Tuesday, October 14, 2008

when life gives you lemons....Throw 'em out and GO SHOPPING!

every so often, I can see the glass as half full. Ha ha...not really, but it sounded good!

I shuffled around ALL day yesterday in my Target furry slippers and Pj's ala a patient moping around with their IV bag on wheels. (and by Pj's I mean the yoga pants I wore all day the day before but fell asleep in and woke up late so didn't change them) My Norwegian "friend" said 'you are SUCH a baby. You feel SO sorry for yourself for such a little injury"

Uh, LITTLE?? I COULDN'T DRINK COFFEE!!! you ICY NORDIC BITCH! Geez, those icelandic girls have been hardened by all those arctic winds. Also, they don't have starbucks in Norway, so it's no wonder they're cold and bitter. She's just Jealous cuz I'm American, and she's NOT! HA! HA! Let's see who gets a "little" injury when I put banana peels all over those stairs.

So anyway, this post will serve as a medical guide of sorts, for those who find themselves severely injured in the lip by cement stairs. Here are some holistic things I found to ease the pain...

I call this, YOU! WITH A FAT LIP....The Owner's Manual....

1. FIrst, lying around all day with this medicinal remedy....

ALL of season 1, back to back, lessens the pain.

2. Ancient Chinese Secret Remedy, LIKE acupuncture. only better. And no needles...ick!

....Extra whip, with chopped up chocolate chips. Okay, maybe not chinese, maybe seattle-ese. Helps numb the pain. Goodbye Ice packs!

3. Trip to VInce.com...since you can't actualy go OUT in public.

Keeps you from getting hypothermia. And seriously, SO CUTE! And I am SURE, cruelty free! May SEEM expensive, but WAY cheaper than ambulance trip to the emergency room.

4. like ointment on an open wound, you need some supplements, like THIS and THIS and THIS.

Take one a day, pull the softness over your head, and feel the pain melt away. You may get addicted, BUT they won't put you in rehab. WAY better than Vicodin!!

5. And last but not least, you NEED to get some rest!

***these methods have NOT been proven effective by the FDA
***but should be


Kristina P. said...

I think you are my blog soulmate. I love Gossip Girl and the Chocolate Chip Frappacinos. Although, I've been in love with the Chocolate Banana Vivanno, lately.

I have a new blog button that I think you would love.

Marie said...

Anyone, and I mean anyone, who can think of the sentence "You Icy Nordic Bitch" is MY FREAKIN' HERO ..You are SO added to my blog list!! NOT that it's doing much, but it is the least I can do in my admiration??!!

Kristina P. said...

I had one of the Vivanno's last night and this morning. I'm addicted!