Tuesday, July 18, 2006

a hint for all things LA...

First, when searching for an apartment here is the dictionary you'd want to consult...

"up and coming neighborhood!" = must be member of affiliated gang and /or welfare recipient. note: don't even think of viewing without the THREE P's...Pipebomb, Pepperspray, Pinto. Whole Foods? Strabucks? but a distant memory...

"cozy"= Doghouse/shed/garage that collapsed and left managable crawl space

"charming"= no floor to speak of (cemenet is the new hardwood), toilet on porch (so cute), kitchen consists of closet space with microwave, washing bowl, and insulated cooler (less is more! Green is keen!)

"great lighting"=no roof (ditto for "exposed wood beams!"...trees have fallen where roof used to be)

"Breezy cross ventilation"=no AC, no fan and nowhere to PUT an AC or fan.

"security system"=bars on SOME windows, neighbor has aging rottweiller/pitt mix

"all original features!"=has not been touched by human repairman since Pa, Ma, and Almanzo lived there.

"small 1 bedroom"=is actually NO bedroom, just what once used to be a built-in shelf, or vestibule for umbrellas

"Private deck"=you could jump on the roof across the way IF you're spry, cuz no one else could do it and/or alley behind unit where the garbage dumpster used to sit but now homeless people have made box seats and box tables for "patio" setting

"plenty of sunlight!"=no blinds,curtains or curtain rods...walls are cement so don't even think of putting any up.

"walk to beach!"=IF you're a seasoned marathon runner, and by "beach" we mean sandy area with pee puddles behind Starbucks.

"Plenty of Privacy!"=you will live in the deep deep woods and/or 200 feet below sea level in abandoned warehouse (loft!) basement with NO windows.

And moving along to some helpful money saving hints so you can actually AFFORD one of those beauties...

ENERGY BARS....Target has boxes of balance and zone bars $3.99/6bars WITH a coupon attached for 2 more free. NOTE: you must get the 6 count boxes WITH coupon attached. IF the flavor you want has no coupon on box simply "borrow" one from other box.

TAMPONS...On sale this week TAMPAX 2/$9....they mean regular tampons, but just show up when it's busy with your "pearl" boxes and tell them "the shelf SAID 2/$9" and you will get your way.

GYMS...just breeze past the front desk and wave and say "I'm an instructor" and you will have a great free workout.

YOGA CLASSES...1st class at most studios is free, so just go to every studio once

WHOLE FOODS/COSTCO...weekend sample sample sample

CANDY/GUM/MINTS...Rite Aid often has 4/$1 on all regular hershey/reeses/nestle candy bars...AND 2/$1 on gum and otherwise expensive mints...this is cheaper than Costco AND much more room for CHOICE.

Thanks for reading Kiki's Krazy guide to Tinseltown...toon in next week for discount designer socks and how to work the Nordstrom return policy.



Granny~Van said...

LOL! I enjoyed the Kiki's unabridged LAtionary. Sooo, I take it you didn't like the apt you saw today?

So, what do they mean when they write "Immaculate"?

Anonymous said...

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peewee said...

'immaculate'=means it is so bad the only thing they can say is that it's at least clean, which doesn't account for the bullet holes in the wall.

greeps said...

OMG You are the new Rachel Ray

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