FINALLY! someone who is worse at geography than ME!!!

Breaking News Flash!

I bet you expect me to write about Brit or Zac or something like that. Okay, Okay, I'll take that. (although, the fact that Zac Efron is remaking 'Footloose' IS news) But this news flash is serious. REAL news.

Get this....economic times are SO bad, that even the dead are having to move! HA! NO ONE is immune from the housing crash. A cemetery is going into foreclosure! weird huh? especially at halloween time. coincidence? hmmm....Where WILL all the Zombies go? Will they have to carry around their tombstones all sad and mopey as they wait in line at the soup kitchen? I mean, won't that kinda ruin halloween?

Okay, for real, Will the feds bail out the cemeteries? cuz, isn't that KINDA important? Where they gonna go? What about the super anal people who pre-paid for their plots (creepy!) so they could be buried next to grandma? Now what?

THANK GOD I'm not old and don't have to worry about any of this. I wanna be cremated and thrown out to sea anyway. They can't foreclose on that! HA! But, in case of my early demise, let's be CLEAR. By "sea" I mean like, the caribbean or hawaii or the french riviera...yah! there...Cannes or St. tropez. So, who ever's in charge of my remains....DON'T think you'll be all cheap and throw me into Long Beach. I WILL HAUNT YOU.

Oh, and here's my twin sister's "VIEW" interview!! Her show airs saturday! And then in 3 weeks I go to New Zealand to visit her with my little brother and his fiancee. So, I will make sure to stay RIGHT by her side 24/7 so I can make it into US weekly.

NY shopping...

When I was in NY I went to one of those super cute stores filled with all the kinds of things you NEVER need but could drop about $1000 in 10 mins. The kind of place that you really only go to with girlfriends and all you keep saying to each other is "oh my god...read this!" or "I HAVE to get these $50 coasters because they're CHARLIE'S ANGELS!!!"

I try my best to NOT pick up the cocktail napkins in shapes of candy bars and the Simpson's Monopoly game. But I can never resist the magnets...because..HOW CUTE ARE THESE?!?!?!

I am totally using these little cute chinese magnets to hold the chinese delivery menus on the way cute magnetic chalkboard I bought three years ago for JUST THIS THING. It will be great to get all the menus out from between the sofa cushions where they usually are so they don't get lost. It's THE WORST when you want delivery and can't find the damn menu! Won't be problem anymore!


Now, these next two I figure, I'll put RIGHT on the front doors of my fridge and then when I have a date I'll send him to the kitchen to "get a drink" and when he sees these I am SURE to get a second date!!





And this is just one of about 15 cards I had to buy but it was my favorite. I LOVE LOVE LOVE buying funny birthday cards like this, especially since I think they're SO funny that I never actually send them because when I NEED a birthday card, I'm like "hmmmm, I don't want to send HER that card, it's too funny...I might need it for another friend."



I can't post ALL the other stuff I bought whilst shopping in NY because Blogger doesn't hold that much memory space, and also I don't want people thinking that they can't get me a gift because "she already has everything." (especially so close to my birthday) (NOVEMBER 17) Because know what? I SO DON'T HAVE EVERYTHING!!

PS. MY "twin sister" will be on THE VIEW TODAY!! WATCH!

there MIGHT be someone out there better than me...but most likely not...

K, first of all, i don't usually link to OTHER people's blogs. Mostly because I rip them all off and then you'd know where all my material comes from and what a hack I am. I'd be exposed for the Milli Vanilli that I am. (in case you don't get that reference..I'M the hot twin black lip sync'ers)

ALSO because I don't want to lose my VAST readership and I'm like Blair in Gossip Girl (in EVERY way....rich, hot...) and I need to be the queen and keep my bees close. I can't have people straying, because UNlike Jesus I will not go searching for and then cuddle my lost little lambs...I will write about them and make fun of their clothing.

***newsbreak.***showing totino's pizza roll commercials at 8 am during fox news should be banned. Seriously It's wrong.

But I can't any longer hide this blog all to myself. She actually makes me LAUGH out loud. Not like LOL, where people are all LOL but they're really NOT LOLing they're just saying "yah, that's mildly funny and/or I'm writing LOL because what you said is NOT funny, but I don't know what else to write" If you've EVER lived in Utah it will be even MORE funny...but it's funny either way. I don't know that she'll appreciate this shout out, per se, because it's like Britney endorsing a political candidate...which is why I never discuss politics here.

You know, It's like, I like to live by sayings on Hallmark decorative wall placques..."If you love something set it free, if it doesn't come back it was never meant to be" But I know my reader(s) will come back because they HAVE to. They're all friends and family, who, when I talk to them and they're all "what have you been up to?" and then I say "well, remember on what I said on MY BLOG?" And then I quiz them until they cry and try to tell me their computer's been "down." And then they never make that mistake again. NEVER.

Whatever. I'm perfectly secure in that fact that, no matter what...I will ALWAYS...ALWAYS have the cutest dogs.

AND the ability to insert famous people's names here and there. FAMOUS people that I KNOW and can introduce to my readers who are LOYAL.

And just to keep me on your "reader" list I will tell you that I AM ABOUT TO be related to someone SUPER famous. And you have to watch her new show. She is going to be my sister-in-law-in-law (we'll just call her my twin sister, for short) I am going to be the next Casey Affleck/Ally Lohan/Haylie duff.

So, see you next BLOG!

PS...MY B-DAY is a mere 21 days away. So, you can still get free super saver shipping on amazon if you act in the next week or so. Just saying. You know, I mean, your comments are all the present I need! (ha! now THAT! is LOL)

only cuz I'm at the airport and have nothing better to do..

Copy and paste the words.
Bold the things you have done...

1. Started your own blog 2. Slept under the stars(but NOT by choice) 3. Played in a band 4. Visited Hawaii 5. Watched a meteor shower(kinda boring if you ask me) 6. Given more than you can afford to charity (HELL no! CHarity begins at HOME) 7. Been to Disneyland 8. Climbed a mountain(again, not by choice)(and by mountain I mean a hike up a hill to get to the "arch") 9. Held a praying mantis (why? why is this even on here? EEEEWWWW) 10. Sang a solo(HA! UN-fortunately for my church choir) 11. Bungee jumped 12. Visited Paris 13. Watched a lightning storm at sea 14. Taught yourself an art from scratch (making mac n cheese from the box counts, right?) 15. Adopted a child 16. Had food poisoning (panda express orange chicken!!) 17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty (oddly, no). 18. Grown your own vegetables (RIGHT!) 19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France 20. Slept on an overnight train (still have neck pain from it) 21. Had a pillow fight 22. Hitch hiked 23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill (is this unusual??) 24. Built a snow fort 25. Held a lamb 26. Gone skinny dipping 27. Run a Marathon (pfffff ) 28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice 29. Seen a total eclipse (well, sang about it, of the heart) 30. Watched a sunrise or sunset 31. Hit a home run . 32. Been on a cruise 33. Seen Niagara Falls in person 34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors 35. Seen an Amish community 36. Taught yourself a new language 37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied (NEVER!!) 38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person 39. Gone rock climbing (LAME) 40. Seen Michelangelo’s David 41. Sung karaoke (once. it was tragic) 42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt 43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant (it was Ihop...adorable old couple, and it was only 10 bucks...they had the senior special) 44. Visited Africa 45. Walked on a beach by moonlight 46. Been transported in an ambulance 47. Had your portrait painted (GOD no!)48. Gone deep sea fishing 49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person 50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris 51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling 52. Kissed in the rain 53. Played in the mud 54. Gone to a drive-in theater 55. Been in a movie (i think the fact that I've been an extra in Touched By An Angel FULLY counts) 56. Visited the Great Wall of China 57. Started a business(PAIN.IN.THE.ASS.) . 58. Taken a martial arts class 59. Visited Russia 60. Served at a soup kitchen 61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies (I got kicked out of Brownies. sad) 62. Gone whale watching ($70 bucks...one whale tail. Just go see Free Willy)63. Got flowers for no reason(by "got" I mean I "got" them for myself) 64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma (got a stoner boyfriend out of it too! He worked there. I had no standards then. Also lived off the money!)65. Gone sky diving 66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp 67. Bounced a check . (HA! I'll say. Not past tense either) 68. Flown in a helicopter 69. Saved a favorite childhood toy (snoopy!!)70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial (ICK! also sooo boring) 71. Eaten Caviar(yah, but I think it was the cheap kind cuz it was disgusting) 72. Pieced a quilt. 73. Stood in Times Square (wayyyyy too many times)74. Toured the Everglades 75. Been fired from a job (not so much fired as just deciding one morning not to show up) . 76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London 77. Broken a bone . 78. Been on a speeding motorcycle (with a helmet on, of course)79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person (well, flew over it. not excited) 80. Published a book 81. Visited the Vatican 82. Bought a brand new car (now can never buy used)83. Walked in Jerusalem 84. Had your picture in the newspaper (yah, but it was the local paper, when I had my confirmation. I was wearing Esprit) 85. Read the entire Bible (could never get past NUMBERS!! UGH. Tedious) 86. Visited the White House .(my dog licked clinton's dog through the fence) 87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating (WHAT????) 88. Had chickenpox 89. Saved someone’s life (well, I AM an awesome yoga teacher...I have saved many many lives) 90. Sat on a jury 91. Met someone famous(Duh! do you KNOW who I am?) 92. Joined a book club (yah, the kind where you get 5 books for $1) 93. Lost a loved one 94. Had a baby 95. Seen the Alamo in person (nope, just in Pee Wee's Big Adventure, so I know there's no Basement) 96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake (I put my feet in...ICK. too smelly and disgusting....remember that dede??) 97. Been involved in a law suit 98. Owned a cell phone (okay, when was this created? 1996?) 99. Been stung by a bee 100. Talked your way out of a ticket (Not totally, but my fried talked her way out of a 100 mph speeding ticket and I feel my presence helped...Hi dede!)

Morning coffee in ny...heaven

AWWWW. Lucas. Isn't he cute? And so sweet. in a stoner kind-of-way. Again, not date-able, but just wanna roll him up and put him in my pocket. We had dinner last night and now we are jacks coffee..my favorite! He is thoroughly annoyed that I took his picture and am blogging from my phone. Now he's calling me a typical LA A-hole. Clearly our honeymoon phase is OVAH! He's trying to get me to go to his little rock gig tonite and I'm like uhhhh...I already have dinner plans :( sad facey. He doesn't read this blog. He doesn't DO blogs and iPhones and stuff. He still has a flip phone. Sigh. We were torn worlds apart before we even began.

Bored yet? I better get off this. He still needs a little attention for next time.
Xoxo

The mean streets of NY...

Sorry all my fans (Hi Dede & Carin!!) for not posting yesterday. i KNOW how you all eagerly await my wisdom and proverbs. I know because dede added "site" meter to my blog so I can check out who's reading and I went to the "world" map and I had dots placed in NY (me) and UT (Me again...and some friends who do "pity" comments) and LA (me) and N. CAL (my dad) I'll be popular in Singapore soon.

Anyway, I had like 3 clients yesterday, going to actual yoga classes at 6AM, and then teaching a class a day. Been pounding the pavement and since I never walk more than half a block from my house to starbucks in LA (I've driven there before) My shins are KILLING me. Now I have the whole day off!! Yippee! I just had lunch with my NYC "boyfriend" (if you know what I mean) (hi dad!) I've known him for years and we hook up have lunch whenever I'm here. He's not quite as hot as those pics make him seem. So don't think I'm all dating hot guys and stuff. But he's SO cute and adorable and SO not my type. He's in a rock band. Which makes him H.O.T. But not date-able.

And now I'm off to actual lunch. for real. with a GIRL friend. And some shopping. And making fun of people. Especially people who think Leggings are Pants....THEY'RE NOT.

seriously??

WOW. THIS beats "heather has two mommies" for sure!

Yoga People in NY are JUST as annoying as yoga people in LA

I was walking to my super hard yoga today (I pre-paid for the week...otherwise NO WAY would I have gone...I'm still sore from yesterday) (plus also there's this french croissant place that is tiny and a fat pink cheeked french guy named Claude is the only baker and all he makes are the most amazing croissants EVER and at 7:am they are still steamy melt in your mouth hot)

Anyway, I was waiting at the curb for the light to change and there was this girl in front of me, with her yoga mat strapped on her back (capital L.A.M.E.) and she is jumping up and down. Just waiting for the light, JUMPING up and down. Dude, lay off the adderall. It took all my peaceful yoga energy NOT to pick up my foot and knock her into the street.

You may be thinking, WHY? do you even DO yoga if you're a hater? BECAUSE this studio in New York has LOTS of famous people who go there and I have been NEXT to Gwyneth and what's his face from Batman...one of the evil guys...oh yah. willem da foe (i think that's how it's spelled) (maybe he's on the B list these days) (but he smiled at me once, so you know, I now KNOW him) and Madonna. Okay, I never SAW her there, but everyone says she goes there, so I go there JUST in case.

Plus it does kick my butt and there's SOMETHING about it that calms me down. Otherwise I would be even meaner and set flowers on fire and pinch babies and accidentally on purpose trip little kids who run down the aisles in grocery stores. (ummm, I might occasionally still do that one) (HAHA..J/K. LOL....sorta)

I mean, a lifetime of my mother forcing me into Vacation Bible school (vacation?! HA!) and bell choir and catholic school didn't take. SO, you know, prescription drugs, coffee and yoga make me manageable for society....hey! whatever works!

Going off to coffee now. Had the drugs and the yoga already. HAPPY HAPPY DAY!

These people also hand out raisins at halloween. organic free trade cruelty free raisins.

These were taken yesterday of an actual CHILD's birthday party at the little greenwich village playground for super fancy rich hippie kids and their nannies.

Here's the evidence that what I speak is the truth, because if I had just TOLD you about it, even though i am VERY trustworthy and not at ALL prone to exaggeration, you would NOT have believed me.








I need you to look carefully here. And notice the "party food" at this CHILDREN'S BIRTHDAY PARTY.
Items like, ummm, ORGANIC PLAIN RICE CAKES. It was the only evidence of "cake" on the table. sad. I see a therapy bill in this child's future. (actually, little harrison is probably already seeing someone)

And the multi grain organic crackers. THOSE are for the adults. The kids get the ORGANIC apple sauce cups. AND/OR and organic apples.

To wash it all down, there is a big gallon of REGULAR water, OR if you want to veer from the natural still water they have PLENTY of canada dry seltzer water. plain. It's not organic though, so that's probably for the hired help.

pillow talk...

setting the stage here...

My close friend of mine who I'm staying with in NY. We're reminiscing on her bed, slumber party style, talking about our sex lives or lack thereof, making fun of friends, shoe sales....the usual stuff. We just ate dinner and had our favorite cake from our favorite bakery....

ME: UGH! I am so mad at eating that cake because it was DISGUSTING! And SO not worth it.

HER: I KNOW~ what happened? they used to be THE BEST.

ME: MASS PRODUCTION!

HER: STUPID TOURISTS is what it is!

ME: yah...They have gone DOWNHILL.

HER: seriously, my slice was SO dry.

ME: I KNOW!! Mine too! Like, WAY dry. Like stale bread crumbs in my mouth!

HER: YAH! like drier than both our coochies!

Ancient Chinese secret huh.....

errrrr. I just woke up late and missed my super hard yoga class I was supposed to take from this yoga master dude here especially from India. THIS! is why I don't drink. Well, I mean I did drink last night. One. Maybe 2.

But my hangover isn't so much from that I don't think. It's more like a chinese food hangover from THE BEST CHINESE FOOD EVER! (in fact, there ARE leftovers in the fridge...) (no, no...today is bagel day) I tell you their general tso's packs a punch! Oh, and they have these handmade dumplings and noodles in this super spicy sauce stuff. You HAVE to get past the hanging upside down rosted ducks in the window though (I just pretend they're paper mache ducks. That the chinese have arts and crafts too)

So naturally I ordered about 5 dishes cuz I wanted a little of everything, and a little of everything turned into A LOT of everything and now I have a shrimpfriedwonton headache.

I also never drink. So when/if I do my friends get ALL excited like they've accomplished some great feat. You can see the pride in their face when I take that first sip as if they're like "hey! I did that! I got her to drink!" not unlike the brothers in the Life cereal commercial of yesteryear...I am the Mikey.

And ALL night I was like "I can't, I have yoga in the morning....I can't I have yoga in the...." Which made them more determined because if I got a vegan to eat fried little pork balls I would bow down to myself too.

Oops. So, now instead of a mind/body connection, it's gonna be more of a coffee/body connection. YAY! way better than indian world sage yoga leaders! I wonder if I'll even ever USE my yoga mat that I hauled over here? well. it's nice to be prepared anyway, to dream big. In yoga we say "it's your INTENTION that matters." Sure does! And now, I am off to my other intention. And I "intend" to be nice. And I "intend" to only have one cup and no chocolate chip cookies that they make fresh in the AM. And then I "intend" to do yoga later. Ah..DREAMS! that's what this country is MADE of!!

update

I just landed. Sitting on runway. Moth ball lady was watching animal planet for about an hour...a show all about SNAKES! Snakes in the toilet, snakes living in peoples kitchen cupboards, whole snake families discovered under someones kitchen sink. Gawd...i will have nightmares for weeks. And I couldn't even avoid seeing it cuz it was the time they were handing out diet cokes and no way am I missing my free diet coke. Freaks.

Also just as plane was about to land I had to pee so bad it felt like daggers. Got up when I wasn't supposed to and flight guy was all "not supposed to get up" so I pointed to my stomach and mouthed "pregnant" and then he goes "still not supposed to get up. I smiled as I bolted into the b.

Can't wait to am-scray off this flight.

I'm on the plane and the people next to me smell like mothballs!! Blyackkkk!! Gonna be a long flight. Sad face :( note to self...make way more money so don't have to be with moth ball passengers. Want first class where people smell like daisies and rainbows.

friday night blah-g

When I got to my class tonight, about 10 mins early, there was some couple lying on their mats with their eyes closed holding hands. BLAAAAACHK. I just wanted to walk over there and step on their little fingers all entwined, and be all "OOPS! didn't see your hands there where they don't belong, in between the mats. WE DON'T DO THAT HERE"

But of course I would be fired or something (I mean, I would deny it if they told, but just trying to avoid confilct) So, naturally I simply went to the stereo and put on justin Timberlake. LOUD. They jolted up and looked all around, clearly annoyed that I had disturbed their little tantric meditation there. Confused, bewildered. The old lady one looked at me and was all "is this the right room for yoga?" and I was pretending not to notice their annoyance and said "YEP!"

HA.HA. Get a room next time. losers.

I'm thinking, that they DO know evil

"Dogs are our link to paradise. They don't know evil or jealousy or discontent. To sit with a dog on a hillside on a glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden, where doing nothing was not boring--it was peace." - Milan Kundera

EDEN? PARADISE? PEACE? GLORIOUS?

mmmm, not so much.

I love that maggie is looking completely innocent and bored as she reaps the benefits of Mick's "rearranging" of the bed clothes. So like a woman.

ho hum.

when life gives you lemons....Throw 'em out and GO SHOPPING!

every so often, I can see the glass as half full. Ha ha...not really, but it sounded good!

I shuffled around ALL day yesterday in my Target furry slippers and Pj's ala a patient moping around with their IV bag on wheels. (and by Pj's I mean the yoga pants I wore all day the day before but fell asleep in and woke up late so didn't change them) My Norwegian "friend" said 'you are SUCH a baby. You feel SO sorry for yourself for such a little injury"

Uh, LITTLE?? I COULDN'T DRINK COFFEE!!! you ICY NORDIC BITCH! Geez, those icelandic girls have been hardened by all those arctic winds. Also, they don't have starbucks in Norway, so it's no wonder they're cold and bitter. She's just Jealous cuz I'm American, and she's NOT! HA! HA! Let's see who gets a "little" injury when I put banana peels all over those stairs.

So anyway, this post will serve as a medical guide of sorts, for those who find themselves severely injured in the lip by cement stairs. Here are some holistic things I found to ease the pain...

I call this, YOU! WITH A FAT LIP....The Owner's Manual....

1. FIrst, lying around all day with this medicinal remedy....


ALL of season 1, back to back, lessens the pain.

2. Ancient Chinese Secret Remedy, LIKE acupuncture. only better. And no needles...ick!



....Extra whip, with chopped up chocolate chips. Okay, maybe not chinese, maybe seattle-ese. Helps numb the pain. Goodbye Ice packs!

3. Trip to VInce.com...since you can't actualy go OUT in public.



Keeps you from getting hypothermia. And seriously, SO CUTE! And I am SURE, cruelty free! May SEEM expensive, but WAY cheaper than ambulance trip to the emergency room.

4. like ointment on an open wound, you need some supplements, like THIS and THIS and THIS.

Take one a day, pull the softness over your head, and feel the pain melt away. You may get addicted, BUT they won't put you in rehab. WAY better than Vicodin!!

5. And last but not least, you NEED to get some rest!



***these methods have NOT been proven effective by the FDA
***but should be

I've fallen and I can't get up!

I think I've reached the age where I'm gonna have to get one of those emergency necklaces you wear around your neck, for when you've fallen out of your wheelchair or walker, mostly sold to those who are long time members of the lawn bowling club and AARP and live in complexes called "silver Hill" and "pine meadows adult day care"

Anyway, long story VERY short. I tripped on NOTHING and slammed my face into the stairs. NOT carpeted stairs. CEMENT stairs. SO I have a HUGE fat bloody scrapey lip. I look like I got BAD collagen injections. And living in LA and all, NO ONE will believe me when I say I fell and hit the stairs.

I LOVE MONDAYS! At least I could cancel my class tonight. AS IF I'm gonna go to yoga looking like this! And no, I will not post a picture. I will only post pictures when I;m SUPER skinny and my hair is blown dry straight from the salon. So basically don't hold your breath.

I can't even have a salted caramel mocha at starbucks :( It's best not to try to make contact with me today, I'm injured and no coffee. A wounded mountain Lion would be less likely to tell you off.

I had a good post for today but now i can't remember. It was actually something about me being happy and fall, and caramel mochas. It woulda been weird, me posting happy thoughts anyway. So, nothing lost, really.

K have a horrible miserable day like me GREAT DAY!!!

this is a cruelty free blog. Wait, no, It's actually pretty cruel.

Maggie Gyllenhall was on the View yeasterday and she was talking, in a VERY pious voice reserved for religious LEADERS ONLY, about a fashion show for designers, who, get this, design environmentally friendly clothes! We've visited this topic before....environmental clothes=UGLY. And uglier. But aside from that? WHAT?!?!? Isn't, like, cotton already environmentally friendly enough for you there Maggie?

They proceeded to show a bunch of ugly nasty dresses that will NEVER make the shelves of Forever 21 (where I awlays shop, of course) (there is NOTHING better than seeing someone approaching 40 at the forever 21 store) And the View women, who will NEVER be caught dead in those frocks, were all like, "oh." and "well, what is the material?" and Maggie was all "THIS dress is made of TOFU!!"

Coco Chanel just rolled over in her grave. (she's dead right? no?...well whatever. details details)

But the best was when Maggie took off her jacket and showed HER dress (which she will never wear again...let's see this crusade at the oscars MAGGIE) and when Whoopie said "well, that just looks like silk" and Then, and this was where I went in the kitchen and stuck my head in the toaster oven, Maggie goes "YAH! it IS silk! But it's CRUELTY FREE SILK"

I'm sorry? Beg Pardon? So, what. the little worms got to live in a deluxe fully equipped penthouse loft in New york city ala America's next top model? And were they fed little worm caviar and sushi on little worm platters? And when they got tired of making silk, were they paid overtime?

I mean THAT silk is WAY different from regular silk, where the worms never see daylight, and are left to work and die in cramped worm cages. Where the worms are WAY underage to be making so much silk, and where they work like, 18 hour days. Gosh, I am SO.GLAD. there is FINALLY cruelty free silk! We have been SUCH an irresponsible greedy nation...but, THANK YOU JESUS, JOSEPH and MARY....we are about to atone.

friday morning fantasies...

Hmmm, It's friday. I have THE WHOLE day ahead of me. i don't have to teach a class until 5:30..what to do. what to do. As I lie in bed right now, half heartedly watching Regis and kelly (Ruseel Crowe is on....WHAT?! has happened to HIM?! He has a scraggly white/grey beard and a LONG hippie-esque ponytail and his hair is parted right down the middle. Gladiator indeed) I am fantasizing about what my day COULD be if I weren't so lazy. Here's what I would do If I ever got out of bed...

I would put on a tie die tee shirt that says "feeding by bare breast is BEST!" (if I had one) and birkenstocks (ditto THAT) and I would have mini jingle bells on my cankles and hemp braids (nay, pig tails!) and a couple buttons that say "I'm here, I'm queer...GET USED TO IT" and "pro choice has a voice!" and then I would douse myself in nasty patchouli oil, and I would go volunteer for the morning at the McCain campaign headquarters.

THEN I would come home and change, giggling in my car the WHOLE way while listening to the new gwen stefani, and go home and change INTO my McCain Campaign '08! white tee, real fur shorts, and snakeskin manolo blahniks, and go shopping at whole foods but stand at the entrance, smoking a cigarette before I go in. And FIrst thing, I'd ask "WHAT AISLE IS BABY FORMULA IN?"

ahhhh. But we all know I'll never do it. Could you imagine what this world could be, the possibilities if people would just GET UP and go after their dreams?! Yah, I can't imagine it either.

BUT I still might try to find that McCain tee...just to wear while I teach. But if I did, I'd wear it like ALL.THE.TIME. Except to my mom's house. She would die of excitement. I would be let back into the fold. The fold where Baby Jesus, and Lexuses and Republicans reside.

Well, I better get back to my work. My friend gave me season one of gossip girl last night, and I am only on book 2 in the "twilight" series. I have A LOT of work to do.

Forget the british shoes, here's some real news...

Hate to toot my own horn, but BEEP BEEP! Drew Barrymore was in my class again. I love when she comes because I get to act all cool and smug, and walk around like, "that's right, it's drew barrymore, no big. She's ALWAYS here. Because, well, I am CLEARLY THE BEST in town."

And I walk out of class with an air of aristocracy, turn my nose up at the plebians who ARE NOT DREW, like I just tolerate having them in class, like they should be grateful because do they know WHO I AM?

Those Crafty Brits

OHMYGOD! I so totally am ordering THESE Mostly for the wording on their homepage..."bonding with your couch...favorite pastime is lazinesss" I think I'm related to these people.

PLUS they're from the UK. Anything from the UK is cool. Cuz then when people are all "hey! where'd you get those shoes?" and they say it with a snide little smile, like they're making a compliment, but really they think they're SO ugly and they're being funny. BUT THEN you're like "I got them in THE UK. And voila! They've just been SHUT DOWN.

For all I know, these shoes are sold at the UK version of All-A-Dollar. (except, it'd be ALL-A-Pound) (or something) (actually they would want it to rhyme too, so maybe it'd be "Around-A-Pound")( And they're smarter than us, so their title wouldn't bind them to that exact price either)

Hey, I wonder if the economy will make the all-a-dollar inventory go down? Like, they'll just have single pack smarties and old Smurfette pocket mirrors. Or will it go UP because all the stores will go broke and maybe you could score a Gap tee at the all-a-dollar! We'll just have to keep checking.

Tar-shay

I left early for pasadena today because I had something VERY IMPORTANT to get at target. And then on the way driving there I also remembered I wanted to buy some headbands. Now that my hair is short... too short actually because now I can't put it in a pony tail without the sides falling all down and me looking like a house frau with a drinking problem and 4 cats.

SO, got to target, and got my basket and went trolling around, mesmerized as always by pretty bags of candy, halloween candy! nonetheless, and clearance items like old beef jerky and expired spaghetti sauces. And I mean, they get you right as you walk in with the dollar bins filled with hello kitty pens and all kinds of cute sparkly crap that people of generation X, latch key divorced children of alcoholics, were deprived of as kids. They have our age group PEGGED.

Now you see where this story is going. I got the headbands, which totally don't work by the way. they even say "33% stronger grip!!" I don't know what they were before they got 33% stronger, but they slid off my hair like buttah. Well, $88 and a few pkgs of new gum, three books, a bag of halloween pumpkin candy corns and a new flavor of toothpaste later, I left withOUT the one really important thing I left early for in the first place. what was it? we may never know. Well, I will never know until I go to GET the thing I need from my cupboard and when it's not there I'll be all "THAT's WHAT I NEED AT TARGET!! I BETTER GET IT TODAY"

sigh. And then the cycle starts all over again.

I think that, of ALL the companies worried about the financial crisis, Target is so totally not one of them.

Girl on bike

Now, be sure you turn the volume up so you can hear her hit the pavement.

Kids say the darndest things part two

My 7 yr old neice....

"auntie Kristi....you have white hairs growing out of your head!"

'nuf said