Happy New Year!!

I am so sick I want to DIE.

I have been reduced to shuffling around the house carrying my 'airborne' mug around in one hand, the remote control and my codiene cough syrup in another. My cough is so deep that when an attack comes on I pee a little. (i just wanted you to KNOW the severity here) I've gone through an entire sleeve of airborne but it's not working cuz I think this kind of disease HAD to be 'spit-borne'

I have watched OS many episodes Of Law & Order Criminal Intent and SVU that I am but a mere 9 millimeter glock pistol away from being a pee smelling serial killer.

This is My typical New year actually. Let's just go over it.


HAPPY NEW YEAR 1988!

I FINALLY was invited to spend the night on the rose parade route by my very first boyfriend Walter. We weren't QUITE bf/gf yet, but I knew that the 'night on the route' would seal the deal. Walter was cute and funny and kinda short. I was finally gonna be "cool" I had spent my entire youth lying about spending the night on the parade route, and now I didn't have to lie! It was gonna be a GOOD year!

Enter my big oafy football playing brother who was WAY into his college years. Clearly trying to relive his youth trolling the route for beer and chicks with his other oafy football gang, all drunk and grunting. I almost died when I saw them lumbering down the street. I was sober enough to know this was BAD. Walter was already pretty "wasted" (dude)

As I am cringing in my lawn chair, hiding under my big blonde bangs, I hear a big drunken "WHAT THE HELL U DOIN WITH MY SISTER HUH!?!?!?" Walter wasn't quick enough in his state, as Craig Lifted him up in a bear hug kinda way and I swear Walter peed his pants. He didn't know what hit him. He didn't even know WHO it was. Then Craig plopped him down while his football buddies were all hooping and whooping and grunting and laughing so hard they were giggling like little school girls. Walter was still terrified. He looked at me for support. Which is when my brother put a big fat paw fist into his arm and said "hey man, just jokin' with ya, I'm craig....Kristi's brother. nice to meet you man. hey...I think I made you piss your pants, uh?! uh!?"

Walter never recovered.


HAPPY NEW YEAR 1991!!

I was living in Stockton CA. You've never heard of it. Just leave it at that. I went over to my dad's house, having NOTHING else to do. My little brother Derwood was there, as was my sister and the rest of the fam. they all went to bed. Derwood and I wanted to do SOMETHING more festive than bed, after all we were young and CLEARLY the hippest most normal of the family (we still ARE) But alas, there was still nowhere to go. So we rooted around the Videos for a movie or something. What we found were my little sister's MENUDO and New Kid's on the Block videos.

We were VERY excited about this. we ran to the kitchen to make mint cookie milkshakes, and hunkered down for an evening of Spanish Music videos. We watched Every.single.one. We laughed so hard, I was spitting mint shake out my nose. We even attempted some dance moves. We were up till dawn, and then crashed.

That was my favorite New Year's EVER. We made a pact to do it again EVERY year. Our Mexican New Year tradition. Of course, life moves on and children grow up, and the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man on the moon, when you comin' home son, I don't know when, but we'll get together then, yah, I know we'll have a good time then...bam, ba bam bam bam.

HAPPY NEW YEAR THE MILLENIUM!!!!

I decided that THIS was the year I would lOVE New Year's. I was living in NYC. I was gonna go to paris, or or London, or or, Italy! I was gonna do something fun and outrageous.

I went to Utah. yes, utah.

I decided to try and relive the ONE happy new year with Derwood, and go to Salt Lake, party with college friends, and then on New Years Day I was going to learn to snowboard with Derwood!!!! Wooo. FUN! Innovative! This was the stuff memories are MADE of!

I flew out there the day before and immediately got SICK. SO sick. Sick like how I am now, only running snot everywhere and a massive fever.

Not wanting to bring My little brother down, I told him to go ahead to his party and maybe I'd be better in the morning. I ended up on my friend rebecca's couch, alone, freezing with chills, watching the stupid ball drop in Manhattan, the fireworks over the thames river, the light show on the eiffel tower. i couldn't even get up to go back home into bed.

Well, anyways, Darrin got SO drunk at his party that he wouldn't have snowboarded the next morning anyway, or the next, or the next....he sure had outgrown those mint cookie milkshakes!

HAPPY NEW YEAR 2002!!

I decided to drive from NYC to Wash dc.to party with my best friend Joe. His friend Paul had scored us an invite to some great club in the hip DC area and we got to go for FREE because Paul's friend needed people to hand out the champagne filled glasses right before midnight. Sounded like a sweet deal.

Except it was an ALL GAY party. And yes, I still arrived hopeful, because all the gay guys said "oh yah, but ton's of het's go there on New Years! TONS!"

LIE.

I was SURROUNDED by the hottest guys in the city. who were ALLLL gay. AND Joe was doing NOTHING but trying to hook up with his new love interest. I was invisible. and trapped. My hair was all dyed and straightened. I looked cute and had on my cute party face. But after an hour or so I just kept kickin' back the free drinks until almost midnight arrived and we had to pass out trays of VERY TALL glasses filled with champagne. our only job.

They started handing me trays and I was so drunk, and in "stacked heeled" boots, and it was SO crowded, that i kept spilling EVERY.SINGLE.TRAY. I did not even hand out one single glass, because I dropped a good 5 trays and then that was it.

I walked home ALONE in DC, with my Light-up Top had that was still blinking 2002 and watched tv while eating reese's puffs cereal, still drunk.


I could go on.

But I'm too sick to type anymore and Goren & Eames are on and it's one that I HAVEN'T already seen.

So, you know, HAPPY NEW YEAR 2008!

happy new years eve eve

I am sick....again. But LUCKILY there is a new year's eve eve law & order svu marathon on. and it's been on all.day.long.

This is my general M.O. for New Year's. I have been sick like, every other year. Maybe it's cuz I hate New Year's. I dunno...back to Stabler and benson and Ice-T.

I hate today....

December 26th sucks. Why?

Because it's THE VERY LAST acceptable day to listen to Christmas songs. And it's pushing it at that. No more Josh Groban (you can't listen to him in real life unless you're A/gay and/or B/middle aged.

No More Clay Aiken (same as above, except just gay)(actually, even my gay friends would be insulted by this)

No More Chimpunks Christmas song.

Sigh.

Merry christmas to all....

and to all a GOOD NIGHT!

WEEEEEEEEE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS.....

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE!!!

YAY! I LOVE today. I am READY. Woke up early, ready to clean this crack house (looks like it anyway) Actually i should leave all the stuffed animal batting that litters every room of my house and pretend it's "snow". ANd then maybe hang the fleece carcasses on the tree. you know, ornaments!

In my shopping expeditions, I stumbled in this merry bag from my favorite store



I mean, Barney's? Green? like green as in "earth friendly?" I'm not sure hocking Prada is Earth friendly, but of it is? Then YAY me! I support a GREEN environment!!!!

Happy GREEN holidays!!! Momma needs a new pair of "green" shoes!!! woohooo!

ECSTASY!!!

Not ONLY is my whole saturday revolved around the BRIAN BOITANO CHRISTMAS SPECTACULAR....but what I missed in my last blog about this very event, when I foolishly asked "what more could you ask for?" is that it includes DOROTHY HAMIL!!! AND KRISTI YAMAGUCHI!!! ALL in an ice rink inside a baseball field!!!!!!!!!!!

I just passed out.

when yoga teachers go bad...

I just took a yoga class. It was an ANUSARA yoga class. In hindu, Anusara means "sucky" Well, I mean, i think It does. I read it somewhere.

anyhoo, the "teacher" said the words "express" and "kidney" in every other sentence. It went something like this.

(read in sing song voice)

"I want you to EXPRESS your leg towards the front, leading and opening with your KIDNEYS, not your leg. And then EXPRESS your heart center towards the back, EXPRESSING your hands on your KIDNEYS, EXPRESSING your fingers into the KIDNEY line. Not below the KIDNEY line, but right in it, which allows you to EXPRESS your back correctly so you don't close off the KIDNEYS. And then bring your KIDNEYS over your leg, EXPRESSING your toes into the mat."

FIrst off, I barely know where my kidneys are. i mean, I know they're SOMEWHERE below my ribs, I think, so I don't really KNOW how to Express them or lead with them. Second, I only like to use the word EXPRESS as in " i would like a double EXpresso please..." or in the context of "HURRY THE FUCK UP!" or the EXPRESS 10 items or less line. NOT in my yoga practice please.

by the end of the longest 90 minutes of my life, I was ready to Express my fist right into her kidneys (if I knew where they were!)

WWBBD

OH. MY. GOD.

THIS? is what Christmas is worth living for.

Could you even ASK for more?? We've got Barry Manilow. Singing Christmas Carols. WHILE Brian Boitano SKATES to them. And If you are NOT cancelling party plans to be home watching this event? there is something SERIOUSLY wrong with you!

seriously it's the season of GIVING

My yoga students often give me little christmas presents. It's SO sweet and cute. Usually it's like 20 bucks, or more often a starbucks card, or a CD or something. I am always totally touched by this.

and yet....

Today one of my students, a VERY WEALTHY gay guy in his late 40's dipped into his generosity hat, and WAYYYYYYYY overextended himself by giving me, all wrapped up in a mini gift bag from Wholefoods, (the kind of gift bag that is for giftCARDS) A brownie. ONE SINGLE BROWNIE. Wrapped in foil in the wholefoods giftcard bag.

So let me break this down for you.

He basically STOLE the giftcard bag from wholefoods, even though they're free WITH PURCHASE OF GIFTCARD, and baked a batch of brownies in which I was extended ONE. And these aren't even POT brownies (not that that would matter, I don't DO pot brownies, but at least the gesture would have been rare and special)

Last year I balked when someone gave me a $5 starbucks card, cuz come on, $5? really? Better not get a VENTI. But THIS takes the cake...er, emm, brownie, as it were.

I even opened the foil allll the way to see IF there was a gift card SOMEWHERE. I was even HOPING for a $5 wholefoods giftcard. I could have bought some mints or something.

call me ungrateful, but I have STANDARDS people. ONE brownie???!!

Let's just make this the season of Peace, shall we?

I think that, if you don't have time to volunteer your time to the poor, or feed the children in Africa, and you just never put money in the goodwill bucket simply because that ringing bell annoys the hell out of you (and also you wonder if some bum stole a bucket, slapped some paint on it and put on a santa suit and is going to use all your cash on crack...I mean IF you think that) then there ARE ways we can all make a DIFFERENCE (other than being a top model, or top design star anyway)(although, they DO make a difference, you know?)

So I have some GREAT ways to spread Peace and GIVE back during the holidays...After all it is the spirit of giving that drives us during the season...but ONLY during the season.

1. GIVE PATIENCE When you're standing in line at the grocery store, say, and the woman in front of you in the 10 items or less lane not only has 12 items, but is paying ALL IN CHANGE (and she's NOT poor, she has MERCEDES keys) then don't tap your foot, huff and puff, roll your eyes and glare at her. Just take a breath, remind yourself you're better than her, and take a look-see at the chocolates and mints for sale right next to the cashier. It diverts your attention, gives YOU a good excuse for a little treat, and keeps you from spitting on selfish stupid change hoarding rich lady. BE THE CHANGE.

2. In the next few days, just let everyone who is trying to get in your street lane go. pause, even, and wave them ahead. If they're trying to come out of a driveway in to heavy traffic YOU be the one to let them through. No matter how many times you have to slow down and stop. Smile to yourself. You have done a good nice holiday thing. Jesus would do it. Also, it will drive the asshole behind you who refused to let YOU in INSANE. And then you're showing HIM an important holiday lesson too. SET THE EXAMPLE.

3. NEVER EVER waste holiday candy and treats. remind yourself there are people out there starving and it is a SIN to let chocolate and stuff go to waste. just eat it all. It makes YOU happy, and when YOU are happy, others are happy. START AN EPIDEMIC.

4. when you get a stuoid lame gift that you hate, give it to someone you don't like. The person you hate the MOST even. They will be SHOCKED and they will also HAVE to be nice to you even though they still hate you and also they will probably have to go get you a gift too because no way are they going to let YOU be the bigger person. SPREAD THE JOY.

That's all I've come up with for now. Maybe print this up for yourself, hang it above your bathroom mirror, to remind yourself to LIVE IN LOVE and truly make this THE SEASON OF GIVING.

Blessings!

away in a manger....or just Reno

THANK YOU BABY JESUS!!!.....

Jake is going away for a WHOLE WEEK!!!

Christmas HAS ARRIVED!

Deck the halls with boughs of oreos fa la la la la...la la la la!!
Tis the season to be eating. fa la la la la...la la la la.
Don we now our fat apparel fa la la la la la...la la la.
Join the ancient yuletide starbucks
fa la la la la
la la
la
laaaaaaaaaa!!!!

mmmmm...cold rainy day in sunny CA

This is my FAVORITE kind of morning. TO wake up to cold rain, streets quiet because no one knows how to drive in the rain here. Walk the wet dogs to starbucks, grab a hot coffee, and then rush right back home, dogs curled up by my feet on the couch. Life is perfect on mornings like this. Unfortunately they only happen once or twice here in Hell-A. So Just wanted to share my perfect morning...and let you know that Christmas present requests are BEST when I'm in a good mod like this :) I might actually listen to you!
But you only have 20 more mins, at which time I have to drive to some clients all the way in Bel Air and with LA drivers who freak out in the rain, it won't be pretty.
LOVE and PEACE and JOY to ALL of God's CREATURES!!!! for now.

What? i hadn't had coffee yet!

Today the LARGE dog area of the dog park was closed, and we were the first people/dogs there of course, and so we had to go to the SMALL dog area. Then this annoying woman comes with her chihuahua and some other small moppy dog and she looks at us, looks at the SMALL DOG AREA sign, looks at us, etc. She makes a HUGE production of this hoping I'll get her point.

So OF COURSE I say to her "the large dog run is closed, so we have to all be in here"

not at all.

I kept quiet. My mean self wanted to see her work herself up into a frenzy at which point I would then passive aggressively say it in my sweetest kindest voice.

She comes in and yells "Isn't this the SMALL DOG area?"

I turn around, smile big and say..."YES! it is. You can come in"

She now wants to kill me.

Then she steps closer, clutching her now wildly yapping chihuahua acting like Mick, Maggie and hobbling Beck are a pack of wild pitbulls.

Happily for me, they were being perfect and ignoring her stupid dogs.

She says "Isn't the LARGE dog area over there?"

So I say Smiling, ignoring "oh my gosh! your dogs are SO cute" ( a beat) oh and yah...the large dog area IS over there" as if I were giving her helpful information. smile smile. throw ball, ignore.

She is completely annoyed with me now, especially since she can't be a total bitch because I said her dogs were cute.

Her chihuahua is now going crazy and mick goes over with his puppy self to play. So her dog barks even more. She's still clutching it and the other little dog is being cute playing with mick.

So she then starts talking LOUDLY to her yappy dog."ohhhhh, it's okay nicky...I would be SCARED TOO if I just weighed 5 little pounds and there was a BIG GIANT dog around me!"

I chuckle amicably and say "Yah...Mick just LOVES all dogs, especially the ones who don't like him. The meaner they are the more he tries to get their attention."

She then talks to her dog again "ohhhh, you're not mean, you just like to run around with DOGS YOUR SIZE, don't you nicky. You're just a LITTLE guy who is 1/8 the size of these BIG DOGGIES and you just want to play, but these dogs are just TOO BIG aren't they Nicky?"

I was so thoroughly entertained. I just smiled a big dumb smile and continued to throw their ball. She left pretty fast, and after she walked out the gate she spent a good 10 minutes looking at the SMALL DOG AREA sign, looking at us, etc. So naturally, I waved and said "Have a good morning!!"

things that make you go HMMMMM....

hey...whatever happened to Arsenio Hall anyway?

Anyhoo....there's a new coffee place down the street from me called COFFEE & COFFEE. I just wish I had been in on the meeting that took place to come up with that name. I mean unless it's a brother/sister team who's last name happens to be COFFEE....then I don't get it. I wanna go in there and ask for tea.

There's also a mini mart down the street that's called 999 LUCKY SEVEN MART. And the sign is three giant 9's and the "lucky seven mart" written through the middle. I looked to see if 999 was the address, and it's not. I wonder if they put in an order for 777 lucky seven mart and the sign shop screwed up and said they could have the sign for free and the owners just went for it. yah. I bet that's it.

when you've crossed over CHAPTER 1

I made a Christmas CD for my dumb young trainer Jaaaaaake.

HIM: HEY! Who's that cute little boy singing :i saw mamma kissing santa clause?

ME: (in a squat)(WITH weights)(matter of factly) oh that's the Jackson 5!

HIM: OH! are they new?

ME: (scoffing) THE JACKSON FIVE! Michael Jackson. When he was a KID. Ringing any bells here jake!?

HIM: OHHHHH...wow...he sang when he was little? I didn't know that!

ME: sigh. Are we DONE yet!?!?

can't.lift.arms.h....e.....l.....p......meeeeeeeeee

My trainer, he-who-must-not-be-named, has some weird arm fetish. Every time I leave there I can't lift my arms even past my waist. typing right now is even a HUGE effort...but lifting the tv remote? impossible. seriously. I have to just watch one channel. First therapy, now this! I'd rather be sitting pretty on my shrink's couch, thank you very much. But he cut me loose. Said I was fine now, just need to exercise.

pfft.

I KNOW there's another drug for me out there! I JUST KNOW IT! GOD...whatever happened to fen-fen?

Jake (of COURSE his name is Jake)(how very melrose place) is SO sweet and nice. in person.

But jake-as-trainer? not so sweet. not so nice. I can tell I am his new little project. Which I guess is fine by me. I mean this IS what I want right?!?!?

ho hummm....I just wanna be a top model.

Also, I haven't done ANY Christmas shopping yet for the simple fact that I can never lift anything. So, sorry folks, cards are gonna be all I can handle, If you're lucky, maybe I'll manage a gift card too. mayyyyybbbeeee.

just for fun

You Are Thanksgiving

You are a bit of a homebody who enjoys being in the company of people you love. so true so true. shut-in might be a better word sometimes. It doesn't take a lot to make you happy. You're enjoying life as it is. ...with therapeutic drugs anyhow You have many blessings in your life, and you are grateful for each one. yes I do~ but is Mick a blessing??? I am not "grateful" for the "surprises" he leaves for me in the living room You believe that life is about what you *do* have. You feel like you have enough of the good stuff. I kinda think life is more like what I DON'T HAVE...like a new lexus and a doughnut maker What makes you celebrate: Family, friends, and the changing of the seasons. family, friends, changing of the seasons, AND gingerbread lattes At holiday get togethers, you do best as: The host of the party OH YAH! On a holiday, you're the one most likely to: Spend so much energy preparing that it's a full time job yes! and don't YOu forget iT!

What Holiday Are You?

CHRISTMAS WISH LIST

Here's the first thing on my list. AND seriously, i am NOT joking. And then if you buy it for me, and then visit me...I will make some for you! (it even has a CONVEYOR BELT!!!)
woo hoo! Keep tuning into this blog for further things I might want for the holidays :)

My Baby daddy

This is Mick's dad. His name is DIGGER...which truly explains a LOT about Mick's "garden" behavior.

It's my girl's birthday!!!

Maggie is now 4 whole years old!

dumb dumb dumb

I hired a personal trainer for 3 days a week.

This is one of the dumbest things I have done this year, right up there with spinning class and getting a "free" golden retriever.
I wouldn't say it's initially HARDER, per se, than spinning, as in it hasn't made me cry....YET. However, when I attempted to drive home from my session, I could barely turn the wheel right and left. My arms and legs are SO rubbery shaky I can hardly function.

I had to shampoo my hair in increments because I couldn't keep my arms up for more than a few seconds. FORGET flat-ironing it. I might even have to scale down from a grande gingerbread latte (he told me I had to get skim milk...riiiiighhhht) to a tall for the mere fact that a grande may be too heavy to lift to my mouth.

why god? why? Why weren't Adam and Eve FAT?

Still half empty...

Not only can I not walk b/c of calf pull, and am sicker than yesterday, but then today, as I walked down my front stairs, which apparently the "gardeners" watered (they don't water all my dying plants, but make sure to hose down the STAIRS) I slipped, of course and slammed my but into another stair. PLUS I was now all wet. I just sat there and cried.

The upside, and the ONLY upside?

I got my vicodin cough syrup from the doctor. I will be happy in about 30-40 mins.

half n half

GLASS HALF EMPTY

-I pulled my calf muscle in the first 5 minutes of my personal training session. Feels like knife is in my calf every time I step forward.

-Woke up with nasty cold, drool on pillow, sinus headache. PLUS can't walk b/c calf pull.

-ALSO, arms V.V. sore from upper body crazy workout with personal trainer since could not do any lower body exercise b/c calf pull. Trainer did crazy arm stuff. can't even cough b/c chest muscles sore. Trainer has black little heart.

GLASS HALF FULL

-got to miss training session today

-Pedicure looks AMAZING.

Black Friday

Why do people even get up early to shop for xmas presents today? Me? personally, I am thoroughly enjoying my late morning wake up, lounging on the couch eating pie for breakfast.

As I watch fox news interviewing people who went to the 4 a.m. sales (seriously? 4 a.m.??) (and that's at mervyn's and Kohl's. why bother? That's just CRAZY!)(and they say I have a problem with shopping? pfft.)

Also I would NEVER buy xmas presents today because then , by actual xmas, those presents have not only been slashed to final clearance, but probably they're showing up in TJ MAXX and ROSS in final clearance and then people will think you're just cheap.

mmmm, time for some more pie.

Eat THIS Pilgrims!

This is what I have eaten today (because I KNOW you are DYING to know)

Breakfast/Brunch=3 pieces sourdough toast and an undisclosed portion of Jamoca Oreo Ice Cream (see previous post)


Dinner...?=fistful of doritos and fist full of Circus Animal cookies christmas edition.

That's it. I have been to FOUR grocery stores today, plus costco and target. I had an ENTIRE carload of food. But all I could reach for was the doritos and cookies. And I had NO time for anything else.

I think that's why my hands are shaking as I type. hey! I still have more jamoca left....

hallmark moment

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

INTERIOR: Carmine's Italian Restaurant

SCENE: Birthday Lunch with Mom and Mom's Husband. Not having much in to say, conversation turns to Thanksgiving...


MOM: I can get you a great fresh turkey if you want. I ordered 6 of them, just in case.

(Explaining the "just in case" is the story of my life. wait till my autobiography comes out)

ME: Thanks, are they organic? I only use organic.

MOM: (looks insulted and angry that I am being picky about a free turkey offer) well, they don't SAY organic. Personally i can't
STAND organic turkeys. no flavor. eww.

ME: Well, I just don't want all the antibiotics and hormones.

STEPFATHER: hey. do you know HOW to make a hormone?

(a beat)

STEPFATHER: Don't pay her!

(he is turning beat red laughing)

ME: (speechless) (not sure which chapter addresses this in dr. phil's "Family First" book) (do I acknowledge this? pretend to laugh? roll my eyes?) (am confused)

MOM: (ignores and interrupts)(thank god!) Hey! do you have any gay friends in their 60's?

ME: uh, NO. why would I even KNOW any gay men in their 60's? I don't even have any regular friends in their 60's!

MOM: Well I'm just trying to find a date for my friend peter. He's SUCH a nice guy. And I figured you might know someone! you
have so many gay friends. Maybe Joe knows someone?

ME; I don't. He doesn't.

(some silence)

(I go back to my pizza)

(she bites her salad, contemplating)

MOM: (looking at me seriously) hey. do you suppose gay men have more oral sex or anal sex?



So, it's come to this. Happy birthday.

It all starts with one scoop!

I went to baskin robbins today for a scoop of my newest addiction. It's the JAMOCA OREO.
That would be
JAMOCA (derived from the ever famous MOCHA) and
OREO (OREO!!)
I mean seriously, The only other thing they could have added to that to make it more desirable by me would have been rice krispie treats.
So, I have had a "problem" lately because I can't seem to get enough of it. SO I went in today for my innocent ONE scoop in a cup and the lady says "that is our last container, we aren't carrying it any more, it's a promotion...do you want the whole container?"
WHAT? I do NOT want the whole container! Buuuutttt...maybe I should get a pint.
she gets the pint.
welll...mayyybeee I should get a quart then, you know, for the holidays.
she goes to get the quart and then turns to me with the HALF GALLON BUCKET and says "I will just fill this up for you and take $3 off the price. you want that?!"
uh. umm. yah. sure.
I swear to you on my life that I have never EVER bought a half gallon bucket of ice cream at baskin robbins. until today.
She crams the entire remains of the container into that giant bucket and puts it in a bag and then asks if I want a spoon!
Like I'm just going to eat it on the way home.
I was in a fog. Partly this was like a dream come true, a fantasy since childhood to walk off with the biggest conatiner in the store filled with my most favorite flavor.
and partly i was horrified and terrified I would in fact sit down and eat the whole thing.
I'm not saying either way what the rest of my afternoon went like.

don't mess with mick

Isn't he sweet.

FAll SHOPPING is here!

so here are some random notes for those of you consumers out there...

-Trader Joes has all new products including choc chip cookie ice cream sandwiches...YUM! but the frozen teriyaki chicken entree? NO. Leave it in the freezer, and move RIGHT along to the party sized meatballs.

-Dark chocolate covered altoids? Proof that God is among us. It's like you get to eat candy ALL.DAY.LONG. in the name of minty fresh breath. AND they sell them at Bed Bath and Beyond. So you can use all those 20% off coupons.

-Target started carrying BUSTELO coffee. It LOOKS ghetto in a bright yellow can. you might think it's like folgers or chock full o' nuts or something. NO NO NO. There was a time when I went to NY and bought 10 cans to bring back which caused quite a stir at the airport security. It was WORTH it. Buy a LOT there so they will continue to carry it.

-If you are tempted to buy the new "cherry pie" bubble bath at Bath 'n Bodyworks, wait. smell it a LOT. at first you think "mmmmm...cherry pie!" and later, when you get home and re-smell it you think "eww...nyquil? Cherry robitussin?" The "pie" has mysteriously disappeared. Try instead Philosophy's RED VELVET CAKE BATTER. And then you'll be inspired to MAKE a red velvet cake, you know, for the holidays, for OTHER PEOPLE.

-Costco surprisingly carries THE BEST french feta cheese EVER. It's $5 for a giant block. at the cheese store here it's $9 for 1/4 the size.

That's all for now. Should keep you busy this week.

Fall is here!!

This is my MOST favorite time of year.
1. I LOVE daylight savings when it's the "fall back" one. (but I have to insert here, that on sunday when I went to change my watch, I was trying to remember what was what and I was all "fall forward...spring back?")(old age)
2. I LOVE when it actually goes below 72 degrees. here, 65 is CHILLY. (btw...is there a "degrees" sign on a keyboard? I cant' find it.)
3. I know THE SEASON is officially upon us when I go to starbucks and they have the red winter cups. That? is like it's own holiday for me. The starbucks red cup day. I am happy that whole season. once the white comes back in january life is bleak again.
4. Halloween is my MOST favorite holiday for too many reasons to list here, but most of which, the next day is November 1 and THAT means that my birthday is SO around the corner. I feel like from NOV 1-NOV 17 I can celebrate. So, I buy myself presents and treats everyday until the big day when you all are SUPPOSED to buy my treats and presents. (consider this GOOD timing...you still have 9 shopping days and 7 shipping days!)
5. FAll is SUCH a good excuse for baking stuff. you get to pretend that you're baking stuff for other people, but really you eat it all. brownies, cookies, rice krispie treats....all in the name of holiday baking!!
6. PUMPKIN PANCAKES AT IHOP!!!

I'm sure there's more, but I just can't list it ALL.
so, HAPPY FALL!

Utah Fun

people say the darndest things...

Some more endearing things people say when I have all three dogs...

"awww...is this a golden puppy? are your other two labs? I have a golden too, and let me tell you, once you have a golden you will NEVER go back to labs!"

(this bitch said this RIGHT in front of my perfect maggie!)(must teach her to bite)

When Mick was playing with some lady and growling and biting at her dog's leash that was dangling around her neck..."oh, your puppy is angry dog. Why he so angry? He bery angry dog"

My personal favorite..."awww...are you a dog walker?"


the golden child and the less desirable labs

The angry puppy

your STUPID

I would LOVE to believe that A. people are basically good and B. people are basically intelligent.

Now, the first one is SO not true, and if you doubt me spend some time with 2 yr olds. especially 2 yr olds with OTHER 2 yr olds.

The second one, well, you know, we usually think SOME people are stupid like people who live in trailors and generally anyone who goes on a self-help talk show and/or any reality court show. (I mean don't STOP doing that dumb people, it fills my day with delight)

But i have to say that every time I get a new dog I learn that stupidity has no favortism across various tax brackets. When I got maggie, just about EVERYONE would stop and say "awww, is that the mother and baby?" (this was directed at BECK, my MALE dog) But even so, why does anyone think that a dog walks around with her one baby?
Also when Leslie and I would walk our puppies together, MANY people would ask "awww....are you selling those dogs?"
huh? who the hell walks around selling puppies? Who ASKS that?

I kinda wrote these people off as bizarre and weird. I figured it was a fluke that I ran into so many idiots.

And NOW that I have Mick, I have disturbingly heard too many times "awww, is that the mom, dad and baby?" And once again "are you selling that puppy?"

I have heard these from MANY intelligent looking people, and I would say 95% of all people I run into ask the mom/dad/baby question. It still shocks me. especially when beck is so old he hobbles around at about a mile every 4 hours. what makes people even think he can hump?

oh well, I always thought I was pretty dumb, now i walk around with my mom dad and baby dog with a nice fat ego, thinking that as dumb as I can be, i ain't dumb like those idiots.


sorry, it wouldn't be a blog without the puppy that's for sale.

9 weeks

I know, I know, ENOUGH already....but still...

Micky Mac

I have no life. I don't deny it.

8 weeks

I know these aren't technically "posts" but i am too tired to WRITE anything. You know, puppies are SO cute...when they're SLEEPING. Other than that theyre a complete pain in the ass...that's why god made them so damn cute...cuz otherwise we would kill them. ANd? puppies are WAY cuter when they belong to someone else.

Mick Watch Day 5

I know I know, Pics of Kids and puppies...BOR-ING. I mean, I have nothig ELSE to write about. Except, I will go on record saying that I REALLY want a dog nanny. I woke up this morning, took them to the park, came back all 3 muddy, one whimpering, had to prepare 3 different bowls of food, then wipe all the mud paws off the floor, all the while keeping the older dogs from trying to steal the puppy's food and/or kill the puppy. WHEW! I was exhausted by 8 AM. I will bet MONEY that you will be seeing dog nannies pop up in the next 5 years. You read it here first folks!

when the meds don't work...

Well, every once in a while we all, in humanity, make BIG BIG HUGE stupid mistakes, cuz, you know, I'm, WE'RE only human on this planet. And when psychotropic meds don't work, and the psychiatric community fails you, well then I, I mean WE, turn to, say OTHER measures, EVEN IF they aren't the smartest measures. We cope. We do our best. Some turn to the bottle, some turn to Jesus. And you know, AT LEAST I don't have a reckless cocaine habit...although.....
.....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
....
.....
.....




...although a reckless cocaine habit may have made more sense...

Trapper John, M.D.

I just went to get a "physical" at a "doctor's" office.

Now, I haven't had a physical, in umm, well, 3rd grade maybe? dunno. Mostly because I HATE doing stuff like that and even though it's "just a $20 co-pay" there are ALWAYS hidden charges from my ghetto insurance company. But anyhoo I was bored the other day, People's Court was in re-runs, and I just decided to schedule every doctor appointment possible. After all I pay $100 a month for this lame insurance, that DOESN'T even cover the ONE doctor I see every week, so i figured I should use it.

I had to fill out one of those lame forms where you lie a lot. And they ask those questions about family history to which I know none. I mean, who does? It asked about my maternal great grandmother. And her health history. Well, i don't even know my own mother's health history, and the sad part is, I didn't even know my parent's ages. they're in their mid sixties somewhere. after 50, it's all the same...just old.

(my dad reads this blog. It's gonna be a dry christmas for me)

Then the questionnaire asks funny things like "do you have a problem with food?"

wellll, isn't that kind of subjective. By FOOD, do they mean, oreos? And is coffee included in the FOOD category? I mean I have a problem with SOME foods, but I have NO problem overeating, say spinach (well, unless it's the costo spinach dip) or tofu or wheat grass...So I answered the obvious "NO"

And then of course you answer NO and you then get weighed. I just looked at the ceiling and whistled.

Then I SEE the ole doc and I explained that I had gained a heftly load of weight these last 2 years, but you know, NOT cuz I have a "problem" with food, it was you know, a 'problem' with LA. I said all this AS IF I had been skinny before, never ever had a weight issue," just these last two years. oh well, what're you gonna do?"

so he asked, "what are you going to do?"

And I said matter of fact, that you know, I work out now. I spin.

Then he says, and I quote "you know, they have found that you actually lose weight from actually taking in LESS food, LESS calories"

uhhhh. you think?

and then "and studies have actually shown that people who weigh everyday are successful in weight loss, whereas people who DON'T weigh every day gain it back"

K, I have been weighing myself everyday since I was 5, hmmmm.

Aside from all this nonsense, he was fat. not BIGGEST LOSER fat, but for sure "hefty." he must not weigh EVERY DAY.

THIS? is why I hate going to doctors. They tell you stuff you already know from the internet. I personally believe they are moving towards obsolete. They're only good for prescription meds in my book.

spiritual spin

I just got back from spin class. I cried in my car ALL.THE.WAY.HOME. I cried allll the way down Sunet, LaBrea and to my garage. Spin class left me an emotional wreck. I know, I know, using the words "emotional" and "spin" in the same sentence is CLEARLY a sign that someone is in need of clinical psychotherapy.

uh huh.

I know I have been blogging about spinning WAY too much, and quite frankly, I only go once a week. So that just goes to show how VERY much it completely tortures you. It has never left me in tears on the way home, and worst of all, I wasn't crying about ANYthing.

Thank GOD I got home and DESIGN STAR was on, because I stopped crying IMMEDIATELY and started judging other loser's lives. What really gripped me was that they had a kind of contest where "deserving" families wrote in to get chosen for the design "stars" to go "enhance" their lives by re-doing a room for them. This just cracks me up.

FIRST of all they show one of the winning families who are giving their sob story. and first up was this full on white trash couple who video taped their "living room" Their carpet section was all moldy and coming apart, their blinds were literally all falling down, their plaid couches were so stained and raggedy you could BARLEY see the pink plaid showing through. Their linoleum was all coming up from the floor...it was a disaster. And THEN among all this wreckage, their baby crawling on the particle board floor, she says into the camera, practically fake crying "I wanna fix up everything but we just don't have the money. we are broke and we jus' wanna nicer place for our baby" BUT as she's talking you can't HELP but notice the BRAND NEW 60 inch TV in the background.

HAHAHAHHAH!

Then my next favorite part is when the "designers" go out to "help" these deserving families and you can hear the voice-overs saying " this is what I LOVE about being a designer...being able to change people's lives, enhance them you know?!"

ahhh, no matter how bad life can get, no matter how much a shambles spin class leaves you in, no matter WHAT your life circumstance, you can ALWAYS redecorate....or, at least watch it happen and make fun of it on TV.

either way, it changes your life...you know?!

Miss Teen USA 2007 - South Carolina answers a question

what? I mean....why is geography so important anyway?!?!

YOGIC SAGE LIFE LESSONS

SO OVER: Pampering your children

SO LAST SEASON: Pampering your pets

SO NOW: pampering your iphone

coffee talk...

Conversation this morning with Richard....the regular coffe guy in his early hundreds who is a staple here at jack's coffee in NY...

RICHARD: hey! whatever happened to that nice japonese girl that worked here?

ME: You mean Haya? Oh she became a yoga instructor! she teaches yoga now!

RICHARD: Yoga? well, you'd think she would have done something, anything, better than THAT!

ME: (smiling)

RICHARD: I mean, she is smarter than THAT. You would expect her to be in the senate or or, running a company or something. but not THAT!


god I love New York.

welllll...when in Jersey.....

All I can say is...NORDSTROM ANNIVERSARY SALE+TAX FREE SHOPPING+IHOP BREAKFAST HIGH =one happy ass yoga teacher in NO need of therapy and/or mood altering drugs. Tom Cruise was right...there ARE other ways.

riding in cars with pugs

no respect I tell ya....no respect.


too many Zingers and cheetos


"Are we there yet? are we there yet? wait...where are we?"

Number of tickets in West Virginia for driving a commercial truck in the left hand lane? 1
(cuz EVERYBODY KNOWS you don't drive a moving truck in the left lane! Idiot!)

Number of Pug pee pee stops? 42

Number of scenic views? 0

Number of pugs you can smash into the space between two car seats? 2

Number of times you stepped on dozing pugs underneath the gas pedals? countless.

Number of times you thought "my labs would NEVER do that?" millions.

uhhhh..what?

I just wanted anyone who reads this to know, if you're ever feeling like you can't do anything right, or someone or something makes you just feel dumb and stupid, well you can come to MY blog and then you will feel better!

For the past coupla days I have been feeling VERY tired. back on MON I felt like I was getting sick, so I went and bought some AIRBORNE (even though I don't REALLY believe in it, but thought, FINE, what the hell, maybe it'll work) So by WED I was feeling EXHAUSTED, so I thought it was because I was getting sick...REALLY sick. By today, I felt dizzy while I was driving, light headed all day, panicky that I had cancer that my dumb ass dogs had NOT sniffed out...and I thought I might have to go to a real doctor to get checked for cancer or whatever horrible dizzy-making disease that was sucking the lifeblood outta me.

I was actually getting really worried.

I had NEVER been so sick that I felt dizzy and like sleeping ALL THE TIME, with no other symptoms.

So I slumped home today, and grabbed desperately for my last Airborne fizzy tablet and it was only THEN that I saw on the tube that I had been, ALL WEEK...EVERY MORNING, taking airborne NIGHTIME!!!!!

so, cancer cured.

AND? AIRBORNE SUCKS BIG TIME!!! I didn't even KNOW they MADE a Night formula!

Valley of the Yoga Dolls

Aside from the fact that I don't drive a premium luxury BRAND NEW Range Rover, I had one of those moments today where I suddenly noticed my very CLICHE LA behavior, and I had to pause and laugh at myself.

Well, I was filling my MANY prescription Meds, fresh outta the shrink's office, and while at the pharmacy I picked up the new US weekly and People, and a pack of gum, and I got in my car, popped the lids, poured the happy little pills in my hand and swiftly downed them with my Iced double mocha. ahhh...lunch. (Trust me, you don't want me off my meds...) WHILE I was texting my friend in the other hand. THIS, my friends, is the GLAM life of a multitasking LA yoga teacher extraordinaire!!

I then sped away, off to Target, to get some toilet paper.

meditation, schmeditation.

WHy I sometimes hate my yoga job....

Scene 1: Int. CAR. Me (on cell phone calling the last dregs of yoga teachers because all the normal teachers are busy)

ME: Hi, umm is MOTHER there?

MOTHER: yah, this is HIM.

(a beat)

ME: umm, yah, so this is PeeWee, and I was umm, wondering if you could sub my sunday morning class.

MOTHER: oh sorry! My boyfriend and I are going to the beach.

(silence)

ME: (I have drifted off into my mind, where Mother and his boyfriend are having sex and they're in bed and his boyfriend is going "oh yes MOTHER. YES!!") uhhhokaythanksgottago...


Scene 2: int. car. ME (on cell call #2)

MAN's VOICEMAIL: Hi! You have reached the desk of SOARING EAGLE, i am either away or on another call, but please leave a message. namaste.

ME: (some silence because I am drifting...a desk? what is he...a lawyer? accountant? insurance salesman? does his boss ever get mad and be all "HEY SOARING EAGLE where the FUCK did you put those case files?!?!?")

umm, hi, SOARING EAGLE, this is ummm PeeWee and I was umm wondering if you could sub my sunday morning class, so it's gentle yoga, and ummm, you know, they are pretty easy and so if you can just call me back. (trying to sound cheery) thanks soaring eagle!


SCENE 3: same car..


ME: hey is this LIGHT?

LIGHT: yes it is

ME: hey light! (trying to be witty) so you have a last name, or is it just light?

LIGHT: (all serious) it's just LIGHT.

ME. Oh yah! haa haa...hee...anyways, I was um wondering if you could sub my sunday class...

LIGHT: no sorry, I would LOVE to because I actually took your class once and I loved it.

ME: oh yah? well, what do you look like, would I recognize you?

LIGHT: yah, well I'm a tall black guy, but i was in the back.

(a beat)

ME: (in my mind) well, shouldn't your name be like, DARK?

ME: okay. so, well thanks anyways LIGHT (dark)



See what I have to deal with? I am so sick of all these yoga teachers whose names are PROBABLY JIm or Lamont or Nels and then they have to go pick these airy, dramatic, fluffy names. And then they act all SERIOUS when you ask about it. I mean, couldn't they be a little more REAL when choosing their yoga name? I mean couldn't MOTHER's name be FATHER? Did he discuss it with his boyfriend? did they FIGHT about it and MOTHER wanted to be FATHER but his boyfriend, a total nellie, INSISTED that he be FATHER?

Were I to have a yoga name it would just be BITCH. or FATTY...YAH! haha...just FATTY, no last name. and people would be all "hey, have you taken FATTY's class yet? it's AMAZING!" But then I'd have to be super skinny so it wouldn't make any sense.

ho hummm.

bustedtees.com

these are just a few of my faves...






















and on another note...Airborne? is disgusting! for people who say that God created everything "perfectly"...then why oh why doesn't all medicine taste like frappuccinos? huh? answer THAT one big guy!

you spin me right round baby right round...

Just got back from spin. is it getting any easier? no.
BUT here's WHY it is SO good for you. It makes you SO tired and fuzzy and mushy that you can hardly even walk, let alone think after. I know this doesn't SOUND like a benefit, but you get SO tired that you forget to scream at people. So like, on the way home, when some ass cuts you off, your arms are too shaky to honk the horn, and you open your mouth to scream, but then you just sigh. there's NO energy left.
So THAT is why it is so healthy to spin!

SAT AM...It's lonely in the wee hours...

I am up. It's 8:00 AM. Though I am sure SOME people in LA are awake, no one I KNOW is up right now, or if they are they're of the outdoorsy variety and are doing outdoorsy LA stuff. I guess I could go work out.

BUT There's a Melrose Place marathon on right now. I haven't seen this show since the early 90's. Hey...whatever DID happen to R.E.M? where did they go? I kinda miss them.

friday fog blog...

I just woke up. it's 9:30. I originally woke at 6:30 to take the dogs out. well, actually let's be real. I was WOKEN up by the idiots, cuz they wanted to go out. Then we all came back in, I threw them some bones and mama put her eye mask back on and went back to bed!

The thing is I have been trying not to have coffee in the morning...and THIS is the result. Plus today I was (am) just extra tired. for no reason. I wasn't up late. that would require a social life, a night life as the young-uns call it these days. My head is just foggy, a big caffeine deprived fog. SAD. I can't hardly even function.

I was actually up kinda late finishing a good book...called LOST AND FOUND. It's about this chick who finds a stray dog and they bond etc etc. the book talks a lot about how dogs are SO sensitive to humans and that they can actually SNIFF out cancer and illness WAY before we ever know about it. I have heard this before, but it rings in my brain right up there with the curing powers of crystals and the healing pwoers of talking to your plants and belief in ghosts, and the well being you get from cleaning your own house etc... In other words, in one ear and out the other. My brain simply refuses to retain such things.

I mean I WANT to believe AMAZING things about dogs. Will they protect me from black and asian and cat looking strangers (or anyone who wear a dangerous looking hat)? definitely. Will they calculate EXACTLY how much time it takes from when they hear my car door close to when I get up the stairs? yah! Can they hear a bag of dog treats crinkle from 5 blocks away? for sure!

But sniff out cancer? I mean...do they mean ALL dogs? or just SOME super smart kinda dogs? I mean my dogs ARE amazing! But even if beck COULD sniff out my cancer (and he is my wise soulful one) on the way over to to tell me about it he would get too quickly sidetracked by a stray stick, grab the stick with the ferocity of a guy witha reckless cocaine habit, and wanna play fetch. Then he'd pass out from exhaustion." Oh well," he thinks as he drifts off to sleep," I'll tell her tomorrow. wait. what was I gonna tell her?"

And Maggie? um she's SUPER cute. And therefore more likely to inform me that my hamburger is overcooked, and therefore unedible on my part, so I better just throw that puppy on the ground and she'll TAKE CARE OF IT.

I guess it could be true. But pehaps with a different breed. or is it different training? Are my dogs just of the paris hilton varierty? spoiled and under challenged?

perhaps. but I could make a pretty STRONg arguement for their shallow gene pool too.

Sorry to throw all this SCIENCE on you guys on a friday.


I'm totally gonna sniff out your cancer....as soon as I'm done with my nap.


hey. i think I see a big ball of cancer...wait no that's just a ball!!!! throw that thing will ya?

From the Nordstrom "magically exploding" fall shoe collection....

of course, it could ONLY happen to me....

Today, God and Jesus AND Noah are sitting up in heaven laughing their ASSES off, high 5ing each other...and Jesus turns to GOD and says "GOOD one dad...GOOOOOD ONE!" and then rolls over his side, catching his robe in his birkenstocks as he chokes into peals of girly snorty style laughter...

BEFORE this scene...the THREE had been sitting on the edge of their clouds waiting for THIS to happen...

I am sitting in my Shrink's office finishing a rather great $200 hour and he says "i think you can come less now...maybe even just once a month."

Excited? yes I was. I was FIXED! cured! (mostly) (i hadn't spit on anyone in days...WEEKS even!)

and then he says " and just so you know, I joined YOUR GYM"

UH. WHAT!?!

for those of you who don't know this...My GYM? is also MY JOB!

"yah...I PROMISE though that I won't take your yoga class" he says while chuckling.

I sat there with a weird fake shocked type smile generally reserved the the criminally insane when they just find out they got THE CHAIR.

I mean...of COURSE he isn't allowed in MY CLASS, but THAT doesn't make it better. I am now going to SEE this guy in quite possibly, small, tight gym shorts! or or a dirty wife beater tank..Or worse...what if he spins? and I run into him in BIKER SHORTS?!
WHAT if he is also wearing black knee socks or something else equally nerdy and lame?
WHAT IF he decides on a hot summer day to take a swim and I see him stroilling down the hall in...in...SPEEDOS?!?!

Is this even LEGAL? ETHICAL?

WHAT WOULD FREUD DO??

I mean this is WRONG. I object! This never happened on the Sopranos! Lorraine Bracco never EVER just decided to go to Tony's strip club! or like, his mob meetings and stuff.

How can I sit in an office, at $200 an hour and take this guy seriosuly after I've seen him huffing and puffing his way up a stairclimber?!

Now I need a shrink just to get through my other shrink showing up at my GYM/JOB!

and like, what if he DOES get a wild hair and show up in class? how can I act all authoratative and bossy to a guy who knows I SPIT on people?!

I mean in the middle of down dog is he going to lift his head and be all "I THINK we need to up your meds..."

GOD. I need a drink or ten mochas or something for this. Where ARE those girl scouts and their damn cookies when I need them?!

And HOW? I ask, will I be able to make fun of him TO him!? I mean I talk about everyone else in there...(i mean, you know, except YOU...I would NEVER talk about YOU)

UGH. I guess GOD was upstairs too busy with America's Next Top Model, helping THEM out, to be bothered with little ole me.

I don't think Pfizer even MAKES a drug for this.

WHAT is this world coming to?

....meanwhile, back on cloud nine...

(JESUS is in tears) "dad..dad...OMIDAD, this is too much. My face hurts from laughing so hard. Oh! I have a stomache cramp from laughing. wait wait...let's get here MOM to join!! HAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAH...."

party puffs?

I went to my friend Patrick's party last night. I got all excited when I walked in (because of course my eyes went DIRECTLY to the food table) and I saw what appeared to be a big bowl of CHEESE PUFFS!!

CHEESE PUFFS.
AT.A.PARTY.

I was in disbelief and ECSTATIC! not so much because I wanted to EAT cheespuffs right then, but more because I thought FINALLY it's acceptable again to have a bowl of cheese puffs for party food! FINALLY it's not just ME who would WANT that! AND to add to my glee, THIS friend is a healthy gym rat gay dude with healthy pretty West Hollywood gaybors...so if it's acceptable HERE, then MAN imagine what might pop up at a straight party!? bowls of fritos and bean dip in a can? deviled eggs? rice krispy treats? cheeze whiz? chicken-in-a-biskits with Lipton's onion dip?? little weinies on toothpicks?

no more wheat crackers and Carr's pepper bakes!! No more veggie platter! No more gourmet lame olives stuffed with weird stuff....CHEETOS BOWLS are back! And if they're back with the uber-gays...then bust out the hoho's as dessert!! "MAN"! I thought "I'm throwin a party!!"

I was so SO awash with relaxation and amazement. This was the beginning of a new/old era!

Then I floated over to the table itself and as I got closer my dreams started crashing...It was a big bowl of...of...of....CARROT STICKS!!!

WAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAH!

THAT party? sucked! stupid gays. and their fucking carrot sticks!

sunday afternoon in the summer...

MRS. WORLD is on right now. It is hosted by Adrienne Curry (ANTM)(cycle 1) and CHristopher Knight (BRADY BRADY BRADY!!) and it is, AMAZING. I just got in right as the TOP 12 were being announced...and guess what? MRS. POLAND! made it! Yay her!

WHY I am loving it so much? is because there are just some things that you THINK have died with the Cleavers and Prohibition and Racial Quotas and Denny's being considered a NICE restaurant...and then there's MRS. WORLD and you realize "HEY! THINGS are JUST as they were back in 1971" PHEW!

The best part is Peter Brady being SERIOUS as a host as he has to tell the "ladies" they have been eliminated.(he's had a brow lift, BTW)(when it's time to change...it's time to re-arrange!)

MRS. INDIA's last name is LOPEZ. weird. You think she came in 2nd in the MISS MEXICO finals and defected to India, got married, and applied for MRS. WORLD? We may never know unlesss IN TOUCH covers it.

Some of the ladies, during the bathing suit competition, wore nylons. MRS. America didn't. I think if you're gonna have a bathing suit contest, you have to tell the MRS. that they have to be bare legged. That's just what I think.

MRS. PAKISTAN got elimintaed and is PISSED. She called the rest of the MRS. contestants "STUPID and DUMB." Now that's just being a SORE Mrs. LOSER MRS. PAKISTAN!!

Also, Mrs. CHINA is HOT. but she's 26. While MRS. UKRAINE is also pretty hot, but she's 36. that doesn't seem fair. Because Mrs. UKRAINE has wrinkles and also had to wear nylons with her bikini.

MRS. AMERICA said in her interview "you know, we're not really competing. We're EXCELLING!"

I wonder if, like athletes can't have steroids, they can't have botox. can they test for that?

uh...MRS MOSCOW is 19...that is SO not fair! I mean seriosuly, there needs to be BOUNDARIES!!! I mean this just encourages pageant contestants to marry young.

MRS. GERMANY (she lost) says that "it's all rigged. All political" bitter grapes MRS. GERMANY....bitter grapes.

Peter Brady says that they are judged 25% bathing suits 25% formal wear and 50% interview. RIGHT peter.....Riiiiiiiggghhhhhtttt.

I wonder if the winner can go home with her crown and STILL be expected to Iron and vacuum. Cuz if I won that I SO would come home demanding a maid. And if my husband gave me ANY shit I would just be all "I AM MRS. WORLD!!!!"

okay....now I'm pissed because MRS. AMERICA won!? what. EVER. she isn't EVEN as pretty as MRS. YEMEN. MRS. GERMANY was right! this WAS rigged!

mexico and stuff...

I'm back from my vaca...no no, my retrea...nope...REHAB! I am back from rehab. It wasn't in Malibu though, it was in Mexico. And it wasn't for coke and/or martini addiction...THIS rehab was more for people who THOUGHT they were going to relax on the beach with NO coffee or meat, do some yoga, and otherwise float in the sea.
Those people would be wrong though. (These people? are ME)

Anyhoo, I came back feeling wrung out and EXHAUSTED, to people greeting me with "OH MY GOD! how was your vacationn?!?!?!? did you have funn?!?!"

I could barely mumble back "wasntavacation"

It's THURSDAY, I got back on sunday, and I am JUST recovering from my recovery.

I felt like Lindsay Lohan, walking around the first few days, with a water bottle in my hands instead of a starbucks cup. I felt "cured" and "superior" I had been HEALED. Then I saw her big coke binge car wreck of a weekend, mere weeks after her own rehab stint and I couldn't help but wonder "is that what's in store for me?" "Will I, in a mere few weeks be found slumped over a starbux patio chair, coffee stains down my face and pants, mumbling about venti doubles with whip?"

oh well, whatev's. I learned a LOT of key phrases on my VACATION.

so I share them here with you my fellow addicts....

"THE ANSWER TO HOW IS IN THE NOW." (self-help leaders LOVE to rhyme)(I don't even know what this means, but it rhymes)

"If you want to HEAL you've got to FEEL"

"THIS IS FITNESS FOR YOUR INNER WITNESS" (uhhh, what?")

"IF YOU CAN, YOU MUST" ( so I took this literally and yesterday I thought if I can get coffee, I MUST")

The funny thing about all the talky rhymey sesame street rehab talk is that everyone there just wanted to lose 10 lbs from the fruit fast they heard about.

and I DID!

Yay ME! I AM FREE! TIME FOR COFFEE!

(I'll be hosting my own mexican retreat/vacation/rehab soon. I'll keep you posted)






"

More Spin Class Cult torture...

I did another spin class. I still want to puke, can't sit normally, and my 'ha ha hole' is still numb AND it could audition for a 'very special episode' of Law & Order SVU and get the part.

Can I also mention that...

A. I actually cried it was so hard and

B. People who spin are INSANE MANIACS who I would SMACK or SPIT ON if I knew how to get my feet out of those stupid clips so I could get off my bike and do it.

One ass-peddler brought a cup of coffee. to spin class. bet there was a little vodka it there. and speed. same guy also brought little hand weights, cuz you know, spin class is so eeeeeezyyyy, papa needs a little more biceps. My friend next to me said "bet that guy goes home at night and puts coke up his ass." (sorry, dad)

one woman looked like road runner she was spinning soooo fast....quite literally could NOT see her feet or legs, just a blurrr. she was also bobbing her head like a starved chicken and would, ever few seconds scream out "WOOOOOO. WAH-HOOOOOO. YEEEEE-OOOOOOOH!!!" and then look around to everyone for a nod of solidarity.

Like I said, If I hadn't been folded over the handlebars heaving and crying, and locked into my pedals, I woulda spit on her.

BEST BOOK EVER!!!!

BRIGHT LIGHTS, BIG ASS by Jennifer Lancaster....Maggie was ENTHRALLED.

WhiteyVille....Little Jewtown....

Does anyone else find it weird when they drive by signs that say "little india" or "chinatown", or "thai town"...or do you just accept this as a title of an area?

Because i kinda think it's pretty racist. I myself, am for sure racist in some ways. It's not called "yogaBITCH" for nuthin'.

It seems like we name stuff for the people who will "take it" passively. I mean, HARLEM is not called "little africa" and My neighborhood is not referred to as "JewTown" (cuz it should be. It is in fact MASSIVELY populated with hasidic jews and temples)
I just find it interesting that we are willing to call certain areas by their inhabitants, and yet it's only for some groups who don't fight it.

I mean seriously, could you imagine if we called COMPTON "blacktown?" There would be an uproar, marches on washington, etc...

Just what I was thinking today when I drove through Korea Town.

the elephant and the tree

there is a story I tell to my yoga students from time to time, to get them to go a little deeper, to seek out new answers, etc..

The story is that the way they train elephants in india is this... When they are babies, they chain them to a tree. It's a LONG chain. but they can only wander off as far as the chain will go. and they are chained for i dunno, years or something. Then when the elephant is all grown they take the chain off.. VOILA! FREEDOM!.

...or so you would THINK. But alas, NO, the elephant THINKS it still has the chain, and for the rest of it's life will never wander further (farther?) than the original chain.

The Moral? What hidden "unreal" chains bind you and limit you in your life? Even though there are no REAL chains for us (well, I mean unless you're a convicted murderer)(they wouldn't GET this story) what theoretical chains bind you to the past???

deep.

moving,

thought provoking.

.
And you know, you're probably waiting for some snide sarcastic remark from me. I LIKE this story because I think it's true. I dunno if they actually TRAIN elephants this way, but The imaginary chain thing IS TRUE, and it makes a good compelling story.And it makes me sound deep and smart when I teach.

ANd I am REALIZING this week how very true it is. I had a "lightbulb moment" as it were. I was sitting here today. watching People's court from my NEW TiVo. I have been WITHOUT TiVo for 8 WHOLE MONTHS. And you know? I sat through the WHOLE hour of my TiVo'd show and realized at the END of the show, that I also watched all the commercials! The remote was RIGHT there in front of me. I COULD HAVE fast fwd'd the commercials. By JUST pushing a button. But I did not.

I, like the little baby elephant, had been trained. And even though the chains are now gone for me, I still forget to believe in myself, and Tivo, and could EASILY have watched a commercial free show. I then realized that I had been watching the commercials for th epast few DAYS.

MAN, those invisible chains are POWERFUL.

SO I share this with you today my friends, my family...I challenge you to go DEEPER. PAY ATTENTION to your life and REALLY ask yourself...what CHAINS are holding YOU back?! Don't make my mistakes. LEARN from them.

I love you all.

Namaste.

why I love fox news

DOnald Trump AND sanjaya malakar are on fox news this morning! I used to HATE the news. Now I lOVE the news...the ONLY way I would love the news MORE is if it were donald, sanjaya, AND The new bachelor/officer. GOD...I would become a shut-in.

Speaking Of crazy ass dumbshits, and I know no one else WATCHES THE BACHELOR....but you can at least understand that ABC is CLEARLY going through budget cuts because the Bachelor is back in LA AND they have chosen a 40 yr old unmarried navy officer (don't ask don't tell ploicy in effect) who is poor and stupid and old and is in the NAVY. ewwwww....what part of that rings as "a catch" to women? Being wooed by a prince...okay. Dating a wiine mogul heir, sure I'd give it a shot. Opening your legs and heart for a hot dumb football player....why not?

BUT a 40 yr old naval officer? yah...THAT"s romantic.... "and then , after we're married we get to LIVE ON BASE...and get food for REAL cheap at the base food store and I'm SURE he's not REALLY gay...that's just an old navy myth....and just think of the free time I'll have when he's away in his submarine for months and months with other men..."

workin' out

I Just took my first spin class in over about 8 months. I feel like puking, I can't move and my 'ha ha hole' is NUMB. this shit can NOT be good for you! I blame my current state on my mother.

ev'rybody was e-bay figh'in....

I've been dabbling lately in ebay selling..4 weeks now. and it only took 4 weeks until I received an email from a sweet canadian buyer...this is an actual email she sent. I took NO poetic license here.

HA HA MY ASS IS COVERED, AND I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY YOUR TELLING ME YOUR GONNA TRASH MY REP ON EBAY, IVE TRIED TO BE PROFESSIONAL WITH YOU UNTIL YOU SEND ME A SHIT TALK EMAIL. WHAT IS IT WITH YOU WITH YOU AMERICANS AND YOUR GANGSTER LOS ANGELES ATTITUDE, DONT YOU EVER THINK SHIT LIKE THAT IS GONNA SCARE ME HERE, IVE GOT THE FUNDS BITCH IN MY BANK ACCOUNT HERE IN CANADA, SO MY BANK IN CANADA AINT GONNA GIVE YOU ANYTHING OR REVERSE ANYTHING TO YOUR AMERICAN ASS AND NEITHER IS PAYPAL, THIS ISNT PAYMENT FOR DRUGS, LIKE THE WAY YOU MAKE IT SOUND: "GIVE ME THE MONEY IN 4 HOURS OR ILL COME TO CANADA AND SHOOT YOU WITH MY GANGSTER YOGA POSSE DRESSED IN LULU." HA! HA! I SO SHOULD HAVE SCAMMED YOU AND KEPT YOUR HOODIE BUT STUPID ME, I SENT IT OFF, AND WRAPPED IT UP REALLY NICELY SO IT WOULDNT GET DIRTY, UNLIKE YOU, JUST THROW IT IN A PARCEL UNWRAPPED SO WHEN I GOT IT THE PARCEL HAD HOLES IN IT SO IT POTENTIALLY COULD HAVE GOTTEN DIRTY, BUT DONT WORRY, IVE CHECKED IT AND ITS BRAND SPANKIN NEW. WHATS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? TOO MUCH KRISPY KREME AND POPEYES BISCUITS AND DUNKY DOUGHNUTS CLOUD YOUR BRAIN? BOY, YOU MUST THINK YOUR A REAL IDIOT NOW.

hmmmm...think I should choose another hobby? I dunno, gotta go get me another dunky donut...

Why God Loves not-quite-models!

ONE OF (because there are MANY) my favorite things about America's Next Top Model, is when a girl wins something, or gets picked, and she buckles to her knees, tears welling in her eyes and chokes out...

"Thank you JEEEESUS. THANK YOU JESUS!!!!!!"

or she gazes her pious face into the camera and says "...well, God was on my side tonight. HE knows what I need."

or when the winners clamor together to pray gratitude, bibles in hand, "...Jesus, heavenly father, THANK YOU for being with us today."

Now, the GOD I BELIEVE IN doesn't just sit around with Jesus on one side and Moses and NOAH on the other deciding who they will support on Tonight's ANTM!

Wait....yes he does.

Family sacrifices...

My little baby sister got married last weekend. It was adorable and sweet, she was also preggers, so it made it even more emotional...I cried blah blah...BUT she got married on Easter weekend, which in and of itself was not inconvenient.

HOWEVER when I flew home MON night I realized that I missed the big See's candy %50 off easter chocolates sale. I plan my ENTIRE year around this. I buy costco see's gift certificates so that not ONLY do I get half off, but it's also like getting another 30% off!!

you may be thinking "well, it's ONLY ONE DAY FOR CHRISSAKES!!"

You would be wrong in that thinking. This is a sale, where you have to line up the morning after easter BEFORE the place opens, shmooze all the grannies who are also lined up, patent leather purses all ready to go, ready to fight you for every last bordeaux egg, and be ready with your game plan in your head.

The part of my brain that LOVES to be in denial said "welll, maybe if you go tues morning there MIGHT be some eggs left, because MAYBE this is the year that they had LOTS of leftovers and not as many people showed up?!" (this is the same part of my zoloft induced brain that also justifies oreos and chocodiles as being "not THAT bad")

SO I went, ever the hopeful, looked around for the easter section, found it, and allllll that was left were JELLYBEANS!!! Because who in their right mind would buy JELLYBEANS at a chocolate store?!?!?

OH well, this is what it means to have FAMILY. Sacrifices need to be made sometimes. You have to think of THE OTHER PERSON. There is no I in LOVE.

BUT if that bitch goes into labor on the opening day of the Nordstrom Pre-Season fall sale, well sisterly love will fly out the window faster than you can say HALF OFF!!

no offense or anything,,,

This is what I am wondering, since I there are a few running around my gym...

WHY is it that transvetites are always like, the largest, gangliest, 6 ft 8 MEN with the hugest adam's apples on the planet? I NEVER see any trannies who are small wimpy guys to BEGIN with. In fact I know MANY smal puny men who would make GREAT women! (don't worry joe, even though you'd make a pretty lady, I am in fact NOT calling you PUNY)

But it seems like all the trannies running around my gym, as ummm, WOMEN, are larger than life. They look like giants, running on the treadmill, a good 3 feet higher than everyone else, with their false eyelashes, and long stringy weaves flinging every which way. This is all happenning while the puny straight boys are across the room, all 5 feet of them, trying to bulk up on the bench press for their Imaginary girlfriends...hoping to score with the ladies later with their teeny little pecks and little golf ball biceps. now THEY would be cute girls!

Well, guess the grass is always greener.