OTHER People's pets....

Why is it that we LOVE our own pets so much? I feel like I am COMPLETELY objective when I say that my yellow lab is the cutest most entertaining dog EVER. I have seen some amazing dogs that don't belong to me, some smarter than Maggie, Some more clever, but never cuter. Maggie can do no wrong. when she jumps up on people I marvel at how friendly and excited she gets. so full of life. Her cute habit of stealing socks makes me melt everytime I put one on and there are big doggy teeth marks. I just laugh and shake my head and say "awwww maggie...you are such a naughty bad dog" (in the tone of voice only a mother uses as she coos to her newborn) When she peed on my friend's rug when she was a puppy I said "aww...poor girl, she's just SO excited to see you! She only does that when she sees YOU. isn't that sweet?"

BUT when other people's dogs come over to MY house I just want to scream at my friends "can't you train that fucking dog? jesus christ he keeps peeing EVERYWHERE!" Or when last night I was babysitting my friend's welsh terrier (they are totally stubborn)(hyper)(and dumb)and he kept barking all night, and then I put him in the laundry room and he just kept throwing himself against the door, or how he ran out of the house and would NOT return when I called.
I wanted to KILL this dog.
I couldn't drop him off fast enough. And then I wondered all day why anyone would want a dog like that when they COULD have a dog like mine. A dog who comes when she's called, doesn't bark (at night) and would never misbehave at someone else's house.(unless she was SUPER excited to see them)(but that's sweet)
When I got home after work tonight I just sat on the floor snuggling my perfectly behaved cute sweet dogs, SO grateful at how lucky I was to have them. How lucky I was that they weren't like that OTHER dog.

Then I suddenly understood my step mom...except I was such a GOOD kid!

madonna madonna madonna

K, I just wanted to say that I went to Madonna in Vegas yesterday and I am going to join her following. she is my leader. I am 35 yrs old and acted like a spazzed out retarded teenager. (and I mean 'retarded' in the funny way)(ha ha funny)(not corky and amanda funny)I stayed up all nite, flew home in the wee AM and taught 3 classes. REEKING of smoke and booze no doubt. whatever. I don't care what THEY think! I can make it alone. I can make it alone. I can make it alone....

youth is gone and wasted when...

K, My friend and I agreed to meet at Nordstom's at the Mall today to get in some shopping time. She's my oldest friend from way way back in Kindergarten, where we competed for biggest class liar. We were both stressed out and tired, so much so that not even triple mocha's could cure it. SO after we sucked down the coffees we decided to get some drinks.
at.the.mall.
We went to some chain bbq type place, ordered from THE DRINK MENU...ME=key lime martini HER=pomegranate margarita (we wouldn't have even dared order those in high school for fear of being carded)and some wings to top it off. After another round of kiddie drinks, we were nice and drunk.
at.the.mall.
then we had to WALK THROUGH the mall to get to our cars. we were drunk. teens passed us and snickered. we are officially has-beens. To top off the evening, we go to her car and she pulls forward RIGHT over the curb thingie, throwing us and our nordy bags everywhere. we are laughing so hard that she is snorting and I can't breath. My new shoes were still safe though, as I had placed them in her baby car seat. Then she swerved her way to my car. Um, good thing MALL SECURITY didn't pull us over cuz I don't even think they know how to issue DUI's in a mall parking lot.

Dog Park in Pasadena

They opened the first dog park here in Pasadena, and I was so excited because I am tired of playing with the dogs in the local park and being paranoid of cops giving me a ticket. I mean, I am there so early all the good drug deals are still happenning, and yet I would be the one the cops stopped. I just know it.

anyhoo, I am used to the dogparks in NYC where sure, you have your handful of paranoid crazy freakshows, but we all coexist peacefully. There is an unwritten CODE in NY, that says, sure my Lab may attack your pug, but haha, dogs will be dogs...but please, if your ugly ass labradoodle (ummm, it used to be called a MUTT) takes my dog's ball, then we WILL have a confrontation if you don't give it back. AND it's all perfectly acceptable.

WELL here, in suburbia, no one knows what the hell to do with a dogpark, they don't follow the RULES. They freak out if there is so much as a good lab-lab-rottweiller on top of french bulldog pile-up. They bring their KIDS and their kids cry when fluffy gets gang-raped but a couple 'a weiner dogs. They try to DISCIPLINE my dogs by saying,(to the dog) and I QUOTE "well well, now aren't you a mean one this morning. You need to tell your mommy you need some discipline." (all so I could hear of course) And then the big mexican maid who brings her Boss's 180 lb rottweiller who does steal my 70 lb arthritic dog's ball and she laughs, shrugs her shoulders and says "ah well, he no know what his ball is. he like every ball. HAHAHAHAHA." and then she half heartedly adds "Rocky! Rocky! Oh, jew are bad doggy! HAHAHAHA. jew are bad ball doggy! HAHAHAHA! I say-ed you geeev doggy his ball you bad doggy HAHAHAA!" and then she just leaves...her, rocky, and my dog's only source of morning happiness.

best OLD friends...

When I drive to and from classes (25 miles LA traffic, to and from)(so we're talking anywhere from 30 mins to 2.5 hours) instead of becoming full of road rage and then taking it out on students later, I just hunker down in my deli-mart of a front seat, mocha snugly in the cupholder, water bottle in my lap, phone in one hand, steering wheel in the other (unless I need a sip of my mocha)and I call my best friend and we chat for the whole time. We amuse ourselves with tales of forgetting our keys, screaming at the Nordstrom's clerks for not giving us back our credit cards and then finding them an hour later in our pocket...that sorta thing.
And then I call her on the way home too(she had left me a voicemail saying she had 'exciting news' for me)(was kinda scared she MIGHT be preg...has 4 kids, me has none) and today the conversation took a nose dive (which is pretty bad considering we usually spend hours on end discussing people from reality shows as if they were our childhood companions) she asked me how my day was, etc, (her exciting news for me was that IN TOUCH and LIFE & STYLE were 25cents this week!) and before I knew it we were discussing brangelina!
HER: I am SO SICK of angelina jolie!
ME: I KNOW! I mean, i am not JUDGEMENTAL or anything, especially since we don't REALLY know what goes on...BUT...GAWD she is such a selfish mom!
HER: I KNOW what is WITH her obsession with africa!? and I read in IN TOUCH that her new baby is sick and she won't even come home to care for it!
ME: UGH! seriously, even if that's not true, she is so crazy!
HER: seriously!
ME: I mean I don't even have kids, so I'm not one to talk, but If I did have a baby, and I really do want a baby. SOON. seriously I really do want a baby.
HER: yah! you know...I got an email about someone from somewhere who doesn't want this baby.
ME: uhhh, someone from somewhere? in an email? VANESSA! I don't want a CRACK baby!
HER: NO! it's not a CRACK baby! It's a normal baby. boy I think. but it's still little! And besides I met these 2 girls from church and they were like 18 and both of them were crack babies and THEY're fine!
ME: I thought our ANgelina conversation was bad. and now we're debating crack babies.
HER: hahahahaha...yah! We're such grandmas!! hey! I stole a shirt from you at Xmas and you never even noticed.

This was the exact conversation. no names were changed, no sentences deleted to protect anyone.

GOd I love the LA commute!

head shots...

I just had to have a "photo shoot" for my work. I teach yoga. (I know I know...but somebody who hates pachouli and hippies HAS to be amongst the pious bunch) So I had to not only put my fat ass body into yoga poses, but also I had to make sit-com faces while doing so. I felt like Teddy Ruxpin. Eyes all wide, big fake smile, chubby body, posing for the lense. I mean the last time I had a photo shoot was in high school for yearbook shots when I had to sneak my way into a group of friends and pretend to be having a "blast" with people who's lockers I would eventually break into to steal their prom pictures so I would have prom pictures in my wallet. The best year was senior year when I really had no friends so I scrambled for a group to join and I ended up with the "cholas". I guess though, that it was better than the year I ended up with the religious girls who toyed with the idea of being nuns, and they looked all sweet and innocent in braids and there was me with short spikey eighties hair and frosted lipstick. ahhhhh...how I LOVE photo shoots...

yah.uh.huh.

K, so after class tonight I had the ultimate "reality check," as it were. This sweet (read: mean and spiteful) asian lady comes up to me and says "when your baby due?" I was leaning over, so I looked up because I THOUGHT she was talking to another student, but she was looking at me. HOPING I heard wrong, I said "huh?" and she said "your baby due next week?" (stupid stupid bitch!) So apparently, not only do I look pregnant, but I look 9 months pregnant?!!!!!!! Come ON! okay okay, I put on a few...but 9 MONTHS!?@! I hate everyone.

diet days...

Dieting seems soo, 80's. I ve probably been on one my entire life, since I have memories, I have diets. I can remember any era, every old picture, which diet I was on. I'm not gonna bore you with all the detailed diets, you know them all anyway. But do you remember the "drops" diets. those super expensive weird drops you could at first, only buy from "drop dealers" and then you could buy them at a cart in the mall. and they were NASTY and you put them in grapejuice and they were supposed to be a magic weight loss something or other. God...what was in those drops? I wonder if they ever ended up at the 99 cent store on the shelves with smurf party hats and rainbow brite bedspreads?
Anyhoo, I swore off diets for many years, but I was still yoyo-ing with weight. So I decided for medical reasons (read reference to "becoming crazy like my mother")to finally diet and stick with it to the END. We'll see how that goes. It's been a week...and a BAD week at that and I have stayed "clean." I'm only even writing about it right now because I just can't watch the entire "idol" voting results and NOT wanna eat ice cream, girl scout cookies (they call my name everytime I open the freezer for ice cubes for my protein shake) and anything else in my freezer. SO I write.

mochas with whip are the new 'gateway' drug...

Seriously, I just had a triple mocha at my favorite coffee place, with whip, after 5 dieting days of just coffee with soy milk,(I felt I deserved a treat, and a treat for me is the triple mocha and the new 'in touch weekly')(lindsay lohan has a new movie coming out)and I figured, okay mochas aren't THAT bad. It's not like I'm eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's or anything CRAZY like THAT! It's do-able in diet land to have a mocha, and then just skip lunch and have a sensible dinner of salad leftovers...and as I was drinking it I had new thoughts of "hey why don't I just have a 'treat' lunch @ taco bell too?" and then as I was reading about Tom hank's hair in Da Vinci Code, I thought "and after taco bell I could just have another 'treat' of onion rings, and well, screw the whole day then, I'll just have a 'treat' day! and then I caught myself. It never can be just a mocha....sigh.

ummmm

I just taught a class, took a class and had a big healthy type salady type dinner. and I AM BEAT. my joints ache and when I got up to go to the bathroom @ the snazzy restaurant I had to brace myself on the chairback. It's official. I am entering granny faze, and there was no one to point that out quicker that my half-deaf dad who, when I got my salad boxed up (I only ate half...I was "full")(that's what you say on a diet when really you want to order 5 more things, preferably burgers and sundaes)and I said "yah, well I can have this for lunch tomorrow" and he said "that's what old people do." I wanted to ditch that salad so fast, when minutes ago I was so excited about my lunch prospect for the following day. damn. oh well. I guess if taking leftovers home with glee is geezer central then sign my saggy ass up for BINGO!

A newsworthy week....

WOW! What a busy news week...Tom and Katie delivered, Ace is OUT and Jade remains on ANTM too too long. I have started a diet because gaining 50 lbs when you move to LA is BAD. Very very bad. Also my therapist said "you are going to have to remain active for the rest of your life or you will become bi-polar like your mother" Hey...I mean if there was ever a motivator for a diet..that's it! Haven't had a twinkie since he uttered the magic words "...like your mother." That was it! No trim spa for me. baby.

Bargains!

ugh, I feel sick and sllowoowowwww today because I have been eating all those half price easter chocolates allll day. I think there is a screw loose in my brain(gee ya think?) where SOMEhow I equate half price as half the product. So like for instance(because this needs further depth) if I buy something at half price, which means I'll buy 2, then I can eat both but it's really like I only at one because I really only paid for one. THAT my friends is how my keen mathematical brain works. I think I inherited this madness/genius. SO if I wanna be an optimist (and after all I DO TEACH THIS IN YOGA) then I will have to go with genius! I am not half empty, but half full, only I am fully full because I ate too many half price things. hmmm. I think I am creating a brilliant (!) S.A.T. question/essay! God I'm smart. (The real trouble happens when Safeway does their 10 for $10 sale) But none of this matters at all, because the REAL issue/topic for the day is will ACE YOUNG survive tonite?

Happy EASTER!!! (half price!)

I just spent the entire morning stalking See's candy stores b/c their easter chocolates go half off the next day and I KNEW it would be a race to the marshmallow eggs. I got there a little early (wasn't sure what parking would be like at location # 1) and there was already a small crowd of what can only be best described as Senior Citizens, but I mean...BARELY...I think they surpassed that category as I believe they were all in their early hundreds. I am NOT kidding. I need to start carrying a camera with me. As I walked up (clearly I was "late" as one woman said she'd been there since 9:30. it was 9:55. they open at 10.) Same woman looked me up and down and said "you can join the club!" She was the self appointed leader. In fact when the doors opened and the mad rush began, walkers and canes flying every which way, she directed people by who got there first. and was telling other seniors "no, this lady was first...the gentlemann was next..."
Anyways, I BARELY got my bordeaux eggs and foil bunnies out unsmashed. As I was leaving one, umm 'larger' granny (I was looking at my future, really) was explaining to the sales lady about her big stash "these are for the ladies at my church, THEY just love this stuff...."

NO MORE Indian food! (at night anyways...)

K, so I woke up this morning after a fitful night of stress dreams, and not just one stress (like your typical 'you're a waitress who can NOT get to all her tables and all the customers hate you' or 'you're a high school student again, but at your same age now, and you are about to take a test you didn't study for)No, this again, was EVERY stress I could ever have in one long drawn out movie. This is the second time this month I have had that occur and BOTH times were after an indian dinner! Now, I ask, was it that particular restaurant? Indian food in general? Or is it isolated, like I can eat indian food, but just not the samosas?

Well, I WAS going to go to India next winter to do some yoga...but Then what would I eat? I would be a skinny SKINNY yoga girl. And let me tell you, I have done MANY crazy wacked out things in the name of weight loss(the cabbage dite, the lemonade diet, the tic tac and lettuce only diet) but THIS sister, is just not worth it!

PS...what happened? is this also a product of granny-hood? I used to be able to drink a bottle of vodka WITH burgers from the mini-mart, and a whole bag of doritos and a dominoes pizza, topped off with a pint of ice cream and sleep like a baby!

I was trying to put a pic on my profile and this is where it went

I HAAATE JEN LANCASTER

Why? cuz after a WHOLE year of NOT blogging I am back? why? cuz I read her book "Bitter is the New Black" and I finished it today, saturday, and I have been angry ALL DAY. why? cuz I finished it. Seriosuly i have now been in 2 whole fights, one of which was while I was teaching YOGA. I almost punched a guy in the face who was being a rude uptight yoga asshole! (please, don't act like there isn't one in almost every class)(he's the one with the 'muscle tee' and brings his own mat)(and rolls his eyes because he has decided that I am incompetent as a teacher and he knows MORE than I do because his way is the ONLY way to do yoga)(and the one hwo tells the teacher how to teach!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)GAWD! It's like when the pre-models on ANTM try to tell TYRA what's what. And you just wanna slap them (Hi Jade!)

But I digress...Normally I can handle rude-yoga-guy-who-by-the-way-is-like-60yrsold-and-should-only-be-taking-class-at-silver-hill-senior-day-camp but as I said, I was already pissed. See, when I get into a book that I lOVE LOVE LOVE, when the people become my friends, and then it ends, it's like a breakup. And this was a bad one miss Jen LANcasTER and her amazingly funny and sweet fucking book that made me never want to read again because it was so good and now I'm ruining my saturday cuz I am in mourning. seriosuly I just got up from a nap cuz I was too depressed to go to a movie.And I wandered aimlessly in Border's b4 my class and I was even too restless to get my usual mocha (that habit has been alive and well this past year)(I got one later) but I looked at every new book and practically spit on the reviews on the back. "oh yah...this new author is 'witty and charming!' HA! RIGHT! DON'T THINK SO!" "oh this new book 'will make you laugh till you cry'...DOUBT IT!" I was even angry that my other favorite author (Laurie Notaro) didn't have a new book out yet (jesus f-ing christ! It's been since christmas Laurie! What do you DO All day????)

I can barely type...I'm still mad. My commentary is THIS....read up future great writers who are super funny and bitchy and love hostess products..."IF YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A CAREER IN WRITING YOU MUST PUBLISH 5 BOOKS AT ONCE AND THEN ANOTHER EVERY MONTH OR SO! (preferably every week, but I realize THAT may be a little crazy of me, and I'm not crazy)(for real, my shrink said I'm not, just my mom is)(he also said you're not crazy if you're AWARE that you're acting crazy...and I am ALL ABOUT AWARENESS) It's called COMMITMENT people. You wanna write? fine...but you gotta know your audience...and your audience needs MORE than ONE book. It's not fair! We had it so good...these last few days we were TOGETHER. Before I taught, after I taught, laughing over coffee. getting me through LA traffic. ( I know...I'm a multi-tasker...and the one you HATE on the road)and now...I feel empty. robbed. alone. when will I ever find a book like that again? when?

blog wars

K, so I just got home from a pleasant day at the beach with the dogs, hot, chocolate croissants from the jewish bakery down beach blvd (only thing open on easter sunday) blustery wind, wet happy dogs, brunch with friends...
...and then a blog ambush? and he edits "holy shit" with "holy toledo?"
but I laughed...out loud. I hate admitting when my parents are actually funny...and real funny, not as in "my dad's senility has been funny today"
it's so cute when old people try to connect on the internet.

the sick and the restless....

it's friday night. there is NOTHING on TV and I don't have the attention span for a movie. I have the flu. Someone told me to go get a "netty pot" whatever the hell THAT is. I wanted to punch her in in her hippie face. My big dilemna is that I teach yoga but for the most part I can't stand yoga people! (well, I guess it's no different than working at the DMV) Don't get me wrong, I love all my students, but I have a hard time with the hippie culture connected to it all...you know what I mean...the pseudo "zenned" out crunchies who put their hand on your shoulder and feel sorry for your un-enlightened ass. And when you say stuff like "i just love meat" they shake their heads in deep sorrow and "pray" for you (and the innocent animals you randomly kill) in their mediation hour.
Personally, I prefer the Jesus Jammers of my Bible Camp days. There's not a whole lot of difference, but at least the JJ's knew how to have FUN...we're talking bible verse memorization contests, Genesis Spelling Bees, Skits on mortal sins, and the songs!! The songs rocked! "if i had a hammer, if I had a be-e-ellll..."
hmmm...I seem to always find myself among groups I completely don't fit into. But at least now, I don't pretend to be someone I'm not. Oh, I still wear all the cute yoga clothes, I just don't care that my old lady flapper arms dangle beneath my ultra hip FUR lined prada sports bra. HA! I think I'll go meditate now...

the ultimate shame

K, so I just disvovered blogging, right? and then i get this email from my dad...about his new blog site!!! How did this happen? How did my sixty million year old father and i find a common link...on the INTERNET?!?!? (well, maybe i'm being a little harsh here...at least we're not sharing porn sites...right?!)(I would NEVER go to www.PolesInPajamas.com) I have spent my 34 years distancing myself from my inevitable polish roots. I just tell everyone I'm mexican and leave it at that, and yet here i am, full circle, in polish land, blogging right along with my dad.

Holy shit...is this the new bonding for the millenium? Are senior citizens allowed on this thing? shouldn't they get a license or something to operate a computer? Is it good for their rheumatism to be typing all day? Isn't the screen hard on their glaucoma? Dad...are you reading this? Get a nice hobby! gardening is nice for your people. scrabble? shuffleboard? lawn bowling? bingo at the senior center? trying different anti-balding treatments? Isn't there ANYthing that could occupy your time, you last few moments on this planet?

I really don't want my sentences to read "yah...the other day my dad and I were blogging...and he pissed me off so we blog-fought...but then we kissed and blogged up."

i'll die if i don't get a donut!!

K, so it is late nite, i'm exhausted to the point where i don't even have the energy to capitalize my i's. it was a snowy weird PMS type day where my emotions ran high, from sorrow to bliss in 2 seconds flat. where i tried to rationalize with my dogs when they were being loud "why are you barking?" i said..."what point does it serve, huh beck? huh maggie? are you listening...I said what point does your barking serve? don't you see that there's no one there? why do you have to bark when I CLEARLY said no?!? If you don't stop then NO park tonight? do you hear me ...no park!"

yah...it was that kind of day, uneventful enough to relay any drama to exude sympathy from my friends, eventful enough that I still had to work, and pretend to be present all the while my mind racing in between the pathalogical liar on today's oprah to Hilary's dress at the oscars.

Then my friend wrote an entire blog about fat people and their "accountability." I was revved up on that one boy oh boy. I had to teach a yoga class...the poor students who got the leftover rage on that topic and they had no idea....let's just say there was more sweat than usual. So I walked the long way home in the freezing cold to just argue the topic in my head, rehearsing the perfect editorial. Then I had cramps and I got home and while I silently raged I ate 2 brownies and a donut. for dinner.
that'll show HIM! then I was out of food, and for a split second i felt frantic. where could i get another donut this late??? WHERE??????
then america's next top model came on and i could numb out on that instead. ahhhhhh
so you see? i am not accountable for that behavior! I had no choice. i am pmsing and raging inside...how ELSE am i supposed to cope?!??!? yoga? HA! is it really my fault that my mom deprived me of junk food in the golden age, the rise even, of McDonalds, right in the prime of my youth...so that i am an adult now consumed with thoughts of spending ALL my money one day at McDonalds?! so that if i see a stray cookie on a random table my mind not only notices the cookie, but says "who's cookie IS that? did they leave it on purpose? are they coming back for it? or did it drop of a plate of cookies? i wish that was MY cookie or I wish i could find the owner and just stare at him while he freely eats that cookie without a care in the world."
sigh.
i'll NEVER be able to eat a cookie without a care in the world. even in my skinniest days, i know EXACTLY how many calories are in EVERY cookie, and every single time i eat a cookie i wonder if i'll be able to stop. will this be the cookie that sets off a 40 lb binge for the next few months? i am terrified of cookies. i LOOOOOVE cookies. Even when I don't want a cookie i THINK about the times I used to want it so bad it hurt, or i think about all the cookies i will eat in the future when i am super skinny. I thought these thoughts when i was 4 years old, and i think them now at 34. i spend days meditating,crying,wishing hoping, dreaming of being a 44 yr old woman who can eat a cookie without a care in the world.