Tuesday.

QUOTE OF THE DAY
"Gross. People who vajazzle should have their vaginas taken away, They can have them back when they are ready."
-gabe delahay

I have been on a mad organizational tour. Remember when you were young and you had some stupid school project due, and then you procrastinated and then your mom was all "you know, it will be worse in real life!" and you rolled your eyes and were all "WHAT. EVER. HEATHER." That's what I was thinking about all weekend as I was covered with dust from digging stuff out from under my office desk. (and when I say "office" i mean making a super cute desk with all kinds of matching adorable officey decor and I get to walk by it and be all "OH! soooo cute!!" And that's the extent of my "office." I mean, sometimes I sit in my really cute "office" chair and look for a stamp or something, or stare at my pretty sharpie collection. But other than that it just looks DAMN good!

But so I spent all weekend organizing. And the ONLY reason I did that was to put to use all of the Liberty muck I bought at target that I justified by saying to myself "I will totally organize my office (and maybe even do my taxes on time!) if I buy all this cute officey looking stuff...ooh! A floral piggy bank! Perfect bookends!"

I'm gonna post pics very soon. So I am SURE you will be checking back every hour on the hour for THAT excitement.

Mid Life Crisis?

Who, Moi?




So. I'm Blonde again. And even though my stylist INSISTS on giving me "The Rachel" cut of 1994, I am in LOVE with my new goldi-locks.

I mean, at least until I have to wash it and the clock strikes midnight and it turns into this



Which it will. But for now, I LOVE being able to wear pastels again. And.. and.. frosted lipstick. And everything else age inappropriate. I think I'll go to the mall later and see what's new at Wet Seal.

I'll be sending a pic of my red convertible next week.

It's like a post, only without all the word bits

I've been falling down the Target rabbit hole as of late. Is going to 4 targets in one day in search of PLASTIC CUPS a sign of mental illness?

No matter. I've also been obsessively playing 'words with friends' (aka scrabble) on iphone (didn't take too much for them to come up with THAT snappy name, huh?) I mean, I will totally stop soon. I'm SURE I will. (in case you're interested my handle is 'peeweerocks')(you know, I'll quit tomorrow.)(or maybe monday! yah. I'll stop Target and "scrabble" on monday!) (thats PEEWEEROCKS)

Now, you just make SURE to watch this. Even if you already have. Because it almost made me happier than my trunk full o' Liberty crap and coming up with the word 'hafted' for 48 points. Never heard a that word before, but I hafted to tell you about it.

(even if you're all "I'm not in the mood to watch this" Just DO. At the VERY least get to minute 1-1:20 and THEN if you are STILL not in the mood skip to 3:59. You're welcome. (peeweerocks @ words with friends)

Proverbial Easter Basket

I woke up this Easter morning, and missing the whole Easter Egg Hunt of Easters Yore (Yore! yes, I'm 80) I went around my house and "hunted" for all the new things I'm obsessed/in love with right now. SO, consider me the Easter Bunny and here is your "basket"

1. I love these three products so much that when I shave my legs, I do one leg with the Pomegranate and the other with the Cucumber/Melon. I know. I'm a female nerd, and these are my D&D characters. That Razor is crazy smoothe (I forget the brand) and the shaving creams are like lotion and your legs are crazy soft after. I got them all at Target. of course.


2. This Liberty of London for Target candle (SOMEone had a target binge this week) (or two) Not only are they pretty but the best part...$10!!!! Seriously I haven't liked a candle under 30 bucks in forever! Which means buying 3 is totally acceptable!


3.HELLO KITTY KEY COVERS!!!!!!!!! Nothing more needs to be said.


4. Magazine holder thingies from Container Store. YAY CONTAINER STORE!


5. Also up from the Container Store, the PURSEKET!! Seriously, I don't know how I lived without this. I always have big purses and there are just never enough pockets. WELL, This bad boy carries everything so I don't have to root around for stuff anymore AND it rolls up to fit you bag!



6. My coffee Grinder and Nespresso Espresso Machine. The Grinder for function, the Nespress for HOW CUTE IS IT!!?!? These actually aren't new, but this morning I was like "I LOVE YOU"


7. This ADORABLE art work my really great blogger friend got me for Christmas. It makes me SO happy when I see it. I don't know the artist but I'm sure she will post in the comments. Just goes to show how blogging can be fun AND profitable! We only met in person like 2 yrs ago and how well does she know me!


8. I WAS totally over the whole Sigg craze. But then I saw this one with the bumble bees and I couldn't resist. Unfortunately I got it and the-store-who-shall-not-be-named. Oh well. Still love it!


9. Mick's rolling his eyes at me. He does it all the time. He's over life with me. And it cracks me up lately. He's for sale at the right price not for sale.


10. I forgot to take a pic of these, but LOVE them. More for the adorable packaging. But still. LOVE. This LOOKS like a regular sized package, but it's like MINI....fits in your hand. If dryer sheets can be adorable, well then, these are it.


So, HAPPY EASTER!!