holiday tips from dad

Here are some tips to consider when you are at those holiday parties:

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet
table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see
carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum
balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt
scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch.
You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares
that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going
to turn into an eggnogaholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have
one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of
gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of
your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or
whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It 's like buying a sports
car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat
other people's food for free. Lots of it.

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.
This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the
buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of
eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before
becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of
shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or
if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always
have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have
some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party
or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Re-read
tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Have a great everything!!!!!!

the perfect holiday recipe...

this is what I have had for breakfast the past 5 mornings....

1/2 zoloft
1/2 speed
triple gingerbread latte.

Friends are amazed at my great disposition, family are awed by my pleasant demeanor...it's the perfect holiday breakfast cocktail.

you're welcome.

happy birthday to meeeeeee!!!

Well, another day, another year older. THIS year, I got, as an early present, a prescription for Zoloft. So, now with my zoloft/adderral cocktai, you can actually start calling me again and I will be LESS likely to yell at you. (though, no guarantees) SO bring on the birthday calls!!

When my shrink said, too matter of factly for my liking, that I was depressed, I started arguing with him, which he in turn said was a sign of depression (see blog about NOT ever dating a shrink) I was QUITE certain that my measure of whether I was depressed or not was quite scientific. You know that commercial where they voice over says "WHO does depression hurt?" and it shows various scenes of depressed people neglecting their kids or zoning out at work etc.....well they also show the sad forlorn dog sitting by the door pathetically holding a tennis ball in his mouth. just sitting there because his depressed owner is too depressed to play with him.

THAT used to be my depression check point, because I would say to myself "oh, well, I am NOT depressed because I do in fact, every single goddamn morning, play ball with my spoiled brat dogs" and then I look at said dogs, passed out on their designer dogs beds, exhausted from their morning ball playing and I say "you guys don't EVEN know how good you have it! You could ba like that sad dog with a depressed owner!"

But alas, that check point was wrong. when I drove away from the shrink's pad, I was so confused. I kept thinking "how did that happen to me? My dogs never sit by the door with a sad look holding their ball...I CAN'T BE DEPRESSED if I play ball with my dogs!!!" it just didn't compute.

then the light bulb went on. Here's the X factor i had not calculated....

MY dogs would NEVER just sit by the door with a ball in their mouth looking sad. It actually would never even occur to them. When they want to play ball, they stalk me around the house, each with a ball in their mouth. If I try to ignore them via depression, one drops the ball repeatedly on my lap, while the other shoves the ball in my face over and over. If I still try to ignore them in my depressive state one will drop the ball, stare at the ball and bark..., while the other climbs 80 lbs of fat yellow fur on my lap and hovers over my face mere centimeters away, breathing HARD with the ball in her mouth growling. My depression was masked you see, by obnoxious relentless labrador pursuit. Good think I had a shrink intervention!

anyhoo, back to MY BIRTHDAY. I'm off to vegas tonight to celebrate. Hopefully I'll catch a good .99 cent buffet. I like all things COACH and Pottery Barn. just in case anyone was wondering.

lonnnngggggg day.....

today was one of those long ass days where all you wanna do is come home and throw yourself on the couch and veg out to mindless tv like Next Top Model or people's court or something like that. But no, you throw yourself on the couch and your two cooped up dogs think this is a sign to wrestle and/or play ball. so even though I am completely ignoring them one is staring at me while dropping a wet ball on the couch and the other is pawing me with her fat paw, making what looks like heroin track marks on my arm. I don't even have the energy to swat them away, so like the single welfare mom that I resemble, I just go get the bag of treats and keep throwing them on the floor. Apple needs to make an ipod for dogs or something. where is technology when I need it?!

on modern psychiatry....

what I think is this....if you're a woman you should never fall in love with your shrink.

I've heard of it all the time, and I GET it...I mean there you are on the UGLY couch, pouring out all your evil dark shit, being all vulnerable, and this guy just looks at you with compassion, no judgement, no shock, and tells you that you are fine, you just need a few colorful pills, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. You get to be completely self indulgent and a guy sits there, LISTENING, not interrupting, not watching football, just listening.

So OBVIOUSLY you would fall in love, even if he DOES have a semi-bald head, a combover, is short, and rather resembles freud.

But here would be the downside, if you think about it. He would ALWAYS win any arguement. you don't stand a chance. he will always ALWAYS pull out the soft voice and make you think YOU'RE crazy. And he will have lots of text books to back it up.

Also your kids will be screwed up. In the tradition of the "preacher's kids" who are always goth drug addict athiests, your kids will be serial killers or chess players or something weird and creepy like that.

These are the things I think of when I am paying $200 an hour and listening to him talk. And I also think, "every minute this costs $4. thats a mocha per minute. If I leave to go to the bathroom that's like 5 wasted mochas." So not only do I talk fast, I hold my pee too, try not to sneeze or cough, and I am NEVER never late.

when living in LA has perks...

I just got home from the WORLD movie premier of RUNNING WITH SCISSORS. I was in the presence of SO many stars I don't know where to begin.

So let's begin with the ones I physically touched...voluntarily or not (on their part) There was Joseph Phinnes (yes, you read that right greeps and riddle) (read on my friends, read on) and he is VERY cute in person, and way younger looking than you might imagine. And then there was my intense connection with annette benning and warren beatty. I didn't touch them per se, but we certainly connected as we stood back to back. And then there were the brush-by's with cheryl hines and jill clayburn and jacqueline bisset...just to name a few ole chums from the h'ood. Dave Navarro and I waited for our cars from the valet station and I think I handed a fork to kristin chenowith.

but the MAIN event, the highlight of my life, was meeting and shaking hands with Augusten burroughs himself. If you haven't read RUNNING WITH SCISSORS or DRY or MAGICAL THINKING...do it now! And then see the movie because it's really great and I would say more but I am so overwhelmed by my "peers" tonight I can't think straight. if I had more nights like that I wouldn't even need a shrink!

i'm sick.

it's friday nite. barely made it home. have fever. achey. barely can type. am starting to get chills.

this is a result of rescuing 2 baby kitties from the nasty ghetto druggy park down the street and said kitties were laced with nasty germs and fleas and crack dust and the asian bird flu.

anyways, snoop dogg is on "weeds" tonite. thank GOD for small favors.

little ipod on the prairie...

First there came the internet/cable combo package with the "movie" tier option.

(i stopped calling people in the evenings)

Then there was On Demand.

( i stopped calling going out in lieu of "catching up" on entire seasons of shows I otherwise would not have watched)

Then there was TiVo.

( I never left the house on weekends)

Then there were podcasts and ipod downloadable tv shows.

(patient could now leave the house armed with portable tv and make it to starbucks to watch missed shows. patient was able to function in outside world again and no longer sported bed sores from late nite Tivo watching)


NOW....they have made available FOR FREE missed tv shows that are now watchable online!!

(patient has retreated to bedroom with laptop and is now able to order meals on wheels while watching the CSI season premier from 3 weeks ago and answer emails all at once)


I feel overwhelmed. Having this much responsibility is too much for the modern woman. we can't just DO IT ALL. gone is the simplicity of the cleavers and the cunninghams who just had to turn the tv on and off. ahhhh...simple times. simple times.

happy yom kippur!!

well well, here comes Fall. And what I love most about autumn is watching nature's changes as we transition from regular lattes to pumpkin lattes, bundling up all cozy in longer shorts and transitioning from tank tops and flip flops to tee-shirts and leather slides...watching the fake plants at pottery barn shift from cherry blossoms to scarry halloween twigs...thank god for mother nature's ever changing ways.

And who ever knew that fall brings on lots and LOTS of jewish holidays? it's weird that I would move from NY to LA and learn MORE about the jews. The puzzling thing is that there are WAY more jews per capita in my neighborhood than good bagels. And to me, that is very very disturbing and puzzling. Why? I ask. LA just challenges me on every level.

Anyhoo, on more interesting news, I have 2 new BIG announcements.

1. I GOT CABLE!!!!!

2. I also got a new roommate.

SO let me tell you all the new exciting stuff....ANTM seems a little wacky this season...I mean CYCLE...the girls are very young and way way dumber than ever. Which is why I am so excited to watch. Mo-nique and Melrose are my fav's. I mean without them it would actually be boring. and then let's talk about tyra's hair. I just can't take her seriously this cycle. the short hair? when did jerry curl come back? I missed that in the Gap Skinny pant ad. And then there's "heroes" which I can tell is like the new x-files and will drive me crazy with anticipation for the next few years or so...

I can't even keep writing...there are too many shows and too little time....

oh yah, and my roommate's great too.

i am citizen, no?

I am in NYC right now. Haven't had time to post b/c computer has been tempermental and I have been spending all free time enjoying TOO much coffee, so I can't exactly think...or rather my thoughts race so fast I can't type. anyhoo, so I was on the subway today, standing, and the guy sitting next to me was studying what could only have been a citizenship test. It was half in russian or something, and then half in english. So I was reading the questions on the whole page, and I can honestly say that I did not know even ONE answer. not ONE. I would have WAY failed the citizenship test. There were trickster questions like
1.what job does congress do?
2.how many senators do we have?
3.what is the job of the supreme court?
4.who elects congress?
5.who makes the laws?
6.what is the house of representatives made of?
7.name 2 of your state's senators.

here were my quick answers...

1.mmm...i dunno
2.a lot? 12?
3.to make laws?
4.ummm, .......THE PRESIDENT! (i know THAT one!)(oops, not really)
5.The PRESIDENT!
6.umm, congress?
7.oh, uh, what's his name. that one guy.


***note to all my zealous DC friends and Jason....I don't NEED to know the answers, because I already know that every one of them was wrong, so as you're rolling your eyes in disbelief, calm those fingers down and DO NOT send me the correct answers. ignorance, is in fact, BLISS.

Here's the point, if stuff like that were relevant OR important, then it would be on TV. A LOT. and it isn't. DO I know how many judges are on AMERICAN Idol? YES! 3! I ain't no retard! I AM AN AMERICAN!!! How many channels on AMERICAN cable...300! how many seasons of AMERICA'S next top model....5! I am a true red/white and blue all the way. I LOVE apple pie.

So I really think the test needs to reflect current american values. oh and also, a quick thanks to my polish and mexican ancestors...god bless em, for passing that heinous test so I wouldn't have to! PHEEEEEE-eeeewww! My ass would be back across the border. Good thing they don't do random citizen testing. (see, we don't REALLY care about all that gov'mint stuff, or they WOULD do random citizen testing!)

ALL i'm saying is this...is it really fair to put the poor immigrants through unnecessary torture for useless outdated information. shouldn't they just be given a map of the mall, all starbucks locales and an US weekly? A dictionary for all idiomatic expressions like "it's allllll good" and "wassup?" and "totally lame" "grande latte" and stuff like that. I'm just saying.

no room for baby jesus...

I still don't have a roommate. I don't know what's wrong. I even had a guy from "queer eye for the straight guy" come look at it. he seemed perfect. Gay, makes good money, kinda famous...but as soon as he said "i LOVE the decor...my moroccan furniture will look GREAT in here" it was the beginning of the end.

there's NO ROOM for more stuff in here. A plasma TV, perhaps. but otherwise I have been very clear in my ads that it is FULLY furnished, and yet this is the third time someone has wanted to come in and re-decorate. It's such a quagmire (old english major rears it's ugly head) I want a gay roommate, except I want the kind of gay that does NOT want to decorate. That just isn't happenning.

ho hum. what's an LA girl to do? I am up to my ears in rent, therapy bills, mocha latte's, and Target is just way WAY too close to me. I am starting to "collect" cleaning products that are "cute" and "pretty" like their METHOD WOOD WIPES and LAVENDER LINEN SPRAY. LINEN.SPRAY. I don't even know what it's for, why anyone would spray linens, except the bottle was nice, and matched my laundry room rugs.

I need an intervention of some sort, I just don't think Betty Ford has wing for this.

Why I hate LA and other cliche's

It is so blase ( I am sure there's a way to accent that last -e- but I don't know how) to hate LA. Everyone Hates LA. I was always the one who said "well, I don't HATE it, it's okay. so now I have joined the masses. I can't find ANYTHING redeemable about it. And when I say that people here look all shocked and say "but the WEATHER! you must at least LOVE the weather!"
nope. hate it. miss the fall. miss wearing tights and jackets and cute furry boots. I wake up and it's just another sunny day. BOR-ING.

and then, there's the freaky people. I can't even post an ad on craigslist without attracting a serial killer who I then invite into my home, as a roommate nonetheless. Harvey. from vegas. mid-forties. an "actor" who works for "central casting" (that's where everyone goes to get put on the EXTRAS list) but he said that was his employer all the while staring at my crotch, asking me if me and my husband lived here while he twitched both his eyes every half second still looking at my crotch.

I deleted my craigslist ad for a roommate so now I am stuck with all the rent. AND I am sharing my perfect spanish pied-a-terre in the city with TERMITES too. I think this is outrageous, while my neighbors think I am being a spoiled diva. here's what peter the downstairs neighbor said "...well YAH, of course there are termites! everyone in LA has termites! you can't just rent a place in LA without termites! In fact, back when I was in college, a termite got into my cable box and just LIVED there forever. I think he just loved it because it was warm, and he could be alone and he would just munch on the particle board. Well, He lived in that box until I moved and turned it in. it was actually kinda cute."

(I am NOT taking poetic license here, this conversation, word for word, actually took place yesterday in my backyard)(if you don't believe me ask the termites. i am SURE they heard)

it got even better when peter went on to say "yah, last year I discovered that they had built a nest in the didning room, so I found their nest and just broke it down. that's just what you do."

Nest? dining room? break it down YOURSELF?!?!??!?!

I think there IS such thing as getting too much sunshine in your life. makes you delusional.

not even white trash...

I have fallen to an all time low. I am not even on the level of white trash because in order to BE white trash, truly and effectively, it is implied that you will have appliances collecting on your front porch. I, on the other hand have NO appliances to put on the porch. I am paying what most people would consider a double mortgage for my perfect 3 bedroom in hancock park, and i have NO fridge, NO a.c. and NO washer/dryer. I paid top dollar because i insisted that I have laundry hook-ups. I do in fact have the hook-ups. And a big empty place in the kitchen wall where sits 2 target ice coolers (that I fully intend on returning when I get my actual fridge) which I have to buy ice for AND drain every 3 days.

So when I went to Trader Joe's last night with my friend I had to just pass the dairy, the frozen goods, basically anything you would need. Her cart was full. I left with 2 bottles of water and a plastic box of fiber muffins. mmmmm. can't WAIT for dinner.

ANGRY MONDAY

I'm having what I would like to call an "ANGRY MONDAY" That's when EVERYTHING is pissing you off and not going your way. And it's monday, so on top of everything being "off" you have a million chores to do. THis is going to be an angry spoiled apathetic brat blog, so I'm just warning you. Because it's only 8:30 AM here in tinselfuck and my "NEW YORK" bagel is dry and stale and cost THREE DOLLARS!*** (Murray's Bagels in NY, one of THE BEST, is only $2.75 and they're THE BEST) and my carmel latte is bitter, too much ice and not enough carmel, and my internet connection is slower than dial up.

***the added bonus here was that I tried to "charm" the new bagel store guy up so that I would get a GOOD bagel and he said "you have a big personality. i bet when you walk into a place everyone notices you...(a pause)...well, when you dress nicer and put on make-up and stuff"

My new dog park that is across the street from Nordstrom's (and you would THINK would be pristine) is totally ghetto and nasty, with garbage and mud and bums everywhere. I don't mind the bums, but in LA you just have to watch out because these bums could be just bums OR they could be violent ex-gang bums from their hey-day in the 80's and early 90's riots who are all pent up, have had too much heroin residue, and are ready to unleash their fury on anyone who walks by. You just never know. SO all bums are potentiallty a threat. AND then this is called the PAN-AMERICAN park so there are about 80 percent OLD asians who are all terrified of dogs. PLUS there are a LOT of runners, who are the yuppie running type who are running with their business partners while discussing hedge funds. SO this so-called morning dog park is like a mine field for me. Oh and I almost forgot, the people who DO bring their dogs are also old and crazy or just crazy and they ALL want to talk to you because you are not 1.asian 2.running 3. a violent bum.

So after all this drama this morning all I wanted was a nice perfect coffee, and a nice perfect bagel while I surfed the net. Nature is clearly against me. ALSO the chores facing me today are the kind you avoid until you can avoid no longer. LIKE....setting up the cable appt, trying to figure out WHICH 9 hour block of day you have to staple yourself home and wait and wait and wait until the last 5 mins of the 9 hour block when they show up only to tell you that you need a special wire that they have to order so when would you like to re-schedule another hook-up appt?

...applying for a parking permit for the street and having to provide every legal document to prove that you do in fact live on that block so you can be ALLOWED a permit that costs $125 to park which you just KNOW will require you to change your address at the DMV which will be a WHOLE OTHER ANNOYING CHORE!!

... and last but certainly not least on my TODO list is the unavoidable (but I've SO been trying to avoid) trip to....to....HOME DEPOT. I don't even know where it is. I don't WANT to know where it is. It was bad ENOUGH last monday when I had to go to, gulp, SEARS, but this is SO. MUCH. WORSE. Why can't I just be a lesbian and have a nice butch lesbo girlfriend to do all this FOR ME? I am not geared for Home depot. I grew up in a single MOM household. we had handy men, gardners, people who did this stuff for us. And back then, if and when we did need say, a nail or hammer, we had a local hardware store, where you walked in, told them what you needed (a nail thingy for wood stuff) they KNEW what you needed, got it for you and wrapped it up so you never had to actually look at it or anything, and you certainly never needed to look for it yourself.

Best if you don't try to contact me today. oh and also, all the plants that my mom forbid me to take, but I took anyway cuz they are SUPER CUTE (potted orange and lemon trees...adorable! and potted ficus trees...super cute pots. and the pretty pink bouganvelia) are all dying because I just notcied that they haven't been watered since I moved. oops. I just figured my new gardeners would just KNOW that I don't DO that. SO on top of all these annoying chores I also have to WATER MY PLANTS!!!!

HE
L
P

Mee
e
e
e
e
e

e
e

e.

My new "hood"

I seem to constantly find myself where I don't technically belong, per se.

I lived in south pas. in the 70's when everyone was catholic, rich and a FAMILY, we were protestant and poor and latch key kids.
I lived in Utah when I was not at all a mormon or a hippie or a skier.
lived in harlem when I was clearly not a blaxican.
lived in pasadena where I was clearly not a married yuppie with 2 kids in private schools.
lived in stockton when i was clearly NOT white tra...okay. stockton kinda fit.

So yet again, I find myself out of my element. I tried to avoid this too. on THIS apartment hunt I kinda tried to avoid West Hollywood, because as my so so wise mother said "WHAT? WEST HOLLYWOOD? don't you EVER want to get married?! Are you just gonna hang out with the gays your whole life?!"

enough said.

SO. I moved to the sweetest neighborhood on the sweetest street in the best location...but I started to look around. It was ALMOST wisteria lane. almost. except for "syd's pharmacy" on the corner, "Brenco judaica bookstore" across from starbucks, and why is coffe bean closed on a saturday? i wondered. Oh and why is everyone wearing those funny big black hats?
oh.
I am in a hasidic Jewish neighborhood.

perfect.

NOW what will I do with my waving santa figurine? My christmas tree that lights up when you walk by? My stuffed snowman that sings "it's beginning to look a lot like christmas..." Will I get vandalized? Will my neighbors hate me? Why the big black hat? why? I saw fiddler on the roof, but they didn't wear the hat. And coffee bean closing on sat? I thought it was bad in utah when stuff was closed on sunday....but the big chains stayed neutral. You could alway go to Barnes and Noble say. or Nordstrom. But coffee bean? that's serious shit. (luckily Starbux has satyed true to the corporate heathen profit dollar and is open) And now I am going to have to be aware of all those weird holidays becasue I am SURE I will be so confused when my bank is closed on rosh hoshana (sp?) and all that other stuff I can't spell.

Oh well. I guess this too will make me well rounded. And my mom will just have to be disappointed yet again, i probably had a better change of finding a kinda straight guy in WEHO than ANYthing here!

ho hum...

This blog brought to you by "THE NEW DIET" infomercial.

I have found THE diet secret. Seriously. It's free, actually SAVES you money, AND I have lost about 20** lbs in 3 days! how? you ask. Wellll....here is it....

GET rid of your refrigerator AND cable just for a few days, 2 or 3 even. This limits you to foods that are sustainable only for a few hours, and or food that can live on a counter, like wheat bread and bananas. Now you may be saying to yourself, "yah, but kiki, I would just eat fast food, the perfect excuse for a McDonalds bender!"

ahhhh, you would be WRONG round eye, so so wrong. This is where the NO CABLE comes in. When there is nothing to watch on TV, and NO REASON to plop onto your couch, you become so depressed that even McDonalds is no longer appealling, cuz really, where are you gonna eat it? inside the actual McDonalds???? GOD NO! You haven't been INSIDE one of those since they had the big plastic Ronald and Hamburglar figurines all around. No, instead you will become sooo frustrated with life, and all the limitations no cable and no fridge put upon you that you will just sigh, grab a stupid protein bar and throw in the towel.

Now you think this is all of it....BUT WAIT! as an ADDED bonus, turn off your electricity too! Without that, there are no night munchies, cuz you can't see anything, and your days of watching nick at nite with a bag of oreos in bed are OVER! Then with nothing to do and nothing to see and no cell phone or computer (they have all lost power too) you have no choice but to get a good night's sleep. AND THEN when dawn breaks, you are UP because you are SO excited that there is LIGHT!! And since no one else is up, and you can't cook any breakfast, or surf the net, or call anyone, you just go out for a walk, given all other opportnities are now exhausted.

AND you just keep walking, cuz really, there's nothing to come home to anyway, so may as well.

SO you see folks, THIS is the foolproof diet we americans have been needing, and it costs you nothing AND your electric bill is nothing!!!

and I am proof cuz my pants all fit now, and it has only been 3 days!!***


**results a-typical

***as an added enhancement to this diet, and for faster weight loss, move out of your 3 bedroom overly furnished house to an upstairs apartment.

the prison yard

"hey hey pretty lady. why dont you come over here so we can get a good look at ya. are those space pants you wearin' cuz your ass looks OUTTA this world!"

you probably thought I was exaggerating...

bedroom gets GREAT sunlight!

what? me? dogs? Never!

MORE creative advertising...

"steps to the mall"= IF and only IF you're King Kong.

"Terraces at the grove..."= By "at" we mean that IF you rent the top unti on a sunny clear day and have 20/40 vision you may be able to catch a glimpse of "THE GROVE" sign.

"completely renovated!"=home depot had a "last chance" clearance sale so things don't MATCH per se, but still, they're new!

"luxury!"=if you were once homeless, and squatted in an adobe hut with a clay floor and no running water and couldn't see the light of day, then you will find a popcorn ceiling, plush shag carpeting, mirrored closets AND doors (pretty girl) and brass trim on EVERYTHING luxurious.

"ultra luxury"=bigger words equal bigger shiny things made of materials from the sixties that have been banned due to toxic shock.

"Courtyard"=couch and/or appliances on porch.

"laundry on premises!" ="now the laundry is right here in the buliding! Just 4 flights down these stairs, turn left, walk around the building, through the alley, and then down the basement stairs, then through the crawlspace, go right and then continue all the way under the building, then double back track through the boiler room, and then right behind the water heater and incinerator, you'll see TWO! washers and dryers! Don't forget your quarters!!"

"art deco"=you will PAY, oh yes you will.



I am still apartment hunting.
well, actually "hunting" would be a good word because that would mean you have a chance in hell of "catching" your prey.
but no.
not so in LA.
it's apartment stalking.

at this point my skills are getting so honed that I could be a P.I. Yesterday Starr and I went about our now daily trek
because I THOUGHT I had found my perfect apartment. I THOUGHT I was done. I just wanted her to see it to make sure that even though it wasn't THE BEST neighborhood, I wasn't crazy to pay $2,200 for it. See once you see soooo many laughable shitholes, you start to lose perspective...you get REAL excited at the mere sight of a real wood floor and running water, and are then willing to pay top dollar for it even if there ARE a few bums in your garage space, even if there ARE two "jewish retirement hotels" on either side of you, even if there ARE no stores with english writing on them in the neighborhood.

So she kinda turned her nose up at it, but we couldn't get inside because of course it's impossible to even get anyone LIVE to actually return your calls, so I tried to break in, and then I tried to break into the "manager's" apt because i KNEW she was home but wasn't answering her door. So all that failing, we decided to walk around the neighborhood, to see if I felt safe. I kept trying to justify everything to starr "see! look! there's a nice building way down there!" "see! look! a nail place where pedicures are only 10 bucks!!!!" "see! a market...or something..okay, a fruit market, but I mean, everyone needs fruit!" "see, how close we are to the grove? the neighborhood is BOUND to get better!" "see, I am surrounded by two retirement homes, yah one is a shelter, but old people are harmless..." I barely got those words outta my mouth when, and i am NOT kidding here, a gun shot went off. We both ducked. I looked at her and said "uhhh, what the fuck WAS that? was that....was that...a GUNSHOT????" She said "YAH! probably!"

We walked in silence. I said " are you sure? you really think that was a GUNHSOT?"

"YEEEEEES!" And then we heard all kinds of police sirens rolling towards us. so she continued "and those are probably the police coming to see who just got murdered."

There goes my "perfect" apartment. (I might still get it)

THIS is how my apartment hunt is going. and this is only ONE episode. Others include such highlights as....

...being invited in to a russian mafia lady's house (it was THE cutest apartment complex ever) and she was sitting in her wheelchair holding a cane, patted the couch and commanded "SIT." I sat. SHe looked me up and down. she looked starr up and down in silence, then turned to me "YOU HAVE PETS?" I choked out in a high pitch "me? noooooo. no pets. nope. none. never had a pet. not me." She squinted at me "NO CATS? NO DOGS?" I gulped. "nope. no pets. just me. heh. heh. just, um, me." I couldn't even look at starr. So she approved of us being able to LOOK at the apartment. Of course it was HEAVEN and a great (2,100) price. The perfect place. For someone with no pets that is.

...(on the phone)...yah, I am a yoga teacher, good income, VERY quiet. Pets? um, yah, I have A dogtwodogs.

...looking at the "lovely 2 bedroom guesthouse" as we walked through the main house, littered with trash and STUFF crammed everywhere. The hippie bi-racial couple was nice as could be, hemp and incence candles burning everywhere, to mask the smell of the TWO INDUSTRIAL WASTE bins and their no-door-garage that was literally cramed floor to ceiling with STUFF, which all happened to be on the walk to the "lovely 2 bedroom guesthouse." They showed me everything and when I said "sooooo, there's TWO bedrooms?" they walked me through the kitchen to where would be an entryway to a backdoor and he said "this is the second bedroom, well, it could be you know, an office, or a...a...guest room, you know, it could fit, a futon or something." He stopped then. even he knew he was lying. On the way out, past the Industrial waste bins that most people only have when they're renovating, but I suspect these guys use for storage, starr said 'PLEASE! you cannot live with those hippie packrats!"

...the toothless manager who "wasn't exactly the manager" (his words) saying "yah, these units is REAL NICE. they got them nice REAL PREGO (not a typo) floors!

old people gone wild

My dad came to visit me for 2 nights.

wait.

that's not entirely true. He needed a FREE place to stay ON HIS WAY elsewhere. It's fascinating to see. I haven't been under the same roof with my dad, and only my dad, for two whole days and nights since...since...I can't even remember. I always THOUGHT he was a nice clean old man, polite, decent. But I realize now that any of THAT was clearly the way of his wife. I got to see, clear as day, where my white trash roots came from. Not just white trash, but polish trash. (the mexican crazy lazy manic bipolar was from mom)(good combo guys, GOOD COMBO) (thank GOD they're sterile now)

Anyhow, as I was saying. FIrst off, he turned his nose up at my "expired" half/n/half which smelled just fine, thank you very much. And were you thinking he needed the h/h for his coffee? no no silly, his CEREAL. Because I only had skim milk (unacceptable) so he poured the rotten h/h in to mix things up a bit. to polish people this makes perfect sense.. a little skim, a little h/h and voila! Whole milk!

Moving right along, after breakfast he just left the dishes in the sink. no rinse. no wash. then this AM he doesn't get a NEW bowl and coffee cup, he just runs the old nasty ones uner the tap. no soap. (it gets better, keep reading) I just watched with fascination. he then goes to the coffee maker, which has the brewed coffee from YESTERDAY still in it, and proceeds to pour it in his rinsed mug. At this point I intervene.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!?!"

him: (matter of fact) well, don't you have a microwave?

"YAH BUT WHY? that coffee is from YESTERDAY. It wasn't REFRIGERATED. It's probably moldy.!"

him: Moldy! ha! where's your microwave? this coffee is perfectly fine. where's the expired half n half?

"BUT that's gross!" and then I notice the bowl and spoon "hey! I HAVE lots of bowls dad. and spoons! Those aren't even washed!"

him: oh well, I rinsed them. they're just fine.

end scene.

Also he had brought this little water bottle with him. the kind from 7/11. and he kept refilling it and putting it in the fridge. I kept asking if he wanted a NEW bottle, a bigger and better and fresher bottle because I AM sure he had that bottle the whole way from San Fran.


I wish I could claim I was adopted. But as I watched I just PRAYED that I would remember this when I'm old. Because otherwise I'm on the same path.

apartment hunt continues...

Today I went to see an "luxury" apt in an "up and coming" neighborhood, "west hollywood adjacent" Now, we knew it wouldn't be so great. the pink building was surrounded by hooptis. Some cars I haven't seen since my "stockton" days. It took the "manager" william, about half an hour to answer the door, and when he did he was twitching and he had a stray eye. he lead us to the alleged apt and opened the door, but the crack family hadn't moved out yet. LaMont and his cornrolls were sitting on the couch watching maury, and our whitey methed out manager said "oh. heh.heh. sorry dude. didn't know you still lived here." Lamont just eyed us up and down. Me, and STARR, and meth head. he was too drugged to protest. he didn't even get up off the couch.

I needn't bother you with the silly details of the apt, only that he informed us that we would indeed need to provide our own fridge. "oh, we neeeeeee-eeever provide the refrigerators man, nope never. tenants have to bring their own. (pause) and then (pause) when you like, move out (pause again) (more pausing....I think he forgot what he was saying)you take your fridge with you! (he said this with excitment, like we would be winning a prize)yep, you just move the fridge in and then you move it back out."

got it. right.

mornin' sunshine

just couldn't resist. I can't even write anything here. if a picture says a thousand hairs....

sunday, brady, sunday

It is yet another crazy hot day in LA. All my Santa monica classes were cancelled because the power is out. Yetserday was 115 dees-grees in Pasadena. Today is MUCH cooler, in at 104. SO I have all this free time on my hands, free time to get some writing work done. BUT there happens to also be a BRADY BUNCH marathon on this weekend....48 hours worth of brady. SO I have had it on non-stop, for company.

It strikes me watching it now, how much I have wanted THAT life. I watched them religiously as a kid. But I hadn't realized how much had seeped into my subconscious (see, I pay all this money for a shrink and drugs, and it all boils down to the BRADY syndrome. I have BRA.D.D.) ALL the men I go for look like Mike. WHo wouldn't want Mike Brady as a Husband. He was perfect! WHich is WHY us GEN-X-ers are so fucked up. We all want mike Brady...he treated Carol well, loved ALL the kids, knew how to have a good time, and was VERY fashionable, brought home the bacon...etc. AND he was gay. Thus, the explanation of the abundance of fag hags...we all just wanna be Carol.

Is it too much to ask that I just want a perfect house, lots of kids (but NO babies, OR childbirth...those Brady's just arrived, like my flowers) and a funny housekeeper? Even to THIS day the quirky things, lessons, if you will, make SENSE to me. Like when Carol says to Marsha "honey...you don't have to pretend to be like those other girls to fit in. Just BE YOURSELF, and you WILL be popular!"

I AGREE! I wanna say stupid stuff like that to my daughter while wearing my size 2 shift dress with a butterfly collar. I wanna run my household, the way Carol does...by letting ALICE do it. I want a gay husband who dresses cute to pay all the bills AND feed the dog. My friend's blog says to imagine SPECIFICALLY what you want and it will manifest. WELL little miss holistic, I HAVE been imagining that for YEARS! where is MY sherman oaks house? They didn't even NEED starbucks...Alice percolated their coffee FOR THEM.

K, clearly I need a Brady Intervention.

wait, speaking of strarbucks, I haven't had any yet. Better go. But the episode where Jan refuses to go to the square dance is on. She wants to be an only child. Oh Jan, you have it SO good. SO SO good.

gardeners...people HIRED to garden, the way GOD meant it to be.

Gardeners are THE BEST.

Everyone should have one.

or 5.

And I just have to take a moment to say, that while living in LA has been challenging, I do LOVE that no one here does their own lawn. That would be weird. I have NEVER seen anyone mowing their lawn here. My Gay-bors across the street attempted their own little flower patch to compete with my lush arboretum, but I laughed at their pitiful effort, called it "cute."

And I especially love that I can leave for coffee on sat morning and return to a whole new yard. It's like, to me, flowers just arrive. I never water them b/c my gardeners set up little tiny hoses into all the potted plants, and my sprinklers are set, by them, on automatic. When things die they sweep them away and plant new. Why just this morning I came home to all new little red looking flowers around my lemon tree. SO adorable. AND they are so fast, in 'n out in a half hour. like elves. only they're mexican (my peeps) and there's an entire entourage, at least 5. And they all arive in a white van, pile out, do the job lickety-split and, voila! They're gone. They don't YELL at me for being white/mexican trash. They don't knock on my door and try to TELL me how to care for these things called, plants. It's like I have my own personal fairy tale.

But my POINT is I am ruined for life. (clearly!) Me and plants/flowers don't mix so well in the "do it yourself" department. Home depot is a BIG mystery to me. Why anyone goes there is so confusing I can't even blog about it. the last time I was in there was when my friend JOE took me to buy a space heater, and we got into a HUGE fight inside.It was the stress of being in there that pushed me over the edge.

My dad tried to instill some lawn mowing to my brother early on (HE lived in NORTHERN ca...a different planet really) and I clearly remember the confusion on his 12 yr old face when he said to my dad "hey dad. why you mowing the lawn? that's what gardeners do!" And I chimed in "yah! Where's yours? is he sick?" My dad was red in the face, trying to start his "GODDAMN lawnmower!" and he stopped, looked at my brother with rage and through clenched teeth said "YOU WILL MOW THE ENTIRE LAWN TODAY AND I WILL TEACH YOU HOW AND YOU WILL NOT COME IN UNTIL YOU ARE DONE WITH THE FRONT AND BACK! IF YOUR MOTHER WASN'T SPENDING ALL MY MONEY ON A GARDENER THEN YOU WOULD ALREADY KNOW HOW TO DO THIS! GARDENER'S ARE THE LAZY MAN'S WAY! YOUR MOM SHOULD MOW HER OWN GRASS"

ooops.

I creeped away, thanking Jesus I was a girl and would NEVER be asked to do that and feeling SO BAD for my brother. But then again, served him right for having such a big mouth! Where WAS my dad's gardener anyway? And if having a gardener is a lazy man's way then guess I knew where I was headed!

Funny how our futures are etched in so young, soo so young.

I am sitting in Starbucks as we speak. It has just cracked past 8 AM and 75 Degrees here in Sunny LA and I am just sitting here minding my own bidness when I look up and the line is winding all around the store and actually out the door. This isn't even a GOOD starbucks (really, they should hire me as a secret critic)(I could publish annual manuals)(hey! I'm a rhymer!)

where was I? oh yah..line out the door, people clamoring and chatting about in ther "armani" casuals(except this being Pasadena, they bought them at ROSS) rolling their eyes at each other in mutual disgust for having to line up like cattle for their morning feed, but chuckling amicably because "oh well, we wouldn't have it any other way! what can ya do?" and in this little eye contact exchange we are all here, bonding, sharing. Starbucks is the new "meeting at the water well." In lieu of buckets we have travel mugs. We meet, fill up, elbow each other at the milk stand (ummm, are you DONE with the skim yet???) chat, fight, gossip.

Just a little morning observation, on my way to teach yoga.

a few more LA tidbits...

More APARTMENT lies...I mean, descriptions.

"vintage"=Grandma passed away last weekend and we need to cut a profit off her old place since she lived WAY past her living trust so we won't even bother fixing it up or moving out her furniture cuz that would be wasting more of our inheritance.
Hope you like cats!

"cute"=cute as it cutesy doll house miniature feel.

"close to the bus lines!"= automatically means THE PROJECTS cuz no respectable angelino even knows what a bus is. Or how to take one, or why anyone in their right mind would WANT to be near a line.

"5 mins from the airport!"= why?

"AMAZING new bathroom fixtures"=amazing that they are still standing because even though they are NEW, they were bought at the Boy Scout Camping Supply store.


ANd more efficient money tips....

STARBUX...if you WANT a GRANDE Iced Latte. STOP. Order A double espresso over ice in a grande cup...then walk your little self over to the milk section and fill er up! WALA! An Grande Iced Latte and you just saved about a buck forty!

FREE PARKING?...Park in any GYM parking lot that validates for 3 hours or more, they'r usually in GREAT urban areas, and then walk, no run (gotta look sweaty) into said gym with goofy face and go "oops, forgot to validate!" and shrug shoulders as you hand them your ticket.

Keep on savin!

Thank you BRAVO, THANK YOU!!

Bravo, you had me at "showdog moms and dads." And just when I thought it might be over between us, when "the real housewives of orange county" ended and you tried to pretend that "Top Chef" could fill the void. No one believed it. So what a surprise when you gave us Stephen...and Tiffany! "I'm not your Bitch, BITCH!" will forever live in our hearts.

And then (oh thank you sweet Jesus!)in the nick of time when the heavy summer july depression hit hard, and "My Fair Brady" was about to end, you surprised us once again with, what may be the best season yet of "Project Runway 3"(I shed a tear of gratitude as I type) It started off a little "yah yah, seen it."

And then.

And then...there was MALAN. Dear sweet boy MALAN! When he showed his mummy his sketches that he drew at a wee 6 years old she THREW them on the floor and screamed "RUBBISH!" I know he only graced our screens for a brief moment, but oh, those were powerful moments. I literally got teary when he was kicked off and he said (read in british accent)"I thought I was paht of something. I've nevuh really had many friends, and I really enjoyed my time with these friends, I just thought it would be, you know, a little longah, I had hoped really"

PLEASE BRAVO, PLEASE give him his own show. It doesn't matter WHAT he does. He can just sit on camera and talk. And then, I will NEVER denounce you again. NEVER! I will promise to keep the faith and I won't even THINK of watching The Apprentice again. I'd even give up ANTM...for a season. I endured Santino way way WAY past his prime, so please, for the greater good, Let's see him in the fall line-up.



Sincerely,

your number one fan

a hint for all things LA...

First, when searching for an apartment here is the dictionary you'd want to consult...

"up and coming neighborhood!" = must be member of affiliated gang and /or welfare recipient. note: don't even think of viewing without the THREE P's...Pipebomb, Pepperspray, Pinto. Whole Foods? Strabucks? but a distant memory...

"cozy"= Doghouse/shed/garage that collapsed and left managable crawl space

"charming"= no floor to speak of (cemenet is the new hardwood), toilet on porch (so cute), kitchen consists of closet space with microwave, washing bowl, and insulated cooler (less is more! Green is keen!)

"great lighting"=no roof (ditto for "exposed wood beams!"...trees have fallen where roof used to be)

"Breezy cross ventilation"=no AC, no fan and nowhere to PUT an AC or fan.

"security system"=bars on SOME windows, neighbor has aging rottweiller/pitt mix

"all original features!"=has not been touched by human repairman since Pa, Ma, and Almanzo lived there.

"small 1 bedroom"=is actually NO bedroom, just what once used to be a built-in shelf, or vestibule for umbrellas

"Private deck"=you could jump on the roof across the way IF you're spry, cuz no one else could do it and/or alley behind unit where the garbage dumpster used to sit but now homeless people have made box seats and box tables for "patio" setting

"plenty of sunlight!"=no blinds,curtains or curtain rods...walls are cement so don't even think of putting any up.

"walk to beach!"=IF you're a seasoned marathon runner, and by "beach" we mean sandy area with pee puddles behind Starbucks.

"Plenty of Privacy!"=you will live in the deep deep woods and/or 200 feet below sea level in abandoned warehouse (loft!) basement with NO windows.


And moving along to some helpful money saving hints so you can actually AFFORD one of those beauties...

ENERGY BARS....Target has boxes of balance and zone bars $3.99/6bars WITH a coupon attached for 2 more free. NOTE: you must get the 6 count boxes WITH coupon attached. IF the flavor you want has no coupon on box simply "borrow" one from other box.

TAMPONS...On sale this week TAMPAX 2/$9....they mean regular tampons, but just show up when it's busy with your "pearl" boxes and tell them "the shelf SAID 2/$9" and you will get your way.

GYMS...just breeze past the front desk and wave and say "I'm an instructor" and you will have a great free workout.

YOGA CLASSES...1st class at most studios is free, so just go to every studio once

WHOLE FOODS/COSTCO...weekend sample sample sample

CANDY/GUM/MINTS...Rite Aid often has 4/$1 on all regular hershey/reeses/nestle candy bars...AND 2/$1 on gum and otherwise expensive mints...this is cheaper than Costco AND much more room for CHOICE.

Thanks for reading Kiki's Krazy guide to Tinseltown...toon in next week for discount designer socks and how to work the Nordstrom return policy.







,

"health food"

I split my back molar last night IN HALF from eating an organic healthy cookie from WHOLE FOODS. It was SO whole that it was hard as a rock.

The irony is not lost one me. I didn't NEED a reason to go back to innocent, soft, hydrogenated, hostess products.

i-bitch

I went to the Apple store today after months and months of saving every last dollar to buy a new laptop (sorry people I owe money to...you're next I swear!)(unless my cell dies)(THIS was a pure life necessity)(I didn't even GO to the Nordy Anniversary sale!)

Well, I had saved all my cash income to buy this computer, which cost about the same as it would to adopt a baby girl from china, which incidentally is how I feel about the new "addition" to my family.(pics and announcements of the new bundle of joy will be sent soon) I had it all in cash, which I know in this new age of credit consumerism is a bit old fashioned, but money is money I say. And I wasn't about to go into debt when I already owe my generous GENEROUS friends who have been there in my hour(s) of need!

So I would say $600 of it was in $5 bills, but they were all sorted and facing right (didn't learn much in college, but THE GAP certainly provided me with some great money and laundry folding skills) and the girl helping me gave me attitude! IAnd I was being SO NICE. (really) Yah, I felt lame too, like I was counting out my babysitting money...so I said "I know, it's a lot of 5's, but you shoulda seen what I had to DO to earn all this cash..."haha"..."heehee"..."wink wink."

(crickets chirping)

(silence)

Me again, chuckling,nervous "yah, I mean, I faced them all and bundled them in hundreds so it would at least be less obnoxious! I learned that from my days at THE GAP! Hey! At least working here you don't have to fold stuff, huh!"

(silence)

Me again, playin' it cool, "yah, bet nobody ever pays cash here, huh! Well, at least you'll have change!!"

My friend who came with me sidles up to the register, seeing me sinking fast..."hey! that's a lot of 5's! well at least you'll have some change, huh! Won't need to go begging the Banana Republic people for change anymore! HAA!....heee..."

Me..."wellllll, sorry, I know, I mean, well I had to pay for this computer SOMEhow!"

Finally she looks up after cramming all 5's into register, and says really snotty, "Yah well, you COULD HAVE gone to the bank and changed these in. My boss will kill me for having to count all this cash tonight, but Oh well! I ahd to do it, so he'll just have to deal!"

Okay, what has happenned to our shopping society? I was SPENDING $1,800 dollars in this store! AND I was being apologetic and nice to a salesgirl for paying her MY hard earned cash?! And she was being snotty to me? This isn't FRANCE. I am the customer. And therefore my ass should be kissed! PLUS I also just saved them the percentage they woulda paid in credit card fees! What is wrong with America?

But she knew. oh did she know. This was the Apple store. she had something I desperately wanted. And she KNEW I would put up with anything to get it. Like when your crack dealer makes you strip or give him a BJ for the stash (I just see this on TV, I don't really KNOW) This girl knew she had me at ibook. And you know what's sad? I was relieved when the transaction was finished and she let me have my goods. I was still kissing HER ass on the way out. "bye! thanks! sorrrryyy for all the crazy cash! I'll pay credit next time! haa haa! hee!" Just in case I needed to come back for a carrying case or an ethernet. And FYI...I will be paying in $1 bills next time (AFTER I pay back my good generous friends...)

mamma ain;t happy ain't nobody happy...

I have to find a new apt on the west side.

My friend called me and found a "great apt. share" in West Hollywood...I just have to "approve of gay marriages" and "like kittens"

I am addicted to mochas.

I have a headache from hell that even a double dose of amphetamines won't touch.

I just ran into starbux to medicate myself and ran into my "step" father, who wanted to 'talk' and trapped me in a corner while telling me that my mom is never "irrational!"

HELP!!!!

And take THAT! and THAT! and then THAT!

I found a BLACK WIDOW spider in a big ass web under my patio table. (for real. the red hourglass was gleaming and everything) I freaked. I panicked. I knew they were deadly so I had to DO something otherwise it might kill the dogs, or worse even...ME! So I did the ONLY thing I could do. I ran into the kitchen, threw open the cupboard under the sink and grabbed the roach killer. Well, I mean, surely if it killed roaches it would do fine for spiders? yes? SO I proceeded to spray RAID all under my patio table and all around my patio and around all the potted lemon trees too. I didn't want any stray Widow cousins comin' round either.

The black widow yawned, and, clearly annoyed, crawled deeper under the table. I freaked again cuz I didn't want her to get away ALIVE!! What if she was pregnant??? SO I ran back in the house and i just stood in the middle of the kitchen. "THINK PEEWEE! THINK!" I opened every cupboard, oxyclean? goo gone? pledge? what would kill that damn thing? AHA! The broom. so I went out with my deadly weapon. The broom still had the plastic bed bath and beyond cover on it.(I don't clean so much)(and when I do I feel that the vacuum, while already out, does a perfectly good job on the hardwood as it does the rugs!) I poked the broom all around, and finally I saw a black/red thing flutter to the ground...I looked. she was down, but alive. I stepped on her to make it final. then I got scared cuz I killed something so evil so I ran back in the house, heart beating fast, slamming the door behind me in case she rose up to take her last and final revenge on me.

I wouldn't go outside again. I left the carcass and the broom and the raid smelling patio for the gardeners to deal with, after all, they get paid for this kinda thing, they must see things like this everyday. GOD I hope there are no relatives. I hope black widows aren't like roaches where for every ONE you see that means there are 100. And well, anyway, at least I won't be getting any patio roaches anytime soon.

Don't be fooled by the socks that I got, I'm still kiki from the block...

It's official. I have become the white trash neighbor who moves into a pretty house and then slowly, oh so slowly, brings the entire neighborhood down a notch...or ten. In my defense I can't actually afford this part of town, so we were always on borrowed time. I'm a street rat at heart, and you know you were all waiting for this to happen soon. Mine was always a question of when not if.

The worst part is it happened so slowly I didn't even notice until my friend came to visit me today and pointed it out. I slowly saw things from her eyes. Well, I HAD to because she was laughing at me pointing out the decay. First she walked in and said "your house looks (pause)(more pausing)(she's searching for the words)different." "did you have all that(pause)stuff on your dining room table last time I was here?"

and then later..."I have the WORST headache and I NEVER get headaches. I think it's from ALL the dog fur. No offense or anything, I know it MUST be hard with TWO dogs and all(in fake compassionate voice), but maybe just vacuum once in a while?"

and then on our way out shopping, in the driveway..."Hey! why are there dirty socks and bones all over your sidewalk and front yard...and driveway...and walkway? Did someone spill their trash all over your area?" I looked up and looked around. sure enough in a distinct area surrounding my house were in fact all of the bones and dirty socks that my dogs always run outside with, then drop on the ground to go pee, then forget to pick back up. It was like an easter egg hunt gone wrong. I laughed and said my dogs were trash. I mean Beck, after all IS a pound Mutt, and Maggie IS from a puppy Mill in Missouri.

and then IN the car..."OH MY GOD! I HAVE NEVER SEEN YOUR CAR THIS DIRTY EVER! WHAT HAPPENED?" (now there's actual concern in her voice, mixed with a dash of horror and a teaspoon of upper class confusion) "IN FACT! I have never seen a car so dirty!" Then she looks in the back seat, taking it all in with fascination as one does in a bloody crime scene. "AH!!! OH. MY. GOD. your backseat..." Here's where I intervene on my behalf..."wullll....I mean...this car is a HOOPTI. It needs like new brakes and stuff, and you know I HAVE TWO DOGS! and they ruin EVERYTHING! They're trash dogs! they have NO understaning of leather interior! And all those coffee stains? well the LA commute sucks! and you know, people like LIVE in their cars, so this is just the way IT IS here. And also the dogs roll in mud and stuff..." (when being attacked always, ALWAYS blame the dog) Before I can finish she interrupts and says "WE ARE GOING STRAIGHT TO THE CAR WASH BEFORE WE GO SHOPPING! NOW! I'LL PAY....(pause) HALF!"

and then coming home..."Hey...nice christmas garland on your fence. REAL nice!"

Busy Friday...

Well, this was a BUSY friday.

There's plenty on the docket for today,(that's Judge Judy court talk, not some old memories from my stints in the pokey)(ahhh, youth. good times. good times.)(to be 30 again!)

I reconnected with an old Utah friend today during my commute and it was SO fun. He didn't know I blog so I directed him to my website...he was excited cuz he was thinking I had some super racy fun exciting LA type things to write about...so when he read my blog title from yesterday he thought it said "PANTS. why? what for?"(see blog below for the steamy details)and then he saw I was just writing about boring old pLants. See. I told you plants basically suck...

Which is the PERFECT segue(is that how you spell segway?)to my new best friend who just moved here. I don't actually know her very well, we have been in like 3 yoga teacher trainings together(yah I am actually trained. go figure!)and that's like going through re-hab together...we bond. We are so alike in the weirdest ways, but we're on warp speed trying to get to know each other so we can be best friends (more MY agenda I'm sure) And we can already laugh about our complete polar opposite differences...which include her asking me questions like "hey, where can you buy essential oils around here?" and the even funnier "hey, you should come with me to the blahblahbaghadvita chant circle!" to the ever funnier "come with me to the hippie tree bookstore because I have to buy some crystals." And the reason why I KNOW we're destined for BFF-hood is that I just laughed instead of sneaking out the backdoor, ne'er to return or be heard from again. But to top off the get-to-know-you lunch, as we were walking to our cars she was trying to justify this crystal purchase and she said "Well, I just like the crystals, not to put everywhere, they are just great to put in my plants...you know?!"
Oh I KNOW. I SO KNOW!

Today I spent SEVENTY DOLLARS in gas. that's $70. DOLLARS. in GAS. Gas for the CAR, not like Laughing Gas for my root canal. I literally almost cried. not so much for the entirety of the $70, but for THIS reason....

ONE GALLON GAS... $3.45
ONE STARBUX GRANDE MOCHA... $3.45
GALLONS IN GAS TANK... 17
MONEY IT WILL COST IN THERAPY TO GET THROUGH THE LOSS OF 17 MOCHAS?....(I just passed out)

Plants. why? what for?

My friend went away for 10 days and asked me to "just pop over and water his plants" every 3 days. He even worded it just like this..."hey. I'm going away for 10 days and if you want you can totally stay at my place...And you can bring the dogs and hang out by the pool...I mean, it's a little dusty from the construction workers, but I mean, if you want you could stay there. I'll make a set of keys for you and everything. THAT way you don't have to commute and stuff...oh yah and maybe while you're there you could just water the plants..."

Now, I have had issue with these plants before. They had a brief stint at my house for a few weeks while he stayed with me when he moved here. And he worded it just like this "hey. can't WAIT to see you. I barely have any stuff, just my suitcase, and a few plants." They had exploded all over my house AND the patio. When I had first walked in and made a face, approaching the "plants" as I would A muddy nasty child, he said "oh, I just put the plants all over the house because they just add such a great energy. I put all the cactus ones on the patio and they GO really well out there. they match. sooo, if you want to keep any, you know, just pick out a couple and I can leave them for you."

uh huh.

Well, one could SAY I knew what I was getting into. But I had actually forgotten how many damn plants he had, and since I actually made him put them all BACK in his room while he was here, I didn't REALLY know the full scope of it.

SO I went over there even though I am NOT staying there, as it is completely uninhabitable. And if you're thinking I'm a diva? no furniture (just an airbed), no AC (it's 105 degrees everyday) and there's thick dust covering EVERYTHING because there's also construction on ALL the bathrooms and the kitchen (no appliances whatsoever in the kitchen.)oh yah, and NO running water...just the showerhead.

But I digress...I make myself go over there b/c I now have inadvertently committed myself to watering these things. They are all on his porch so I think "hey. I'll be in 'n out, 2 mins flat." Basically I would have rather babysat my friend's FOUR kids for a month. His "plants" had procreated. there were seriously like 50 of them. AT LEAST. allll sizes and whatever. AND it's not like there's a hose. So I have to keep trekking all the way to the back bathroom, turn on the SPRAY showerhead to fill up the goddamn waterbucket and then carry it allll the way back to water these millions of plants. I was sweating!

And worst of all I have to do this again tomorrow! And I have been dreading it alll day today. Technically I shoulda done it 2 days ago, but whatever. I don't even care if those fuckers die. I'll just lie about it and be all "what? I fully went over there like every TWO days! weird! Musta been this crazy LA heat!"

I just don't understand the plant thing. just get a cat! a dog! a pet rock even. why would you EVER want something that requires such tempermental high maintenance that you have to TRICK people into caring for them. WHY? I understand gardeneing. I mean I don't DO gardening, but I get it. But plants? they just SIT THERE. they don't bloom. you can't EAT them. You have to care for them like you would a small child and they do NOTHING.(except shed their stupid leaves all over)(which is why my 3 plants that were 'given' to me suddenly and mysteriously got put out back behind the garage where nature intended) I mean, get a new couch if you need ambiance. If you want to feel close to nature, that's what FAKE plants are for.

We need to create a movement called "go back to the yard" to free all imprisoned plants and bring them back to nature, where God intended them to live, where they could be watered by rain or sprinkler systems. It's just plain unnatural. IT'S WRONG.

SO really this blog is like a public service announcement. It may sound innocent enough to just "water a few plants" but be VERY aware what it could mean. there are NEVER just a few plants.

Summer luvin' had me a bla-ast...

Summers used to be so carefree.

Me. A couch. And a Mr. Microphone. And the 'new' GREASE record.

I would stand on the couch (the very top back part)(the stage) day after day, belting out Olivia Newton John's AND John Travolta's parts. It was my goal to memorize all the words, and all the scenes and then "perfom" the entire movie for my family, who would be SO amazingly impressed at my undiscovered talent that my mom would call my dad and DEMAND I be sent to the "FAME" highschool.

Now I just get depressed because all my fav show are gone and there's not even anything new for Dr. Phil...all re-runs. And the new network stuff? Windfall? yawnnn. (I watch it though)(luke perry!) America's got talent? snore. (if even I can't force myself to watch a show it HAS to be bad) The soccer series game thingy that EVERYONE is obsessed about? (don't even know what it is)(but every single person has asked ME about it. even some random stranger at the coffee place asked me if I knew the score? what? DO i LOOK like I watch soccer when I'm holding an IN TOUCH weekly in my hands??)(wake UP DUDE!)


BUT THEN...I discovered THE HILLS. Anyone watch that? yah, uh, me neither. And no, i am NOT just biding my time until it starts in 29 minutes.

BUT THEN...I discovered MY FAIR BRADY. I almost can't even breath when that show is on. Brady bunch intimacy meets Next Top Model...Who has died and gone to heaven? ME!!!!!!!

AND THEN...there's ENTOURAGE...a no brainer. So good it's painful when it ends.

BUT THE REAL gem....MY SUPER SWEET SIXTEEN. Watch it now. set your TiVo. A-MAZING.

So this summer has promise after all! what? outdoors you say? travel? play tennis? hike the hollywood hills?

HA! I scoff at all that wasted energy!

THE HILLS is on. G2G.

He ALWAYS hogs the sheets. ALWAYS.

opposites attract...

It's funny. I have a friend (Starr)(of the Brentwood Starr) who hates animals AND children and all of the above flock to her endlessly. My other friend has 4 kids and when they met Starr for about 2 minutes they became obsessed. They even asked for her autograph and would NOT stop staring at her. To this day when I see them they say "Hi kiki...where's Starr???" "Is starr coming too? etc." When she would visit me in NY she would be sitting on the couch and BOTH my roomate's pugs would just hop on her lap and make themselves comfortable, while my yellow lab would incessantly try to lick her and get her attention. She would even yell " YOU ARE NOT CUTE! I don't even like you dog! You think you're cute but you're NOT!" and they would clamor around her even MORE.

It just goes to show the sad state of my love life. I don't even trust if I am attracted to a guy cuz he's usually A/gay B/hairy or C/neurotic and poor. And these are the guys that are ALWAYS attracted to me. They say like attracts like. BULLSHIT. I am neither gay, hairy nor...I am NOT GAY or HAIRY!

I had a point but it got lost because now I am just plain depressed. Maybe I'm just an apathetic spoiled brat, who simply wants a straight cute guy in a good tax bracket to date. But since I GET the exact opposite of that I am doomed. I will always be like my maggie, trying to get the affections of Starr...it'll never happen.

Looks like we've made it!

When I was a kid, my brother and I got "capri sun" drinks in our easter baskets, granola bars in our stockings and when my mom had a particularly lucrative month we got HALF of a fruit roll in our lunch (once she was tired and forgot to cut it in half and I paraded the whole roll all around the playground. I wouldn't even eat it I was so proud to have the whole thing.)(which is also why I stole other kids' snacks)(but that's a whole other blog) My brother and I would hoard the drinks, hide them in our sock drawers, save them for SPECIAL occassions. The days I could take a frozen capri sun to school I felt like a pop star. If a box of cereal came with a granola bar in it, it was the crafty calculating one who got to it first, dumped out the cereal and grabbed the loot who was the victor! I got many a punch in the stomach if I got to it first, held down until I spilled the hiding place.

So today when I went to Target to get yet MORE stuff for my friends and their kids who arrive today, I was so excited to fill my basket with WHOLE boxes of Capri Sun, boxes of fruit rolls, junk cereals, pop-tarts, etc...I felt like I was Donald trump, just buying whatever the hell I wanted, no matter the price! (well, I DID scan a few items first)(I'm not THIS successful for nuthin!) I couldn't believe how cheap it all seemed, so I just kept throwing things in. And I thought to myself, so so satisfied "I HAVE MADE IT! I can buy capri suns!!! I don't have to wait for easter!!!!"

fry-day

I have friends coming into town tomorrow. So I just spent the entire evening cleaning/preparing/baking/making party favors...I get so excited when people come to visit me that I feel I MUST reward them. And reward them well so they'll come back a lot. And these guys are coming from UTAH. That's far. I'm putting out my best french milled guest soaps and the bumble and bumble shampoo for them! My friend Starr, who lives ALLLLLL THE WAYYYYY in Brentwood (25 miles) only comes to visit me when she has the entire 3-day-weekend free and she makes a big production of packing up and "leaving town" to come over, like she's going camping. So now I have a complex and I just made enough goodies to host my own bake-sale, made 2 different fruit salads, fresh guacamole, gift bags for when they leave, and cut fresh flowers from my garden (i am not sure if they were supposed to be cut, so I will be GONE when the gardeners arrive tomorrow!)

Hey...I think the triple choc. cookies are burning.

The tragedy of the empty wallet...

I was rooting around in my wallet today to pay for Parking and I realized I had only a 5 dollar bill. That's it. And not like, uh oh, I only have $5 in my wallet and I need to go to the ATM. More like, "How much change do I have in my bag so I can at least buy coffee tomorrow?" (fri. is payday)(phew!)

This hasn't happenned to me since I was like 20 and in junior college when I bought top ramen 10 for $1 (okay okay, I was 30. 30,20,tomato,to-mah-to) And I was a little ashamed. And then I was even more ashamed because last weekend my friend was here with her little girl and her kid had a pringles container with like, ALL her money in it, in nickel and penny currrency, and she put it in my bag and it spilled all over and she cried and cried and I was like "it's okay kid, I'll get it all and give it back later" and I was thinking "that's so cute that she's all worked up over some silly change." WELL. Today, I SPENT HER MONEY.
I.HAD.TO.
I.SPENT.THE.WORLD.SAVINGS.OF.A.7YR.OLD.
IN.NICKELS.AND.PENNIES.

all for a coffee fix.
all time low. all time low.

welllll, a girl's gotta eat after all.

And then I was all "how did it come to this?" and then I was all "it is totally my parent's fault' and here's why....

I go to a shrink once a week who costs $200 dollars AN HOUR! . And had my parents sat me down in high school, and shook me hard and said "YOU WILL go to college and YOU WILL major in psychiatry" then I would be WAY better off. NOT ONLY would I be earning $200 an hour in a cushy high rise office with a secretary to fetch my snacks, but also I would have unlimited access to psychtropic drugs. Also I am sure shrinks have shrink friends so I would be able to get some free counseling over brunch and friday nite tapas. And my days would be filled going "uh huh. I see. mmmm. let me write you a prescription for that. our time is up! Off you go!" And also I could go home every night being all "at least I'm not one of THOSE sad suckers.

SO see, maybe if they had done their job early on, informed me really of life's possibilities, I would not be planning on what I need to return at Nordstrom's tomorrow just to pay my Starbucks dealer.

I'm just saying...

Let's just SAY I was flipping channels on Friday Night and happenned to see there was a "Three's Company" marathon (if you're under the age of 30 or over 50, you just don't GET this, so don't even try)and let's just SAY I put it on in total delight for background purposes ONLY and then come to find out it was an ENTIRE weekend marathon, and let's just SAY I stayed up 'til the wee hours of the morning every single night watching, for background, you know...while I did, my taxes, say. And I for sure did NOT decline dinner with friends sat nite to stay home and watch Ralph Ferley and Jack Tripper and all my FAVORITE TV characters EVER.

But nevertheless, I must say that this is the greatest sitcom EVER put on TV. EVER. I was still laughing/crying out loud when Larry Dallas tried to hit on an old grandma and when Janet and Chrissy were at the Regal Beagle with the Ropers. No one could pull off a show like that now. NO ONE. So I just had to pay homage to best show ever written and don't even try sending comments about seinfeld and taxi and cheers...blah blah blah. When Ralph Ferley merely WALKS into the room I am already squirming in my pants. I still go for guys that look like Jack.

And don't think for one second that I actually WATCHED every episode that weekend. cuz. that. would. be. Crazzzzzzyyyyyy. Not to mention I am v.v. busy LA yoga teacher.
v.v. busy.

Attack dogs...

HEY! Don't mess with us! We're totally gonna, umm, kick your...did you say 'treats'?"

why no one will get a Christmas present from me this year....

Okay, aside from CRAZY gas prices and my 2 hour traffic commutes, AND my coffee habit (coffee! who are we kidding here, if ONLY it were just coffee...)let me rephrase, my triple-skim-mocha-with-whip habit (over ice please)(and make it snappy!)ASIDE from all that, today, in LA, not breezy-by-the-beach LA, but hot pasadena, where it was 105 dees-grees...I left all my doors open in the back (that's THREE french doors. OPEN) so the dogs could roll around outside while I worked, and ALSO I left the Air Conditioning on...ALL...DAY. I just walked into a perfectly cool house, and I thought "ahhhh, the house stayed SO cool how weird cuz it's normally so hot and there's even a nice breeze coming from........NOOOOOO!"
So there. you will all get postcards, HAND delivered, and if you live far away, I will call you on the weekend and after 8PM...MY time...when it's free minutes. sorry east coasters! Love ya!

ps. no need to write a comment about how you didn't even get a Christmas present from me LAST year either. I was broke, living in LA. Save the heckles and sarcasm for your local senator.

pps. also no need to comment about how you have not seen a present from me since the 80's either. I mean well.

Trader Joe's Reality Show

SCENE ONE: INT. Trader Joe's Market. Noonish.

Two registers open. One Line has 3 ladies. Other has 1 bleached blonde bad perm lady with few items. Unsuspecting yoga girl gets behind the 1 lady, even though yoga training intuition says to her "NO! Go to other line!"


BAD PERM LADY:(with pious smile) I need some of these rung up separately.

CHECKOUT GIRL: um, sure.

BPL: let's start with this salad and the two bags of organic nuts.

(checkout girl rings up said items.)

BPL: No wait! I said ONE bag of nuts plus the one salad, and I need to charge that one on my visa.

CG: (into microphone) I NEED A VOID ON REGISTER 2.

(long wait ensues. Re-rings FIRST purchase.)

BPL: umm, what was that pin # for that card? I think... NO..oh yah. (enters wrong pin) Oh wait! that's the wrong card. Here try THIS one.

(FIRST sale finally goes through. Yoga girl tapping foot worrying that lemon sorbet will fucking melt.)

BPL: Okay, and then those Two salads together, and that will be cash. Wait no. ring those individually and I'll still pay cash.

(BPL counts ones for each salad and then puts change and receipts, meticulously folded into origami fashion as to not lose .11 cents for each order.)

BPL: and thennnnnn, the one other salad with the bag of nuts plus the mango slices on one receipt please, and that will be this mastercard.

BPL: and then the last salad plus the banana, I will use the rest of this cash plus the remainder on this other ATM card. Oh and I need separate bags too, if that's okay. But just the one salad per bag except we'll put the fruit separately. And I'll do the nuts, you don't have to bother with that!

meanwhile, back in the other line...12 people have now gone through, eaten their lunches and are now on their way to starbucks downstairs...

SCENE TWO: ext. Parking lot...

Yoga girl and melted lemon sorbet are slowly pulling out of space when black BMW races around corner and cuts her off...Yoga girl goes to glare at rude BMW and sees familiar yellow and black frizzy curls...and GRACIOUSLY lets BMW go first.

BMW peels off with 5 individually wrapped and packed salads and license plate cover says "GOT JESUS?"

Onward Christian Yogis...Marching off to...Meditate??

K...I was just emailed this today and I am enraged.Yahwehyoga is a new "Christ" centered yoga. WHAT?!? I know. I know. I am as appalled and flabbergasted as you. That's seriously like having a MEAT centered Vegan dinner. Or a "bush" centered Gay Pride. Or a Mohammed centered bible study! I am PISSED! Why do the f'ing christians have to bastardize and CLAIM everything?!?! Like Jews for Jesus...what the hell? that's called a CHRISTIAN! Yoga, by definition means Yoke or Union...a union of ALL beliefs and religions. It is it's OWN faith. there need not be any Jesus attached. and this part really got me going...

...We all have to regularly exercise and de-stress in order to experience health and wellness. Yoga is a system of health and wellness...

Yoga is not JUST a system of health and wellness...it is a SPIRITUAL PRACTICE with NO LEADER! There is a WHOLE system of beliefs attached that includes the basic teachings of jesus, among a general understanding that ALL COMES TOGETHER. NO other religious group has tried to claim yoga. There is no Jew yoga, Mormon yoga (www.hevnlylardyoga.com) or even hindu yoga...it all ONE! oh, AND here's the description of the class...

Yahweh Yoga emphasizes Christ and His strength, power and grace in us through movement. The Bible tells us repeatedly that our Heavenly Father wants us to be healthy and take care of our bodies, minds and souls as they are the temples for the Holy Spirit who dwells within us. Yahweh Yoga helps us do this in a way that is most enjoyable and effective. Classes are taught while listening to encouraging contemporary Christ-centered music, in a peaceful setting.


K, let's just begin with "contemporary christ centered music"...YUCK! SO the "christians" have taken the bare bones of yoga, robbed it of any essence, and filled it up with their own version and added some crap music to go along. I totally don't recall ANY bible passages where they did yoga. LOVE, once again, how they pick and choose and steal, and then slap on a cross and make it their own! NO! Can u imagine the backlash if I started a Howard stern "centered" convent, where we listened to contemporary acid rock in a peaceful setting?

I know that this isn't ALL christians, I have nothing against christians who mind their OWN business and don't shove it in my face in the name "of the heavenly father, amen!" But you just can't take ANOTHER spiritual practice all it's own and INSERT LEADER HERE.

I'm so mad right now I don't even know what to do with myself and I fear I am not making sense anymore. Help me baby Jesus...save me from your followers!

Gay Pride

Last night I dressed up cute, to go to dinner with some gay friends in West Hollywood. None of us knew it was gay pride weekend. Weird. there was a time when I planned my whole week around gay pride. And I'm not even gay. They were shocked too. And they ARE gay.

Instead we grumbled at the fact that we had to pay 20 bucks for parking because it was "fucking gay pride," and my gay friend was pissed because all the wait staff was straight cuz the real gay waiters were off for the night, and therefore service was dumb and slow and my friend's chiseled good looks and charm were getting him nowhere. So we laughed at all the young gays over sushi, made fun of the lesbians in their man jeans and birkenstocks (not just a stereotype)and the visiting gay tourists from Iowa etc...

Then just see if we still had any youth left in us we went into the PACKED gay club next door. It was insanity. I used to LIKE this? All I could think was that if one of these drunk fags spilled their Martinis on my $400 dollar shoes...SOMEONE was gonna get hurt! We stayed for ONE madonna song and then shoved our way outta there.

So it's sealed. No youth left. May as well sign up with the republicans and kiss youthful idealism goodbye!

That's okay. I like my shoes better than my youth.

Sat Morning entertainment...

SO, back at the Pasadena Dog Park...where no one really understands a dog park...

This Morning JUST as I was about to leave the dogpark, I saw a car pull up, and I saw two coffee cups emerge, with hands attached...and I KNEW that something good was about to happen, because you basically need to be a trained professional to manage ONE DOG + ONE COFFEE in a dog run...and here the was an entire couple BOTH with coffee cups, and being Pasadena, I knew disaster would follow. But I had NO IDEA how good it would be until the couple emerged, with a backpack, a toddler (whining already) and TWO! hyper skinny looking dogs, and for the piece de resistance...a BAG of breakfast food!!!! HA! we were staying for this!

So I watched it all unfold...in a matter of predictable seconds. As they entered, their hyper dogs ran in, and the dad had the food AND coffee. The mom had the backpack, the brat, coffee and poopbags. Immediately the mom put the kid down and it wobbled in and all the dogs, mine included (no, I didn't call her back) ran over to see the new dumb people. Obviously the kid was knocked over before I could even start laughing. then the dad ran over and placed the coffee and food down on the bench (this is when I started laughing) to get the screaming child, and obviously some other dog went over for the coffee and knocked them both over on the bench and then all the dogs started running for the free java, and then all the OTHER people started running for the dogs because caffeine can be lethal for some dogs. so the dad hands the screaming thing to the mom to go "wipe up" the coffee. Everyone now hates these people, except for me who is standing there laughing and marvelling at my luck, and of course, the bag of food is now soaked with coffee but the dad tries to save the food and is simultaneously being yelled at by one dog owner for the coffee spill while another park purveyor is informing the mom with the screaming kid that BOTH her dogs have pooped and she better clean it up!!!

I left then SO fulfilled. I am SURE that in some psychiatric medical journal I am listed under the symptom of "...Patient gets unusual pleasure watching people self destruct and does nothing to prevent it" which is probably Manic Bi-Polar pshycopathic borderline something or other disorder...but who cares!! That shit was FUNNY!

another stabucks asshole moment of the week (er, day)

My friend wrote a funny post about some girl in starbucks who was being a complete 'asshole' (and if I knew how to link posts I would do that here, but I pretty much haven't figured that out yet.) because she made everyone wait while she made them fix her drink.

SO I was in Starbucks the other day(this morning)(and afternoon)and this girl ordered an iced coffee with caramel sauce ON TOP and when she got it she said there wasn't enough ice and it was too watery, so they made her a new one and it was still too watery because they were using FRESH coffee (duh! NO!) and so she sent it back and they offered her ANY drink so OF COURSE instead, she got a grande iced caramel machiatto, even though actually she wanted an iced coffee, and was shaking her head mildly like "man, I don't wanna get mad at these stupid employees, but why oh why would you make ICED coffee with fresh brew? why?" Meanwhile the line was LOOOOONNGGGG and the place was packed, and when she FINALLY got her Iced Caramel Macchiatto she almost cried because they had put in too much milk and barely any ice so it was "WARM" and "MILKY" she said. She was nice though, so they gave her her money back.
JESUS! What an asshole!

wait...oh yah...that was ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SUCKERS! HA! YOU WILL ALL WAIT IN LINE CUZ YOU CAN'T DRINK ICED COFFEE WARM!.(OR WATERY!) (OR MILKY!)

Excuse me, are those earth vegan shoes you're wearing? Why YES! They are!

SOrry,. I can't help it. I am basically responding to my own post! (see below)I can't help it. I have thought of nothing but the stupid fucking earth vegan shoes ALL day! Maybe it's because, to a woman, shoes are so sacred. Or maybe it's just cuz I HATE HIPPIE BULLSHIT! I am sorry, but most hippies are poor. And please, "vegan" shoes have been around AT LEAST since Payless...only then it was called "fake leather" and they are $9.99, because THEY ARE FAKE LEATHER. SO dressing up a fake shoe, and making it UGLIER and slapping on a $100 price tag for an ugly ass clomper and calling it "animal friendly" is why I hate Whole Food shopping hippies in the first place!

hey ladies...don't foget your good ole sturdy shoe...for the workplace. Goes PERFECTLY with armani casual separates.


these Mandals are H.O.T. they are taking OVER the Castro District. No one's gonna call YOU a Nellie!


awww. they're so sweet. and pink. and shiny. That just SCREAMS feminine. Move over prissy Blahniks...there ain't enough room in this closet for both us girlz!


I just think vegans deserve better. I really do. It's no wonder they get rolled eyes and waiters secretly putting chicken broth in their Raw Veggie soup. Is this company trying to tell us that all vegans are ugly losers with NO taste or shopping skills whatsoever? I am insulted for them! If I were a vegan (and THANK GOD I'm not) I would be PISSED!

No one comes between me and my...Vegans

K, so I was in Whole foods today, but just to buy organic hormone free beef bones for my dogs that cost a million dollars a pound (I, myself get reduced price dented ding- dongs from the back shelves @ Target) And as I was walking out I stopped dead in my tracks because there was a whole display of VEGAN shoes. And, I think this goes without saying, they were the ugliest nastiest dumpy looking shoes I HAVE EVER SEEN. And many of these were for women. I don't even think the crunchiest lesbian I know would wear these. AND they were expensive! Like at least $100 per pair. And just so they don't get "stolen" whole foods informed us that there was only one of each pair out. ummmm, what would a vegan shoe stealing person look like, exactly?
And I promise, anyone ugly enough to want these "earth friendly, animal friendly fashionable(???)" shoes would NOT be a shoplifter. She would maybe at best, be a VERY sad, single, librarian, who grew up in Berkely with NO TV and NO magazines.
I was so mesmerized by this display I couldn't leave. It was like watching a live tradgedy unfold, you just CAN'T walk away. And I kept reading all the advertising lines and I thought who designed these and who, WHO said "YES! Those are GREAT! It's a GO!!"

can't WAIT to see Paris Hilton in these babies!


for a cute whimsical summer day outfit, try these flirty numbers!


and for the daytripper, try these snazzy veggie trekkers. Goes GREAT with cut-offs!

Sat afternoon...

can't write today. Must prepare for big Yoga workshop tomorrow that I'm teaching. I have to make a cheat sheet of torture for students. so you get gratuitous pics of my only LA friends.

OMMMMMMMM. shanti. shanti. shanti.

Ryan Seacrest and Terri hatcher reincarnated

The three amigos

identity crisis

K, so over the weekend someone wiped out my checking acct by withdrawing all my money from an ATM in Staten Island. This left me potentially stranded in Las Vegas except I was with my rich friends (phew!)(though, while I was screaming at the guy on the phone I TOLD him I was stranded)(i mean what if it WAS true?)

side note: was totally RELIEVED when I found out that I actually had been ROBBED! cuz normally when my card gets declined, I call the fraud hotline HOPING it's fraud but it usually ends up being a forgotten rent check or many many impulse buys that seemed like lots of little 50's here and there that added up unbeknownst to me.

K, so I had to call a citibank taht day to figure out what the hell was going on. Here is the transcript of many tranfers and "supervisors"

PLAYER 1: "supervisor" lady from citibank who I THINK was in her early hundreds. I was transferred to her after I screamed at the first guy in India to get me someone who spoke english.

LADY: K, mam, so let's go through these purchases in the last few days so I can make sure we mark the ones that aren't yours.

ME: Well, I was told that someone withdrew $1,000 from my checking acct. this morning. HOW? WHEN? WHY? WHERE? HOW CAN CITIBANK LET THIS HAPPEN? I AM STUCK IN VEGAS! I HAVE .47 cents!!!! HOW WILL I GET HOME? (at this point I was still suspicious that maybe this was still my fault somehow)

LADY: well, let's seeeeeeeee (minutes click by) I am scrolling and I think....ummmm...let's see here...let me just grab my glasses and YES! Someone withdrew $1,000, looooooooooks like, this morning! Now, do you have that $1,000?

ME: NO!!!!! That wasn't me! I. DID. NOT. WITHDRAW. $1000. THAT"s why I am calling YOU. ( i'm still not 100 percent sure that it wasn't me, but am getting that warm feeling like it definitely maybe wasn't me) WHERE did this withdraw occur? online? WHERE?

LADY: let's.....seeeeeeeee....(minutes later) let me scroll down....and looks ....like...STATEN ISLAND? New York? Do you live in Staten Island?

ME: GOD NO! NO! I don't live in Staten Island! I've never even been there! not staten Island! UGH! I AM in LAS VEGAS! For the MADONNA concert!

LADY: Oh! Well, do you know anyone in Staten Island? Maybe a friend who maybe has your card and needed to borrow money? (I am not making this up here)

ME: NO! I would never be friends with someone in Staten Island!

LADY: Oh, well are you SURE you didn't take any money out in Staten Island?

ME: JUST. TELL. ME. HOW. TO. GET. THIS. SOLVED.

LADY: well, let's just make sure none of these other charges are yours...lets go back a week and I'll just read you the charge and you tell me which is yours?

ME: (seething, unable to speak)

LADY: okaaayyyyy....let's seeeeeee....St-ar----bu-cks? Starbucks! Now, do you go to starbucks? that's the coffee place right? the amount isssssss.....let's seee here, all righty, the amount is four dollars, and um, thirty. no that's, four dollars and sixty! yes sixty three cents! at star-bucks. now is that one yours? from star-bucks? the coffee place? and OH MY! it looks like there is a LOT of activity from there, from star-bucks. now let's just go through and MAKE SURE each one is yours. Because SOME may not be!


PLAYER 2: Guy somewhere in India

GUY: Okay. miss. yes. hello. How can I help you today madam?

ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY ACCOUNT NUMBER AND I HAVE NO MONEY AND I NEED TO KNOW WHAT TO DO NEXT.

GUY: okay. yes. madam. I weel help you madam. just one second while I look up your account...
...
...
ooooohhhhhh, I see here, madam, that you cannot get any money because your account balance is .47 cents. did you want to make a deposit?

ME: NO! I AM TELLING YOU THAT MY MONEY WAS TAKEN OUT THIS MORNING AND I AM STUCK IN VEGAS AND I NEED TO FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO NEXT. TO GET My MONEY BACK!

GUY: Oh, I am sorry madam. you. cannot. get. any money in Lasvegas because your balance is only .47 cents. Do you have another account?? in LAsvegas?

ME: NO NO NO NO! I AM SAYING THAT I KNOW I HAVE NO MONEY BECAUSE IT WAS STOLEN!!! STOLEN! (I take a breath) Listen. to . me. Someone withdrew $1000 out of my account, and I need to know how to get it put back in. I need to file a claim or something. That's why I am calling YOU.

GUY: okay. okay. miss. you want to withdraw $1000? or you want to deposit $1000?

ME: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! IT WAS ALREADY TAKEN. WHAT DO I DO NEXT IN ORDER TO FILE A CLAIM? CAN YOU HELP ME?

GUY: ummm. miss. yes. yes. i can help you. but you need to make a deposit. do you live in staten island?

ME: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! That's where my money was STOLEN! I am in LAS VEGAS, that is like no where near staten island. So you see, it would be IMPOSSIBLE for me to be in 2 places!!! see?!!

GUY: OH! yes! I. see. yes! miss. I understand. madam. But were you in Staten Island THIS MORNING? Because you took out the money this morning at an ATM in staten Island. That is why your balance is .47 cents.