I'm in the mooooood for loooove....Pumpkin Pie Love, That is!

EVERYTHING YOU NEED FOR A COZY NIGHT IN....

Nothing inspires me to shop like Fall. NOTHING! Here are my most favorite items right now. DO yourself a favor and indulge in at least ONE of these. Because You deserve it! (I really should write a motivational book, no?)(I would call it...Why to Buy: All the reasons to say YES at the sales counter!)

GET THESE SHOES! I've been over Kate Spade since early 2000. But She's back. With a Vengeance! A sparkly sparkly Vengeance!

PS. I don't get paid for ANY of this. But I should! RIght Kate? RIGHT?!?!?! (WILL WORK FOR SHOES)

And then take THIS with you to your pedicure place....

It's called Bad Romance.  'nuff said.

These are some of my favorite candles...one, because I LOVE the scents and two, because they're SO CHEAP!!! What's not to love? Just whisper those three magic words....two for one

Mrs. Meyers has THE BEST cleaning products ever. I have been a fan for ages. If you ever come over you will see my kitchen stocked and the best part is they have seasonal flavors too!! This year is orange clove. I ALWAYS rotate between Basil and Geranium. And they're won't break the bank. I heart this company. HIRE ME! only if employess get free samples

I bought this sweater yesterday as a treat for being SO GOOD on my diet. I say, when you can't buy oreos...BUY VINCE! I know it SEEMS expensive, but when you live in it every single day, AND YOU WILL, it only ends up costing like...I don't know. JUST GET IT!

 

EVER has the softest hoodies, well, ever. This particular one is my MOST favorite because it is all baggy and snuggly and and....put it on your wish list. 

Mmmmm. Caramels. These are my favorite. By far. They go oh so well with coffee. Yes. In the morning. Hey. whatever gets you through the day I say! I wish I knew the woman who started this company. We'd be friends. Better yet I wish we were NEIGHBORS! Would bring a whole new concept to "borrowing a cup of sugar"

I'm addicted to the shopaholic books (shocking!)(It's like I'm reading my own autobiography)...so when this came out I couldn't order it fast enough. I haven't even started it yet because I'm saving it for the perfect fall day. 

If you don't live near Trader Joe's....MOVE. They have these 100 calorie dark chocolate bars that are TO DIE FOR! AND only 100 calories!!!! There are 5 in a box. Which means they intend for you to have one a day MON-FRI. I'm SURE that's what they intended. AND they're only $1.99!!! Seriously I am so hooked on these that if you want to send me the $$$, I will ship them to you! **there's milk choc too, but haven't tried those.

K, Wallaby Yogurt. It's Yogurt. It's Dark Chocolate. I can't say more. I could only find it at stupid hateful assWHOLE Foods....but I'm sure they have it other places too. I think I eat one a day. They have a delicioso Lemon too. WHEN will these guys make a pumpkin pie yogurt?! PLEASE!!!!

Mistral is by far my MOST favorite bar of soap. You can't go wrong with the whole brand, but OH THE WINTERBERRY!   I usually find them at Anthropologie, if you wanna test the scent first. But trust me on this one. 

I could list about 20 things from Fresh that I can hardly live without. So many great bath products, so little time. But this is my newest favorite!!   (the nectarine lotion comes in at a close second) (oh, and the lemon sugar spray) (I'll stop) (this also matches the shoe/nail polish combo listed above)(just saying)

If this stuff doesn't make for one hell of a Fall evening I don't know what will.  

xoxo,

yogabitch

FALL, You complete me.

Today was actually cold enough for me to wear Uggs AND have a pumpkin spice latte at the bucks. I'm in SUCH a good mood! WITH NO MEDS! I swear, I hope by the time I retire, I have inherited earned enough money to build a huge retirement center where the AC is set to 65 at all times and the leaves are painted fall colors year round and Pumpkin scent is pumped through the vents and and we'll call it FALL LAND.

Um, I'm watching Oprah in the background and she just gave her entire audience..........a $25 gift card to Michaels. I bet they were SO PISSED that they weren't the "Australia" audience or the "FREE CAR" audience. I mean, how shameful to come home from your trip to Oprah, with a $25 Michael's Gift card?!?! HAHAAHA!!

Oh man, can today get any better?!

It's not MSNBC....but it's close.

Ah. perfect morning. It's drizzling outside, kinda sorta almost chilly, hot coffee in hand. Dare I say it might be, gulp, FALL?

Last night I watched for the first time, TLC's Sister Wives. I literally watched it with my mouth open. FOR SOME reason I thought this was a scripted show which is why I haven't watched it up until now. I was kinda sick of the whole polygamy thing, Big Love aside. (I mean, they were the pioneers...HA! Pioneers! ha!... of the polygamy popularity) But a for real, real live reality show?? I was in Celestial Kingdom!

Seriously this is the best show. I mean the title is lame. I would have gone with say, The Real Housewive's Wives of Utah or Wife Hoarders or Say YES YES YES and YES to the dresses! or perhaps Wife Hunters. 

But the show! THE SHOW! Is just so good. I mean, these women canNOT hide their emotion. The main guy, Kody, is basically courting a 4th wife, Robyn, who was introduced to him by his first wife Meri. (WHAT is with the name spelling, you rogue Mormons you?!) (oh and don't get me started with the names in this show. One little girl is NAMED Banana) Anyway...the wives are all talking about Robyn who is much younger at 30, and one of them says "she's cute. Real pretty. Am I jealous? no. Kody's a good man. He deserves a trophy wife. He deserves a cute girl." And the camera goes over to one of the other wives who looks PISSED at that comment, like she is DYING to be all "BITCH PLEASE, I AM THE TROPHY WIFE"

What I realized, again, in watching this show is that I watch WAYYYY too much HGTV and that it's affecting my life. When Kody moved Robyn into a new house I was all..."Those aren't even granite countertops! No stainless appliances??? LAMINATE FLOORS???? Cheap bastard!"

So yah. My move to TLC from HGTV may be a lateral one, but I think it's good I branch out at this point in ANY direction.

Ladies...watch your purse....

someone left a purse in a bar and when the bartender went through it to find the owner this list was in there. I am DYING laughing!!!! Also...what is a moondoggy??? a dessert?? If this is YOUR list fess up!

I mean Geez! I thought I had a lot to do on MY 'to do' list! This may even beat Kristina's annual resolutions!

Thursday mash-up

 QUOTE OF THE DAY:

"You could taste the resentment in her cookie"

-judge on Top Chef Just Desserts

RE: Glee's Britney Episode....I'm only gonna say this once cuz it's just embarrassing...john stamos has never been hotter.

there.

Also for my one friend, you know who you are, who 5 yrs ago said, and I quote "I'm sorry, but Britney is totally OVER." 

yah. HHHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAH! 

It's hard always being right. but SOMEone's gotta do it.

UNRELATED: (but in the theme of music)

Here's a video for your almost-friday-but-not-quite-day. Oh man. This cracked me up. I'm gonna start doing this for when people annoy me in class. It's a long one but It's worth it. watch it during your lunch break or something.  mmmm...lunch....not a good sign to be craving lunch already at 8 am.....but mmmm, LUNCH!!!

Seriously. I can barely type. My fingers have melted into the keys. This has, thus far been the CRAPPIEST fall in the history of all Falls. Can I just tell you that it was 113 degrees on monday. 113! In downtown LA. They THINK, because actually once it hit 113 the thermometer broke.

Which brings me to the poor poor state of Ca that the entire city of LA has only ONE thermometer apparently. And YET Lloyd, the park caretaker at my local park, was showing off the new fancy park garbage cans which are electronic and have a light telling you when it's full or not. Hmmmmmm. Well, anyway, Lloyd LOVES those cans so that makes me happy. Especially since last month he was bitching to me about how he now has to take forced friday no pay furloughs. They can't pay the park people but they CAN pay for electronic garbage cans. hmmmmmm.

But whatevs. I saw two AWESOME movies this week. The Social Network (MUST SEE!) and Wall Street (ALSO MUST SEE!) When the weather is scary hot, movies are the way to go. So go see those movies!! (although seeing two movies where people are dealing in the BILLION dollar spending bracket, your target bargain buys may seem less significant)

And for my last complaint...how am I supposed to buy hoards of halloween candy bars when it's too damn hot to eat them?????

Some stuff to make your MONDAY better!

Will.I.am. ROCKS!! (you'll be humming this all day. trust.) (if it doesn't make you smile all day long, you might be needing "depressed turtle" --see below)

On other fronts, A german toy company has released Stuffed animals with mental illnesses! 

HAHA! FINALLY! Man, when I was a kid the most we ever had as diversity was a black baby doll. If someone had just given me OCD hippo I wouldn't have felt like such an outsider! And seriously, don't you just wanna give depressed turtle one giant hug!? Would my sister in law be offended if I got one of these for her new nursery?? I'm loving the identity crisis sheep, which for all purposes, might actually be useful for my poor soon to be born irish/polish niece or nephew.

If facebook existed YEARS ago....

**Thanks dad!

J. Timberlake...watch out! There's a new Automation in town!

This is a boy band music video ad....

....FOR BIOLOGICAL LAB EQUIPMENT.

"pipettin' all those well plates baby, sends your thumbs into over dri-ive... Spendin' all nights in a lab makes it hard for your love to thri-ive..."

yes. yes it DOES make it hard for my love to thrive!

Make sure you watch to the end because it just gets better and better and yes you WILL be humming this tune....Girl, it's time to automa-ate!!

I'm thinking my new name will be "K money dawg"

Last night in Hip Hop, a brotha came up to me after class. He said, and I quote "GIRL....I don't know who you are but you BETTER be comin' back every single day because I saw you and you got it! GIRL...YOU.GOT.IT!(snaps his fingers)

Oh, and before you ask.
1. No, he's not blind (I don't think)
and
2. No, he's not special ed. (pretty sure)
and
3. NO, he's NOT from the insane asylum (most likely)
and
4. NO, he's not the owner who just wants my $$$ (is he?)

He just CLEARLY recognizes latent hipster talent when he sees it.

THAT or maybe he was just encouraging the poor fatty oldie whitey spaz in the back.

LOVE LOVE LOVE

If this doesn't make your day I don't know what will.

Yep. i STILL got it~I'm HAUTEyogabitch

I was flipping through "the top 10 hair trends for fall" and I almost fell off my bed to see that MY HAIR IS TRENDY AGAIN!!!!






I am SO relieved. JUST when I was gonna drop a full car payment on a Brazilian blow dry! Yippee! I wonder when lunch lady arms will be back in?!?! It's around the corner. I can feel it!!

just sad

Has it seriously been 2 whole weeks since I've blogged?? Seriously? I think this is a serious sign that all I've been doing for 2 whole weeks is watching HGTV. I'm on a downward spiral here. I probably need an intervention of some kind. I haven't even watched ANY normal shows (well, except the housewives and the kardashians)(if you can call those normal)(which you really can't)

ANYWAY....I'm even watching Divine Design as we speak. And yes. yes I have registered to win the Urban Oasis apt. in NYC.

Old age is not suiting me well. These are shows MY PARENTS WOULD BE WATCHING.

THAT

AND

I've been taking hip hop classes. yah. you read that right.

HIP

HOP

Can we say DENIAL folks?! If I were a guy, hip hop classes would be my hairplugs.

It's tragic. I need a vacation. Or SOMEthing. Someone write a letter about me to Dr. Phil. QUICK! Save me!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS. ANyone watching "thintervention?" HILARIOUS.

Happy "LABOR" DAY!

Just call me Lady Bump Bitch

I can't stop watching this cuz it's fascinating and hilarious and and....they call me LADY BUMP! What?



Love the hair. LOVE the screams. Love the bad dancing. Love the line "they call me lady bump...just look at me and you'll know why".... cuz I have NO IDEA why. Love the really bizarro decor. LOVE IT ALL!

It's always good to have goals.

Ah. For ONCE it's all chilly and foggy in sunny LA. I am snuggled up in bed, laptop on lap, mug of steaming coffee in hand, wrapped up in my new fluffy white spa robe, recently "purchased" from Fat Ranch Camp. ('gift with purchase' is what I say!) Life is grand....

....until it gets to 100 degrees today as the news is reporting. Yuck. I am the rare individual who HATES heat and summer. The word SEPTEMBER is like music to my ears. Fall is my FAVORITE time of year! YAY FALL! Anything ending in 'ember' is JOY JOY JOY!

Fall is like My New Year. I like to set goals and plans. THIS year I am turning the big FOUR -OH. So I am for sure diving right into mid life crisis mode WHAT AM I DOING WHO AM I WHERE AM I GOING IN LIFE AND WHY DO I STILL LOVE OREOS AT THIS AGE???

When I take an inventory of my life I have this...TWO Lazy ass dogs,



TWO cars...one of which I DON'T EVEN WANT, a very yellow living room, and a serious new addiction to House Hunters on HGTV. The fact that I even WATCH HGTV is s HUGE sign of crossing over to the dark side of adulthood. I LOVE THIS SHOW. Why do old people love homes so much?? I can't get enough of it. And when I do a tivo binge I feel dirty afterwards. I feel like HGTV is the new Lawrence Welk/Merv Griffin show. it just screams I AM OLD NOW. Well, at least I haven't started watching Wheel of Fortune and Price is Right...YET. (if you have to do a google search on Lawrence Welk and or Merv Griffin because you have no idea who they are? I HATE YOU)

SO. My goal for this new year? Marry rich and have a baby and have Candice Olson do a divine design on my nursery and kitchen. Shallow? sure. But all I have to say is...it's all about the backsplash in the kitchen. Basket weave marble here I come!

HOME SWEET TiVo!

I'm baaaaack! I have loads to unpack and my house is a filthy mess b/c my housekeeper is having health problems (which I wanna be sympathetic and all, but WHO IS GONNA VACUUM????)

In between watching all my Tivo'd shows and attempting to unpack, I figured I'd share the love of marcel. Don't worry. It's family friendly. And it kinda made my day.

This has nothing to do with fat camp

This is the video you find on your son's computer that makes you realize you will most probably have a son-in-law named Bruce in about 12 years.

FAT CAMP: DAY 4 : and shasay to the left JAZZ HANDS!

I just wanted you to see for yourself how the pool is completely empty. This was taken by me. The only person lounging by the pool. Everyone else at fat ranch camp was off hiking or biking or whatever stupid outdoor type lame thing they were doing. I was enjoying my morning coffee and USA Today news.

Why have a pool if you're not gonna LOUNGE by it, I say.

Today I only had TWO dance classes and then a Mud Wrap. YUM. The mud wrap was incredible.

But the REAL highlight of the evening was the Dance show. Which yours truly was in. Dare I say a star was born tonight?



yes. yes I do.

FAT CAMP: DAY 2 (3? 4? I've lost track)

One of the perks of Fat Ranch is that you get an allotment of "treatments" like massages and stuff. They have like HUNDREDS of different treatments ranging from your normal average deep tissue massage to freaky "shamanic Journey." (no judgments) (but, HAHAHHHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHA! FREAK!)

I booked your standard massage/facial/mud wrap/mani-pedi treatments and then I swore I would try one of their weirdo ones. And believe you me...I did the LEAST of the crazy. It is called WATSU. Which is WAter+shiATSU. I guess SHITER would have been a less appropriate abbreviation.

um. yah.

You lie in a really pretty indoor pool, which is warm and salt watery and a "healer" or whatever moves you around and stuff. When people around here speak of it they get all "ooooohhhhhh you haaaaaave to do WATSU!"

yah.

Basically this is it.....



except.....

I didn't have Fabrizio there swirling me around. I had Grandma Time with bling in her teeth. When she was prepping me for my swirly water "massage" she goes "looks like you'll float REAL GOOD"

BITCH-SU.

I was trying so hard not to laugh the whole time. And all I could think was "is it over yet? is it over yet? is it over yet?"

So. That rounded off day 2 of fat camp. Tomorrow I have a nice normal mud wrap.

Did I mention I took like 3 dance classes today? I'll let you know that I have a RECITAL tomorrow. There may or may not be video footage.

Fat Camp: DAY 1

First off this place is HUGE. I still don't have my bearings. We're in the arizona hills in Tucson. I mean it's nice and all. If you have a fondness for cacti. LOTS of cacti (scrabble word!!)

I took my first "ZUMBA!" class today. We don't have ZUMBA! at my gym. We're too "high fallutin" for all that latino crap. I have heard many good things from people around town about ZUMBA! (that's how they ALWAYS say it ZUMBA!!!!!) It always sounded lame to me.

So here's what I have to say about it.

It was a bunch of middle aged ladies and their gays. On meth. And mineral water.

They shout the word ZUMBAAA!!! About fifty million times. The instructor was Charro and Richard Simmons all in one. On meth.

It's a combo of every single aerobics class you've ever taken ALL IN ONE set to latino dance tunes. I felt like I was on the lido deck on the Love Boat, with all the silver haired ladies and their young gay studs. It was fun.

The schedule here is insane. I brought a STACK of books to read...imagining myself sipping mai-tais by the pool. no.

I have eaten a TON today. The problem with Canyon Ranch "fat camp" is that you have 3 restaurants here, with yummy albeit healthy food, and you can order WHATEVER YOU WANT. And it's included in the week. So, FREE!

I hate to say that I have already begun hoarding the choc chip cookies. But they're HEALTHY. ALL twenty of them!

Oh well, at least I'm working out.

AND I get my first of MANY massages tonight! Yippee! YAY FAT CAMP with choc chip cookies and massages!!!! I HEART DIETING!

MY ROOM


It's cute how they have a couch. As if you get to just sit around ever. But I am making some fun senior citizen style friends. One thing is, when you get a group of old fatties around , they have LOTS of character.

My computer time is up. Time to get to my 5pm lecture on I can't remember what but I have a purse full of cookies to see me through it!

calo-mine, calo-mine, calomine lotion!

I'm leaving for fat camp now. :( I just threw away packed up for the drive my last package of oreos. vanilla. yummm.

Pray for me brother and sisters of the united pentablogal church. And ye brethren of the Latter Blog Saints.

And don't worry Words-With-Friends friends! I am SO ON. And let me tell you that my shamanic healing life/tennis coach at fat camp will help me BEAT YOU ALL. Screw Tennis and hiking and golf! pff! I will be poolside with my phone stealthily hidden in a "book". (cell phones aren't allowed at fat camp)(but as I say to the police...it's not a PHONE. It's an IPOD.)

and to think, The ZOO used to be a safe place to take the kiddies....

All I can say is that I was CRYING laughing....not so much at the ACT going on here, but more just A: Listening to the kids reactions and B: thinking of the poor parents having to explain this to their kids after their trip to the zoo.

And also C: Guys are SO STUPID and it's obviously in their genetic primal make-up!

Forgive me.

A deep and meaningful post

TV
Hey. whatever happened to male daytime talk show hosts?? Not Jerry Springer. But where's the new Montel or Phil Donahue?? I was flipping channels yesterday and it was just one chick after the other. And on that note...what happened to Jenny Jones?? Sally Jesse? Where are they now?? I wish they would make a reality show of all has-been talk show hosts. HA! That would be good. Right?

And while we're on that subject, when oh WHEN is Bravo gonna do The real GAY housewives of wherever. I don't even care. I mean that would be THE BEST SHOW EVER!!! DO YOU HEAR ME BRAVO!!??

Also, Project Runway is BOR-ING this season. Everyone is all buddy buddy and subdued. And Design Star? I'm sorry, but that's the sorriest bunch of "designers" I've seen yet. Last week's "dining rooms" were all like the ugliest dining rooms EVER. Has all the talent been exhausted??

MOVIES
I saw 'flipped' last night. Cutest movie. Took me RIGHT back to the era of my childhood. I mean, it was WAY earlier than MY childhood, but it was still kinda the same. It was nice to just watch a REAL movie with no crazy effects and no puzzles and twists. Delightful, is what I say.

Can't WAIT to see EAT PRAY LOVE!! I'm just gonna go ahead and brag that the producer who is also the producer of GLEE used to take my yoga classes religiously. Until he got all busy and popular and stuff. I realize I sound like one of the stupid housewives of DC (also BOR-ING) so I may even go so far as to say that I made that guy who he is. through yoga. yah. TOTALLY. He better THANK ME at the Oscars/Emmy's WHATEVER! I bet he even THOUGHT of Glee during one of my classes. I bet.

ANNOYING
Yoga students who come to class late AND IN 5 INCH HIGH HEELS.

Whole Foods...always on this list. They're supposed to give you a 5 cent credit if you bring your own grocery bags and don't use one of theirs. Yesterday I spent $50 and just put it all in my giant purse/bag and the bitch didn't give me my 5 cent credit so when I asked about it she goes "that's if you BRING A BAG...your purse doesn't count." And she for real wouldn't give me the 5 cent credit! WTF?!?!? I HATE THEM WITH MY SOUL.

The real housewives of DC

Yoga students who chew gum in class. The buddha hates you.

Owning 2 cars. When you're single.

HILARIOUS
Teenagers who swear up and down that they will pay for a car if you buy it for them.

THIS....(for my UTE fans)

PARENTING: FAIL

The other one moved out last night. Maybe I should consult Dr. Spock next time??

On other fronts...this oughta make your day! (watch the whole thing even if at first you think it's lame)

Genius

I got this email from a friend today....

Hello everyone,
Sorry about the group nature of this email.

It is my birthday (my 3_th, can you guess?) on 8/4.

Instead of lavishing me with expensive gifts, luxurious getaways to exotic destinations, or stays at 5 star hotels, why not change things up this year and make a donation to a pet rescue organization?

Molly's Mutts and Meows is a great, Los Angeles based, pet rescue organization. I met them at a pet event at Whole Foods in West Hollywood, CA and have been impressed by their professionalism and dedication to animal welfare.
So, how about making a donation to Mollys Mutts and Meows?

Follow this link to make a secure, financial contribution to pets in need
http://birthdays.causes.com/wishes/2441





THis is like, THE BEST WAY EVER to remind people of your birthday without looking like you're reminding people of your birthday! GENIUS!!!!

I also SO appreciate the way he snuck in the presents he really did want too. I am kicking myself for not thinking of this!

SO, be prepared at some point in early NOVEMBER to be making some "donations" for my bday!!!

An uplifting sunday message

QUOTE OF THE DAY:
When someone tells me to just roll with the punches, I roll the punches directly at their face.
-thedayhascome

This video cracks me up. ****WARNING***STRONG LANGUAGE****DO NOT PLAY AT WORK****

Hello motha. Hello Fatha. Greetings from Camp. Hiawatha.

QUOTE OF THE DAY:
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.
- Miss Piggy




I've had enough. I just enrolled for fat camp. One whole week. Aug 22. I might die of no TV. I'm SURE they don't have tv there. I got a private room just in case. So I can at least have netflix streaming...wait, they better have wifi! I'm sure I'll be sneaking into the regular people's spa getaways for any wayward gourmet snacks left behind. I wonder if they search your luggage? I hope it's not all like lock down rehab. I mean, not that I've been to rehab. But I HAVE been in lockdown. Aka, juvie.

But Juvie wasn't all that bad. Bible camp. Now THAT was bad. {shiver} Yah. It's true. I was once a Jesus Jammer. I bought Jesus friendly rock albums. I was a "Job's Daughter" aka Jobie. I was a regular in Young Life (does that even exist still?) I went to Bible camp at least 3 different summers. Maybe even more. I was undefeated in the bible verse memorizing championships. I spent an entire summer working in my Uncle's Bible Bookstore in Tyler, Texas....stealing Bibles and Precious moments figurines to give to my bible campy friends. My last summer at Bible camp I was 16 and my friend and I snuck into the cabins during morning vespers to steal the camp counselors' ID's so we could get into bars when we got home.

It was never meant to be, me and the Jesus. I think what you should NEVER teach children is how no matter what you do, Jesus will forgive you, cuz that's all I took away from a lifetime of sunday school. That I could be really bad, and at say, 80 or so, I could beg for forgiveness and all would be well! No one paid more attention to 'the prodigal's son' story more than me!

wait. where was I? Oh yah. fat camp. yah. so I haven't been to camp since my holy roller days. I fully expect that nothing has changed and that even if I am approaching 40, I will probably still be breaking into the kitchen madly hunting for chocolate ganache.

So, pray for me, children of Israel, that I may be lead to the garden of apple fritters during my stay at fat camp. Because I am already in such a panic that I am planning my entire saturday around getting to the newly opened LA outpost of Magnolia Bakery to beat the crowds and get my 2 cupcakes and banana pudding and key lime cheesecake all before it has to end on that fateful day of Aug. 22.

I would beg for God's mercy right about now, but I still have those stolen Bibles to repent for, and I'm not 80 yet. So you guys pray FOR me k?

gotta get to the bakery church.....

more hassle than birthing a kid.

It all started with one email.


Be sure to bring these items with you:
• A valid, government-issued photo ID
• Your Social Security number
• A debit or credit card
*your right eyeball
*proof of American citizenship (arizona only)
*SAT score
*Notarized letter from President of the Unites States stating you are worthy of owning iphone 4

honestly it was downhill BEFORE that email, whence I had to sign up for the damn phone and get on their "waiting list" where you had to GO INTO the store itself, whereupon (see how I'm actually USING my english degree here?) a high and mighty "genius" put you on a waiting list by going to the mac website and adding my name. Something EASILY done at home. But no. They make you work for it.

Long story longer...
Had to pay $60 IN SALES TAX. On a $199 phone. hmmmmm. That's some FUNNY MATH
Found out AFTER I got home that my operating system doesn't meet the precious baby's "requirements"
New operating system is $169
Purchased said operating system...My computer doesn't have enough memory for said operating system.

OBVIOUSLY I returned the phone, right? RIGHT?!?!

I feel like one of those ladies whose boyfriends beat them up every friday night after they've lost their paychecks on black jack and bud light and I'm all "but he LOVES ME. He'll change eventually. HE SAID HE WILL!!!"

The shame.

But hey. call me! face time!

oh. and ps. the phone barely even works as a phone. I now need to get a "bumper" for the baby so I don't drop every call. What's next? an i-bjorn carrier?

I LOVE YOU MS. HANNIGAN

Ms. Hannigan was seriously misunderstood.

I get that now. She was no evil villain! What the story neglects to tell you is how Ms. Hannigan had to spend YEARS dealing with TEEN girls. They don't SHOW that part in the movie. They don't SHOW how HORRIFIC Annie would have been during puberty! I mean, she was a REDHEAD! Can you even imagine the torture she would have endured when Annie turned, say, 19!?

OF COURSE she hated little girls cuz she KNEW that they grow up to be money sucking, time sucking, blood sucking black holes in the universe. NO WONDER they love vampire stuff so much! it's in their NATURE.

Seriously someone needs to do the untold Ms. Hannigan story. I gotta say I am MORE than ready to take a bath of cheap vodka too! I totally GET HER!

Long story short. Tslave high tailed it back home on tues. She "couldn't take the pressure." THE PRESSURE!!!!!!!!....of getting a job. That just really got to her, ya know? That whole working thing? She said, in between sobs, and I quote "I CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS! I CAN'T WAKE UP EVERY.SINGLE.MORNING. SICK TO MY STOMACH! THAT I HAVE TO GET A JOBBBBBBBBB!!!!"

I can't even type in enough caps on that one. We need a double caps key for teen speak alone.

Buying a car for a 19 yr old who was going to pay half the payment? Yah. we all knew THAT was a bad idea to begin with.

I don't get teens today. I was NEVER like that! I worked from 15 on. AND, parking tickets aside, I was basically PERFECT. (I think if you live anywhere in Northern California you maybe just heard an old man named Larry choke to death)

Well, I still have the sister. but she's 20. I think that makes some sort of difference. She shed a tear or two when Tslave got on the plane. But as soon as she got back into what is now HER brand new car, those tears dried up fast. I suspect they were less "tears" and more 'bausch and lomb'.

I'm gonna go take a double vodka bubble bath now!

Well, it's a start, and That's good enough for me!

I have had such a stressful/annoying/busy couple of weeks. I've got blogs. yes. I do. But for now, this made me smile and relax for the first time in DAYS! Enjoy!

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!!

T.G.I.-SGF!

I HAD a post for today. But I am still laughing at these. They have already made my weekend.







And if you don't already read her site regularly then run click don't walk click over there! She's practically my best friend! never met her before in my life

Remember when you were supposed to do your homework and you were all "I can't WAIT to be out of school so NO MORE HOMEWORK!" yah.

HEY! Did anyone know that it costs OVER $300 to insure a 19 yr old in a car?

PER MONTH.

$320.

PER MONTH.

Yah. I didn't know that EITHER.

Black Cars are the New Binky

I spent all day yesterday getting Tslave (that's her new LA rapper name) a car. I didn't mean to. I went to get MY car washed at the dealership and one thing lead to another and also I'm "ridin' the crimson wave" and hadn't had enough coffee and poof!


I am EXACTLY the target for whom car salesmen hold weekend seminars at the airport econo-lodge. The quintessential female "suckah."

There are so very MANY levels about this purchase that were wrong, not the least of which is the mere fact that Tslave still hasn't even passed her CA driver's test! I didn't mention that as I was signing the paperwork.

details details

(The upside: SHe can take HERSELF to the DMV to pass that test!)

All I can say in my defense is that I was under the duress of a month of listening to "P*ssy" lyrics in MY car.

I have a feeling I would be the type of parent that gave her kids lollipops to just shut them up.

stalkarazzi

Teen slave and Mick bonded yesterday as they stalked and mocked Diane Keaton. We, I mean THEY clearly need a better telephoto lense. I had NO part in this. THEY were parked on our couch as they filmed directly across the street. In NO WAY was I involved and or instigated this behavior! At one point DIane looked directly at us....THEM!





I think she has a great career ahead of her for star magazine.

Public Service Announcement

There ARE some good things that come from having a teen around. They like stuff like KFC. And because of this I FOUND IT!

"What IT?" you ask?

The long lost McDonald's fried apple pie. yummmmm.


As I'm sure you all know, back when someone had the worst idea in the history of ideas, they did away with the fried apple pie and replaced it with the baked aplpe pie. Who even cares about a BAKED apple pie?? From McDonalds? "I'll have a Big mac, super sized fries, and hmmmm, let's see...OOH! A healthy baked pie please! I'm watching my cholesterol don't you know"

Well, The GENIUS buyers at KFC saw an opportunity, and being that it's KFC and not KBC, they were all "F*ck it! Let's just do the fried!"

I tell you, it's the exact same fried apple pie of Micky Dee's yore. I am thrilled beyond belief. I maybe went through the drive-thru TWICE in one day to get them. It was sad. The lady was all "that's it? four two apple pies?? No chicken bowl? Drink? No?"

I think I've hit a milestone in life when the KFC drive-thru lady feels sorry for me.

Anyhoo. all I can says is 2 for $1!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS...you think I'M CRAZY? Yah. There are others.

PPS. I swear I am not the author of that Investigative chart. I love how it has an entire column for "confirmed" and "rumor". I think I've found my soul mate.

The Dark Side Of Fake Parenting...

Teen Slave had to go to the DMV today. I had to take her. This means I HAD TO GO TO THE DMV FOR NO REASON FOR ME WHATSOEVER!!!!!!!!!!!

This is like, PURE EVIL. I think this should be an installment for Birth Control. Let people KNOW that when if you have/adopt kids, it means EXTRA trips to the DMV. {shudder}

And here's where she REALLY got me back for all the advanced spin classes and 14 hr day "extras" jobs. SHE FAILED THE DAMN TEST!!

This means....you guessed it.....ANOTHER TRIP TO THE DMV!!!

Kill me now.

Yogabitch is the new Dr. Spock

I am really thinking of turning this blog into a child-rearing/dog training advice column. Okay fine. Just child rearing. That seems to be my forte anyway. Who knew!?

Today's column: How to find some" ME" time away from the kids

You find yourself having to entertain your teen 24/7? Take them out to expensive meals? Tired of having to pay for TWO movies and TWO mani/pedis and TWO massages??? Need a good chunk of alone time w/out hiring a handler/baby sitter? WELLLL.....

Make them be extras in a low budget tv show/movie. Yesterday Teen Slave worked from 5:30 am until 6pm (ON SUNDAY!)!!! Today she started at 6:30 AM and will get out MAYBE by 5.

YAY SWEAT SHOP STYLE LABOR aka hollywood!!!

I've had my nails done, taken 3 naps, bought mochas for ONE and watched MUCH needed hours of Law & Order SVU: The killer coeds marathon.

The Pitfall? They might complain and refuse to get up. But never fear! You just nip that in the bud immediately by saying stuff like "wow! maybe TODAY you'll get to MEET Angie Harmon like how you got to talk to Lorraine Brocco yesterday!!" ( LOTS of exclamation pts helps)

My methods may seem rogue but hey! My nails look sooooo good!

TGI FREAKIN-F

QUOTE OF THE DAY:
Remember ladies, when entering a room, greet everyone, and soon, you'll be invited and entitled to the grandeur!
-"money can't buy you class" The countess

I had free time on my hands b/c I put teen slave to work. She was an extra on a tv show today. She was SOOOO excited, until hour 9 when she was STILL working. heh heh. THAT'll teach her to borrow my hoodie w/o asking! Seriously, I should write a book on how to torture your teen. Who knew I'd be such a natural at this whole parenting thing!

I am mourning the season ending Of RHONY. My friend and I were shopping at Barney's today, depressed that we've me our shoe quota for the year already (last year), and we were talking about Ramona's fake wedding and what everyone was wearing and who looked terrible and whose hair looked the best....as if we were talking about real friends at a real wedding.

Then we talked about how depressed we were that we DIDN'T live in France.

But you know what?

Like Jesus teaches... "Money rich and manners poor, Never got the boys too far. Money talks but I just walk when I can't stand it!" (Jesus, or someone just LIKE jesus)

Here are some VERY wise tips for your weekend. nay, your LIFE.

Teen Slave: The Pre-quel

People are DYING to know how I inherited a teen slave (slave-in-training)(and if that's anything like my dog training skills, I'm in TROUBLE)

It all started back in 1992. SO pull up your futon, put on your Eddie Bauer wool sweater, plug in some Ace of Base and kick up your doc marten'd feet.

I was teaching pre-school, which quite frankly is not much different than teaching yoga to spoiled LA brats. There's just less drooling. On the pre-schooler's part. I am one who likes to dominate and boss around. Shocking!

It was a TOTAL white trash preschool in Utah. But it was next door to me. So I put up with teachers yelling at the kids stuff like "you did too hit little malachi...I SEEN YOU DO IT!" and "Don't give Bryce those crackers...HE DON'T WANT NONE!"

Then one day the cutest child ever came in. She was new and terrified and the sweetest 3yr old EVER. She was crying and hiding under a table with these giant blue eyes and blonde hair with long bangs. And the Director, who had big giant fake horse teeth was yelling at her to come out "YOUR MAMA DON'T WANNA HEAR YOU THAT I SEEN YOU CRY LIKE A BABY!" I hated her.

I was all "I'll get her out! I am the kid whisperer!" And of course she was attracted to my natural coolness and charm and came right out and wrapped her arms around my neck and didn't let go. I was hooked. When her mom came to get her I told her I'd babysit ANYtime...for free. (I could kinda tell they were struggling. I can sniff out a single mom a mile away)(besides, no self respecting married couple would ever send their kids to that place)

And she was all "for real?" and I was all YAH! and she was all "ok. how 'bout friday?"

We made the deal and as I was SO excited that I got to watch this cutie pie all to myself, and then.....out trots another scruffy scrapper with a brown ramona-the-pest-bob cut and the teacher says...."here's your mommy!"

Sooooo...there were TWO kids. I was kinda bummed. I was prepared for ONE unpaid kid. Not TWO. And this kid was all confident. And 2yrs old. And all smiley and just screamed TROUBLE.

yah. THAT one is Teen Slave.


Well. Their mom dropped them off friday night and I never heard from her again until SUNDAY night! This was pre cell phone. Well, not pre....but when they were all HUGE and cost $500 and were called CAR PHONES. That's when I made it VERY clear that she could leave them ANY time, no questions asked.



And boy did she! My roommate and I (DD!) used our FInancial Aid money to buy them clothes and shoes and take them to movies etc. They grew up calling my brothers and sisters and friends "uncle" and "aunt". Teen Slave was the one who took scissors to her hair and threw tantrums and screamed in my car that pee was coming out. SHe was the one my younger brother shook his head at and said "she's gonna be TROUBLE when she grows up!" yah.


Then I moved to NY and wasn't around for their high school years. When I was last in Utah we all re-united and Teen Slave was all "I'm interviewing for a job at Burger king this week" and I was all NO YOU ARE NOT. And I made her move to LA with me and register for school. Her sister gets here in July.


Its gonna be an interesting year. FUN. But interesting.

coffee talk

Ahhh. Those blissful hours when teen slave is asleep and I can just have my coffee and my recorded shows to watch. And I'm just gonna go ahead and say this now....Glee kinda sucked last night {ducking all the fists flying through the screen} There was just something so VERY disturbing about Will shaking his ass at Sue while singing "funk." VERY. DISTURBING. And I'm SO confused about the Jesse part. WHy did he turn into such a douche? It's ok though. How can you really follow the lady gaga episode with anything good? SO, I forgive you Ryan Murphy, for making me listen to Finn sing Beck.

Speaking of awkward....Yesterday after I taught class we were headed down the elevator to my car and it was me, teen slave, and...FABIO. For real. She didn't know what to do with herself. The look on her face was PRICELESS. He just kinda stood there smiling. I mean what DO you do when you're Fabio and you're in an elevator with people?? Which of course made me think wow...imagine poor Fabio on a first date! I mean, how do you even MEET that expectation of Fabio when you ARE Fabio?! You think he has to show up on a horse each and every time? Poor guy. What if he wants to take you to Olive Garden? I just don't think he can get away with that.

I also took teen slave to open her first bank acct. at my bank. And they said as we were sitting there, that for the referral, I would get a whopping $25. The Bank lady says this with the enthusiasm AS IF she just said $2,500. Teen Slave looks over at me and goes "You're WELCOME!" And no. She wasn't being sarcastic. I almost smacked her upside the head. But I held my cool and just said "yah. That's about what you cost me PER HOUR." Does she NOT understand how many more spin classes/colonics are in her future??? (thanks Nikol!!)

I also took her to register for her college classes. She was told she would have to take an english placement test. But she had already passed english 101 in her first year of school. SO she had to go to a different office and ask if she REALLY had to take that placement test. We wait in line. She approaches the guy behind the desk JUST like this.

GUY BEHIND DESK: How can I help you?
HER: Hi. I was just wondering why the hell I have to take a placement test for english when I already passed english.

Being that the guy behind the desk had tattoos on his eyelids he didn't even bat a tattooed eye when she said that. I, however was horrified. Looks like we have to work on some people skillz today. You know, for when she addresses people who AREN'T ex-cons on work-release.

Motherhood is very challenging. Are babies any easier???

Better enjoy my coffee before IT wakes and asks me what the hell is for breakfast.