Friday, March 13, 2009

one year ago

Today is the 1 yr date of when my dog Beck died. I told myself I could cry all I wanted for a year. I know that this is what Jewish people do when someone dies and it made a lot of sense to me.

This time last year I was a WRECK. For weeks. I left for NYC the next day and took Maggie with me. I couldn't even be in my house or neighborhood without him. I remember being on the plane thinking "I don't even care if it crashes." This pain was so bad I thought it just would never be better. I thought i would never be happy again. I wondered how people lost children and spouses and how they could possibly cope. On St. Patrick's Day a few days later I drank 6 (SIX!!) appletinis. (what? they're GREEN) That didn't help in the way I was hoping it would. (though I did feel pretty good for a few hours)

But THANK GOD I have yoga in my life. (and ambien) Because one of the reasons I became a teacher is that yoga made me understand that pain comes and goes in different degrees. And I just kept telling myself that it would get better, even if I didn't totally believe it in that moment.

So, it's one year later now. I don't cry everyday. or every week....but maybe once a month. And though I will ALWAYS miss him, I don't cry every time I see his picture. I am WAY more patient with the other two...especially one in particular who constantly is in need of my patience. And SOMEtimes, when I'm in a particularly mean mood, I think of him, and how he was NEVER in a mean mood and how he would want me to be nicer. SOMEtimes. But hey, sometimes is better than no times!

So, I'm taking my dogs swimming today and they get extra treats. It was nice to give myself a whole year. Yay Jewish people!

And now it's nice to know that I can stop crying now and look at his pics and smile.



rychelle said...

and now I'M crying!

can't wait to see you on sunday. :)

Kathy B! said...

I'm glad you're better and feeling more grounded about your loss. You said you don't know how people lose spouses and children and go on? I think you shouldn't minimize the depth of your loss like that. It's the amount of love that you pour into the husband/child/pet/whatever that determines the gravity of the emotion. Having no formal training and no personal experience in any of those situations I have no idea why I feel compelled to speak! But I really do think that's how it works...

Thank God for yoga!!! Where else can you learn to wrap your leg behind your neck and get through tough times : )

Kristina P. said...

Oh, he's so beautiful! I'm so sorry for your furry loss.

3 Bay B Chicks said...

OK. Now I feel like a giant ass after my last comment. You are in mourning.

I am so sorry to read about your dog. He was lovely and super happy.

It is always good to look back on those that have had an impact on our life. I still think back fondly to my childhood dog. In the end, I agree with Kathy B! (She is wise.) It is not who the actual creature is that you lose, but the hole in your heart that they leave behind.


peewee said...

FRANCESCA! I am not in mourning anymore! I laughed my ass off at your needy stalker ways....I mean, last comment!

And kathy're awesome!

Meg said...

Rocky, my cat and Truman's sister, had a stroke one day which I discovered when I got home from work. Seven hours later, I was advised by the vet to let her go since she was too sick to be able to come home anytime soon.

Truman had just turned 11 when he stated to slow down. He began having dental problems, didn't want to play much, but otherwise seemed fine. It turns out we were beginning a long, and expensive, battle with cancer. Eight months later I ended his pain when I realized he had lost his eyesight.

I was a complete mess through both of those times. Losing a cat suddenly vs. losing one gradually made no difference. After losing Rocky, I still had Truman. After losing Truman, I wasn't sure I was going to get over it. It took me a year and four months to be ready to get a new cat.

I absolutely understand what you're talking about. I'm also beginning to think Elvis is my Mick. Oh, and thanks a bunch for making me cry on the bus! Like they don't already think I'm crazy enough as it is.

Counselormama said...

We had to put our 13 yo Lab down on March11, 2008. I was so sad, but now finally we are looking for a dog again. I was so depressed she was our baby way before I had kids!

Granny~Van said...

Okay, Beck was THE BEST dog EVER! He even made Stario and I consider getting a dog (okay, it was a fleeting thought...still a thought more than we had)!!

peewee said...

Seriously? I LOVE this blog. You guys are so awesome!! some of your comments made ME cry. Someday we need to have a blogference...where we ALL meet!

Annie Miller said...

If there's anyone that understands it's me! I hope you aren't too sad today. What a cute dog!

Carin said...

I love the way he would always watch your every move...he seemed so easy going...even when Mick was running circles around him :)

This is a perfect dog.happy.smiley photo! I love that tongue! :P


forever folding laundry said...

Aww, don't you love it when dogs smile?? =)


Karen said...

What a sweet looking dog. Was he a yellow lab? I had one of those and he was the best dog ever. The kids just loved him and he was so playful. He passed on a few years ago of old age. We still miss him.

dede said...

what a great post -
what great comments!

that picture would make anyone smile!!

have fun w/ rychelle today - jealous!!

Lady of Perpetual Chaos said...

Looking at that picture of that happy dog makes me smile. And the post made me tear up, too. A friend is a friend and should be mourned when they are lost. You've got a great heart.

Megan said...

What a sweet pup. I'm glad you're doing better now. I can't imagine losing my Chewers, my baby.