old people gone wild

My dad came to visit me for 2 nights.

wait.

that's not entirely true. He needed a FREE place to stay ON HIS WAY elsewhere. It's fascinating to see. I haven't been under the same roof with my dad, and only my dad, for two whole days and nights since...since...I can't even remember. I always THOUGHT he was a nice clean old man, polite, decent. But I realize now that any of THAT was clearly the way of his wife. I got to see, clear as day, where my white trash roots came from. Not just white trash, but polish trash. (the mexican crazy lazy manic bipolar was from mom)(good combo guys, GOOD COMBO) (thank GOD they're sterile now)

Anyhow, as I was saying. FIrst off, he turned his nose up at my "expired" half/n/half which smelled just fine, thank you very much. And were you thinking he needed the h/h for his coffee? no no silly, his CEREAL. Because I only had skim milk (unacceptable) so he poured the rotten h/h in to mix things up a bit. to polish people this makes perfect sense.. a little skim, a little h/h and voila! Whole milk!

Moving right along, after breakfast he just left the dishes in the sink. no rinse. no wash. then this AM he doesn't get a NEW bowl and coffee cup, he just runs the old nasty ones uner the tap. no soap. (it gets better, keep reading) I just watched with fascination. he then goes to the coffee maker, which has the brewed coffee from YESTERDAY still in it, and proceeds to pour it in his rinsed mug. At this point I intervene.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!?!"

him: (matter of fact) well, don't you have a microwave?

"YAH BUT WHY? that coffee is from YESTERDAY. It wasn't REFRIGERATED. It's probably moldy.!"

him: Moldy! ha! where's your microwave? this coffee is perfectly fine. where's the expired half n half?

"BUT that's gross!" and then I notice the bowl and spoon "hey! I HAVE lots of bowls dad. and spoons! Those aren't even washed!"

him: oh well, I rinsed them. they're just fine.

end scene.

Also he had brought this little water bottle with him. the kind from 7/11. and he kept refilling it and putting it in the fridge. I kept asking if he wanted a NEW bottle, a bigger and better and fresher bottle because I AM sure he had that bottle the whole way from San Fran.


I wish I could claim I was adopted. But as I watched I just PRAYED that I would remember this when I'm old. Because otherwise I'm on the same path.

apartment hunt continues...

Today I went to see an "luxury" apt in an "up and coming" neighborhood, "west hollywood adjacent" Now, we knew it wouldn't be so great. the pink building was surrounded by hooptis. Some cars I haven't seen since my "stockton" days. It took the "manager" william, about half an hour to answer the door, and when he did he was twitching and he had a stray eye. he lead us to the alleged apt and opened the door, but the crack family hadn't moved out yet. LaMont and his cornrolls were sitting on the couch watching maury, and our whitey methed out manager said "oh. heh.heh. sorry dude. didn't know you still lived here." Lamont just eyed us up and down. Me, and STARR, and meth head. he was too drugged to protest. he didn't even get up off the couch.

I needn't bother you with the silly details of the apt, only that he informed us that we would indeed need to provide our own fridge. "oh, we neeeeeee-eeever provide the refrigerators man, nope never. tenants have to bring their own. (pause) and then (pause) when you like, move out (pause again) (more pausing....I think he forgot what he was saying)you take your fridge with you! (he said this with excitment, like we would be winning a prize)yep, you just move the fridge in and then you move it back out."

got it. right.

mornin' sunshine

just couldn't resist. I can't even write anything here. if a picture says a thousand hairs....

sunday, brady, sunday

It is yet another crazy hot day in LA. All my Santa monica classes were cancelled because the power is out. Yetserday was 115 dees-grees in Pasadena. Today is MUCH cooler, in at 104. SO I have all this free time on my hands, free time to get some writing work done. BUT there happens to also be a BRADY BUNCH marathon on this weekend....48 hours worth of brady. SO I have had it on non-stop, for company.

It strikes me watching it now, how much I have wanted THAT life. I watched them religiously as a kid. But I hadn't realized how much had seeped into my subconscious (see, I pay all this money for a shrink and drugs, and it all boils down to the BRADY syndrome. I have BRA.D.D.) ALL the men I go for look like Mike. WHo wouldn't want Mike Brady as a Husband. He was perfect! WHich is WHY us GEN-X-ers are so fucked up. We all want mike Brady...he treated Carol well, loved ALL the kids, knew how to have a good time, and was VERY fashionable, brought home the bacon...etc. AND he was gay. Thus, the explanation of the abundance of fag hags...we all just wanna be Carol.

Is it too much to ask that I just want a perfect house, lots of kids (but NO babies, OR childbirth...those Brady's just arrived, like my flowers) and a funny housekeeper? Even to THIS day the quirky things, lessons, if you will, make SENSE to me. Like when Carol says to Marsha "honey...you don't have to pretend to be like those other girls to fit in. Just BE YOURSELF, and you WILL be popular!"

I AGREE! I wanna say stupid stuff like that to my daughter while wearing my size 2 shift dress with a butterfly collar. I wanna run my household, the way Carol does...by letting ALICE do it. I want a gay husband who dresses cute to pay all the bills AND feed the dog. My friend's blog says to imagine SPECIFICALLY what you want and it will manifest. WELL little miss holistic, I HAVE been imagining that for YEARS! where is MY sherman oaks house? They didn't even NEED starbucks...Alice percolated their coffee FOR THEM.

K, clearly I need a Brady Intervention.

wait, speaking of strarbucks, I haven't had any yet. Better go. But the episode where Jan refuses to go to the square dance is on. She wants to be an only child. Oh Jan, you have it SO good. SO SO good.

gardeners...people HIRED to garden, the way GOD meant it to be.

Gardeners are THE BEST.

Everyone should have one.

or 5.

And I just have to take a moment to say, that while living in LA has been challenging, I do LOVE that no one here does their own lawn. That would be weird. I have NEVER seen anyone mowing their lawn here. My Gay-bors across the street attempted their own little flower patch to compete with my lush arboretum, but I laughed at their pitiful effort, called it "cute."

And I especially love that I can leave for coffee on sat morning and return to a whole new yard. It's like, to me, flowers just arrive. I never water them b/c my gardeners set up little tiny hoses into all the potted plants, and my sprinklers are set, by them, on automatic. When things die they sweep them away and plant new. Why just this morning I came home to all new little red looking flowers around my lemon tree. SO adorable. AND they are so fast, in 'n out in a half hour. like elves. only they're mexican (my peeps) and there's an entire entourage, at least 5. And they all arive in a white van, pile out, do the job lickety-split and, voila! They're gone. They don't YELL at me for being white/mexican trash. They don't knock on my door and try to TELL me how to care for these things called, plants. It's like I have my own personal fairy tale.

But my POINT is I am ruined for life. (clearly!) Me and plants/flowers don't mix so well in the "do it yourself" department. Home depot is a BIG mystery to me. Why anyone goes there is so confusing I can't even blog about it. the last time I was in there was when my friend JOE took me to buy a space heater, and we got into a HUGE fight inside.It was the stress of being in there that pushed me over the edge.

My dad tried to instill some lawn mowing to my brother early on (HE lived in NORTHERN ca...a different planet really) and I clearly remember the confusion on his 12 yr old face when he said to my dad "hey dad. why you mowing the lawn? that's what gardeners do!" And I chimed in "yah! Where's yours? is he sick?" My dad was red in the face, trying to start his "GODDAMN lawnmower!" and he stopped, looked at my brother with rage and through clenched teeth said "YOU WILL MOW THE ENTIRE LAWN TODAY AND I WILL TEACH YOU HOW AND YOU WILL NOT COME IN UNTIL YOU ARE DONE WITH THE FRONT AND BACK! IF YOUR MOTHER WASN'T SPENDING ALL MY MONEY ON A GARDENER THEN YOU WOULD ALREADY KNOW HOW TO DO THIS! GARDENER'S ARE THE LAZY MAN'S WAY! YOUR MOM SHOULD MOW HER OWN GRASS"

ooops.

I creeped away, thanking Jesus I was a girl and would NEVER be asked to do that and feeling SO BAD for my brother. But then again, served him right for having such a big mouth! Where WAS my dad's gardener anyway? And if having a gardener is a lazy man's way then guess I knew where I was headed!

Funny how our futures are etched in so young, soo so young.

I am sitting in Starbucks as we speak. It has just cracked past 8 AM and 75 Degrees here in Sunny LA and I am just sitting here minding my own bidness when I look up and the line is winding all around the store and actually out the door. This isn't even a GOOD starbucks (really, they should hire me as a secret critic)(I could publish annual manuals)(hey! I'm a rhymer!)

where was I? oh yah..line out the door, people clamoring and chatting about in ther "armani" casuals(except this being Pasadena, they bought them at ROSS) rolling their eyes at each other in mutual disgust for having to line up like cattle for their morning feed, but chuckling amicably because "oh well, we wouldn't have it any other way! what can ya do?" and in this little eye contact exchange we are all here, bonding, sharing. Starbucks is the new "meeting at the water well." In lieu of buckets we have travel mugs. We meet, fill up, elbow each other at the milk stand (ummm, are you DONE with the skim yet???) chat, fight, gossip.

Just a little morning observation, on my way to teach yoga.

a few more LA tidbits...

More APARTMENT lies...I mean, descriptions.

"vintage"=Grandma passed away last weekend and we need to cut a profit off her old place since she lived WAY past her living trust so we won't even bother fixing it up or moving out her furniture cuz that would be wasting more of our inheritance.
Hope you like cats!

"cute"=cute as it cutesy doll house miniature feel.

"close to the bus lines!"= automatically means THE PROJECTS cuz no respectable angelino even knows what a bus is. Or how to take one, or why anyone in their right mind would WANT to be near a line.

"5 mins from the airport!"= why?

"AMAZING new bathroom fixtures"=amazing that they are still standing because even though they are NEW, they were bought at the Boy Scout Camping Supply store.


ANd more efficient money tips....

STARBUX...if you WANT a GRANDE Iced Latte. STOP. Order A double espresso over ice in a grande cup...then walk your little self over to the milk section and fill er up! WALA! An Grande Iced Latte and you just saved about a buck forty!

FREE PARKING?...Park in any GYM parking lot that validates for 3 hours or more, they'r usually in GREAT urban areas, and then walk, no run (gotta look sweaty) into said gym with goofy face and go "oops, forgot to validate!" and shrug shoulders as you hand them your ticket.

Keep on savin!

Thank you BRAVO, THANK YOU!!

Bravo, you had me at "showdog moms and dads." And just when I thought it might be over between us, when "the real housewives of orange county" ended and you tried to pretend that "Top Chef" could fill the void. No one believed it. So what a surprise when you gave us Stephen...and Tiffany! "I'm not your Bitch, BITCH!" will forever live in our hearts.

And then (oh thank you sweet Jesus!)in the nick of time when the heavy summer july depression hit hard, and "My Fair Brady" was about to end, you surprised us once again with, what may be the best season yet of "Project Runway 3"(I shed a tear of gratitude as I type) It started off a little "yah yah, seen it."

And then.

And then...there was MALAN. Dear sweet boy MALAN! When he showed his mummy his sketches that he drew at a wee 6 years old she THREW them on the floor and screamed "RUBBISH!" I know he only graced our screens for a brief moment, but oh, those were powerful moments. I literally got teary when he was kicked off and he said (read in british accent)"I thought I was paht of something. I've nevuh really had many friends, and I really enjoyed my time with these friends, I just thought it would be, you know, a little longah, I had hoped really"

PLEASE BRAVO, PLEASE give him his own show. It doesn't matter WHAT he does. He can just sit on camera and talk. And then, I will NEVER denounce you again. NEVER! I will promise to keep the faith and I won't even THINK of watching The Apprentice again. I'd even give up ANTM...for a season. I endured Santino way way WAY past his prime, so please, for the greater good, Let's see him in the fall line-up.



Sincerely,

your number one fan

a hint for all things LA...

First, when searching for an apartment here is the dictionary you'd want to consult...

"up and coming neighborhood!" = must be member of affiliated gang and /or welfare recipient. note: don't even think of viewing without the THREE P's...Pipebomb, Pepperspray, Pinto. Whole Foods? Strabucks? but a distant memory...

"cozy"= Doghouse/shed/garage that collapsed and left managable crawl space

"charming"= no floor to speak of (cemenet is the new hardwood), toilet on porch (so cute), kitchen consists of closet space with microwave, washing bowl, and insulated cooler (less is more! Green is keen!)

"great lighting"=no roof (ditto for "exposed wood beams!"...trees have fallen where roof used to be)

"Breezy cross ventilation"=no AC, no fan and nowhere to PUT an AC or fan.

"security system"=bars on SOME windows, neighbor has aging rottweiller/pitt mix

"all original features!"=has not been touched by human repairman since Pa, Ma, and Almanzo lived there.

"small 1 bedroom"=is actually NO bedroom, just what once used to be a built-in shelf, or vestibule for umbrellas

"Private deck"=you could jump on the roof across the way IF you're spry, cuz no one else could do it and/or alley behind unit where the garbage dumpster used to sit but now homeless people have made box seats and box tables for "patio" setting

"plenty of sunlight!"=no blinds,curtains or curtain rods...walls are cement so don't even think of putting any up.

"walk to beach!"=IF you're a seasoned marathon runner, and by "beach" we mean sandy area with pee puddles behind Starbucks.

"Plenty of Privacy!"=you will live in the deep deep woods and/or 200 feet below sea level in abandoned warehouse (loft!) basement with NO windows.


And moving along to some helpful money saving hints so you can actually AFFORD one of those beauties...

ENERGY BARS....Target has boxes of balance and zone bars $3.99/6bars WITH a coupon attached for 2 more free. NOTE: you must get the 6 count boxes WITH coupon attached. IF the flavor you want has no coupon on box simply "borrow" one from other box.

TAMPONS...On sale this week TAMPAX 2/$9....they mean regular tampons, but just show up when it's busy with your "pearl" boxes and tell them "the shelf SAID 2/$9" and you will get your way.

GYMS...just breeze past the front desk and wave and say "I'm an instructor" and you will have a great free workout.

YOGA CLASSES...1st class at most studios is free, so just go to every studio once

WHOLE FOODS/COSTCO...weekend sample sample sample

CANDY/GUM/MINTS...Rite Aid often has 4/$1 on all regular hershey/reeses/nestle candy bars...AND 2/$1 on gum and otherwise expensive mints...this is cheaper than Costco AND much more room for CHOICE.

Thanks for reading Kiki's Krazy guide to Tinseltown...toon in next week for discount designer socks and how to work the Nordstrom return policy.







,

"health food"

I split my back molar last night IN HALF from eating an organic healthy cookie from WHOLE FOODS. It was SO whole that it was hard as a rock.

The irony is not lost one me. I didn't NEED a reason to go back to innocent, soft, hydrogenated, hostess products.

i-bitch

I went to the Apple store today after months and months of saving every last dollar to buy a new laptop (sorry people I owe money to...you're next I swear!)(unless my cell dies)(THIS was a pure life necessity)(I didn't even GO to the Nordy Anniversary sale!)

Well, I had saved all my cash income to buy this computer, which cost about the same as it would to adopt a baby girl from china, which incidentally is how I feel about the new "addition" to my family.(pics and announcements of the new bundle of joy will be sent soon) I had it all in cash, which I know in this new age of credit consumerism is a bit old fashioned, but money is money I say. And I wasn't about to go into debt when I already owe my generous GENEROUS friends who have been there in my hour(s) of need!

So I would say $600 of it was in $5 bills, but they were all sorted and facing right (didn't learn much in college, but THE GAP certainly provided me with some great money and laundry folding skills) and the girl helping me gave me attitude! IAnd I was being SO NICE. (really) Yah, I felt lame too, like I was counting out my babysitting money...so I said "I know, it's a lot of 5's, but you shoulda seen what I had to DO to earn all this cash..."haha"..."heehee"..."wink wink."

(crickets chirping)

(silence)

Me again, chuckling,nervous "yah, I mean, I faced them all and bundled them in hundreds so it would at least be less obnoxious! I learned that from my days at THE GAP! Hey! At least working here you don't have to fold stuff, huh!"

(silence)

Me again, playin' it cool, "yah, bet nobody ever pays cash here, huh! Well, at least you'll have change!!"

My friend who came with me sidles up to the register, seeing me sinking fast..."hey! that's a lot of 5's! well at least you'll have some change, huh! Won't need to go begging the Banana Republic people for change anymore! HAA!....heee..."

Me..."wellllll, sorry, I know, I mean, well I had to pay for this computer SOMEhow!"

Finally she looks up after cramming all 5's into register, and says really snotty, "Yah well, you COULD HAVE gone to the bank and changed these in. My boss will kill me for having to count all this cash tonight, but Oh well! I ahd to do it, so he'll just have to deal!"

Okay, what has happenned to our shopping society? I was SPENDING $1,800 dollars in this store! AND I was being apologetic and nice to a salesgirl for paying her MY hard earned cash?! And she was being snotty to me? This isn't FRANCE. I am the customer. And therefore my ass should be kissed! PLUS I also just saved them the percentage they woulda paid in credit card fees! What is wrong with America?

But she knew. oh did she know. This was the Apple store. she had something I desperately wanted. And she KNEW I would put up with anything to get it. Like when your crack dealer makes you strip or give him a BJ for the stash (I just see this on TV, I don't really KNOW) This girl knew she had me at ibook. And you know what's sad? I was relieved when the transaction was finished and she let me have my goods. I was still kissing HER ass on the way out. "bye! thanks! sorrrryyy for all the crazy cash! I'll pay credit next time! haa haa! hee!" Just in case I needed to come back for a carrying case or an ethernet. And FYI...I will be paying in $1 bills next time (AFTER I pay back my good generous friends...)

mamma ain;t happy ain't nobody happy...

I have to find a new apt on the west side.

My friend called me and found a "great apt. share" in West Hollywood...I just have to "approve of gay marriages" and "like kittens"

I am addicted to mochas.

I have a headache from hell that even a double dose of amphetamines won't touch.

I just ran into starbux to medicate myself and ran into my "step" father, who wanted to 'talk' and trapped me in a corner while telling me that my mom is never "irrational!"

HELP!!!!

And take THAT! and THAT! and then THAT!

I found a BLACK WIDOW spider in a big ass web under my patio table. (for real. the red hourglass was gleaming and everything) I freaked. I panicked. I knew they were deadly so I had to DO something otherwise it might kill the dogs, or worse even...ME! So I did the ONLY thing I could do. I ran into the kitchen, threw open the cupboard under the sink and grabbed the roach killer. Well, I mean, surely if it killed roaches it would do fine for spiders? yes? SO I proceeded to spray RAID all under my patio table and all around my patio and around all the potted lemon trees too. I didn't want any stray Widow cousins comin' round either.

The black widow yawned, and, clearly annoyed, crawled deeper under the table. I freaked again cuz I didn't want her to get away ALIVE!! What if she was pregnant??? SO I ran back in the house and i just stood in the middle of the kitchen. "THINK PEEWEE! THINK!" I opened every cupboard, oxyclean? goo gone? pledge? what would kill that damn thing? AHA! The broom. so I went out with my deadly weapon. The broom still had the plastic bed bath and beyond cover on it.(I don't clean so much)(and when I do I feel that the vacuum, while already out, does a perfectly good job on the hardwood as it does the rugs!) I poked the broom all around, and finally I saw a black/red thing flutter to the ground...I looked. she was down, but alive. I stepped on her to make it final. then I got scared cuz I killed something so evil so I ran back in the house, heart beating fast, slamming the door behind me in case she rose up to take her last and final revenge on me.

I wouldn't go outside again. I left the carcass and the broom and the raid smelling patio for the gardeners to deal with, after all, they get paid for this kinda thing, they must see things like this everyday. GOD I hope there are no relatives. I hope black widows aren't like roaches where for every ONE you see that means there are 100. And well, anyway, at least I won't be getting any patio roaches anytime soon.

Don't be fooled by the socks that I got, I'm still kiki from the block...

It's official. I have become the white trash neighbor who moves into a pretty house and then slowly, oh so slowly, brings the entire neighborhood down a notch...or ten. In my defense I can't actually afford this part of town, so we were always on borrowed time. I'm a street rat at heart, and you know you were all waiting for this to happen soon. Mine was always a question of when not if.

The worst part is it happened so slowly I didn't even notice until my friend came to visit me today and pointed it out. I slowly saw things from her eyes. Well, I HAD to because she was laughing at me pointing out the decay. First she walked in and said "your house looks (pause)(more pausing)(she's searching for the words)different." "did you have all that(pause)stuff on your dining room table last time I was here?"

and then later..."I have the WORST headache and I NEVER get headaches. I think it's from ALL the dog fur. No offense or anything, I know it MUST be hard with TWO dogs and all(in fake compassionate voice), but maybe just vacuum once in a while?"

and then on our way out shopping, in the driveway..."Hey! why are there dirty socks and bones all over your sidewalk and front yard...and driveway...and walkway? Did someone spill their trash all over your area?" I looked up and looked around. sure enough in a distinct area surrounding my house were in fact all of the bones and dirty socks that my dogs always run outside with, then drop on the ground to go pee, then forget to pick back up. It was like an easter egg hunt gone wrong. I laughed and said my dogs were trash. I mean Beck, after all IS a pound Mutt, and Maggie IS from a puppy Mill in Missouri.

and then IN the car..."OH MY GOD! I HAVE NEVER SEEN YOUR CAR THIS DIRTY EVER! WHAT HAPPENED?" (now there's actual concern in her voice, mixed with a dash of horror and a teaspoon of upper class confusion) "IN FACT! I have never seen a car so dirty!" Then she looks in the back seat, taking it all in with fascination as one does in a bloody crime scene. "AH!!! OH. MY. GOD. your backseat..." Here's where I intervene on my behalf..."wullll....I mean...this car is a HOOPTI. It needs like new brakes and stuff, and you know I HAVE TWO DOGS! and they ruin EVERYTHING! They're trash dogs! they have NO understaning of leather interior! And all those coffee stains? well the LA commute sucks! and you know, people like LIVE in their cars, so this is just the way IT IS here. And also the dogs roll in mud and stuff..." (when being attacked always, ALWAYS blame the dog) Before I can finish she interrupts and says "WE ARE GOING STRAIGHT TO THE CAR WASH BEFORE WE GO SHOPPING! NOW! I'LL PAY....(pause) HALF!"

and then coming home..."Hey...nice christmas garland on your fence. REAL nice!"

Busy Friday...

Well, this was a BUSY friday.

There's plenty on the docket for today,(that's Judge Judy court talk, not some old memories from my stints in the pokey)(ahhh, youth. good times. good times.)(to be 30 again!)

I reconnected with an old Utah friend today during my commute and it was SO fun. He didn't know I blog so I directed him to my website...he was excited cuz he was thinking I had some super racy fun exciting LA type things to write about...so when he read my blog title from yesterday he thought it said "PANTS. why? what for?"(see blog below for the steamy details)and then he saw I was just writing about boring old pLants. See. I told you plants basically suck...

Which is the PERFECT segue(is that how you spell segway?)to my new best friend who just moved here. I don't actually know her very well, we have been in like 3 yoga teacher trainings together(yah I am actually trained. go figure!)and that's like going through re-hab together...we bond. We are so alike in the weirdest ways, but we're on warp speed trying to get to know each other so we can be best friends (more MY agenda I'm sure) And we can already laugh about our complete polar opposite differences...which include her asking me questions like "hey, where can you buy essential oils around here?" and the even funnier "hey, you should come with me to the blahblahbaghadvita chant circle!" to the ever funnier "come with me to the hippie tree bookstore because I have to buy some crystals." And the reason why I KNOW we're destined for BFF-hood is that I just laughed instead of sneaking out the backdoor, ne'er to return or be heard from again. But to top off the get-to-know-you lunch, as we were walking to our cars she was trying to justify this crystal purchase and she said "Well, I just like the crystals, not to put everywhere, they are just great to put in my plants...you know?!"
Oh I KNOW. I SO KNOW!

Today I spent SEVENTY DOLLARS in gas. that's $70. DOLLARS. in GAS. Gas for the CAR, not like Laughing Gas for my root canal. I literally almost cried. not so much for the entirety of the $70, but for THIS reason....

ONE GALLON GAS... $3.45
ONE STARBUX GRANDE MOCHA... $3.45
GALLONS IN GAS TANK... 17
MONEY IT WILL COST IN THERAPY TO GET THROUGH THE LOSS OF 17 MOCHAS?....(I just passed out)

Plants. why? what for?

My friend went away for 10 days and asked me to "just pop over and water his plants" every 3 days. He even worded it just like this..."hey. I'm going away for 10 days and if you want you can totally stay at my place...And you can bring the dogs and hang out by the pool...I mean, it's a little dusty from the construction workers, but I mean, if you want you could stay there. I'll make a set of keys for you and everything. THAT way you don't have to commute and stuff...oh yah and maybe while you're there you could just water the plants..."

Now, I have had issue with these plants before. They had a brief stint at my house for a few weeks while he stayed with me when he moved here. And he worded it just like this "hey. can't WAIT to see you. I barely have any stuff, just my suitcase, and a few plants." They had exploded all over my house AND the patio. When I had first walked in and made a face, approaching the "plants" as I would A muddy nasty child, he said "oh, I just put the plants all over the house because they just add such a great energy. I put all the cactus ones on the patio and they GO really well out there. they match. sooo, if you want to keep any, you know, just pick out a couple and I can leave them for you."

uh huh.

Well, one could SAY I knew what I was getting into. But I had actually forgotten how many damn plants he had, and since I actually made him put them all BACK in his room while he was here, I didn't REALLY know the full scope of it.

SO I went over there even though I am NOT staying there, as it is completely uninhabitable. And if you're thinking I'm a diva? no furniture (just an airbed), no AC (it's 105 degrees everyday) and there's thick dust covering EVERYTHING because there's also construction on ALL the bathrooms and the kitchen (no appliances whatsoever in the kitchen.)oh yah, and NO running water...just the showerhead.

But I digress...I make myself go over there b/c I now have inadvertently committed myself to watering these things. They are all on his porch so I think "hey. I'll be in 'n out, 2 mins flat." Basically I would have rather babysat my friend's FOUR kids for a month. His "plants" had procreated. there were seriously like 50 of them. AT LEAST. allll sizes and whatever. AND it's not like there's a hose. So I have to keep trekking all the way to the back bathroom, turn on the SPRAY showerhead to fill up the goddamn waterbucket and then carry it allll the way back to water these millions of plants. I was sweating!

And worst of all I have to do this again tomorrow! And I have been dreading it alll day today. Technically I shoulda done it 2 days ago, but whatever. I don't even care if those fuckers die. I'll just lie about it and be all "what? I fully went over there like every TWO days! weird! Musta been this crazy LA heat!"

I just don't understand the plant thing. just get a cat! a dog! a pet rock even. why would you EVER want something that requires such tempermental high maintenance that you have to TRICK people into caring for them. WHY? I understand gardeneing. I mean I don't DO gardening, but I get it. But plants? they just SIT THERE. they don't bloom. you can't EAT them. You have to care for them like you would a small child and they do NOTHING.(except shed their stupid leaves all over)(which is why my 3 plants that were 'given' to me suddenly and mysteriously got put out back behind the garage where nature intended) I mean, get a new couch if you need ambiance. If you want to feel close to nature, that's what FAKE plants are for.

We need to create a movement called "go back to the yard" to free all imprisoned plants and bring them back to nature, where God intended them to live, where they could be watered by rain or sprinkler systems. It's just plain unnatural. IT'S WRONG.

SO really this blog is like a public service announcement. It may sound innocent enough to just "water a few plants" but be VERY aware what it could mean. there are NEVER just a few plants.

Summer luvin' had me a bla-ast...

Summers used to be so carefree.

Me. A couch. And a Mr. Microphone. And the 'new' GREASE record.

I would stand on the couch (the very top back part)(the stage) day after day, belting out Olivia Newton John's AND John Travolta's parts. It was my goal to memorize all the words, and all the scenes and then "perfom" the entire movie for my family, who would be SO amazingly impressed at my undiscovered talent that my mom would call my dad and DEMAND I be sent to the "FAME" highschool.

Now I just get depressed because all my fav show are gone and there's not even anything new for Dr. Phil...all re-runs. And the new network stuff? Windfall? yawnnn. (I watch it though)(luke perry!) America's got talent? snore. (if even I can't force myself to watch a show it HAS to be bad) The soccer series game thingy that EVERYONE is obsessed about? (don't even know what it is)(but every single person has asked ME about it. even some random stranger at the coffee place asked me if I knew the score? what? DO i LOOK like I watch soccer when I'm holding an IN TOUCH weekly in my hands??)(wake UP DUDE!)


BUT THEN...I discovered THE HILLS. Anyone watch that? yah, uh, me neither. And no, i am NOT just biding my time until it starts in 29 minutes.

BUT THEN...I discovered MY FAIR BRADY. I almost can't even breath when that show is on. Brady bunch intimacy meets Next Top Model...Who has died and gone to heaven? ME!!!!!!!

AND THEN...there's ENTOURAGE...a no brainer. So good it's painful when it ends.

BUT THE REAL gem....MY SUPER SWEET SIXTEEN. Watch it now. set your TiVo. A-MAZING.

So this summer has promise after all! what? outdoors you say? travel? play tennis? hike the hollywood hills?

HA! I scoff at all that wasted energy!

THE HILLS is on. G2G.

He ALWAYS hogs the sheets. ALWAYS.

opposites attract...

It's funny. I have a friend (Starr)(of the Brentwood Starr) who hates animals AND children and all of the above flock to her endlessly. My other friend has 4 kids and when they met Starr for about 2 minutes they became obsessed. They even asked for her autograph and would NOT stop staring at her. To this day when I see them they say "Hi kiki...where's Starr???" "Is starr coming too? etc." When she would visit me in NY she would be sitting on the couch and BOTH my roomate's pugs would just hop on her lap and make themselves comfortable, while my yellow lab would incessantly try to lick her and get her attention. She would even yell " YOU ARE NOT CUTE! I don't even like you dog! You think you're cute but you're NOT!" and they would clamor around her even MORE.

It just goes to show the sad state of my love life. I don't even trust if I am attracted to a guy cuz he's usually A/gay B/hairy or C/neurotic and poor. And these are the guys that are ALWAYS attracted to me. They say like attracts like. BULLSHIT. I am neither gay, hairy nor...I am NOT GAY or HAIRY!

I had a point but it got lost because now I am just plain depressed. Maybe I'm just an apathetic spoiled brat, who simply wants a straight cute guy in a good tax bracket to date. But since I GET the exact opposite of that I am doomed. I will always be like my maggie, trying to get the affections of Starr...it'll never happen.

Looks like we've made it!

When I was a kid, my brother and I got "capri sun" drinks in our easter baskets, granola bars in our stockings and when my mom had a particularly lucrative month we got HALF of a fruit roll in our lunch (once she was tired and forgot to cut it in half and I paraded the whole roll all around the playground. I wouldn't even eat it I was so proud to have the whole thing.)(which is also why I stole other kids' snacks)(but that's a whole other blog) My brother and I would hoard the drinks, hide them in our sock drawers, save them for SPECIAL occassions. The days I could take a frozen capri sun to school I felt like a pop star. If a box of cereal came with a granola bar in it, it was the crafty calculating one who got to it first, dumped out the cereal and grabbed the loot who was the victor! I got many a punch in the stomach if I got to it first, held down until I spilled the hiding place.

So today when I went to Target to get yet MORE stuff for my friends and their kids who arrive today, I was so excited to fill my basket with WHOLE boxes of Capri Sun, boxes of fruit rolls, junk cereals, pop-tarts, etc...I felt like I was Donald trump, just buying whatever the hell I wanted, no matter the price! (well, I DID scan a few items first)(I'm not THIS successful for nuthin!) I couldn't believe how cheap it all seemed, so I just kept throwing things in. And I thought to myself, so so satisfied "I HAVE MADE IT! I can buy capri suns!!! I don't have to wait for easter!!!!"