Monday, March 16, 2009

THIS POST RATED PG-30

Top 10 Reasons NOT to take a yoga class when you're 'paying your monthly bill,' as it were.


10. When the teacher says "think peace" when you're in a pose with your muscles shaking and sweat pouring in your ear canal you in fact THINK "I'll show you a PIECE of my FIST ASSHOLE!!" ( I tend to get thought terrets)

9. When your idiot 'actor' roommate says "did you just teach a class?" and you say "no, I just took one" and then he says "ATTA GIRL!!"  You will be too tempted to evict his sorry unemployed actor ass onto the streets.

8. Because when you do a "twist" you can feel it squeezing the life out of your already crampy ovaries.

7. Because you WILL drink a hot coffee AND take an antidepressant AND a handful of advil just to make yourself GO to said class and you will want to puke both of them up when you're in a headstand. 

6. When the guy behind you farts and it makes you wanna pass out you will imagine wrapping your mat around his smelly throat and choking him to death. 

5. Yoga doesn't make your feel meditative during this time. It makes you very violent.

4. When the teacher says in calming voice "FEEL YOUR BODY" which means NOTHING, you wanna be all "You're gonna FEEL my foot kicking  you in your junk"

3. Yoga will only make you hungry and you will come home and eat an entire box of girl scout samoa cookies with a  Nutella chaser...straight outta the jar.

2. You will be so tired and sore you will pass out and forget taking your dogs out and said dogs will wake you up at 2 am to go.

AND NUMBER 1 reason....

1. You are SO bloated that when you bend over in a pose your "stretchy yoga pants" they will be stretched to max capacity and you WILL feel a big rip, right in the vicinity of your sunshine hole and will be forced to do every pose thereafter with your legs tightly closed. 

20 comments:

Kristina P. said...

These are awesome. I will definitely try to split my pants next time.

dede said...

you really ripped your yoga pants - ha ha ha! why are you eating samoas when there are thin mints?? atta girl is enough to kick out the roomie!

you know, I have never tried nutella

dede said...

I am glad I am over 30 - that was funny!!

rychelle said...

"atta girl"?!?

i knew i should have insulted/assulted him when i had the chance.

Lady of Perpetual Chaos said...

Ah ha ha ha....sunshine hole! Love it! I must say, I love your yoga rage. I will definitely think of this next time I do yoga. ;o)

peewee said...

I think I ate some thin mints too. It's all a blur.

3 Bay B Chicks said...

I really need to stop eating when I read your posts. When I got to #6, about the guy farting, I nearly had to give myself the heimlich.

In my renewed commitment to your blog, I also went back and read the Stalker post. At first, I was nervous that you were going to link to me...and then I was sad when it wasn't me.

It is a strange, strange world.

-Francesca

peewee said...

well Francesca...when you COME VISIT ME, THEN you will be my stalker! But I have a feeling I might officially stalk u first :)

Megan said...

OMGoodness! LMAO!!

Stupid AF!!

Carin said...

You just reminded me...Dede bought me aprox. 10 boxes of girl scout cookies and I haven't seen them since Danny unloaded the car!!!!

Meg said...

Too funny. I have had a similar experience myself. Except ripping my yoga pants. I've never done that.

seriously? said...

All of these are reasons I CANNOT do yoga. Too stressful AND my yoga pants would rip even without bending over...go figure. :)

CynthiaK said...

Death to Girl Guide cookies.

Oh, that was a great post. Hope the next class (if you go back!) is better. And, I hope you get new pants. ;)

Counselormama said...

Ugh! That just sucks! Your roommate better get some work soon! Since he's an actor and all, tell him to act less like an @ss! ha ha!

abalone said...

T.M.I.

Kathy B! said...

I keep thinking that I would like yoga. And every time I start seriously considering the 7:00 class I wander over here, and I get a little scared.

Sorry to here that the semi-hot actor still hasn't discovered his true role -- eye candy -- and is still talking.

Hillbilly Duhn said...

LMAO at sunshine hole....too funny!

and paing your monthly bill..haha that's a new one, I've never heard it called such, but i like it!

houndlvr67 said...

I ONLY do kickboxing when I'm "payin the bill"...very therapeutic...plus I'm in such an aerobic "state" that I don't even contemplate my ovaries..if just for ONE hour :)
Hey don't cha know that it's the season for the peep and reeses egg sandwich ?

Kris said...

At least you only have THOUGHT tourettes. I think I have actual verbal tourettes. Or low self control. I can't decide which.

peewee said...

houndlvr.....WHAT?!?!? A reeses and peeps sandwich?? That sounds SO disgusting that I am running out to get the ingredients NOW! Any color peeps? or is there one that works best? Purple perhaps? Standard yellow? I can't WAIT! And now? You've solved my dinner dilemma!!