Friday, June 27, 2008

TGIF?...uh, no.

I'm not going to discuss Tunde anymore because I just get anxious and depressed. Although I will say that I have him for my "second" session that he coerced me into. AND he did that by the way, at the END of my session, when I my defenses were down. "Judge Judy, I WAS UNDER DURESS!!"

ho hum. I'm only writing this right now because otherwise I look at the clock every 5 minutes, going "Okay. 4 more hours and 10 minutes till I have to go tunde....Okay, 4 more hours and 5 minutes..." and so on.

I woke up at like 4 am and had one of those moments where you go over really random stuff. It starts off innocently enough and then somehow works it's way into a panic attack and then you can't get back to sleep. Mine went like this

"I'm awake. Damn. Why isn't Ambien working tonight? did I take it too early? Should I tell My shrink to give me a higher dose? Then I'd have to spend another $200. sigh. God, I have spent SO MUCH MONEY on my shrink. Also I am now spending money on Tunde. Geez, how much AM I spending now? like per month? Lets see, $800 Shrinky, NOW $800 Tunde, And $400 Lucy (maid) and don't go there. let's seeee, that's 2,000!! on services!! OMG! That's A HOUSE PAYMENT! Not to mention all my other bills! car payment! Utilities! GAS!! DOGFOOD is $150 right there!! DOG TREATS!! I don't even WANT to know how much I spend in treats. WHy do I have DOGS?? No wonder I can't afford a BABY! Maybe I'll NEVER be able to afford a baby! I need to get married just to split this stuff. And also, I could go to PARIS every MONTH for what I'm spending ON MYSELF!!! I mean I COULD HAVE HAD A HOUSE! a whole HOUSE! AHHHHHHHHH....Okay, kk, take a breath. If I had a house instead then I would just be sitting in my DIRTY house, and I'd still be CRAZY and FAT. Okay, okay, so its GOOD that's I'm spending all this. right? RIGHT? At least I have a new car. car....all is well....yawn.

OMG. 3 hours and 55 minutes....

Wednesday, June 25, 2008


( "END" of hour and FIFTEEN minute session)

( I liked when he just said 3 word sentences)

What?? bbbut....



But it's only been a WEEK


But I can't afford it




WHAT???? But we're DONE!

NO.NO.NO. (chuckles and shakes head)

but...ummm...I didn't put enough time in the meter!!


Okay! NEXT time I won't. (phew!!)


(he exits)

(dumbass girl shakily writes check for TWO sessions a week and gets on treadmill)
**note to self. Use stealth combat psychological tactic on own clients)


dread...may turn into dead...

Today is tun-day! HA. get it? HA!

Wait, it's no laughing matter. I woke up this morning all..."ahhh...wednesday. I think I'll go to...oh. yah. shit." I have a feeling of pure dread in the pit of my stomach, not unlike that one time I had to go to court and wasn't sure if the judge would throw me in the pokey. That, and when I knew my dad had run my credit report when I was 20 and the phone was ringing and I knew it was him, even before there was caller ID. Or that time I hid the cat in the mailbox and knew I was just about to get busted cuz I could hear it meowing while everyone was looking for it. Or that get the point.

The fear is two-fold. No, five-fold.

1. Will I get yelled at for my "food diary" where I lied anyway but is STILL BAD? I am not even allowed grapes and bananas! let alone ice cream drumsticks rolled in delicious chopped peanuts and fiiled with caramel sau... ahem.

2. Will I have to do the so called "sprints" and will he make it EVEN worse? like, level 6????

3. Will there be a portrait of me with a powder blue background smiling big in a cheap frame that has a gold plate that says "BARFEE OF THE MONTH"

4. What OTHER "exercises" has he saved up for me?

5. The most obvious...WILL I HOLD MY BREAKFAST DOWN?!?!?!?


M e








Monday, June 23, 2008

I'll take "Modern Tragedy" for $500....

ALEC: The answer is..."Things that happen to fat people in a gym"


ME: What is puking in a trash can!!

ALEC: That's RIGHT PeeWee! How did you KNOW that?

ME: well Alec, it's funny, well not really funny funny, but funny like wanting to die of embarrassment funny, so really NOT FUNNY AT ALL. You see, it just SO HAPPENS that I was in the bowels of Hell once, otherwise know as The Gym, and this Nigerian Mad Man made me run sprints on the treadmill, and by sprints I mean mini-marathons, and he set the speed at FIVE, AND set the incline at FIVE, Alec. (interject lighthearted chuckle) And as you see Alec, THAT? is what makes people puke in trash cans in the middle of a gym full of people! And when I say "puke" alec, I don't mean that figuratively, I mean that in the "dry heaves after puking up your morning coffee, over and over and over again kind of puke!" ha ha, chuck chuck.

ALEC: Well, THAT sounds fun!

ME: Oh Alec, it WAS fun. Especially when the people working out all around you run like crazy to get away from you. And what's even MORE fun, is when NO ONE even cares or has sympathy, when they just look at you and try NOT to laugh at you. THAT IS SO FUN!

Wednesday, June 18, 2008


Tunde Just called. I didn't answer. He left a voice message.





I think I maybe was eating ice cream when I heard that message. I can't remember. But either way. I am terrified.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Not the day to tie the knot in CA...

Today is the first official day that "the gays" in California can get officially married. , This is a huge milestone, and it's all over the news this morning, showing all the city halls flooded with crowds and crowds of gay couples getting married.

Naturally, it's mostly all lesbians rushing the altar. (SO like a woman) And when you see the news coverage, there are lines down the street of these BIG butch lesbians with mohawks, and their tiny brides-to-be.

BUT then, among this parade of biker bitches and rainbow flags and protesters with signs saying "SMILE! SATAN LOVES YOU," was this one little straight couple. All quiet. Keeping a low profile. Poor little straight couple. Boy did THEY choose the wrong day!. Talk about stealing their thunder!

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Waaaa Haaaaa

Remember when I used to complain about Jake-the-trainer?


Remember when you were in 4th grade and you thought school was ruining your life? and you couldn't WAIT to be a grown up, only to find how much it sucks to pay rent?

Well, enter Tunde (toon-day). Now close your eyes. go on. close em. Does a vision of a giant black man from South Africa who speaks in only 1 to 3 word sentences appear? The kind of African black man who wins marathons barefoot and moves to America to practice voo doo?

yah, that's him. Only, his "voo doo" is personal training. If you can call it that. It's more like in the movies when the big black African guy who speaks in 3 word sentences comes out of nowhere and says "Hello my friend," and he smiles a kind gentle powerful african smile but then he pulls out his Ak-47 and blows someone's head off.

It's more like THAT.

I'm desperate. I trained with jake on and off for 5 months and GAINED weight because I was putting on muscle and then hitting In 'n Out on the way home. So I became this like, behemoth with strong FAT arms. I thought it was just ME, like I was defective. Like I was Nick Cage in "Leaving Las Vegas" except instead of coming home with boxes of tequila, I had the Hostess Family packs. And the Costco size totino's pizza rolls.

So my "friend" was telling me about her trainer and was all "no, he's DIFFERENT. He KNOWS stuff. He KNOWS when I have eaten bread!" And then she threatened that if I didn't schedule an appointment she would stop playing scrabulous with me. (Anyone reading this? LET'S PLAY!) SO I called him.

Which brings me to my point here. HE MUST HAVE WORKED IN AFRICA in their super stealth torture regime. He was probably their "go-to-guy" for the real hard stubborn insurgents.

He makes Jake's sessions seem like a little girl's hopscotch match.

When I got there he was waiting outside. He had NEVER MET ME before and he yells across the parking lot, commencing the first of many 3 words (or less) sentences...


My stomach lurched into knots. I seriously gulped. I put on my smiley "I LOVE TO WORKOUT" face, and bouncd up to the stairs and in a way too high voice was all "hiiii-yeee! Nice to meet you!"

"YOU AH LATE." (my session was 1:30. It was 1:29)

(stammering,unsure ) umm, no? I'm...right...on..... time?



DO PUSH-UPS NOW (he looks at pavement)

silence from me.


long awkward silence




(I maybe peed my pants here)


puts his arm around me, I'm relieved AND terrified. But then huge relief like..."good, phew! this guy is only JOKING! He's funny! He's welcoming me in. I'll probably have to fill out some paperwork...



I hopped on, hit "start" and ellipticalled away. not bad. do-able. Glad he walked away for a bit, give me time to take stuff in...


where'd he come from? He was suddenly right by my side, pushing his finger on the "level" button until I couldn't breathe within 10 seconds.

and he hovered. With that weird african voo doo stare.




"umm, you mean like specifically here? like in personal training? or like personal training with you? specifically?"


"um ,well, um, see, I have gained a lot of weight? very recently? umm, since I moved to LA..."


"oh, umm, 3 years? ago."


"well, yah, umm, I mean, I just can't seem to get it off, and well, I have had a trainer, but I still ate a lot, and then Ahsley said I had to come to you so I did. and so, yah." (it was like truth serum had invaded my body)


SO hour AND FIFTEEN MINUTES of that plus some other rogue experimental tactics that probably brought down apartheid ensued.

Then he walked me out and said










He looked me RIGHT in the eye as he said all this. He was sealing his voodoo curse. I drove off in terror. I would NEVER be able to not show up, cuz this guy? will FIND ME. Better cancel my pizza and peanut butter delivery before the postman goes mysteriously "missing"

On other news, Tara, my new roommate who moved in last week, moved out. Oh yah, and she was an anorexic alcoholic and had a fake eye. Hence the apple cider vinegar. for the anorexia. not the eye. I'm not judging. I'm just saying.

Friday, June 13, 2008

spread it like you want it...

Go ahead and CLICK HERE and just SEE if you can read all these flavors and go without ordering. go ahead. see.

This brings 'eating peanut butter straight outta the jar' to a WHOLE new level. And I don't even LIKE eating peanut butter outta the jar!

My order will arrive in sync with my pizza delivery . And I swear I'll call JENNY after that.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008


I have Martha Stewart on for background TV while I play scrabulous on Facebook (I should really get up and DO something like take a walk or plant some summer herbs) (nah) and Martha had this young blonde personal trainer on, and they were lying on a yoga mat preparing to do crunches and the trainer was all....



and the trainer was all...OH! WELL YOU AND I USED TO DO 500

and martha was all...I STILL DO 500 crunches a day and I STILL HAVE A BIG TUMMY!! (she grabbed her NOT big tummy)

and there was a slight pause and then the trainer goes...THAT'S BECAUSE THERE'S SO MUCH GOOD FOOD AROUND HERE!!!

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA. I think what Martha was going for was "NO YOU DON'T MARTHA!"

ahhh, that just cracked me up.

Back to scrabulous...


I just ate a sprinkles cupcake for, ummm, lunch. and I went to throw the wrapper on the coffee table and before the wrapper even hit the table maggie had bolted from the other side of the room and INHALED it whole, and then literally did a loud "gulp" sound.

that's my girl!

ps. I don't know WHERE she learned that kind of behavior!


I have nothing to say because I just filled up my gas tank for SEVENTY DOLLARS.



THAT? is the cost of a nice shirt for me. I quite literally feel sick to my stomach. speechless.

Monday, June 09, 2008

Time to get THOSE DOGS in shape!

FINALLY! SOMETHING I WILL ACTUALLY DO I mean I my dogs NEED discipline! and training! and exercise!

It starts June 30, so I better start getting in shape so my own dogs don't out do me in physical fitness, which they SO will. I work THEM out every single morning. A whole hour of hard core running, while I stand there and throw the ball.

I actually went to yoga on saturday. weird huh. I actually DID yoga. There's a new place literally one block away. well, it's not new, I've been passing it everyday on my way to work. But new TO ME. I kept hearing how good it was and my friend called me that morning saying he was going, and as he was telling me that, I was shoving last night's pizza in my mouth. Then I figured, HEY, I better go!

Two things.
#1 the teacher asked everyone if they had any injuries. BIG MISTAKE. DON'T EVER OPEN THAT CAN OF WORMS.

YOGA GUY: my hamstring is bothering me.

YOGA GIRL: I hurt my shoulder a few days ago, but it should be okay.

ANNOYING YOGA CHICK FROM HELL: Well, I just lost my job, so I feel stressed and tired. I have interviews next week, which helps, but also makes me feeling nervous this morning too. but I'm also hopeful, because I have worked hard an am TALENTED so I feel the universe has good things in store, but it's just hard because I just don't KNOW what's in store, and THAT's the hard part, you know?

a beat...

AYCFH: I mean, that's what yoga teaches me, so I'm glad I'm here. Sigh. REALLY GLAD I'm here. Because my body just needs to be reassured, and to RELAX and I mean, i even got a massage yesterday, but it's just not the same a yoga, you know? Energetically i just need to MOVE through some stuff.....

I tuned out after that because, she DID go on. Part of me was glad though, because every minute she talked, was one less minute of having to do hard yoga.

#2 IF YOU ARE TEACHING A TWO HOURclass you need to WARN people!! also she chanted.

But it WAS a good hard class, surprisingly. It's just that this studio attracts SO MANY hippie yoga people who want to SHARE their feelings. Like, they're just being cheap moochers, because, people! THAT'S WHAT SHRINKS ARE FOR!!!

Saturday, June 07, 2008

Put a little smile on your face this morning...

This is THE cutest thing EVER. make sure you watch the video too...PRICELESS.

Maggie, for the record, would NEVER do that. She didn't get the maternal instinct. in fact when I brought Mick home at 6 weeks, he immediately tried to nurse from her, and she not only looked at him like "WTF?" but also kicked him away with her hind legs. repeatedly.

WHole other note...This girl from chicago took my classes in Tulum, she wasn't part of our group, but she was crusty and we all loved her immediately. Well, as a 'thank you' she shipped me a Malnati's chicago pizza! Woohoo! I wasn't THAT excited because I have been to chicago and wasn't crazy about their pizza, and also, how good can a frozen pizza be? However, I immediately put it in the oven and I will say here and now, it was THE BEST PIZZA I have EVER had!! In fact, i may even order a couple more for a treat. I am also planning these for different presents. Seriously, when you don't know what to get someone, GET THESE!! They seem expensive, but I promise they're WORTH it! Trust me. (even though I eat hostess stuff)

Friday, June 06, 2008


What are YOU gonna do to celebrate this most sacred of days?? I mean, you know, everyone needs to do THEIR PART. And for my part I made us a little song...

by kk

Fryaround, every now and then I get a
little bit hungry and you're never open la-ate.
Fryaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit tired of eatin' all that bran cereal.
Fryaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit nervous that the best of all the donuts are gone.
Fryaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit terrified and then I see the fritters in the window.

Fryaround maple bars, Every now and
then I eat hostess.
Fryaround maple bars, EVERY NOW AND THEN I

Fryaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit restless and I dream of something fri-ied.
Fryaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit angry cuz someone ate the Jelly filled and then li-ied
Fryaround, Every now and then I get a
little bit terrified but then I see the dozen size box.

Fryaround chocolate twists, Every now and
then I pull apar-art
Fryaround chocolate twists, EVRY NOW AND THEN I PULL APART!

And I need you now tonight
And I need you more than ever
And if you'll only let me take a bite
We'll be fryin' on forever
And we'll only be making 'em right
Cause we'll never frost wrong together
We can take it to the front of the line
Your rainbow sprinkle is like a shadow on me all of the time
I don't know what to do and I'm always eatin' in the dark
We're living in a Winchelle's and giving off sparks
I really need you tonight
Donut Sale's gonna start tonight
Donut Sale's gonna start tonight

Once upon a time I was buying a twist
But now I'm gonna buy a fry cart
There's nothing I can do
A total Eclair of the heart
Once upon a time there were buttermilk bars in my life
But now there's only glazed in the park
Nothing I can say
A total Eclair of the heart


Thursday, June 05, 2008

NATIONAL DONUT DAY!!!! FOR REAL....why don't they tell us this stuff?

Tomorrow is National Donut Day! Talk about the BEST. HOLIDAY. EVER. (Sorry baby Jesus, maple glazed beats world salvation) I feel like this is the one thing that has been missing my hole life (HA! get it!?) I am making it my new mission in life to MAKE SURE this holiday gets the proper recognition. I will be successful as soon as I see a hallmark card about it.

In the meantime, this gives my utah readers JUST enough time to fed-ex me a dozen from Banbury Cross. Rainbow sprinkle, maple bars and chocolate old fashioned please.

And Since I now OWN THIS I can return the favor when anyone comes to visit! And/or take you to STAN's Donuts, which is NOTHING compared to banbury Cross, but is the best LA has to offer.

New Roommate

HA! not her. I just posted her so in case you were sitting down with your egg McMuffin and checking my plucky blog, you might choke and spew coffee. You know, just a little morning humor!

I rented out my guest room for the summer, and this girl was a friend of a friend in NY. Well, not even a friend, she was a fellow washington square dog park-er so immediately I knew 2 things.

1) she would be crazy. medicate-able, but still.

2) she could have hippie genes in her buried somewhere.

Last night i came home from work and she had unpacked some stuff. I sniffed around everything more than the dogs did. I became nervous when I saw organic items in the fridge from whole foods. Not just organic, but ORGANIC stuff that looks foreign, like it was packaged by a little old chinese lady in her hut on her farm where she grows exotic medicinal herbs.

There were 'vitamins' I had never heard of. Vitamins that were spelled with letters AND numbers. little bottles of creepy looking liquids where the lid is a dropper. I opened the cupboards to find "salmon jerky" ( I mean. REALLY?) and the biggest bottle of organic apple cider vinegar I have ever seen.

uh oh.

I looked for ANY sign of a hostess product.

So I called out "Tara?" (I needed more info here) and she came out of her room and we were both all "Hiiiiiii"


ME: I'm so glad you're here! Did you, um, find everything okay? (trying to peer over her shoulder to see what's in her room)(if there was incense we'd have to have a "talk")( I never had her sign a lease for this very reason)(see? People's court ain't just for entertainment)

HER: YAH! It's so great here!

ME: good! Well, you know if you need anything or have any questions feel free to ask :) I'll be watching TV...I watch A LOT of TV! ha ha chuck chuck ( didn't want to give TOO many details here, like WHAT I watch on TV...just puttin' feelers out here) Do You?

HER: Well, I didn't have cable in New York...

(I think I fell over dead her and she had to revive me. I don't know because my mind went blank. Was there running water where she's from? HUGE. RED. FLAG. I went right back to the time I got a roommate in Utah, and she came over and said she'd be moving in her SNAKES that weekend but don't worry because they'll stay in their snake cage, which she had custom built as a coffee table, you know, so you could put your feet up on the snake cage while watching the evening news....)

HER:....I just was never home and when I was I would just rent whole dvd series of Law and order and anything else like it.

ME: !!!!!!!!! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! (One plus for her!)

HER: yah. it would get bad because I wouldn't go out all weekend, I'd just pull the curtains closed and watch back to back law and order ALLL DAY. I couldn't stop!

sister? are you my real long lost sister?

ME: Yah, I do that too!

MASSIVE conversation ensued about Law and Order do's and don'ts and every other TV series in the world. I was in heart with her. The hippie food I had witnessed earlier I had shoved into the back of my brain.

ME: (making good segue into food) So we have GREAT delivery stuff around....u vegetarian? ( I said this SO nonchalantly, but on the inside it was, I imagine what it feels like for a guy to propose, and that space in between the asking and the yes/no)

HER: NO! are you?

ME: (HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF)(The blood and color came back to my face) NOOO! no. I was just curious, you know, I mean, I totally don't CARE if you are, I mean, lots of people are, I have friends who are, and I'm totally FINE with it. I mean. i have been vegetarian before (chocodiles have no meat products) and I LOVE vegetables and all. Just wondering.

HER: yah...well I just went shopping so if you want any of it, I got a big bottle of apple cider vinegar and some Kefir and salmon jerky. So if you want any, help yourself!

ME: Oh. Oh! that's soooooo sweet of you. I mean, I brought dinner, but uh, thanks. sooooo what do you do with the apple cider vinegar? I mean is it a drink, orrrrr, a condiment to your salmon jerky?

HER: I just drink it with each meal because it's supposed to be really good for your stomache.

I almost puked at the thought of it.

ME: mmmm. I think I've heard something like that before. But unfortunately, I am totally allergic to apple cider vinegar. It's a weird like family thing. vinegar. yah, my mouth itches and stuff when I have it. ( I say this with grave disappointment like I was saying i was allergic to coffee) But thanks!

she is SO not my sister. But whatever, to each his own. I wonder if this is the kind of disappointment a parnet feels when their children don't turn out the way they'd hoped. When perfect little bobby comes home in a pink dress, or when little amy sue gets arrested for her porn ring in 6th grade.

That was day ONE. This morning I came back from the park and the whole house REEKS of apple cider vinegar. So I made coffee and I am sitting here in my den drinking coffee hoping the smell of coffee would trump the ACV and it does not. In fact my stomach is churning because I am drinking coffee and inhaling APPLE CIDER VINEGAR. What? did she spray it around the house? I can't escape it.


She's super nice and cute, but how am I going to get over this!? And in THE MORNING?! WHO DRINKS APPLE CIDER VINEGAR IN THE MORNING!!

This will be interesting. maybe it's just the thing I need to get me outta the house, and KEEP me out. She better deliver on the TV end though.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Welcome to Barkingham Palace, please leave your shoes at the door.

I went shopping online for extra deluxe dog beds in an effort to MAYBE keep them off the furniture. pfff...right. I was shocked to see how insanely expensive they are now. And quite frankly, how insane they are in general. CHeck out this one. Next thing out...the kraft-matic-adjustable bed for dogs.

I bought the mini-couch looking one. It was between that and the pillow top one. I went with the couch one because I DON'T EVEN HAVE A PILLOW TOP BED!! And I purchased it with GREAT hesitation. I mean. really, they only deserve the Costo special. But the thing is, costco beds are SO UGLY! They'll probably still lie on the couch, but at least I tried.

Here were some other favorites that made me laugh out loud...

Oh, that last one cracks me up...I almost want to buy it just to laugh. God, If I got them one of these beds, next thing you know they'd be lying around waiting for me to feed them grapes while they read US weekly with mimosas.

Oh, and if you EVER come visit me and I actually HAVE one of these bad boys, it's time for an intervention.

Oh, and PS....If I buy two of the mini couch ones, they would total the same price as my regular couch. nice.

Monday, June 02, 2008

working dogs...

Cesar Milan the Dog Whisperer says dogs NEED a job. That they are seriously unhappy unless they have a JOB to do, a job where they get to work A LOT.


I am thinking, given the choice, Mick and Maggie would be perfectly HAPPY on welfare, living in a double wide, getting drunk off the snausages they buy with their food stamps, and giggling themselves into a frenzy when they watch dog whisperer, convincing themselves that they DO work, work on creating the next great screenplay. They are ARTISTS. And artists work to CREATE. And how? can they create when they have to have a stupid job. Anyways, they say. they are SMARTER that those Caesar Dogs. Way Smarter. And then it's time for a nap. Because artists need their rest.

Cesar also says dog's energy matches their owners.


CLEARLY he doesn't know EVERYTHING.

Sunday, June 01, 2008

My six degrees away from fame...still milkin it...

You know where she's going? any idea? any?

MY YOGA CLASS! She is on her way to see ME! That's the escalator up to MY CLASS!!

I better stay by her side now as she enters and leaves so I can be in the background.

someday. someday.

Oh, and by the way I DID NOT TAKE these pictures. I didn't have my camera that day would NEVER stalk someone like that!

I'm back. blah.

Well, I suppose the one good thing about being on american soil is that I can now post pics.

oh, and my dogs. there's that.

I'll start with boring pics that everyone takes on their vacations....except mine was a WORKING vacation let's not forget. And then they will get excitingly better!

"HEY! Check out those drunks yoga people on the beach!!"

This is a VERY important picture of the TACO TRUCK!!! I ate about 30 tacos in 24 hours. What? they were little!...and $1, which made it VERY easy to keep ordering. And plus, sometimes we ordered quesadillas, and those don't count.

Stalk-a-razzi 101. It's a start. You can run Kate, but you can't hide.

Told you it would get better!! And if I could have taken a picture of the mexican version of the twinkie, called "tuinky" I would have.

PS. To all the women over 40 who go off on yoga retreats because you want to dress in tight yoga clothes and pretend to be youthful again....

pigtails? no.