Saturday, July 08, 2006

Don't be fooled by the socks that I got, I'm still kiki from the block...

It's official. I have become the white trash neighbor who moves into a pretty house and then slowly, oh so slowly, brings the entire neighborhood down a notch...or ten. In my defense I can't actually afford this part of town, so we were always on borrowed time. I'm a street rat at heart, and you know you were all waiting for this to happen soon. Mine was always a question of when not if.

The worst part is it happened so slowly I didn't even notice until my friend came to visit me today and pointed it out. I slowly saw things from her eyes. Well, I HAD to because she was laughing at me pointing out the decay. First she walked in and said "your house looks (pause)(more pausing)(she's searching for the words)different." "did you have all that(pause)stuff on your dining room table last time I was here?"

and then later..."I have the WORST headache and I NEVER get headaches. I think it's from ALL the dog fur. No offense or anything, I know it MUST be hard with TWO dogs and all(in fake compassionate voice), but maybe just vacuum once in a while?"

and then on our way out shopping, in the driveway..."Hey! why are there dirty socks and bones all over your sidewalk and front yard...and driveway...and walkway? Did someone spill their trash all over your area?" I looked up and looked around. sure enough in a distinct area surrounding my house were in fact all of the bones and dirty socks that my dogs always run outside with, then drop on the ground to go pee, then forget to pick back up. It was like an easter egg hunt gone wrong. I laughed and said my dogs were trash. I mean Beck, after all IS a pound Mutt, and Maggie IS from a puppy Mill in Missouri.

and then IN the car..."OH MY GOD! I HAVE NEVER SEEN YOUR CAR THIS DIRTY EVER! WHAT HAPPENED?" (now there's actual concern in her voice, mixed with a dash of horror and a teaspoon of upper class confusion) "IN FACT! I have never seen a car so dirty!" Then she looks in the back seat, taking it all in with fascination as one does in a bloody crime scene. "AH!!! OH. MY. GOD. your backseat..." Here's where I intervene on my behalf..."wullll....I mean...this car is a HOOPTI. It needs like new brakes and stuff, and you know I HAVE TWO DOGS! and they ruin EVERYTHING! They're trash dogs! they have NO understaning of leather interior! And all those coffee stains? well the LA commute sucks! and you know, people like LIVE in their cars, so this is just the way IT IS here. And also the dogs roll in mud and stuff..." (when being attacked always, ALWAYS blame the dog) Before I can finish she interrupts and says "WE ARE GOING STRAIGHT TO THE CAR WASH BEFORE WE GO SHOPPING! NOW! I'LL PAY....(pause) HALF!"

and then coming home..."Hey...nice christmas garland on your fence. REAL nice!"


Granny~Van said...

I'm howling with laughter!! OMG! I hadn't really put ALL of your trailer park pieces together as you so clearly have for all to read. HAHHHAAAA! You need to do as we have done...keep the OUTSIDE up and NEVER, I repeat NEVER let anyone in your car or house. That's what we, a family of four kids under 9, do. WHen people drop kids or things off, I immediately run out the door before they can get out of the car. Clearly it's my signal to them they are NOT allowed to step through the threshold of our castle. You've gotta learn from the pro. It's okay to be white trash at heart, the trick is to APPEAR to fit in.

Joe said...

oui, ma petite. you can take the girl out of the dirty parisian ghetto, but you can never take the dirty parisian ghetto out of the girl. c'est bon.

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