Thursday, July 06, 2006

Plants. why? what for?

My friend went away for 10 days and asked me to "just pop over and water his plants" every 3 days. He even worded it just like this..."hey. I'm going away for 10 days and if you want you can totally stay at my place...And you can bring the dogs and hang out by the pool...I mean, it's a little dusty from the construction workers, but I mean, if you want you could stay there. I'll make a set of keys for you and everything. THAT way you don't have to commute and stuff...oh yah and maybe while you're there you could just water the plants..."

Now, I have had issue with these plants before. They had a brief stint at my house for a few weeks while he stayed with me when he moved here. And he worded it just like this "hey. can't WAIT to see you. I barely have any stuff, just my suitcase, and a few plants." They had exploded all over my house AND the patio. When I had first walked in and made a face, approaching the "plants" as I would A muddy nasty child, he said "oh, I just put the plants all over the house because they just add such a great energy. I put all the cactus ones on the patio and they GO really well out there. they match. sooo, if you want to keep any, you know, just pick out a couple and I can leave them for you."

uh huh.

Well, one could SAY I knew what I was getting into. But I had actually forgotten how many damn plants he had, and since I actually made him put them all BACK in his room while he was here, I didn't REALLY know the full scope of it.

SO I went over there even though I am NOT staying there, as it is completely uninhabitable. And if you're thinking I'm a diva? no furniture (just an airbed), no AC (it's 105 degrees everyday) and there's thick dust covering EVERYTHING because there's also construction on ALL the bathrooms and the kitchen (no appliances whatsoever in the kitchen.)oh yah, and NO running water...just the showerhead.

But I digress...I make myself go over there b/c I now have inadvertently committed myself to watering these things. They are all on his porch so I think "hey. I'll be in 'n out, 2 mins flat." Basically I would have rather babysat my friend's FOUR kids for a month. His "plants" had procreated. there were seriously like 50 of them. AT LEAST. allll sizes and whatever. AND it's not like there's a hose. So I have to keep trekking all the way to the back bathroom, turn on the SPRAY showerhead to fill up the goddamn waterbucket and then carry it allll the way back to water these millions of plants. I was sweating!

And worst of all I have to do this again tomorrow! And I have been dreading it alll day today. Technically I shoulda done it 2 days ago, but whatever. I don't even care if those fuckers die. I'll just lie about it and be all "what? I fully went over there like every TWO days! weird! Musta been this crazy LA heat!"

I just don't understand the plant thing. just get a cat! a dog! a pet rock even. why would you EVER want something that requires such tempermental high maintenance that you have to TRICK people into caring for them. WHY? I understand gardeneing. I mean I don't DO gardening, but I get it. But plants? they just SIT THERE. they don't bloom. you can't EAT them. You have to care for them like you would a small child and they do NOTHING.(except shed their stupid leaves all over)(which is why my 3 plants that were 'given' to me suddenly and mysteriously got put out back behind the garage where nature intended) I mean, get a new couch if you need ambiance. If you want to feel close to nature, that's what FAKE plants are for.

We need to create a movement called "go back to the yard" to free all imprisoned plants and bring them back to nature, where God intended them to live, where they could be watered by rain or sprinkler systems. It's just plain unnatural. IT'S WRONG.

SO really this blog is like a public service announcement. It may sound innocent enough to just "water a few plants" but be VERY aware what it could mean. there are NEVER just a few plants.


Granny~Van said...

HAHAHAAAA! You sure got suckered into that one. May I suggest you bring your OWN water hose and hook it up to the shower head? Just to let your dear, plant loving freaky friend know how much painstaking effort you put into caring for his little house of horrors, you should fully leave the hose connected to the shower; then, even if all his cacti and gardenias die, he can't say you didn't try. And, just for the record, I hope we aren't spending our Saturday morning killing, I mean watering!

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