Top 10 Reasons NOT to take a yoga class when you're 'paying your monthly bill,' as it were.
10. When the teacher says "think peace" when you're in a pose with your muscles shaking and sweat pouring in your ear canal you in fact THINK "I'll show you a PIECE of my FIST ASSHOLE!!" ( I tend to get thought terrets)
9. When your idiot 'actor' roommate says "did you just teach a class?" and you say "no, I just took one" and then he says "ATTA GIRL!!" You will be too tempted to evict his sorry unemployed actor ass onto the streets.
8. Because when you do a "twist" you can feel it squeezing the life out of your already crampy ovaries.
7. Because you WILL drink a hot coffee AND take an antidepressant AND a handful of advil just to make yourself GO to said class and you will want to puke both of them up when you're in a headstand.
6. When the guy behind you farts and it makes you wanna pass out you will imagine wrapping your mat around his smelly throat and choking him to death.
5. Yoga doesn't make your feel meditative during this time. It makes you very violent.
4. When the teacher says in calming voice "FEEL YOUR BODY" which means NOTHING, you wanna be all "You're gonna FEEL my foot kicking you in your junk"
3. Yoga will only make you hungry and you will come home and eat an entire box of girl scout samoa cookies with a Nutella chaser...straight outta the jar.
2. You will be so tired and sore you will pass out and forget taking your dogs out and said dogs will wake you up at 2 am to go.
AND NUMBER 1 reason....
1. You are SO bloated that when you bend over in a pose your "stretchy yoga pants" they will be stretched to max capacity and you WILL feel a big rip, right in the vicinity of your sunshine hole and will be forced to do every pose thereafter with your legs tightly closed.