saturday night feva...

It has been SO hot here this weekend. I don't do well in heat. anything over 80 makes me cranky (okay, cranki-ER)...90 makes me insane, over 100? don't call me.

First off, when it's crazy hot in the morning, I feel ANGRY that I don't want coffee. Because I WANT coffee, but then it's too hot! I won't drink Iced in the AM so then I am just angry all day over this injustice.

Last night it was so hot that I couldn't be in any part of the house except my bedroom (only place there's an AC) so I finished reading THIS BOOK and it made me cry about 5 times. Then with nothing else to do I decided I needed to take charge of my life so I went to match.com. (I'm feeling a little pressure here because my YOUNGEST BROTHER has decided to get married. such a betrayal! and my dad kindky referred to me as 'the spinster sister)

Now, I didn't sign up or anything, but I did fill out compatibility stuff. I must say it was kinda confusing. and lame. I mean, you had to check certain categories, like under "what interests you?" they had "shopping/antiques" all in one. I didn't know if I should check it. I mean LOVE shopping, HATE HATE HATE antiques. I mean what the hell? how did those TWO VERY SEPARATE THINGS end up as ONE category? That's like "shopping/power tools" Shopping is shopping....there is no /slash!

THIS is what I got matched with. slim pickins.

CARbuffFRANK



OLD_TIMEY_FELLOW


I think Old_Timey_fellow needs a little snuggle.

dbeezkneez


And dBeezKneez? well, I just can't. I'm sorry, but thinking of a MAN who gives HIMSELF those names? I can only cringe at what our children's names would be, I can only GUESS that he's sitting at his desk AT HIS MOTHER'S HOUSE, where he LIVES, Aksing her help him with his profile.

The depressing thing about the whole compatibility match is that it makes me feel insecure... because what part of my questionnaire MATCHED ME WITH CARBUFFFRANK!?!?!?

I went through all the guys, got frustrated and then searched THIS website...MUCH less depressing, and I matched with at least TWENTY of em!

I mean, come on! how cute is arthur?!?!

When Shopping is NO fun...

I don't know why this is, but spending vast sums of money on necessities REALLY BUGS me. I went to the grove today, and normally for me, the grove is like a trip to disneyland to a 4 year old. But today, I had to get stuff like underwear (not the fun frilly kind) and tee-shirts and running shoes (THOSE were actually fun to buy) and socks. Bleckkk. And it was SO EXPENSIVE to get those stupid basics. It made me depressed.

SO depressed that I needed a few treats.

Like THIS


and THIS


and THIS

anyhoo, now I just have to lose enough weight to look good in all of it (except that bag...bags looks GREAT on me!!)

sigh. I guess this will all go well with those webkinz I also bought. I suppose for me, this week would be called a "binge" of sorts. But hey! at least I have new socks!

Jesus is turning over in his, er, bed.

I will be SERIOUSLY PISSED if whoever created THIS ends up on Oprah's couch because he/she made millions off their cute little "idea" while being stoned one night in college and WHO KNEW? it would be SUCH A HUGE SUCCESS?!?!?

But, God Bless the poor souls who actually buy any of it.

Besides, who needs to BUY a spot in Hell when we already have Ebay right here on earth?

Also, Why is Heaven always described as having "PEARLY GATES" because if I am going to go to any effort of being "good" on this earth, I want a sparkly diamond gate, with a lit nordstrom sign above it and a blinking light that says "FREE SHOES and CUPCAKES"

THIS is what mick does during the day. It's also what he does at 5:30 am to wake me up...ON MY BODY

web kinz binge

It's official. I am LAME.

I spent the greater part of the day bidding on and winning webkinz. Never heard of em? me either. Until My niece told me that's what she wanted for her birthday. So I bought some on amazon a month ago. And then Yesterday she was telling me about " Lil Kinz"....a mini version.



So, Curiosity got the best of me and I just went to SEE on ebay what Lil kinz looked like. The I saw how "cheap" they were, and I was all "I'll bid on a couple, for Annie, for like, christmas or 4th of july or something"

It is now 10pm Pacific standard time. $200 and 23 Webkinz "won" later. And 5 more in bid status.

I don't know what mental disorder this is, but I am SURE it came from my mother.

My Beautiful Mommy, part deux...

I wrote that last blog yesterday WAY too fast....I had MUCH more to say, but i was running to work, yet I still had to post. So, for those of you who thought it MIGHT be a joke...here are some of the press things...

"My Beautiful Mommy" (Big Tent Books), out this Mother's Day. It features a perky mother explaining to her child why she's having cosmetic surgery (a nose job and tummy tuck). Naturally, it has a happy ending: mommy winds up "even more" beautiful than before, and her daughter is thrilled.

The reassuring tale helped win Acosta over—she scheduled breast augmentation and a tummy tuck. Since February, when she had the surgery, she and Junior have read the book a half dozen times, and she says it helped him feel excited rather than scared. "I didn't want him to think [the surgery] was because I was hurting. It was to make me feel good," she says.

It's basically Jaw Dropping.

When I used to teach at the white trash preschool we only got books that were donated, so of course we had THE LAMEST titles. Seriously, we had "why daddy doesn't live here anymore" and "where did grandpa go?"
(that one was uplifting!) So I can only imagine that this one will arrive there in a matter of weeks, when not a single one gets sold in North Dakota.

THis Is a FUNNY article....that has some other book options that made me giggle!

Okay, that's enough. Other topic...Yesterday some high and mighty Pious Prius owner said "oh, how about THOSE LEXUS HYBRIDS? HA. That's like the hybrid for people who just want to SAY they have a hybrid!"

ahem.

SO? So what? So what if I DO want to just say I have a hybrid?

motivation to get MY books published...

I wish this were a JOKE book, a satire, like something Jay Leno would make up. But it's NOT! This is a book for kids, to explain why their mommies leave for a few days, and then come back with scary clown lips and boobs the size of melons. SERIOUSLY. This book makes me want to move to the woods and raise my children home-schooled and live off the land.

well, almost. But you get the picture.

It's amazing to me that this got published. I guess I should switch from my cute yoga book to "when mommy has an adam's apple...and other tales from tranny mom's around the globe!" Is THIS really what we get after Harry Potter?

those crazy japanese....first Hello Kitty, now this!

wee me

Now, I spent A LOT of time designing my cartoon self. I guess this is the very thing oprah would call "wasting time"

but she's cute, no?



And so I then decided to make a wee boyfriend too. his name is Jean Marc De Lessep and he's from Paris and likes Maggie best. We get starbucks together every morning and he brings me flowers DAILY. He wears SUPER cute jeans, but is totally NOT gay, just european. he wears Armani suits to work. We split our time between paris and New York.


now YOU can try it too!

Stay posted for our wee baby announcement.

oh and, Ben & Jerry just released cake batter ice cream with chocolate frosting swirl. just so you know.

horror story

"when life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade, then find someone whose life has given them vodka and have a party"

On oprah today she challenged 2 families to go ONE WEEK without computers, ipods, cell phones AND TV!! I made SURE to tivo it!! It was like worse than watching freddy kruger. I sat there all "ummm, NEVER" but then there was that little voice, that voice that I have shoved far far in the back of my brain, that said "you should do it. just one week." and then the normal part of my brain was all "NOOOO...just WATCH Oprah....don't EMULATE! IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE" And then i got all judgemental and was all "oh YAH oprah! you're REALLY one to talk!"

I don't know if I could DO that. I mean, when I go to yoga retreats, I do that, but at home? uh-uh. I mean I would go CRAZY. My dogs would sue me on Judge Judy for creating a hostile work environment, Oh, and also? they weren't allowed to do ANY shopping. not even starbucks or grocery. I broke out in a nervous sweat.

The problem is...now I feel challenged. Like I HAVE to do it. just out of pure curiosity. The mere THOUGHT of actually doing it is like the THOUGHT of starting a diet....like my brain goes to auto-reply "sure. you can DO IT....tomorrow. or next week" and then "noooo, next week is the premier of LOST, so summer! summer's good...reruns."

I need to stop all this crazy talk. Stupid oprah, who by the way was wearing Louboutins on the show she was talking about "america's excessive spending" just an observation.

My college life...

awwwwww....

I wonder if I could trade Mick and Maggie in for one of these Are they cute or what? I have ALWAYS had a propensity for furry little creatures. I had hamsters from the age of 12 to like, 22! I'd probably STILL have them if it were socially acceptable. but YAY! not only are the mini hedgehog's acceptable...but stylish too! I don't know how I went from hand held furry animals to destructive giant ones, musta been that period when I wasn't on medication. If only my animals would run on a wheel for 8 miles!
if only.

My dad also sent me this this morning....it's really cool. And also just goes to show that my "talent" for wasting away my life on the internet is CLEARLY inherited.

tuesdays are the new mondays

This is what I felt like this morning after eating half a frozen pizza last night from the Ralph's sale.



this is what my hair looked like this morning. I need a haircut.



I got these from this cute website. Which one are YOU today?!

I was GOING to do my taxes today....

FINALLY a piece of clothing Maggie would LOVE. I thought I made stupid stuff when I'm bored. Wow. Wonder if she just couldn't get to a Robert's Craft store?

sunday in the heat...

it is so insanely hot for april...99 degrees! So I am holed up inside and just watched a LIFETIME ORIGINAL MOVIE.

Yah. it's THAT bad.

BUT in my defense..it starred Dermott Mulrooney!!!! and Gretchen Mol....two of my favorites. SO I was all "it can't be THAT bad"...and also it was a movie about a book i always wanted to read, THE MEMORY KEEPER'S DAUGHTER.

IT.WAS.SO.GOOD.

I mean, it's a lifetime movie, which equals huge budget cuts and some people smoking pot on the job, hence the brand new front loading washer/dryer in a home...in 1982.

But I just finished it and I was BAWLING at the end. And it wasn't even about dogs.

So, set your tivo cuz it's GOOD. I'm still crying.

Saturday Morning in My House....

What's missing from this picture? Me on the other side of the couch with my mug of coffee watching Beverly Hills 90210 on the SOAP network.

just a few noteworthy things...

FIrst off, yesterday, my friend decided on her blog (go to her blog and read my entry, truly THE BEST) to challenge her readers to find words with the ending "MENT" in them. Well, stuff like THAT make me crazy obsessive/competitive. (I always got A's in english class)(except in college) That's why I write children's books...I am ALWAYS rhyming stupid things. So ALLLLLL day, I was thinking of MORE words that had "MENT" at the end. Everything I read, I looked for MENT. It was exhausting!

Second, wayyyyyy back in the 70's haagen dazs used to have a flavor called HONEY VANILLA....it was SOOOOO good. and then it just went away. Well, it's BACK!!! It's called honey bee vanilla...but it's the same. YAY!

Also, if you have a RALPH'S grocery store near you, then GO...they are having a CRAZY good sale! If you buy 10 sale items, ANY 10 sale items, you get $5 off your bill, right then and there. and you can get up 30 sale items in one go. So let me break this down for you. Let's SAY you buy goldfish crackers, and they are on sale for $1 each, so if you buy 10, you get $5 off! which makes them .50 cents!! ( I REALLLY wish I remotely liked those, cuz I almost just wanted to buy them for guests with kids, or something)(also you can mix and match the items! brilliant!)

I got 10 cake mixes for .50 each!! and they were betty crocker! (for, you know, all those times I make cakes) and I got 10 mini haagen dazs ice creams for .50 each!! (so what if they weren't the good flavors...they'll go well with all my cakes!)

I gotta say, they are SMART. I went in for toilet paper, and ONLY toilet paper....$65 later, I walked out with BAGS of stuff I would NEVER need and normally never buy. but it WAS SO CHEAP!!

oh yah, and cottonelle TP was $1 and kraft mac n cheese was .60 cents! I don't even EAT mac n cheese anymore....but I did tonight!

I can't believe I just wrote 4 paragraphs about Ralph's groceries. at any rate...you should go. Oh, and if you need any goldfish crackers? I will TOTALLY buy them for you!

I'll have to explain all this to jake-the-trainer when I have gained 10 lbs next week.

ALSO I lost 10 lbs in the last 2 weeks from having that deadly bird flu thing that I got from the mean streets of NY. But WHATEVER! yay sickness diet!

Also, AUGUST RUSH is like, the BEST MOVIE EVER. I even bought the soundtrack it was so good.

ALSO, My new car is a "hybrid" That is in quotes, because I'm not sure WHAT KIND of hybrid it is, like gas and....gas? I get about 4 miles more per gallon than my last car. hmmph. Boy, I'm really uh, reducing my carbon footprint there. GO GREEN!...ish. My justification for spending $14,000 MORE for the hybrid versus the regular version was ALL THE MONEY I would save on GAS! Well, good thing ralph's had that sale, cuz that's all I'm gonna be saving this year. I'm gonna have to LIVE on mac n cheese and cake mix....hmmmm.....not SUCH a bad thing.

I think that's all. Hope you don't spend YOUR day obsessing about MENT endings.

Not the boy in the bubble.

I can't believe THIS made news. Not just News, but an actual protest. This is all over a guy, who wants to make the world's biggest bubble...surrounding....AN ELEPHANT.

First of all....BOR-ING. But what's even lamer is that there is a bubble "festival" at the science center. Bubble.festival.at.the.science.center.

WHY SCIENCE? I mean, are there REALLY not enough fascinating discoveries to exhibit?

But seriously, ELEPHANTS ARE SO CUTE! I want one! I would bring it home and call it Clarence Percival. Maggie would be unhappy if I loved my elephant more than her. Her official name is Magnolia Jane Butter. She's actually total yellow-trash. She came from a backwoods breeder in Missouri and her mom's name was "QUEEN PRINCESS CORN POP" But I spruced her up, taught her manners and etiquette, until she became the prettiest most popular girl in the dog park. We don't discuss her "roots" But she'll be ready for pageants soon. very soon.

These are pictures of Mick from this morning Playing with his Teddy bear, all by himself because Maggie and I were ignoring him. I just couldn't resist because he was rolling around, tossing it up in the air on his back, catching it in his mouth, for a good 10 minutes or more. then he was just rolling on his back with the bear in his mouth, then he just fell asleep, on his back, middle of the floor, bear in mouth. I know it doesn't sound amazingly cute. but it was!

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sorry to all my fans...

I just wanted to apologize to all my fans and readers (dede) (and dad) for not blogging lately. I have been...

a. sick

b. overwhelmed with not knowing how to actually operate my new car (which was REALLY embarrassing yesterday when I was driving with my friend, showing off all the electronic stuff and she said "it's hot in here...do you even know how to turn on the air?" and I was all "YAH! duh! of course I do!" a pause. more pausing. "it's just SO nice out....let's just roll down the windows!"

c. I have had  3 issues of US weekly to get through from when I was in NY and wasn't here to get my new delivered subscriptions!!

d. Part of why I spent the greater portion of what could have been the adoption fees for a chinese baby, on a CAR, is that WITH purchase of your new shiny car, comes the Lexus waitng room where they have brand new hammacher schlemmer massage chairs, every single daily paper, WiFi, a cappuccino machine WITH flavors like chocolate and vanilla, every single magazine on a spinning rack, for your convenience, a popcorn machine like in the movies popping fresh buttery popcorn ALL.DAY.LONG, a soda machine, a plate of fresh muffins and pastries, a fridge filled with bottled water...all for FREE. (with purchase) I'm basically considering getting a condo next door. In fact, while I was waiting there for the financing to go through, I was calculating all the money I would save on coffees and stuff just by coming here every week. I was mentally going over all the friends I would invite down on saturday mornings, etc.  I have been there A LOT.

e. I've been trying to get Mick into a routine so he doesn't drive me insane. it hasn't worked.  So normally when I would be blogging, I have been walking him lots, playing with him, etc. Like, right now he is on the couch burying his face under the cushions to get at any crumbs or loose change that might be there. this morning he found a dime in there and you would have thought it was the greatest treat on the planet. And since he found the dime, I came home and every cushion was pulled off the couch. Yet, he still thinks he maybe missed a quarter or two. He's a smart dog, that one. 

f. Because I've been sick I haven't had coffee, and that means my mind gets VERY sluggish. All I can really process is The People's Court. 

That's it. See? I don't even have good excuses like "oh, I have been working SO MUCH" or "I am just sooo jet lagged from the 7 times zones I just went through!" I haven't even unpacked from NY yet. I keep stubbing my toe on my suitcase that I put in the middle of the floor to inspired me to unpack. 

anyhoo...I'm back. I'll write more from my massage chair tomorrow morning.